


I Hate You, Don't Leave Me

by clexawarrior



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Boarding School, Drama, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff, Minor Character Death (Mentioned), Romance, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-07-28 19:53:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 160,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7654507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clexawarrior/pseuds/clexawarrior
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For her junior year of high school, Clarke Griffin transfers to Polis Boarding School to get a fresh start, finally agreeing with her mom that it might just be the best option for her. What she doesn't account for is that she will be rooming with Lexa Woods, a girl that she comes to despise within the first few seconds of meeting her. Clarke decides to try to stay clear of Lexa as best as she can, but she soon learns that there is more to the brunette than meets the eye, and she slowly finds that her roommate might not be as horrible as she had originally thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, Clexakru! For those of you who have read my stories before, welcome back, and for those of you reading my writing for the first time, I hope you like the way I write. I've had the idea for this story in the back of my mind for a while, so I'm really excited that I'm finally getting to share it with you! Thank you to anyone who is willing to take the time to read this fic, and I hope you all enjoy the first chapter! :)

Clarke Griffin stood back to admire her work. She had transferred to Polis Boarding School for her junior year of high school, and she had just gotten all of her stuff settled at Arkadia House, where she would be living for her next two years at this school, assuming she stayed. She hadn't wanted to come here. At the beginning of the summer, her mother told her that she would be attending school here due to her recent behavior, and try as she might, she could not get her mother to budge on the fact. She had been dreading coming to the school for a while, but she had recently started to feel better, and so she began to think that maybe the school might not be so bad for her after all. She did need to get away from her old school and the group of people that she had been hanging out with, so she was hoping that she would be able to start fresh at Polis.

Her start was not going as planned. Her flight into the city of Polis got delayed, and so she missed the first day of classes. However, this only upset her a little, since she knew that the only thing teachers tended to do on the first day was go over the syllabus and give a brief introduction to the class. Clarke felt better when she was greeted by the head of Arkadia House, a kind man named Mr. Kane and led upstairs to her room, which she would be sharing with an Alexandria Woods. After giving her a brief overview of the rules and wishing her a warm welcome to the house, Mr. Kane left her to unpack her stuff and get settled in.

Once Clarke was finished, she found that she was actually kind of excited to meet the other residents of the house, and upon glancing at her clock, she noticed that it would only be another half hour before the students should start returning. The blonde pulled out her phone to play a game or go on her social media accounts while she waited for everyone to return.

When the door to her room burst open, she stood up from the bed to greet her roommate, but the brunette simply stormed over to the bed across the room from Clarke's, throwing herself onto it, not even acknowledging that Clarke was there. Clarke's brows furrowed in confusion, and she wondered if maybe the other girl hadn't seen her. She decided that must be the case, so she chose to introduce herself. "Hey, I'm Clarke. You must be Alexandria."

The brunette's head turned to the side, face morphing into an angry expression. "It's just Lexa. Who the hell are you?"

Clarke was taken aback by the hostility in the girl's tone, and she wondered if perhaps Mr. Kane might have accidentally shown her into the wrong room. "I'm your roommate."

"I don't have a roommate," Lexa snarled immediately, standing up from her own bed. "You must have the wrong room."

Clarke wondered what this girl's problem was, but she felt herself getting angry at the unfair way that she was being treated by this girl who she had just met. "No. This is definitely my room. Mr. Kane showed me in here when I arrived."

"Then, Mr. Kane has some explaining to do," Lexa said angrily, eyes never straying from Clarke as she took a step forward.

Clarke didn't back down, stepping up into Lexa's space, their noses inches away, as she glared at the brunette. "Maybe you should take this up with Mr. Kane then."

Lexa's lips pulled down in a scowl. "Oh, I will, but for now, you need to get out."

"Who the hell do you think you are?!" Clarke's voice began to rise. "This is my room, and I'm not leaving."

"Who the fuck do you think you are, blondie?" Lexa returned. "Please don't tell me you're one of those bitches who thinks they're better than everyone and can do whatever they want."

"I'm not," Clarke said, eyes sparking with fury, "but I can clearly see that you are. Maybe you ought to take a look in the mirror before you go hurling around accusations."

Lexa looked taken aback for a moment before a look of absolute rage washed over her eyes, and Clarke might have been afraid if she wasn't so angry herself.

"Get out of my room." Lexa's voice was low and threatening, but Clarke still could not see past the loathing that she was already feeling for the girl in front of her. In fact, she was two seconds away from telling the brunette to leave herself.

"No," Clarke said, and she didn't miss the way Lexa's nostrils flared.

Green eyes were wild with fury as she reached around Clarke for the picture that rested on her nightstand, smashing it on the edge before throwing it to the ground and screaming, "Out!"

Clarke might have punched the other girl in the face if she was still angry, but the minute that picture broke, she felt her fire go out. Clarke felt numb as she dropped down beside the mess on the ground. The photo of Clarke and her father was fine, but the frame was shattered into pieces on the floor. She had given that frame with the picture in it to her dad for Father's Day three years ago, and now it was ruined, broken just like everything else in Clarke's life. Tears streaked down her cheeks, and she turned her gaze back up to Lexa, rage washing over her again as she pushed back to her feet. "How could you break my picture? That frame was special!"

Lexa huffed, and Clarke could not believe how cold this girl was. "I'm sorry, okay? Don't be such a baby. It's just a stupid picture frame."

Clarke wanted to wrap her hands around the brunette girl's throat and squeeze hard, but before she could even respond, the other girl was brushing past her and out the door, leaving Clarke all alone with the broken glass.

* * *

After Clarke had finished cleaning up the picture frame and tucking the photo safely into her nightstand drawer, she tried to stop thinking of ways to murder Lexa as she made her way down the hallway with the intention of sitting in the living room and maybe watching some TV. However, before she could even begin descending the staircase, her phone began to ring. She grabbed the device from her pocket, and upon seeing that it was her mother, she wanted nothing more than to hit the ignore button. Her mom was surely calling to check up on her, and she hated lying to her mother, but she knew that that was exactly what she would have to do if she picked up that phone. She couldn't let her mother know how horribly her day was starting off. Clarke sighed, knowing that her mother would only keep calling until she answered, so she decided to get the conversation over with, leaning against the rail at the top of the stairs as she answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey, sweetheart, how's your first day going?" Abby asked in a warm voice.

_Horrible,_ Clarke thought, _Not only did I miss the first day of classes, but my roommate is a colossal jerk, and the picture frame that I got Dad is broken._ Clarke didn't say any of this though, wanting her mother to believe that going to this school was really going to be better for her. She swallowed thickly before adopting a happy tone. "It's great. Even though I missed classes, the house is really nice and homey feeling. Everyone here is really welcoming."

"I'm glad to hear that." Clarke could practically see the smile that was most likely adorning her mom's face. "Do you like your roommate?"

Clarke closed her eyes, feeling her rage bubble up at just the mention of Lexa, and she had to take a moment before answering. "Yes. She's really nice. We're getting along quite well so far."

"It sounds like you're going to have a lot of fun there." The overjoyed tone of Abby's voice caused tears to fall from Clarke's eyes, no matter how hard she tried to stop them. She wished she could just tell her mother the truth and go back home. Abby's voice was making her even more homesick than she had been before she answered the phone, but she wanted her mom to be happy, and the only way that would happen was if Clarke herself pretended to be happy.

"Are you still there?" Abby asked, and Clarke snapped to attention, realizing that she had just been standing there quietly, lost in thought.

Clarke wanted to sniffle, but she stopped herself, knowing that she needed to sound happy for her mother. "Yeah. It's just that it's almost time for dinner. I really should be going."

"Sure. You go ahead. I'll talk to you later."

"Bye," Clarke said, clicking off the phone.

She sniffled as she headed into the living room, even though she really wanted nothing more than to collapse onto her bed. Since she knew that Lexa could come back in at any moment, and she had no intention of talking to the brunette anytime soon without strangling her, she figured that it would be best if she stayed in the living room. Clarke was surprised to find that the living room was not unoccupied, as she had previously thought. A pair of brunettes was sitting on one of the olive green plush couches, watching something on the television. The blonde tried to back away and head back upstairs, but the other girls had already seen her, clearly noticing the way that her eyes were red from crying. Clarke hoped that they wouldn't say anything as she sat down in one of the chairs, but she barely even had time to settle into the cushions before the girl who had her hair in a ponytail began speaking. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just really despise my roommate already, and we've barely even met," Clarke explained, deciding to tell the truth and hoping that these two weren't the same way as Lexa had been.

"You're rooming with Lexa," the other brunette deduced easily, and Clarke was glad that this girl clearly did not like Lexa either. "You must be the new chick."

"Yes. Lexa is the worst person I've ever met. I don't think I've ever hated someone so much after two seconds of knowing them," Clarke said bitterly.

The ponytail girl looked at her sympathetically. "What did she do?"

"She yelled at me to get out of her room, and when I refused, she broke my picture frame. A picture frame I had given to my dad for Father's Day before he...before he died." Clarke tried to keep her voice from shaking, but she knew that she was unsuccessful.

"I'm sorry to hear that, but I promise you that no one else is like that. Lexa's just…kind of horrible," the girl said, and Clarke found that she had to keep herself from scoffing at the way that Lexa was described as _kind of_ horrible. "It really sucks that you have to room with her, but you are definitely welcome to crash with us any time, or all the time. Anyway, I'm Raven, and this is my roommate, Octavia."

"I'm Clarke," the blonde introduced herself as well.

"Nice to meet you." Octavia smiled at her. "I'm assuming Lexa is the only one you've met here so far?"

Clarke nodded. "Yeah. I just got here a few hours ago."

"I promise you that the rest of the residents in this house are really nice," Octavia assured her. "Would you like me to tell you about them?"

"That would be nice, thanks. I'd at least like to know their names," Clarke told the girl. She figured it would be nice not to go into dinner without knowing anything.

"Okay, well, I'm sure Mr. Kane has told you that the boys live downstairs and the girls live upstairs," Octavia said, pausing for Clarke to nod before continuing, "So downstairs, in the first room, there is my brother Bellamy and my boyfriend Lincoln. I can tell you now that they're both super nice. Lincoln wouldn't hurt a fly, and as long as you don't provoke Bellamy, he'll be welcoming too."

Clarke nodded, filing away this information for later. _Bellamy is Octavia's brother, and Lincoln is her boyfriend_. Clarke quickly turned her attention back to Octavia as the other girl continued talking. "In the other room downstairs, there's Jasper and Monty. They're the resident pranksters. Both of them are sweethearts, and luckily for us, Mr. Kane has banned them from pranking the residents of the house, so they carry out their pranks at school on members of the other houses."

Clarke gave Octavia a skeptical look. "He'd rather them pull pranks at school when they're supposed to be learning rather than here in their free time?"

Octavia raised an eyebrow. "Who said he knew about their pranks at school?"

Clarke couldn't help but laugh at this new information, happy that some of the residents were actually nice. Octavia and Raven were both welcoming enough, and the way Octavia described the boys seemed good, so it seemed that it was unfortunate that Clarke got stuck with the only mean one in the house.

"So, is that everyone?" she asked. "The four boys, me, you guys, and Lexa?"

Raven shook her head. "Nope. Each house holds ten residents. Some have an extra girls' room, and others have an extra boys' room. Arkadia has an extra room for girls, and that's where Anya and Emori live. They're sisters. Anya's the older one, and she's the quieter of the two. She has a more reserved personality. Emori's much more loud and open. I get along better with her, but the two of them normally hang around each other and sometimes Lincoln. Lexa used to be really close with them, but well, she's not anymore."

Clarke nodded slowly, puzzled by this last piece of information. So either Lexa wasn't always such a horrible person or Anya and Emori used to be. Clarke hoped that it was the former because she didn't want to take the chance that these other girls might be anything close to Lexa. Or more likely, Lexa had put on a fake persona at first, and they had stopped hanging out with her once she had showed her true colors. Clarke certainly wouldn't put that past her.

"Are the two of you juniors like me, or are you seniors?" Clarke asked, remembering that Mr. Kane had told her that each house was home to either freshman and sophomores or juniors and seniors.

"Juniors. Both of us." Octavia replied. "Most of us are in this house. Lincoln, Bellamy, and Anya are seniors."

Clarke nodded, content with the information she had received. "I'm glad everyone else here sounds nice."

"Oh, I almost forgot. Our house mother, Indra is the sweetest person ever. If you haven't met her yet, you will at dinner. She cooks all of our meals, and her food is fantastic. I wonder what she's making tonight," Octavia said excitedly.

Octavia talked on about life in the house, and Clarke smiled because the way that the brunette described it gave it a homey feel again, the way Clarke had assumed it would be before she met Lexa. If Lexa was the only jerk in this house, then Clarke would just have to avoid her. She wanted to have a good time, so she would, for herself and for her mother.

* * *

Marcus Kane sat in his office, filling out paperwork and getting things ready for the new school year. When the door of his office opened, he wasn't surprised to see Lexa storming inside with a furious look on her face. He knew she would be paying him a visit tonight.

"What can I do for you, Ms. Woods?" he asked, although he knew very well what this was about.

"You can tell my 'roommate' to pack up her stuff and leave. I don't have a roommate. That was the deal," Lexa seethed.

Marcus took a deep breath before explaining as calmly as he could. "I promised you wouldn't have a roommate last year, and I kept my word. It just wasn't possible this year. We have many students who apply each year, and we are a small school already, so we needed the space. I have given you plenty of time, Lexa. It's time for you to get over this."

Lexa's eyes blazed. "Get over what? The fact that I don't want a roommate? There's nothing to get over. That's just how I am."

"No one is forcing you to remain at this school." Marcus tried a different approach, keeping his voice gentle.

Lexa looked surprised at hearing his comment, and Marcus thought he could detect the beginning of tears in her eyes as she said her next words. "But I want to. I don't want to leave."

"Then, you're going to have to make peace with the fact that you _are_ going to have a roommate this year. You don't have to like her, but you will be living with Clarke until the end of the term," Marcus told her.

Marcus understood what Lexa was going through. Or at least, he had at first, but this had gone on for long enough. He had to pull so many strings just for her to have a room to herself last year. This year, the headmaster of the school would not allow it, and Marcus wished that Lexa could just accept that. He had been hoping that by having a roommate again, Lexa would start to act more like herself, but he wasn't so sure about that anymore. Still, he hoped that maybe Clarke would be able to get through to her. Lexa simply glared at him before leaving his office, slamming the door behind her. Marcus dropped his head into his hands. If Lexa was going to continue to act like this, it was going to be one hell of a year.

* * *

When dinner rolled around, Clarke was introduced to all of the other inhabitants of the house. She would be lying if she said it wasn't overwhelming to meet them all at once, but she was honestly just relieved that they were all so nice, a stark contrast from the welcome that she had received from Lexa earlier. Clarke was surprised to see that Lexa didn't even show up for dinner, but the others barely even noticed she was missing, giving Clarke the impression that this was something the other students were used to. The only acknowledgement of Lexa's absence was when Anya commented that she was probably off brooding somewhere, but Clarke of course preferred that her roommate not be there, as she was sure that the atmosphere was much more amicable without the feisty brunette.

Clarke felt as if dinner went by in a blur, but even so, she found that she got along well with the other members of the house, and she was grateful that they kept her in the conversation, even though they weren't used to her being there. When she had finally accepted that she was going to boarding school, she had mainly been agreeable for her mom's sake and a bit because she wanted to start over, but now she was finally catching on to the reasons that her mother might have decided to enroll her in the first place. It kept her around people who she might be able to form bonds with, rather than pushing all the decent people away, and it kept her thinking about something other than her father, a topic that had come to frequent her mind all too much lately.

When it was getting late, Octavia explained to Clarke that they needed to head back to their rooms because Mr. Kane liked for all lights to be out by eleven o'clock. Clarke complied, seeing the sense in that rule, especially for school nights, and followed the other girls up the stairs. Raven offered to let Clarke stay with her and Octavia that night, and Clarke really wanted to take her up on that offer, but she didn't want to intrude on her first night there, so she politely declined and made her way into her own room, hoping that she would not be met with more harsh words. Lexa didn't even turn her head when Clarke stepped inside. She was simply lying on her back in her bed, glaring up at the ceiling. Clarke rolled her eyes, grabbing her toothbrush and pajamas and making her way down the hall to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

When Clarke returned to her room, she was not surprised to find that Lexa had not moved, and she simply ignored the girl, climbing into bed. However, she couldn't help the fact that she had noticed that her roommate's eyes looked a bit puffy, as if she had recently been crying. She knew she shouldn't care because the brunette had made her cry mere hours ago without a second thought, but Clarke couldn't help but feel a bit curious as to why the girl she was rooming with seemingly hated everyone. She knew it was against her better judgement, but she decided to ask anyway. "I didn't see you at dinner. Is everything alright?"

Lexa's face set in a scowl, and instead of responding, she simply turned on her side, facing away from Clarke, and clicked off the lamp on her bedside table. Clarke rolled her eyes again, wondering why on earth she had to get stuck rooming with such an awful girl. She had only been trying to check up on the other girl, after all. She turned off her own lamp before lying down to go to sleep. The last thought on Clarke's mind that night was that everything just might be perfect if Lexa weren't here.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday! I hope everyone is having a good weekend so far. Enjoy!

Clarke was awoken the next day by a loud banging sound, and she shot straight up in her bed, wondering what on earth her mother was doing in her room. She opened her eyes to see Lexa, and she suddenly remembered where she was and realized that the sound that she had heard was the sound of Lexa closing her wardrobe unnecessarily loud. The other girl was now standing in front of the mirror on her vanity, putting on her tie, and Clarke felt her skin begin to crawl, feeling the urge to grab onto the tie and choke her roommate with it. However, she resisted this urge, instead opting to chew her roommate out with words. "Do you have to be so incredibly loud? If you hadn't already noticed, I was still sleeping. Why don't you wake the whole goddamn house while you're at it?"

"Maybe I would, if the whole house wasn't already up. Everyone's down at breakfast, and it's actually almost time for school. Would you have liked for me to let you sleep through your second day of school after already missing your first?" Lexa asked in a bitchy tone.

Clarke's brows furrowed in confusion, and she reached over to her phone, which was resting on her nightstand, wondering if she had slept through her alarm. However, she noticed that there was no sign that her alarm had even gone off in the first place. Quickly opening up her clock app, she found that she had accidentally set the alarm for PM instead of AM. Clarke groaned internally, but she had to at least feel a little grateful that Lexa had actually woken her up, even if she had done it in a rude way.

"Thanks, I guess. For waking me up," Clarke mumbled. She couldn't help but feel a little bit bad that she had acted so rudely towards Lexa when her roommate had actually done something kind of nice for her in a weird Lexa way. However, this feeling instantly evaporated when she heard what her roommate had to say next.

"Will you shut up?" Lexa glared at her in the mirror. "I find the sound of your voice incredibly annoying."

Clarke's hands tightened into fists, and she again had to resist the urge to do something bad to her roommate. Instead of strangling the brunette, like she so desperately wanted to, she decided to simply try to provoke her further. Running through her options, she thought the best way to annoy her roommate would be to keep talking. Better yet, she could try to pry into Lexa's life a bit, knowing that the other girl probably didn't want to talk about it with her. "You said everyone else was down at breakfast. Why aren't you?"

Lexa sighed before answering in what Clarke figured was a truthful way, even though the brunette's tone remained sharp. "I don't eat with them. If I even eat at all."

"Why?" Clarke asked, unable to help her curiosity. She was surprised that Lexa had even answered at all. She had expected the other girl to either yell at her or simply ignore her.

Lexa's eyes hardened at the question. "None of your business."

Now, that was more of the response that the blonde had been expecting. Clarke was about to say more, but Lexa simply growled in frustration, grabbing her book bag off of the floor and making her way out the door without another sound. The blonde didn't even bat an eye, still staring at the place that Lexa had occupied only seconds ago. Clarke's gaze settled on a silver sequined headband that Lexa had left behind on the top of her vanity, and the blonde wondered if her roommate had been planning on wearing it before she had started asking the slightly invasive questions that had driven the other girl from the room. It was a nice color, and Clarke realized that she had forgotten her headbands at home. Her sudden wish that she had a headband of her own to wear gave her an idea that she considered a great one. If Lexa hated even talking to Clarke, she would hate it even more if Clarke borrowed her things, so that was exactly what the blonde intended to do. She smirked as she plucked the headband from the vanity and put it into her hair. She then gave herself a once over in the mirror, deciding that the accessory would do nicely for the day, before she proceeded to her wardrobe, pulling out a uniform shirt, skirt, and tie, so she could get ready for the school day.

* * *

Several minutes later, Clarke found herself walking down the school hallways with Octavia and Raven. When the blonde had finally gotten downstairs, everyone had already finished eating breakfast, so she just grabbed a chocolate chip muffin to-go and ate it on the short walk from the house to the school. When she got into the building, it didn't take her long to spot Octavia and Raven walking around the hallways. When asked where they were headed, they explained that they were simply walking around until the warning bell, not wanting to go to their classes until they absolutely had to because they had separate first periods.

"Where'd you get that headband, Clarke?" Raven reached out to run her fingers along the sequins. "It's really cute."

"It's not even mine," Clarke admitted. "It's Lexa's."

Octavia's mouth set into a thin line. "Clarke, you shouldn't provoke her like that. You know what she's like."

"How can she? She's only been here a day." Raven gave Octavia a pointed look before turning to Clarke. "Lexa's rage knows no bounds. You better not let her see that you have it. Just put it back before she notices that it's missing because if you don't, she will make a scene."

Clarke raised an eyebrow. "Over a headband?"

"Yes," Raven insisted, dead serious. "She already hates you, and she won't like the fact that anyone was touching her stuff, _especially_ you. We've all learned to just stay out of Lexa's way. Don't bother her, and she won't bother you. It's the only way to live with someone like that."

"You know what? No. She doesn't get special treatment just because she thinks she does. If I want to talk to her or borrow something from her, I can. And who's to say I care if she makes a scene?" Clarke's features settled in a smug grin. "Let her. She'll be the one who gets in trouble for it."

"I don't know, Clarke. I think I agree with Raven. You'd be better off just putting it back before she notices—"

"What the fuck? Is that my headband?" Clarke and her friends whipped around to find Lexa storming towards them, and she looked furious. Some of the people in the hallway were already starting to stare. The blonde knew what the right thing to do was. She needed to just give the headband back to the brunette and walk away. Be the bigger person and all. But that's the thing. She didn't want to be the bigger person. It wasn't fair that Lexa just got to go around acting like a huge jerk, and the other members of the house just let her. Clarke wasn't going to be like the rest of them.

She nodded in answer to the question, meeting Lexa's gaze. "Yeah. It is."

"Oh, really? I don't remember saying you could have it," Lexa snarled.

Clarke adopted a sickly sweet tone, deciding to act all innocent, knowing that Lexa would hate it. "You didn't, but I'm not _having_ it. I'm just borrowing. It goes really nice with my hair, don't you think?"

"No. Your hair looks like shit. Nothing goes well with it," Lexa fired back.

Clarke had to swallow back her rage at that one, not knowing what she could say. She wanted to shout that Lexa's hair looked awful too or that she was ugly, but that was thing. Lexa was beautiful. It seemed like a shame to waste so much beauty on someone who acted so awful constantly. "Whatever, Lexa. Just leave me alone." Clarke tried to walk past Lexa, but the brunette girl caught her around the wrist, squeezing tightly, and Clarke looked into green eyes that were smoldering with rage. She had to resist the urge to smirk.

"Give it back," Lexa said calmly, but Clarke could hear the threat behind her words.

"No," the blonde said simply.

Lexa tried to reach for it, and Clarke pushed her roughly away, watching as the brunette almost lost her balance, catching herself against the wall behind her at the last second. A dazed look washed over the brunette's features, and Clarke briefly wondered if she had hurt the other girl. She took a step closer to her roommate, unable to help the slight concern that snuck into her attempt at an apathetic response. "What's wrong, Lexa? Had enough?"

Lexa turned her gaze on Clarke again, and she sprang to action faster than the blonde was prepared for, throwing a punch at her face. Clarke ducked just in time, barely missing Lexa's fist, and she felt the headband being torn from her hair. She then realized that by ducking, she had done exactly what her roommate wanted her to. She had given the other girl extremely easy access to the top of her head so that she could take the headband back without much struggle. As angry blue eyes settled back on Lexa, a smirk settled over her features, and she put the headband back into her own hair.

"Keep your hands off my things," Lea growled menacingly, the smirk still on her face, and before Clarke could even respond, the brunette was already walking off down the hallway, disappearing into the sea of students.

"I told you not to mess with her," Raven mumbled from behind the blonde.

Clarke just shrugged as she turned back to face her friends. She couldn't say she particularly regretted it. Someone needed to stand up to Lexa once in a while. "At least we didn't get in trouble."

Octavia was about to reply when they all heard the pinging sound that Clarke guessed must be the warning bell. Many students began to scuffle off to class, and as much as she didn't want to, Clarke knew that that meant that she and her friends should probably start heading as well. "I guess we should get to class."

"Yeah. Do you want us to walk you to your class first?" Octavia asked.

Clarke shook her head. It would be nice because she had no idea where she was going, but she didn't want to be a bother to these people who were being so kind to her. Besides, she was sure she'd stumble across the right classroom eventually. The school wasn't that big. "I wouldn't want to make you guys late. I'm sure I can find it by myself."

Raven just smiled and shook her head. "See you later, Clarke."

* * *

When Clarke got back to her room that afternoon, she had certainly cooled down a bit after her argument with Lexa that morning. That was, until she noticed Lexa standing in front of the blonde's wardrobe, going through her things. Clarke quickly walked over to her, slamming one of the doors shut. "What are you doing?!"

Lexa looked up at her with ire shining in her green eyes. "I'm not doing anything, but you, on the other hand. You're leaving."

Clarke rolled her eyes, about to protest that she wasn't going anywhere when Lexa grabbed a pair of shoes from the side of the wardrobe that was still open and flung them out the door into the hall. Clarke stared at her in open-mouthed shock. She couldn't believe the completely immature way in which the other girl was behaving. She did not want to stoop to the brunette's level of immaturity, so she simply growled in frustration, running outside to grab the shoes and bring them back where they belonged. However, on her way back into the room with the shoes, she was met by Lexa at the door, the brunette tightly clutching all of the blonde's shirts in her hands. Clarke instantly grabbed a handful of them, pushing Lexa back through the doorway. "Get your hands off of my stuff!"

"Like you had your hands off of my headband this morning?" Lexa pulled the shirts back out of Clarke's grasp before throwing them all over the hallway.

"That's it." Clarke grabbed Lexa's arms to keep her from turning around before she could go back and grab more of the blonde's things, and she thought she detected a hint of fear in the brunette's green gaze, but it was gone before she could be sure. Lexa pushed at her roughly, trying to get the blonde away, but Clarke held tight, moving one hand to grasp a handful of Lexa's hair, and she tugged hard on it. Lexa yelped in pain and delivered a solid blow to Clarke's stomach, causing the blonde to let go of her as she doubled over to gasp for breath.

Clarke was just about to fling herself at Lexa again when she was interrupted by the sound of a displeased voice. "What is going on out here?"

Clarke turned around to find Marcus standing behind her, and she looked up at him with wide blue eyes. "We were just—"

Lexa cut her off before she could even come up with a good excuse as to why they were standing in the hallway, fighting with shirts all around them. "Clarke just started throwing her clothes everywhere. It was really weird."

Clarke felt her blood begin to boil again at the audacity that her roommate had. "That is not what happened at all, Mr. Kane. Lexa started taking my clothes and throwing them out in the hallway because apparently, I'm leaving."

Marcus sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I know who's telling the truth, Lexa, and something tells me it's not you. I thought I made it quite clear that you would be rooming with Clarke this year."

Lexa didn't even flinch at his authoritative tone. "I don't want to room with her. She's rude and annoying, and she takes my things without asking."

Marcus raised his eyebrows at that last part, turning to the blonde with a questioning gaze. "Is this true, Clarke?"

Clarke tried to tell a partial truth. "Yes, I borrowed her headband this morning, but I was going to give it back. I accidentally forgot mine at home, and she left the room before I could ask her."

"See? She's a thief, and I can't stand her anymore!" Lexa shouted.

"Well, maybe if you weren't such a—"

"Girls! Girls!" Marcus interrupted before their argument could get out of hand. When he was sure that both pairs of eyes were on him, he sighed. "There is nothing I can do about the rooming system now. You two are rooming together, and that's that. Now, you need to either find a way to get along, or one of you will be leaving the school. I can't have you arguing every day, and I have given you enough chances, Ms. Woods. If I have to come break up another argument, one of you, or maybe both, will be going straight home."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Kane," Clarke murmured, eyes downcast.

Lexa just glared at him, but Clarke was almost certain that it was a mask. What the man said had shaken her, and Clarke hoped that she might become a bit more agreeable. The blonde didn't think the two of them would ever get along, but perhaps they could find a way to coexist a bit better than they had been doing so far. Clarke had to admit that she was shaken as well. Even with her horrible roommate, she wanted to stay here. She felt better here than she had in a long time, and she had to admit that she didn't understand why Mr. Kane was threatening to send her home as well when she wasn't even the problem. It was like he expected her to be the better woman and just allow Lexa to treat her like shit. This angered Clarke to no end, but she knew that Marcus had the authority here, and she would have to yield to him. She would either have to ignore Lexa or simply not succumb to any physical violence. That should work. The blonde promised herself that she would try to get along with Lexa, but if the brunette started acting up, Clarke would just have to retaliate with words. If Lexa chose to cause a scene, then Clarke would just stay quiet and let her so that she could not possibly be labeled as the troublemaker.

Clarke retreated quietly into her room, picking up her clothes as she went, and Lexa just stood there in the hallway. When she didn't come in after a half hour, Clarke opened the door, thinking that the brunette might still be standing there, but the hallway was empty. Clarke had no idea where her roommate had gone, but nobody saw her for the rest of the night.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many of you may be glad to know that this chapter centers on Lexa. A lot of you have been interested about what's going on with her, and while it is not directly stated in this chapter, it is definitely strongly hinted at. I hope you all enjoy getting to experience this chapter through Lexa's eyes!

Lexa growled in annoyance as she pushed her way into her room to find Clarke already there. She usually looked forward to getting home from school because that meant that she could finally relax, but now even that became something she dreaded because of her horrible roommate. There was no escape now. She always had an awful day at school because she found classes to be pretty boring, and she especially hated when she had to talk to other people in class for group assignments. She was done being social for today, and she wished that she had gotten a roommate who would just leave her alone. Especially after the trouble that the two of them had gotten in with Marcus the other day. Lexa had no intention of leaving the school, so she hoped that maybe Clarke would just stay out of her way. She flopped down onto her bed and made sure to turn away from the blonde. She then pulled her comforter up over her head, hoping the other girl would just get the message that Lexa did not wish to be bothered. She had about five seconds of blissful silence before the obnoxious sound of Clarke's voice shattered it. "Are you alright?"

Lexa growled again, feeling her rage bubble up within her. Obviously, she wasn't alright, but that did not mean that Clarke had to pretend to care about her wellbeing. She wasn't sure if the blonde was just doing this to annoy her of if Clarke was trying to start over after Marcus's warning, but whatever it was, Lexa just wanted to be left alone, so she threw the comforter off of her head and turned to face her roommate, fury sparking in her green gaze. "Since I guess we're going to be rooming together all year, the first rule is don't talk to me. Ever."

Clarke looked taken aback at Lexa's tone, and the brunette couldn't even begin to fathom why. As if she would respond any differently. Could Clarke really still think that they might have a chance of getting along? Lexa rolled her eyes when Clarke instantly went on the defensive. "You don't have to act like this all the time. I only asked if you were alright."

Lexa huffed in annoyance. "I'm fine. Now, leave me alone."

Lexa hoped that her roommate would just shut up after this, that this was enough of a clue that Lexa did not want to talk to her, but it seemed that Clarke wasn't going to stop until she got whatever it was she wanted. "But we're roommates. What if I have a question? Can I talk to you then?"

Lexa's lips pulled back in the beginnings of a snarl. "Yes, we are roommates, but that is all we are. We are not friends. We are not anything. That means that we don't have to talk or pretend that we don't hate each other. Keep your stuff on your side of the room, and stay away from me."

"This is my room too. You heard Mr. Kane yesterday. We have to find a way to get along or at least tolerate each other. Why do you have to be so horrible all the time?"

Lexa stood up from her bed, walking threateningly over to Clarke, her voice low. "You have not seen the first thing about how horrible I can be. We can tolerate each other by refusing to acknowledge the other's existence. Now, keep your mouth shut, or I'll burn your picture of you and your precious daddy."

Lexa watched as some of the anger faded from Clarke's eyes, and she noticed the tears that were beginning to form when the other girl answered.

"He's dead."

Lexa pulled back a little, not having expected this, and she tried to school her features as Clarke continued to speak. "That's why the picture frame mattered to me so much. I gave it to him for Father's Day one year when he was still alive and well, and I brought it here because it was something for me to remember him by. Thanks to you, it's gone now."

Lexa's tough demeanor almost cracked at the acquisition of this new knowledge. At the sight of the blonde's tear-filled eyes and the sound of her accusatory tone, Lexa wanted to give in and apologize. She couldn't help the sympathy that cracked through when she heard the reason for the picture frame's importance because she understood. She wished that she could just hold the blonde and let her talk about her father or cry or whatever she needed. Before she could act upon this stray emotion though, Lexa's eyes hardened again, and she reminded herself of why she was acting this way in the first place. She couldn't let go of the reputation she had built, especially for this girl who had made the last two days a living hell. Lexa wasn't supposed to have a roommate this year, and then this girl showed up and just waltzed right in, acting like everything was just fine, acting like she could simply replace…never mind.

Lexa noticed that Clarke was still staring up at her with expectant blue eyes, and she cursed, realizing that the blond girl must have seen her brief moment of sympathy because she was now looking up at Lexa like she expected the brunette to say something kind. Lexa was almost swayed, but she knew that she had to stick to what she did best. "I don't care. Now, get out."

A tear slipped from Clarke's eye, and she shook her head before turning around and pushing through the door, slamming it behind her. Lexa was surprised that the blonde had actually left without a fight, and she found herself much more at ease without the other girl around, especially after the direction that that conversation had just taken. Lexa had almost let herself care about her roommate, and her lips curled in disgust at the thought. She had vowed a while ago that she would never let herself care about anyone ever again. It was the only way that she could be sure that she wouldn't end up hurt. She had never had a problem keeping her distance before, so she didn't understand why she was suddenly starting to care again now. She had broken off her friendship with Anya and Emori without a problem, and she had kept her distance from every single resident in this goddamn house. She had pushed everyone away and been extremely cruel to anyone who tried to get too close. It had been easy, and she was content. For some reason though, it wasn't so easy to keep being cruel and detached when her roommate was looking up at her with those big blue eyes full of tears.

Lexa sighed in relief as she crawled back into her bed, glad that, for at least the time being, her roommate was gone. She couldn't let herself care about Clarke or her friends or anyone at all. As long as she was by herself, she could never get hurt again. For this reason, she needed to make sure that she stayed alone. Lexa had no friends and no acquaintances, and that was exactly the way that she wanted it to be. Love was weakness. Attachments of any kind were weaknesses. Lexa had learned that the hard way, and she couldn't let anything, or anyone, change her mind now.

* * *

When she heard the sound of the door opening, Lexa groaned, thinking that Clarke must have returned. Lexa knew that the blonde had already been gone for about a half hour, but the brunette needed a lot longer than that. She had seriously been hoping that her roommate would never come back. Since she didn't want to deal with the other girl right now, she decided that she would just lie there silently and pretend to be asleep. Maybe Clarke would finally leave her alone if she did that. To her dismay, she felt the mattress dip beside her, and she angrily opened her eyes and quickly rolled over to yell at the girl who had the nerve to come over and sit on the edge of her bed. Her words died in her throat though when her eyes settled on Anya instead of Clarke. She hadn't talked to Anya in quite some time, and she couldn't stop the surprise from playing out on her face when she saw the other girl in her room now. After a few seconds though, the irritation returned to her when she couldn't think of why Anya might be bothering her now. "Anya, what the hell are you doing here?"

"I'm here to talk about Clarke," Anya said calmly.

Lexa's vision went red with rage. She hadn't talked to her best friend in almost a year, and their first conversation since then was going to be about _Clarke_? She could already feel the familiar twinge of hurt, and she found that she wanted Anya gone. "And what makes you think I want to talk about my pathetic roommate?"

Anya simply ignored Lexa's question, continuing with what she came here to say. "You're being too hard on her, Lexa. She's been through some serious shit through, and you have no right to be treating her like this."

"Like what?" Lexa snapped. "I've hardly been mean to her. I only told her to leave me alone because she refused to shut up."

"Lexa, she was downstairs crying because of you." Anya's tone was stern. "I saw Octavia and Raven trying to comfort her in the living room. I don't know what you said to her, but this needs to stop. Now."

Lexa's eyes narrowed. "I don't owe her anything, you know. She shouldn't even be here. I'm not supposed to have a roommate, remember? Or have you already forgotten?"

A dark look passed over Anya's face, and Lexa was pleased to see that she had gotten a rise out of her former friend before the blonde was able to regain control of her features. "Look, I get why you're upset, Lexa, but it isn't Clarke's fault. It's not like she came in here and asked to be your roommate. She doesn't know anything about you. She had no more control over this than you did, so you need to stop taking it out on her. Maybe this is a sign that it's finally time for you to stop pushing everyone away. Clarke lost someone special to her too, and she was willing to try and move past it. Maybe it's time you did the same."

"It's _not_ the same," Lexa growled.

"Maybe if you let us help you instead of being so goddamn—"

Lexa cut her off, not liking where this conversation was heading at all. "I don't want your help, and I don't want to move past this. Life is better for me this way, and you all just need to accept that."

Anya rolled her eyes. "Whatever, Lexa."

Anya stood up from Lexa's bed and made her way over to the door. Right before she opened it, she turned back to the brunette, looking as if she was going to say something more. Lexa just glared at her, and the blonde shut her mouth, shaking her head as she finally left the room.

Lexa sank down into her bed, relieved that her former friend was finally gone. She didn't like the truth behind some of the things that Anya had said. Lexa knew that she was taking everything out on Clarke right now, but Anya was wrong. Some of this _was_ her roommate's fault. If the other girl wouldn't be so sensitive and if she would just stick to Lexa's rule and ignore her, then they would be able to live together just fine. Lexa didn't like the caring nature of the blond girl. Even though Clarke probably despised her, the blonde still couldn't resist checking up on her to make sure she was okay, and Lexa hated it. She didn't want people to care about her because if they did, then she might start to care about them too, and that was not something she wanted.

Before Clarke came along, no one even spared Lexa a second glance. Everyone left her alone, and it was almost as if she didn't exist, which was exactly what she wanted. However, now that Lexa was having to push Clarke away, people were starting to notice her again, and Anya even had the audacity to come into her room and tell her that she just needed to move on. Well, she couldn't. If only Clarke weren't here, everything would be perfect.

* * *

After another dinner that Lexa had skipped, she heard the door open, and she figured that Clarke must have finally returned. Lexa had been watching a movie on her laptop, but she looked up at the sound, noticing that she had not been wrong. At least, not entirely. Her roommate was indeed back, but she had brought Octavia and Raven with her. Lexa groaned internally at the sight of the two girls that she had never really liked in the first place intruding in her personal space, and the corners of her mouth turned down in a frown. "I didn't realize I had sent out invitations to social hour."

Clarke didn't even flinch. "We're using this room to hang out and do homework. Why don't you leave?"

Lexa raised an eyebrow at her. "This is my room. You can't just kick me out."

"Well, guess what? We don't want you here, so scram."

Lexa was taken aback by the cold tone of the blonde's voice, and even more so by the harsh glint that she saw in blue eyes. Even when the other girl had been at her angriest, Lexa had never seen her like this. She wondered for a second if maybe she had taken it too far the last time they had spoken, but she pushed the thought away almost as soon as it had entered her brain. She couldn't care about the blonde's feelings, especially when the other girl had so clearly stopped caring about hers. Lexa allowed herself to really process her roommate's words, drawing upon all the anger that she could muster. "I'm not going anywhere."

Clarke's voice took on a savage tone as her eyes glinted with newfound anger. "Listen, Lexa, you're a huge bitch, and we don't want to be around you. _I_ don't want to be around you anymore, so I think that it would be best for all of us if you left the room." Clarke paused for a second, but before Lexa could even think about how she wanted to respond, the blonde was talking again. "While you're at it, I wouldn't be opposed to you leaving the school as well."

Lexa regretted the fact that she had ever felt sympathy for this girl in the first place. The blonde was clearly no better than Lexa herself if she was going to say things like that. Lexa didn't back down though, not wanting her roommate to know that she was starting to get to the brunette. "Leave the school? Who do you think you are?! I was going here way before you, so maybe you should leave."

Clarke's features settled into a smug smile that Lexa found a little unsettling. "Why would I do that? It doesn't matter how long you've been going here, Lexa. No one wants you here. Everyone in this house seems to like me better, and I've only been here for two days."

That hit Lexa harder than she'd like to admit, and she wanted nothing more than to shove this other girl right back out the door. "Just get your ass out of my room."

"My room," Clarke corrected. "You do nothing but mope around all day, and I know you probably don't take any of your classes seriously, so I hope that they expel you. I can't see how the hell they haven't already. You don't deserve to go here."

Lexa was speechless, and she was having trouble keeping her emotions off of her face. How dare this girl come in here and tell Lexa that she didn't belong at this school? This was her home, and she could never leave it.

Lexa knew that she needed to get out of this room fast. The way that Clarke was sneering at her and Octavia and Raven could barely conceal their laughter was making Lexa feel trapped. She knew the two girls were laughing at her, and even worse, the blonde was right. No one wanted Lexa here anymore. So was it wrong of her to still want this place? To still need it? This school held all of Lexa's memories, or her happy ones at least. Without it, who was she?

In that moment, Lexa couldn't help but be transported back through time to a moment when a very different person had been standing in her doorway with a huge smile that was almost as big as the one that had adorned Lexa's own face. The brunette wondered how long it had been since she had last smiled. She thought that she had probably never smiled again after receiving that fateful news that had started her downward spiral, which eventually led her to where she was now.

Lexa pulled herself out of her memories and forced herself back into the present. She wanted to snap at Clarke and say something so cruel that the other girl would leave the room again, but she found that she couldn't. She had allowed herself to feel, to remember, and now she couldn't stop the tears from welling up in her own eyes, just like the tears that she had caused to form in Clarke's mere hours ago. The tables had turned, and Lexa knew that she needed to get out of this room as quickly as she could, before the tears forced their way down her cheeks. She got up from the bed and stormed out the door, knocking hard into Clarke's shoulder as she passed the blonde. She could still hear the voices coming from the open door behind her, and she wished more than anything that she had thought to slam the door shut on her way out.

"God, I hate her so much," she heard Raven say.

"Was she crying?" That voice was Octavia's.

"Who cares? We all know she totally deserves it. It feels good to finally be able to give her a taste of her own medicine." Lexa felt the tears finally break free from her eyes and trail down her cheeks at Clarke's words. She cursed herself for this because she was still out in the hallway where anyone could see her, but thankfully no one was around. She didn't want to push her luck though, so she quickly made her way to the attic door at the end of the hallway, opening it and running up the stairs.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a chapter that I know a lot of you have been waiting for. It took me a while to get this one down, so I hope that I did it justice. Thank you to everyone who is reading this story, and I hope you all enjoy the new chapter!

The sun beat down overhead as Clarke walked out to the courtyard with her lunch tray. Surrounded by the loud chatter of students, she scanned the area for her housemates. It took her a second to find them, but after a few seconds of hoping that they were sitting in the cool air of the cafeteria, she spotted Octavia and Raven sitting at one of the round black picnic tables with Bellamy and Lincoln. Clarke sighed, deciding that she'd rather endure the heat than sit inside all by herself, so she made her way over to her friends and plopped down next to Raven.

"Hey, Clarke," Raven greeted. "What do you think of our chemistry class? I think it's already pretty interesting, and I'm sure that the labs will be really fun."

Clarke could not say that she really cared for the subject. She was much more interested in the art elective that she was taking, but she smiled for Raven's sake and nodded along with what the brunette was saying. "Um, yeah, I guess."

Octavia saw right through the blonde's attempt to agree, rolling her eyes at her best friend. "Raven, not everyone likes chemistry as much as you do." Octavia turned to Clarke with an apologetic look. "Don't mind her, Clarke. She's kind of a nerd."

Raven scoffed. "Oh, come on. You don't like a single one of your classes."

"Does anyone?" Octavia asked, and Clarke couldn't help but chuckle at that statement. Octavia and Raven clearly had very different views on school, and Clarke found it funny that they got along so well despite this.

Clarke was just about to reply when something caught her eye on the other side of the courtyard. It was Lexa, sitting down at a table in the corner, all by herself. Come to think of it, Clarke hadn't even seen Lexa show up for lunch the last two days, and she wondered if maybe the other girl normally sat inside. Something told Clarke that wasn't it though and that this girl normally avoided eating with everyone altogether, just like she did at the house.

Clarke was still angry at her roommate, but she couldn't help but feel bad about how harsh she had been the previous day, especially now that Lexa was sitting all by herself. That image tugged at the blonde's heartstrings, even if she knew that it was probably what the other girl preferred. Clarke wished that she could just be callous and indifferent like her roommate, but that wasn't the kind of person she was. She was the kind of person who now felt kind of terrible because of the way she had treated Lexa.

"Clarke? Earth to Clarke?" The hand waving in front of her face, and Raven's voice saying her name, brought Clarke's attention back to the people in front of her.

Everyone was looking at her expectantly, and Clarke realized that Raven must have asked her a question, and she had been too spaced out to answer it. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I was just asking what school you came from. What were you looking at?" Raven asked curiously.

Clarke took a second to consider how she wanted to respond. She knew that everyone at the table probably hated Lexa, especially Raven, and Clarke didn't want them to be disappointed in her because of her natural tendency to look out for everyone, no matter how horrible. However, she knew that she needed to just tell the truth. She just needed to be herself, no matter what anyone thought. Besides, she was pretty sure that these people wouldn't think that she was actually a little concerned about Lexa after the way she had treated the brunette the previous day. "I was looking at Lexa. Does she always sit by herself like that?"

Octavia shrugged. "When she even shows up. Don't worry about her. It's her own fault that no one wants to sit with her."

Clarke was glad that her friends didn't make anything of her question. She realized that these people knew Lexa for two years already, and she decided to keep on pressing them for information, wanting to know if Lexa had always been this way. Clarke thought that she most certainly had until she remembered something that Raven had said shortly after they first met. "You said she used to be friends with Anya and Emori. What happened?"

Everyone at the table exchanged uneasy glances, and Clarke felt like she had struck a nerve. Her brows furrowed in confusion because whatever happened seemed like it had affected not only Lexa, but the people at this table as well. Clarke watched them carefully, waiting for someone to speak, and her eyes narrowed when Octavia eyed Lincoln warily. The blonde was about to question this when Octavia finally opened her mouth to speak. Before she could even get a word out though, Lincoln cleared his throat and began to speak instead.

"Two years ago, my sister used to go here as well. Her name was Costia, and she was Lexa's roommate. I didn't know much about Lexa at first because she was pretty reserved and quiet, but Costia took a fast liking to her. They quickly became inseparable, and Lexa opened up pretty quickly with Costia's help. They made friends with Anya and Emori, and I became friends with Lexa too. I hung out with their friends group a lot, and Lexa was a very sweet girl, so when the two of them started dating, I wasn't opposed to it in the slightest." He smiled at the memory, pausing for a moment before continuing on. "They were in love. There wasn't a doubt about it. Costia was so happy. Happier than I'd ever seen her, and so was Lexa."

Clarke was shocked at this news that Lexa had once been a pleasant person, someone that Lincoln had really liked, judging by his words and the small smile on his face. Clarke was instantly intrigued, and she wanted to know more. "So what happened to her? Did they break up?"

Lincoln shook his head. "That summer, my mother went on a business trip to London, and she brought Costia with her. On their way back, their plane crashed, and there were no survivors."

Clarke couldn't help the horror that played out on her face when he answered. "I'm so sorry, Lincoln."

"It's okay. It was definitely a tough time, but I got over it. Well, as much as I could. Octavia helped a lot with that." Lincoln gave his girlfriend's hand a squeeze. "Lexa never got over it. Last year, she asked that she not have a roommate, and everyone saw the sense in this. It was way too soon, and Mr. Kane agreed, pulling strings with the headmaster to make it happen. Everyone thought this would be good for her and give her the time that she needed to heal, but it only served to isolate her from the rest of us. She spent more and more time holed up in her room, and soon, she stopped talking to me altogether. It only kept going downhill from there. She stopped talking to Anya and Emori, and then she even stopped showing up to dinner. It's been a year, and she just keeps getting worse and worse. Nobody knows what to do anymore, and honestly no one cares to do it. I know the way that she's behaving is just an act to push everybody away, but that doesn't make it alright. Now, you're her new roommate, and I know that really threw her for a loop. I'm sorry about the way that she's been treating you. No one deserves that."

Raven scowled, done talking about the other girl in a less than hostile way. "Lexa's a jerk. I mean, Clarke, you lost your dad, and you're not treating everyone like crap. Lincoln lost his mom _and_ sister, and he's not treating everyone like crap. If you can be nice and care about others after losing a parent, then she should be able to at least be civil after losing her girlfriend that she only knew for a year."

Octavia and Bellamy nodded along, but Lincoln looked as unsure as Clarke felt. The blonde had always assumed that Lexa was acting the way she was because she was just inherently cruel. It had never even crossed Clarke's mind that Lexa might be dealing with something too. The others didn't understand because they had never lost someone, but Clarke understood. She had been in a dark place once too, and she wouldn't wish that upon anyone, even Lexa.

Now, Clarke really felt bad about the things she had said yesterday. Especially because she had basically told the brunette to leave the place where she had been happiest. Clarke now understood why this school was so important to the other girl, and she knew that she wouldn't be able to rest until she had apologized for the things that she had said. Even if Lexa was rude to her and refused to accept her apology, Clarke would feel much better after having expressed her regret.

Clarke pushed up from the table, ignoring the questioning glances from its inhabitants and walked across the courtyard to where Lexa was sitting. When the brunette noticed her coming, hostile green eyes were turned her way, and Clarke almost wanted to turn around and walk right back to where she had been sitting. However, she pushed down her dislike for the girl in front of her, knowing that this was something that she needed to do, and she forced herself to sit down across from the angry girl.

"What do you want?" the brunette snarled, and Clarke was not surprised.

Clarke realized that she felt differently about Lexa now. When she saw the other girl's anger, she didn't feel the familiar hostility bubbling inside of her. Clarke knew that this was mainly due to the way that Lincoln had described Lexa. Now, the blonde couldn't help but see _that_ Lexa in front of her because she knew that the girl that Lincoln had talked about was still in there somewhere, buried underneath all of the superficial aggression. Clarke hoped that she could actually see that girl someday, and she knew she needed to start by saying what she came here to say. "I came here to say I'm sorry. For yesterday. I don't really want you to get expelled, and I didn't mean it when I said that no one wants you here."

Lexa looked up at her with a look of surprise and confusion, and when she answered, her tone had no bite. "Why not? It's true. Everyone hates me."

Clarke decided to go out on a limb and say what she was just now realizing. "I don't hate you."

Lexa's surprise and confusion deepened. "Why? I've been awful to you."

Clarke decided to try and joke with the other girl. "Maybe I like it when people are awful to me."

The blonde could have sworn that she saw the corners of Lexa's lips turn up in a tiny smile, but it was gone before she could be sure. She was honestly taken aback at the brunette's calm behavior. Her roommate hadn't talked to her with anything other than anger in her voice since she had arrived, and now it was shocking that she was being so calm. Clarke wondered why it was that the other girl wasn't yelling at her now. She doubted that a simple apology and a stupid joke were enough to dispel the resentment that had settled between them.

Clarke cleared her throat, deciding that now was as good a time as any to bring up the fact the she knew what had happened. Since Lexa was acting so calm right now, Clarke figured that it would be a great time to try to reason with the brunette because she would be much more likely to actually allow the blonde to help. "I know about what happened to Costia. I'm sorry."

Clarke watched as Lexa stiffened at the mention of her former girlfriend's name, and the blonde hoped that she hadn't just driven away Lexa's calm demeanor. For the first time ever, the two girls had sort of been getting along, and Clarke seriously hoped that she hadn't just ruined that.

"Who told you about her?" Lexa asked quietly.

"It doesn't matter," Clarke told her, not wanting to get Lincoln in trouble. "What matters is that I know what it's like to lose someone, so I can help you. If you'll let me, that is."

Lexa met Clarke's eyes with a challenging expression. "It's not the same. Losing your father is not the same as losing the girl you love."

Clarke wanted to point out that it was worse because how could it not be? Raven had said that Lexa had only known Costia for a year, but Clarke didn't know anything about Lexa's relationship, and she supposed that she shouldn't go and make assumptions. That, and she didn't want to upset the brunette girl further, so she settled on a different response. "I know it's not the same, but the point is that I understand—"

Lexa cut her off, shouting now. "No, you don't! You don't understand!" Her eyes fell down to the table in front of her, voice quieting a bit. "No one ever understands."

"Lexa—"

"Just don't ever say her name again," the brunette snapped, angry green eyes raising back up to meet Clarke's.

"Okay." Clarke raised both of her hands in surrender. "Okay."

Clarke looked down at her food, deciding that it would be best not to say anything more. She figured she might as well start eating, so she scooped up some mashed potatoes and brought the spoonful to her mouth. They sat in a tense silence, but Clarke had barely swallowed her mouthful of mashed potatoes when Lexa was glaring at her again. "You're just going to sit here now? Get lost!"

Clarke wanted to argue, for more reasons than one. She wanted to tell the other girl off for acting so rude, but she also wanted to get through to the broken girl in front of her. Now that she knew Lexa had been through something similar, she couldn't help her newfound desire to be there for the brunette. She tried to think of some way to respond, but she came up with nothing. She was frustrated that she had no idea what she could say or do to get through to her roommate right now, and she was honestly getting really tired of being treated like crap.

Clarke stood up from the table, pulling her tray with her, but she wasn't leaving quite yet. "Lexa, you can continue being horrible to everyone and pushing everyone away, but the only person that you're hurting is yourself. Don't pretend that there's no hope for you. There is. You _can_ get better, and the only person that's standing in the way of you doing just that is yourself. So you can either let me try to help you, or you can be miserable for the rest of your life. It's your choice."

Clarke spun on her heel, making her way back to her table without looking back once. She told herself it was because she didn't care what the other girl chose and not because she couldn't stand to see the slight look of hurt that had registered in green eyes at her words.

* * *

After doing homework with Octavia and Raven for a few hours and then eating dinner, Clarke made her way back to her room to find Lexa facing away from her, probably staring at the wall. Clarke tried to feel the irritation and mild annoyance that she normally felt when encountering Lexa moping, but she couldn't now that she knew the reason behind it. She had felt something akin to hatred for Lexa before, but now she just felt sorry for the other girl. She had the strange urge to sit on the edge of Lexa's bed and rub comforting circles on the brunette's back, like Clarke's own mother did for her when she was upset. She had to stop herself from doing this though because she knew that Lexa would not take too kindly to it. Clarke knew that the brunette probably didn't want to talk to her either, but she decided to give it a shot, making sure to keep her voice soft. "Have you thought anymore about what I said earlier?"

Lexa flipped over to face Clarke, the familiar anger in her eyes and bite in her tone. "Yes, I have thought about how I don't want your fucking help. Just stick to my original rule and never talk to me."

Clarke wasn't swayed, staying completely calm, even though she was annoyed by the other girl's reluctance. "Don't you want to stop feeling so awful all the time?"

"No," Lexa said flatly. "As a matter of fact, I'd rather be miserable for the rest of my life."

"I know exactly how you feel because, believe it or not, Lexa, I felt _the same way_. I didn't want to see my friends or my mom, and I just wanted to go out and get drunk all the time. I didn't want to deal with any of my feelings either. I didn't want to care."

This sparked Lexa's curiosity, and the anger faded from her eyes a bit. "How did you get better?"

"Because of my mother. I began to notice how worried I was making her, and I realized it wasn't fair because she lost my dad too, and then it was like she was losing me as well. I decided to try and get better for her. I stopped drinking, and I started spending more time with my mom and simply letting myself feel. It was hard, but I got through the worst of it, and I'm glad that I did because I feel so much better now. I realized though that the reason I was running from my feelings in the first place was because it was easy. Easy to spiral out of control and lose myself in the process. But the truth is that it's so much better to just let your feelings in. I'm not asking you to forget about Cos—her. I'm just asking you allow yourself to really feel and accept her death so that you can grieve and move on." Clarke looked at Lexa with sincere blue eyes.

Clearly, this had been the wrong thing to say because when Lexa replied, Clarke could tell she was seething. "You think I don't feel her death? I feel it every single day. I don't want to move on because I know that I never can. Without Costia, I'm no one. Losing a parent is different. Everyone loses their parents eventually. I lost the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with! What happens when you lose your soulmate?!"

Clarke wanted to roll her eyes at this obvious exaggeration, but she remained calm, not wanting to ruin her chances of getting through to Lexa tonight. "Just because you loved Costia doesn't mean that she was your soulmate. You can't possibly know that for sure. Your soulmate is probably still out there somewhere, waiting for you to get better so you can be with her."

Clarke found that she really did hope that this was true, for Lexa's sake, but the brunette clearly didn't share in this hope. "Costia was my soulmate. End of discussion. I listened to you talk, and it didn't help me, so will you please just leave me alone now?"

"But you weren't really listening at all. Stubbornly insisting that everything I say is wrong isn't listening."

"I don't owe you anything, Clarke. I don't have to get better just because you did, and I don't have to listen to your stupid advice when you don't even know what you're talking about. That may have worked for you, but I'm different, so please stop wasting my time." Lexa rolled back onto her side and pulled her blanket over her head.

"Lexa." Clarke tried to get the brunette's attention to no avail. Lexa clearly thought it safer to simply ignore the blonde rather than give her a chance to start talking again. Clarke sighed and flopped down onto her own bed. She couldn't help the sense of solidarity that she felt now with Lexa due to their similar situations, and she wished that the brunette would not be so infuriating and just listen to Clarke's advice. Then again, the only reason that Clarke had ever gotten better was because of her mom. She allowed her mother to help her because she loved and trusted the older woman. Lexa didn't have anyone here for her like that, and Clarke was no exception. Lexa didn't even know Clarke at all, let alone trust her. If some stranger had come into Clarke's life when she was at her worst, would she really have reacted so differently?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, Clexakru! I meant to update this yesterday, but I just moved into my dorm today, and I was really busy preparing for the move yesterday. Luckily, I had time to finish the chapter tonight, so without further ado, here is chapter 5. I hope you like it! :)

A week. That was how long it had been since Lexa had last spoken to Clarke. Ever since Clarke had tried to help Lexa last week, the brunette had started a childish game of ignoring her. No matter what Clarke said, even if she was just asking a simple question, Lexa went on as if the blonde didn't exist. Clarke found that she hated this behavior, not just because of the pettiness of it all, but because she genuinely missed Lexa. She had grown used to the brunette's harsh words and annoying actions in the few days that she had been there, and she was now finding herself a bit lonely without the other girl. It didn't make sense because she had her friends and the other residents, and Lexa was never anything but mean to her, but the feeling was still there all the same.

Clarke jolted awake now at the sound of a rattling cough from across the room, and once she had identified the source of the noise, she found that she wasn't surprised. The previous day, Lexa had stumbled back to the room soaking wet, presumably having stayed out in the rain, and when Clarke asked what had happened, she got no response, as was expected. Now, it would appear that her roommate had gotten a cold from her foolishness, and Clarke couldn't help but feel that it served her right. That's what she got for acting like a kindergartner just to avoid talking to Clarke. The blonde knew that she should just leave Lexa to deal with her sickness on her own, but after ten minutes of simply lying in her bed, trying to decide what to do, her caring side won out, and she got up to help her irritating roommate.

"Do you want me to get you some soup, Lexa?" she asked. "My mom always makes me a nice, warm bowl of chicken noodle soup when I'm sick."

She received no response, and she wondered why she had even expected one in the first place after the way that Lexa had been acting all week. Since she had only been trying to help the other girl, Clarke had thought that Lexa might make an exception for this, but it seemed as if she wanted nothing more to do with the blonde. Clarke felt something akin to hurt bubble up inside of her at this thought. She wondered why this might be, but she pushed this curiosity away before she could come up with an undesirable answer. She was just about to leave the room and head downstairs to breakfast when she heard Lexa mumble an answer. "I'm not sick."

Clarke smiled in spite of herself at the fact that Lexa had finally answered her, even if it was just to insist that she was fine. The blonde wasn't falling for it though, and she decided to tell the brunette as much. "Lexa, I heard you coughing. You're sick, and it's not surprising considering you stayed out in the rain yesterday. You came in looking like a drowned rat."

Lexa said nothing in response to this, clearly having no valid argument and seemingly no more care to argue. Clarke didn't know what else she could say, so she decided to go back to her original question. "I'm going down to breakfast now. Do you want me to bring you back some soup?"

Lexa rolled over. "No. I can go to breakfast myself."

"You never go to breakfast unless you get up early enough to beat the others. They'll already be down there now, and there's no way you're just going to show up like that," Clarke called her roommate's bluff.

"I'm going," Lexa insisted.

Clarke rolled her eyes. She should've known that Lexa would be stubborn like this. She knew that she should try harder to get Lexa to stay in bed because that's really what would be best for the other girl, but she also knew that there was no arguing with the feisty brunette once she set her mind on something.

Clarke was just about to turn around and walk out the door when Lexa pushed herself into a sitting position, swaying dizzily, eyes unfocused. Clarke was by her side in an instant. "Lexa, just lie back down. I'll—"

Angry green eyes were turned in Clarke's direction. "I'm fine."

Lexa pushed shakily to her feet, swaying a little before losing her balance and toppling backward. Luckily, Clarke was standing right beside her and was able to catch her.

"Get off me!" Lexa pushed Clarke away as she got her bearings.

Clarke's brows furrowed in confusion at the way that Lexa had recoiled at her touch. Did she hate Clarke that much that she couldn't even stand the blonde's touch? As much as Clarke just wanted to forget about Lexa and head downstairs, she knew she couldn't because Lexa really wasn't okay on her own, and she didn't make it far, stopping to lean against the doorframe. Clarke wished that Lexa would just admit that she needed help, and it was times like these that she really wished that she hadn't found out about what happened to Costia so that she could simply go back to detesting her roommate. Instead, she just sighed, making her way over to stand beside Lexa. "I know you don't want me here and that you want to pretend that you're just fine, but you can't even walk on your own right now, so will you please just let me take you back to bed?"

"Stop trying to help me," Lexa growled. "I _am_ fine."

"You're not," Clarke said immediately in a stern tone.

Lexa looked up at her with animosity in her eyes. "Why do you even care?"

Clarke was taken aback by that question because it was a good one. Why did she even care? Because it was in her nature to care about others. Because she understood what Lexa was going through and wanted to help the brunette as her own mother had helped her. But that wasn't it, was it? That didn't explain why she had felt hurt that Lexa was ignoring her or why she might have missed the other girl. She didn't want to think about that though. She couldn't stomach the fact that she might have grown to genuinely like being around Lexa. She was drawn out of her thoughts when she realized that Lexa was still looking up at her expectantly, but the anger in Lexa's green eyes was slowly being replaced with curiosity as she waited for Clarke to give an answer.

"It's my duty to help you," Clarke said lamely. "As your roommate."

The anger returned to Lexa's eyes full force. "No, it's not. I'm not even supposed to have a roommate, so fuck off."

Clarke wished that she could suck her words right back into her mouth and come up with a more intelligent answer, but she couldn't, so now she had to work with what she had started. She wanted to scream in frustration because she didn't know what else to do, and that's when an idea hit her. "Wouldn't you expect Costia to help you?"

That did the trick. Lexa's tough demeanor fell, and Clarke could detect vulnerability in the girl's green eyes. It was only there for a second before Lexa's eyes steeled over again, but a second was all Clarke needed to know that she had gotten through to her roommate.

"Yes, but you're not her," Lexa replied stubbornly.

"No, I'm not her, but think about it. She would want me to do this. I'm honoring her memory, and you know that she would want you to accept my help. She wouldn't want to see you make yourself sicker than you already are. She would want you to get better."

"I stopped caring about what she would want the minute she left me here alone." Lexa pushed away from the doorframe and began to walk towards the stairs again.

Clarke groaned at the other girl's stubbornness, knowing that what Lexa had said was a lie. "We both know that's not true. You obviously still love her, or you wouldn't be acting the way that you are. You would've moved on, but you clearly haven't, so I think that you still care a lot about what she would think."

This caused Lexa to freeze in her tracks, and Clarke stepped forward carefully when Lexa turned around to face her, feeling a little like she was walking up to a deer that she did not want to scare off. The anger in Lexa's eyes was gone now, replaced with something that looked like defeat.

"You're right," Lexa said softly. "I still love her very much, and I know that she would want me to accept your help."

Clarke tried her best to keep her disbelief off her face, and she thought that she might never understand this girl. Lexa had been fighting against her this entire time, and now she was suddenly just giving in? Maybe Clarke just needed to keep pushing to get through to her. However, Clarke realized that it might be something else entirely when she reached out to help the brunette. Lexa's legs gave out underneath her, and she slumped against Clarke, clearly starting to feel worse than she had before, and Clarke thought that this was probably the reason why the other girl had finally chosen to accept her help. Clarke quickly looped an arm around Lexa's waist to hold her up, alarmed when she felt the burning heat of the brunette's forehead against her collarbone. Lexa definitely had a fever, and it felt like a high one. Clarke knew that her roommate was half-delirious at the moment, and so she hooked her free arms under Lexa's knees, grunting as she picked the brunette up and carried her to the bedroom. Clarke couldn't help a sigh of relief from escaping her lips once Lexa was laid out on the bed, and the blonde pulled a blanket up over her roommate once she noticed that the other girl was shivering. She placed her hand lightly on Lexa's forehead and winced, frowning at the hot temperature.

"You have a fever," Clarke announced. "I'll go grab Indra so she can take your temperature and get you some medicine."

Lexa's eyes sprang open at the mention of the house mother. "No. You can't let her know that I'm sick."

"Why not?" Clarke asked exasperatedly. "You're burning up, Lexa."

"If you tell her, she won't leave me alone," Lexa explained. "She'll want to stay in here and watch me the whole time that you guys are at school."

Clarke didn't see the problem with this. "She just wants to make sure you're okay. Besides, you'll only be resting anyway. Why can't she stay in case you need anything?"

Lexa rolled her eyes. "Because I don't want her in here. Just don't tell her anything."

Clarke couldn't believe what she was about to offer, but she did it anyway. "Lexa, we need to know how bad your fever is, and you have to let someone take care of you, so if you won't let it be Indra, let it be me. I'll take the day off of school to stay here with you."

The blonde expected Lexa to change her mind immediately and ask for Indra instead. She expected so many things, to be yelled at, to be ignored, for Lexa to throw a tantrum, but the one thing that Clarke would've never expected in a million years was Lexa's actual response. A simple nod of approval.

Clarke was about to question this, but she immediately clamped her mouth shut, not wanting to upset her roommate again. She simply let the topic drop and moved on. "I still have to let Indra come up here to check your temperature though."

Lexa opened her mouth to protest, but Clarke cut her off. "I won't let her stay. She'll just come up and take your temperature really quickly, give you medicine, and then I will come right back."

Lexa looked hesitant to agree, but she finally nodded, and Clarke was so relieved that she nodded back. She spun on her heel, eager to get out of the room before Lexa got a chance to argue again. She was almost out the door when she heard a soft murmur behind her. "Thank you, Clarke."

The blonde almost fell over at the brunette's words, surprised to actually be thanked when Lexa never showed appreciation to anyone. Clarke didn't know why, but this actually brought a smile to her lips, feeling like she had accomplished something that no one else had. "You're welcome, Lexa."

* * *

Clarke made her way downstairs to find everyone already seated around the long dining table eating what appeared to be blueberry pancakes. Clarke's stomach rumbled at the sight of the food, but she then remembered Lexa and walked into the kitchen to find Indra. The older woman was standing in front of the black stove, wiping it down from the breakfast she had just been cooking.

She looked up at the sound of Clarke's entrance, and the blonde felt bad that she was about to make Indra mess up her work station that she had just cleaned. "Hi, Indra. Would you mind helping me make a bowl of chicken noodle soup?"

A warm smile spread across Indra's face. "Of course, dear. If you wanted chicken noodle soup, you should've told me last night, and I could've had it waiting for you this morning."

"It's not for me," Clarke told her. "It's for Lexa. She has a fever."

"In that case, I'll make it right away. You don't have to help me with it. Go join the others for breakfast," Indra insisted. "I'll get the soup started, and then I'll go check Lexa's temperature."

Clarke couldn't help but smile at Indra's kind tone. Octavia had been right when she had first described the house mother to Clarke. Indra was the sweetest person ever, and this only added to Clarke's certainty that coming to this school had been the right thing to do. She was glad to be a part of such a nice little community.

"Thank you. Would you mind letting me bring it to her though? I'm going to stay home from school today to take care of her."

"You don't have to do that, honey. I can stay with her," Indra offered. "I know that Lexa isn't easy to be around."

"She said it was fine. I think she wants me to stay with her." Clarke knew this to be true because the brunette didn't protest. However, the blonde was sure it was only because Lexa didn't want Indra to stay with her, even though Clarke hadn't the faintest idea why.

Indra looked at Clarke curiously. "Really? I suppose that's good then. It's nice to see that someone is finally getting through to her."

Clarke was just about to argue that she wasn't sure she was exactly getting through to Lexa, as the brunette hadn't said a single word to her this past week, but before the blonde could even open her mouth, Raven was calling her from the dining room. "Hey, Clarke, are you coming?"

Clarke shook her head at her friend, smiling a little, and Indra chuckled, making a shooing gesture with her hands. "Go out and join your friends, and I'll let you know when the soup's ready."

Clarke nodded in thanks before walking out of the kitchen, where Raven was looking at her expectantly, and Clarke just playfully rolled her eyes at her friend, sinking down into her usual place beside Octavia.

"How many pancakes do you want?" Octavia asked brightly.

Clarke shrugged. "Two's fine."

She wanted to point out that she was perfectly capable of getting her own pancakes, but it was nice to have someone who cared about her enough to actually want to do if for her. Clarke had never lived in a house with so many people before, and it felt like she had finally gotten the siblings that she had always wanted as a child. She thanked Octavia as the brunette placed two pancakes onto her plate, and she was not surprised to find that they smelled delicious. Everything Indra cooked for them always was.

"Why only two, Griffin? I had four," Raven announced.

Clarke smiled and rolled her eyes, about to protest that she wanted to save some room for lunch, but Bellamy spoke up before she could. "Well, I had six, but who's counting?"

He smirked at Raven, and she glared at him, elbowing him in the ribs. "Show off."

Clarke looked up for the butter, only to find Emori already passing her the butter and the syrup, and she accepted them, smiling at the other girl in thanks. Clarke began to butter her pancakes, but she was quickly pulled back into the conversation. Not that she minded though. She actually preferred to be drawn into a conversation rather than be left alone, and she supposed she was starkly opposite from Lexa in that matter. Clarke liked how these people already cared about her and accepted her as one of their own, even though she had only been there for a week and a half. She really felt like she belonged here, something that she hadn't felt since her dad died, and it was a relief for her to finally belong again after so much time feeling like she never would.

"So, Clarke, will you join my team for the kickball tournament we're having in gym today?" Emori asked.

Clarke's brows furrowed in confusion. "Don't we already play as a team? I thought we had to play with our houses."

Emori shook her head. "We don't, so I always play for Azgeda House because that's where my boyfriend, John Murphy, lives. Bellamy usually plays with us too because he's still pining for that Echo girl."

"I'm not pining. She likes me, I swear." Bellamy smirked at everyone sitting around the table.

Jasper just laughed. "Right. I'm sure she likes you, Bellamy. As a friend."

"It's pretty pathetic when the two pranksters have girlfriends, but not you," Raven giggled, and Bellamy just rolled his eyes, grumbling under his breath.

Clarke pointed to Jasper and Monty. "Then, you two play for different houses as well."

"No. Maya and Harper normally play for our house," Monty said.

The way that everyone at the table was talking about this kickball tournament made it sound like it was pretty important to the school. Clarke was confused though because Mr. Kane didn't mention it when she had first gotten there, nor had she ever heard about it, apart from when the coach announced the previous day that they would be playing the sport today. Everyone had cheered, but Clarke had thought that the people in this house just really liked kickball. Come to think of it though, it was a little weird that their entire house had gym at the same time, almost as if it were planned specifically for this event. "So, is this a big thing?"

"Huge." Octavia was quick to reply. "Well, not the one that happens today, but at the end of each semester, we have a big tournament that's a lot more serious. That's where you find out if you're any good or not. You have to stay with your house for that one, and the house that wins gets the Polis Kickball Cup displayed in their house until they lose it."

"Who has it now?" Clarke questioned.

"Mount Weather House," Jasper answered. "That's where Maya and Harper live."

"So we get to see it every time we visit them," Monty said wistfully.

Clarke frowned at his tone, wondering if Arkadia had never won the cup before. Monty talked as if he didn't think they could win either. When he talked about the cup, he sounded like someone who had to look at something that they greatly wanted but could never have.

Octavia answered Clarke's unspoken question before she could even ask it, sounding a lot more hopeful about the house's success. "Arkadia House has never won in the two years that I have been here, but I think we can do it this year, and I know I say the same thing every year, but I just really want to win. So does everyone at the school, really. That's why we all try to take the practice rounds as seriously as possible, even though some people insist on playing for other teams."

Clarke almost felt guilty for missing this day now, but in all honesty, she had forgotten that it was one of the days in gym that was being devoted to kickball. Even if she had remembered, she would not have thought much of missing it because she had no idea that the sport was such a big deal. She decided that she might as well just tell everyone now and get it over with rather than allowing them to go on thinking that she would actually be present for the kickball games today. "Well, I'm not going to be participating in the tournament today because I'm not going to school."

Clarke was met with eight shocked faces turning towards her. Some people just looked confused, and the others were looking at her like she was nuts for missing kickball day. She understood their confusion though. She wasn't showing any signs of being sick, and there was no other obvious reason why she might be missing school, especially on such an important day. Clarke knew that she would have to tell them the reason that she was skipping sooner or later, even though they probably weren't going to like it, so she decided to just go ahead and explain it as best as she could. However, she had no idea how to explain herself when she wasn't even sure why she felt the need to stay with her roommate in the first place, but she knew she needed to try once people started to speak up again.

"Why the hell not?" Raven asked incredulously.

"Are you feeling sick?" Lincoln looked concerned.

"I'm fine," Clarke assured them. "It's Lexa who's sick, and I'm going to stay here to take care of her."

"Why would you do that? It's not like she wants anyone to stay with her. She'll just treat you like shit, and it'll probably be worse than usual," Bellamy pointed out.

Octavia was quick to agree with him. "Bellamy's right. You don't have to subject yourself to that. If she's sick, it serves her right for the way that she's been acting, and you shouldn't feel obligated to help her."

Clarke knew that they would react like this, but she was not about to break her word. "Guys, I already promised her I would, so it's a done deal. I don't break my promises, and for some crazy reason, she would rather have me stay with her than Indra."

"That's because Indra's our aunt," Lincoln spoke up. "Mine and Costia's. That's the main reason we came to this school in the first place."

Realization dawned on Clarke's face. "Indra must remind her of Costia, or maybe she's afraid that Indra will try to talk to her about Costia or—"

Raven cut off the blonde's musings. "Who knows what goes on in Lexa's crazy head?"

"It's because she knows that Indra cares about her." Lincoln ignored Raven's comment. "She doesn't want to be around people who care about her anymore, especially if she used to care about them, because she's afraid they might make her want to get better, and she just doesn't want that."

"That's…sad," Clarke said, unable to find a better word for it, "but I understand. I was the same way after my dad died."

"But you're better now." Anya spoke up for the first time since Clarke had entered the room. "You must have let someone in."

"Yes. My mother. She wouldn't stop caring about me, no matter what, and when I realized that I was hurting her, even in my callous state, it upset me, and it made me want to change. My mom helped me get through it, and it wasn't easy, but I'm much better now than I was." Clarke was silent for a moment before she continued speaking. "Lexa doesn't have anyone like that here for her, and she's pushing everyone away, but I won't let her push me away. I'm going to make sure that Lexa knows that I care about her, whether she likes it or not, and maybe that will help her to start caring about herself again."

A tense silence settled over the table, and Clarke could not tell whether it was a good one or a bad one. Some people were wearing disapproving looks, some with looks of gratitude, and some with no expression at all. Clarke didn't know what to say, so she just stayed silent, and she imagined that everyone else felt the same way, as no one else said a word until Emori broke the silence several seconds later. "Thank you for doing this, Clarke."

Raven looked at Emori like she had just said that she didn't like Indra's cooking. "Seriously? I think this is insane."

Anya glared at the brunette before turning her attention back to Clarke. "No, really, Clarke. If you can get our old best friend back, I'll have to give it to you. We were never able to get through to her. No one was."

Clarke didn't know if she could actually do this, but it was a challenge she was willing to take. Anya's and Emori's gratitude just made her all the more determined. "I'll try my best."

* * *

Lexa sank back into her pillow as soon as Clarke left, closing her eyes. She knew that she should've told Clarke off when the blond girl had offered to stay with her, but she was honestly too tired and cold to even care. She pulled her blanket tighter around her. She didn't know if it was just the fever talking, but a tiny part of Lexa was kind of glad that Clarke cared about her enough to stay here with her. Yep, that was definitely the fever talking. However, Lexa couldn't help the fact that Clarke's kind demeanor and the fact that Clarke believed in her was starting to make Lexa feel like she wanted to get better. If Clarke had done it, then Lexa might be able to as well. She might be able to go back to her old life and start talking to her friends again. Maybe Clarke was right, and she wouldn't be so miserable all of the time if she simply let herself feel. It was at that exact moment that Indra walked through the door, and Lexa was reminded of the reason she had stopped feeling in the first place. Costia was gone, and without her, all Lexa felt was pain. If pushing everyone away meant that Lexa could escape this burning sense of loss, then Lexa never wanted to feel again.

She could see the look of pity on Indra's face, and she wanted nothing more than to smack it off. This was the way Anya looked at her. This was the way Emori and Lincoln looked at her. This was the way everyone looked at her, and this was exactly what she couldn't stand. This was the reason that she had started to push everyone away in the first place. She hated the way that everyone had looked at her with pity on their faces, as if she needed their sympathy because she was no longer as good as them. She was sick and tired of everyone feeling sorry for her, and she supposed that's why she preferred for Clarke to stay with her rather than Indra. In all the time that she had been here, Clarke hadn't looked at Lexa with pity in her eyes once, like she already knew what it felt like to be looked at that way and hadn't liked it. The brunette supposed that her roommate actually did know what it felt like due to the loss of her father, and Lexa was happy to find that the blonde had probably hated it as much as she did. Whether Clarke felt bad for Lexa or not, it never played out on her face, and Lexa was grateful for that. Sure, Clarke was infuriating and horrible, but at least she knew better than to make the one mistake that it seemed like everyone around Lexa would never stop making.

Lexa had almost forgotten that Indra was in the room, due to her racing thoughts and her feverish haze, so she did not take too kindly when the older woman snapped her out of her thoughts. "How are you doing, Lexa?"

"I'm fine," Lexa spat. "Clarke's just being absolutely ridiculous."

"If it's nothing, then I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I took your temperature. Just to be sure." Indra smiled warmly, and it only made Lexa angrier. She hated smiles, especially when she was having a shitty day.

"I do mind, actually," Lexa snapped rudely, "but go ahead."

Indra stuck the thermometer into the brunette's mouth, and the two of them waited in silence until it beeped. Lexa was thankful for the fact that Indra didn't try to talk to her again. She had nothing to say to anyone anymore, and Indra was no exception. When the house mother pulled the thermometer from Lexa's mouth, she read the temperature and gasped. Any normal person might get worried or at least ask what was wrong, but Lexa didn't even flinch, not caring in the slightest about what had provoked such a response from Indra.

"Oh, Lexa, are you sure you don't want me to stay with you? You have a fever of a hundred and three."

The brunette knew that Indra cared about her, and that she should just accept the woman's help at this point, but the fact remained that she didn't want it, so she grunted out a response. "I'm sure. Clarke said she's staying with me."

Indra was silent for a moment, seemingly deciding whether or not to say what she clearly wanted to say. Lexa wished that she would just decide against it and leave. She didn't. "I'm glad to hear that you're getting along with Clarke."

Lexa rolled her eyes. "We're not getting along. She just feels like it's her duty to look out for me because she's my roommate or something. It's not a big deal."

"Lexa, I know you don't want to hear this, but Clarke cares about you. I saw her down in the kitchen this morning when she told me you were sick, and she was genuinely worried about you." Indra paused for a moment before deciding to continue. "You'd rather have her in here with you than me today, so she must be doing something right that the rest of us aren't. Maybe it's time to finally let someone in."

Indra administered some medicine to Lexa and then left the room, but Lexa couldn't get the woman's words out of her head. She had to admit that if she had to choose someone in this house to hang out with, she would choose Clarke, because the blonde cared, because she made Lexa feel wanted. Lexa's ideal situation would be to be alone of course, but she had to admit that Clarke wasn't that bad. She felt a piece of her stirring that she had kept locked away for a long time, a piece of the old Lexa that had never really left, and she couldn't deny that maybe Indra was right.

* * *

Clarke was sitting at the table with Octavia, Bellamy, and Raven, who had decided to wait on the soup with Clarke. The others had finished breakfast and left the table several minutes ago, but when Clarke told her three closest friends that she had to wait, they insisted on keeping her company. When Indra called out to Clarke that the soup was ready, the blonde thanked all of her friends for staying with her and skittered off into the kitchen to grab the bowl. After thanking Indra, she hurried up the stairs while her friends were walking out the door below.

"Good luck with Lexa," Bellamy called out to her on his way out the door.

"Thanks." Clarke sighed. "I'm probably going to need it."

Upon opening the door, Clarke spotted Lexa in bed, presumably asleep, and she wandered over to her roommate, pressing her hand to the brunette's forehead to assess her temperature. Lexa was still burning up, and green eyes blinked open at the feel of Clarke's hand.

"Why are you touching me?" Lexa asked in a biting tone.

"Hello to you, too," the blonde snarked before taking on a more serious tone. "Indra said you had a fever of 103. I'm just a little worried about you, that's all."

"Don't worry about me, Clarke. I'll be fine," Lexa said, her tone now gentle.

Clarke had to bite back a groan of annoyance at how hot and cold her roommate was being right now. First, she had given Clarke the familiar harsh greeting, and then she had calmed down, telling Clarke not to worry. The blonde wondered where that second response had come from before chalking it up to the fever. She wished that Lexa would stay that way for the remainder of the day because it would be a lot easier for Clarke to take care of her if the brunette wasn't arguing with every word she said, but she knew that was too good to be true. She held back a response, not wishing to chance being chewed out again, and simply nodded.

After a moment of standing awkwardly beside the bed, Clarke held up the bowl that she was carrying. "I brought you some soup."

Lexa just nodded quietly, and Clarke sat down on the edge of her bed, helping the brunette to sit up and arranging the pillows comfortably behind her back. When Lexa made no move to grab the soup that Clarke had set on her dresser, Clarke grabbed it herself, getting a spoonful of it and bringing it to Lexa's mouth. She soon found out that this was apparently the wrong thing to do though when Lexa huffed. "I can do it myself."

Clarke was about to drop the spoon back into the bowl in mild annoyance, but before she could, the brunette leaned forward and accepted the spoonful. Clarke was taken aback because only seconds ago, Lexa had been refusing it. The blonde wondered if this meant that Lexa wanted to eat it herself or if she wanted Clarke to keep feeding it to her, but in the end, Clarke decided to go with the safe option and just give Lexa the bowl. The brunette gladly accepted it, and Clarke watched on in silence as Lexa ate the soup, giving the other girl some peace and quiet so that she could enjoy it. Once Lexa had finished, Clarke grabbed the bowl from her before helping her to lie back down on the bed.

"I'm going to take this downstairs to Indra, and then I'll bring up a cool cloth to lay on your forehead, okay?"

After receiving a nod of confirmation, she left the room, making her way downstairs to bring the bowl back to the kitchen. When Clarke returned with the cloth, she half-expected Lexa to be asleep, and although the brunette was certainly on her way, her eyes blinked open when the blonde stepped into the room. Clarke sat back down on the edge of her roommate's bed and pressed the cloth to her forehead, causing a sigh to escape the brunette's lips. After a few moments of sitting in silence, Clarke began to run her fingers soothingly through Lexa's long brunette curls, hoping that this might serve to help Lexa finally drift off to sleep again.

"I hate you," Lexa murmured sleepily.

Clarke instantly pulled her hand away from Lexa's hair. After everything Clarke was doing for Lexa today, the brunette still hated her. The blonde couldn't help the hurt that flooded through her at the knowledge of that. She had been hoping that Lexa allowing Clarke to stay with her meant something, that the blonde was finally starting to get somewhere with her roommate. She realized now that Lexa simply did not wish for it to be Indra who stayed with her and nothing more. Clarke felt stupid for even having thought that some small part of Lexa might have genuinely wanted Clarke to stay, and she felt even stupider for having cared so much. She should have known that she would have to work much harder than this to get into Lexa's good graces. Still, she had been trying with Lexa every chance that she got, and she didn't know how much more she could do. She couldn't believe how ungrateful Lexa was being.

Clarke huffed in irritation as she stood up from the bed, intending to go back to her side of the room and occupy herself with some homework or something until Lexa needed her again, but before she could take a single step, she felt a hand slip into hers. She turned around in slight surprise to see Lexa looking up at her with pleading green eyes. "Don't leave me."

Clarke had half a mind to just walk away from the other girl anyway after what she had said, but she could tell by the look in her roommate's eyes that the brunette really wanted her to stay, so she relented, reclaiming her place on the bed. "Okay. I won't leave you."

Lexa hummed contentedly at that, letting her eyes slide closed again, and Clarke remained where she was, idly rubbing her thumb back and forth over the back of Lexa's hand. She had felt a strange relief upon hearing Lexa's request, and she wondered to herself why it was that she would rather stay here and hold Lexa's germ-infested hand than go back to her side of the room and maybe draw or even get her homework done. Only a little over a week ago, Clarke hadn't wanted anything to do with her roommate, and now here she was, wanting nothing more than to comfort the other girl. And it did seem to comfort the brunette because even after she had been asleep for hours, she never let up her grip on Clarke's hand.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thursday, everyone! I hope you have all had a great week so far. I'm really glad that so many of you are excited about this story and are enjoying it. Thank you all so much for all the kudos and comments you have given so far, and I hope you enjoy the new chapter! <3

Lexa slept throughout the entire rest of the day, only waking up once in the evening for Indra to give her another dose of medicine and another bowl of soup. Clarke wasn't surprised what with the fever that the other girl had, and the blonde had to say that she was relieved that she didn't have to deal with her roommate anymore. She still stayed beside Lexa without fail, deciding to forego getting ahead on her homework in favor of reading a book. That night, Clarke contemplated on whether or not she wanted to go back to her bed, but Lexa still hadn't let go of her hand, and Clarke figured that if this was what comforted the agitating brunette, then the blonde would stay beside her and sleep in the chair that she was sitting in.

The next morning, Clarke finally left her roommate's side to head down to breakfast. When she returned, she noticed Lexa stirring in bed, and she thought that the brunette must be waking up. Only she didn't wake up. Clarke's brows furrowed in confusion until she realized that Lexa might be having a nightmare. The brunette didn't seem particularly scared though, but rather as if she were searching for something. It only took Clarke a second to realize that that something must be her hand. The blonde made her way back over to sit beside her roommate's bed, grabbing Lexa's hand in her own. She smiled when Lexa immediately calmed down at her touch, briefly wondering why the brunette found holding Clarke's hand so comforting when she knew that Lexa couldn't stand her. She didn't have much time to contemplate this though because seconds later, Lexa was blinking open her sleepy green eyes.

"Good morning, Lexa," Clarke said softly.

She used this gentle tone in the hopes that Lexa would not be rude to her and push her away. She hoped that maybe Lexa might remain calm for her, especially after the way that Clarke had sat beside her for so long. She knew Lexa didn't work that way though and that she would most likely still think she owed Clarke nothing. The blonde watched intently, trying to get a read on Lexa's expression, and she was kind of surprised when she saw none of the usual hostility in green eyes.

"Hey." Lexa sat up blearily and rubbed at her eyes. "How long was I out?"

"You slept through the rest of the evening and all night," Clarke informed her.

"Did you stay with me all that time?" Lexa asked curiously.

Clarke paused for a moment, unsure of how Lexa would want her to answer that question. Lexa's subconscious had very obviously wanted Clarke to stay, but the blonde had no idea what the brunette would want to hear now that she was awake. Lexa was acting pretty mellow right now, but Clarke had seen her moods turn on a dime. The blonde decided that the safest option would be to go for something vague. "Most of it. How are you feeling?"

"Much better." Clarke thought that she could detect a hint of something akin to gratitude or maybe even warmth in the brunette's eyes. It was a strange sight, but it didn't go away. Clarke reached out a tentative hand to touch Lexa's forehead, and she hoped that she was not about to shatter this temporary peace. She was relieved to find that Lexa didn't flinch away, and even more so, when she felt that Lexa's temperature was back to normal.

"Your forehead doesn't feel warm anymore." Clarke removed her hand. "I think your fever is gone."

"Thanks for taking care of me," Lexa said quietly, looking down at her light purple sheets. "I'm sorry that I was so rude to you."

Clarke had to stop her mouth from dropping open in shock. Lexa was apologizing? The brunette tore through people like a hurricane, completely disregarding the damage that she left in her wake. Since when did she start caring about other people's feelings? Clarke wondered if perhaps she had been wrong and her roommate still had a fever. Whether she did or not, Clarke couldn't say that she was opposed to the way that Lexa was behaving right now. Since her roommate was being so genuine, Clarke decided to repay the favor. "I wanted to stay and take care of you, Lexa. We may not always get along, but I am trying. I was serious when I said that I wanted to help you, even when you are absolutely awful to me, and even though there are times when I want to strangle you, I really hope that someday, we can put our differences aside, especially since we both know what it's like to lose someone."

Clarke honestly expected Lexa to close up again at that moment, like she always did when Clarke tried to bring up anything relating to her loss. She expected Lexa's rage to come back ten-fold and for the brunette to yell at her, but she didn't. Lexa remained calm for the first time ever.

Green eyes finally wandered back up to meet blue. "Maybe I'm finally ready to let you in."

Clarke couldn't stop the surprise from playing out on her face this time. "Why? What changed?"

"Indra said something to me when she first came up to take my temperature," Lexa admitted, eyes never leaving Clarke's. "She told me that you care about me and that maybe I should just stop fighting it and let you in. And she's right. I started pushing everyone away because I had to. I couldn't stand to be around them anymore, but I don't have to push you away. You're different from the rest of them. You don't look at me like I'm a broken toy that needs to be fixed. You look at me like a person who might not be able to heal on her own. You understand what it's like to lose someone, and I think you might even understand me a little bit, so I'm going to let you in. I'm willing to give it a try now, and we'll see if it works."

Clarke never thought she would hear those words come out of Lexa's mouth. This was what she had been working towards after all, and even though she was aware that this could just be some weird after-effect of the fever, Clarke knew she needed to seize the moment while it was here. "Does that mean that we can be friends?"

Lexa contemplated this for a moment before responding. "We can be civil to one another when we talk. That's all that I can offer you right now. Take it or leave it."

Clarke nodded, allowing a smile to grace her features as she answered. "I'll take it."

* * *

When Clarke got to school, she walked through the hallways, looking for her friends. She hadn't seen them that morning at breakfast because she had tried to eat quickly to get back to Lexa, and they had come downstairs late, so she was extra eager now as she made her way over to where Octavia and Raven were standing beside Octavia's locker. Clarke planned to simply hang out there until the warning bell rang, and she was sure that's what her friends would be doing as well.

"Hey, guys," Clarke greeted as she walked up beside them.

"Hiya, Clarke," Raven chirped. "How was spending your entire day with Lexa yesterday?"

Clarke contemplated on whether or not to tell them about what had happened this morning, but it was too strange for even her to comprehend, so she left it out for the time being. Raven had only asked about yesterday after all. "Like you'd expect. She bitched at me, even though I was only trying to help her, and I just powered through it to be there for her. It wasn't too bad though because once she ate her soup, she was out like a light. Slept for the rest of the day."

"That's good. I'm really sorry that she's so horrible to you," Octavia said sympathetically.

"Remind me again why you volunteered yourself to stay with her?" Raven asked.

"Because she wanted me to," Clarke answered, "and because I actually think I can help her. I _want_ to help her. If she'll let me."

Raven snorted. "That'll be the day after never."

Clarke would've agreed with the brunette only the day before, but now, as she watched Octavia close her locker door, she wasn't so sure. Not after the way that Lexa had acted this morning.

"I don't know about that. This morning, she was acting different. Almost like a normal person. I mean, she didn't say one mean word to me, and she told me that she wanted us to start being civil towards each other. More than that, it almost seemed like she wanted to get along." The warning bell sounded overhead, and the three of them groaned as they started to walk down the hall to their first period classes.

Raven shot Clarke a skeptical look in reference to what the blonde had been saying. "Are you sure that wasn't just the fever talking?"

Clarke shook her head. "Her fever was gone, but maybe it messed with her head. I mean, it was just so bizarre, and she kept shocking me with every single word out of her mouth. I was honestly expecting her to start yelling or cussing me out at any minute, but she didn't. It was like she forgot that she hated me or something."

"That is weird," Octavia said, mulling it over for a moment. "Maybe she's just doing it to mess with your head. Maybe the next time you see her, she'll be back to her usual self."

"I don't think so. She seemed really genuine. She said that she's willing to give me a shot because I act differently around her than everyone else does. I don't look at her the same." Even though Clarke had been shocked at the brunette's behavior, she couldn't say that she didn't understand where the other girl was coming from with that statement.

"Maybe that's because you didn't know Costia," Octavia suggested.

Clarke shook her head immediately, knowing that wasn't it at all. She felt like her friends weren't taking this seriously, but it was only becoming more and more serious for Clarke. Even now, Octavia had just given a disinterested half-assed reply. Octavia and Raven didn't care about trying to understand Lexa; they only cared to ridicule her. They didn't believe that Lexa would ever get any better, and Clarke was kind of hurt by that fact because that meant that they didn't believe in the blonde. It was like Lexa was this big joke to them, and Clarke was honestly a little fed up with their lack of caring when the blonde obviously cared a lot. "It's because I understand what it's like to lose someone. I don't look at her the way that everyone else does because I know what it's like. To be pitied, and it's exactly what you don't want when you lose someone, but everything you get. I have been in her shoes, and that's why I know how to handle her."

Octavia just nodded, and Raven kept walking in pursed-lipped silence, so Clarke continued her spiel. "If she wants me to try with her, then that's what I'm going to do. How would you feel about me asking her to sit with us at lunch today?"

Raven was quick to shoot down that idea. "Oh, hell no. That would be the most awkward thing ever. Even if you could get her to stop being rude for more than two seconds, it would still be weird because we weren't even close to her before the whole Costia thing."

"Exactly. That's just what she needs. You guys don't even know her and are kind of fed up with her shit, so you'd be the least likely to pity her," Clarke turned to Octavia to gauge her reaction.

The brunette looked wary. "I don't know, Clarke. I think I have to agree with Raven on this one. It would be really weird for her to just sit and have lunch with us when we've never even liked each other."

Clarke deflated a little at both of her friends' blatant rejections, but she wasn't giving up yet. "I promise it will only be this one time, and then you never have to sit with her again if you don't like her. Please?"

Raven was already rolling her eyes, but Clarke could tell that Octavia was caving by the way that her features were softening. "Fine. She can sit with us."

Raven gave her friend a bewildered look, but Octavia ignored it, nodding to Clarke as they reached the blonde's class. As she walked inside, Clarke found herself relieved that her friends had actually agreed because she had been starting to think that they wouldn't. She knew that Raven hadn't actually voiced her own agreement, but she hadn't spoken out against it either, so Clarke supposed that it was alright for her to bring Lexa to lunch with her.

"Now, if only I can get her to come," Clarke mumbled under her breath as she sank into her seat.

* * *

Clarke had been looking for Lexa all day, but the brunette girl was nowhere to be found. She started to wonder if maybe her roommate had stayed back at the house for one last recovery day, but Lexa hadn't said anything to her about it, and honestly, that didn't sound like something the brunette would do. However, Clarke hadn't seen a single glimpse of her roommate all day, and she was tired of looking. Besides, it was lunch time already, so it was kind of too late. How was Clarke supposed to ask Lexa to eat lunch with her and her friends when she couldn't even find the other girl in the first place? She huffed in frustration, giving up on looking for Lexa and heading out to the courtyard to join her friends. It was at that exact moment that she saw a splash of familiar brunette curls out of the corner of her eye, and she noticed Lexa standing at what could only be her tall navy blue locker, retrieving her lunch. Clarke hurried over to meet her roommate before the brunette had a chance to disappear again.

"Lexa, hey," Clarke said as Lexa was closing her locker door.

Lexa turned to the blonde with a frustrated growl. "What the hell are you doing here, Clarke?"

Clarke's brows furrowed in confusion. "I thought we were being civil."

"Not at school. I don't want anyone to actually see me talking to you. Go away," Lexa snarled in that aggressive way that was so familiar to Clarke.

Clarke sighed. This was the Lexa that she was used to. For a split second, the blonde entertained the idea that Octavia might have been right this morning when she had suggested that Lexa was just playing with Clarke when she had said that she was going to let Clarke in. However, Clarke knew that what had happened this morning had been genuine. She had read it in Lexa's eyes. It made her wonder which Lexa was the real Lexa: the one that she knew so well or the one that she had talked to this morning. Something made her think that this morning was the first time that she had actually met Lexa. Or at least, that's what she was hoping. No matter what Lexa was really like, if she was serious about wanting to get better, Clarke couldn't let her off the hook this easily. "Lexa, you said that you were going to let me in, but you're not exactly doing that right now. If you are actually serious about wanting to get better, you have to stop pushing everyone away."

Lexa rolled her eyes in annoyance. "I can't, Clarke. I have been doing this for a year now. It's not something that I can stop just like that."

"You'll never know unless you try." Clarke pushed on. "You wanted me to help you get better, and I think it would be good for you to start talking to people again. You should come sit with me and my friends."

"Please no, Clarke." Some of Lexa's anger fell away. "They never even liked me when Costia was still alive. It would just be awkward for me to sit with them out of the blue like this."

Clarke sighed. "They said the same thing, but I think it would be better for you to sit with them than someone you actually know. They probably won't look at you the way that you say the other people do."

"Octavia and Raven might not, but Lincoln probably will. I know he sits with you guys as well, and I don't want to see him. I'm not ready to see him yet. Please, Clarke." The blonde marveled at the pleading tone in her roommate's voice where only seconds ago, there had been anger. She sounded like a whiny child who was begging her mother not to make her do something she didn't want to do. It was progress that Lexa wasn't yelling or snapping at Clarke, and the blonde felt like she might actually be getting somewhere with her roommate, even if the stubborn girl refused to try what Clarke had suggested.

Clarke raised an eyebrow in amusement at the brunette's tone. "You know, I can't make you do anything."

Lexa looked at the ground, toeing at it a little with her shoe. "I know. I just didn't want you to think that I was giving up on myself already." Lexa paused for a moment, clearly trying to decide whether or not she wanted to say something else. Clarke waited patiently until Lexa's eyes came back up to meet hers. "Look, since you're so adamant that we eat lunch together today, why don't you come and sit with me?"

"And where do you normally eat lunch? I'm assuming you're not talking about the courtyard since you've already made it quite clear that you don't want to be seen with me."

Lexa nodded, seemingly grateful that Clarke respected her wishes to not be seen with someone else. "I eat lunch under the bleachers by the football field."

Clarke was surprised at this information because she was pretty sure that that was where couples normally snuck off to during class. She knew that there was a chance she was wrong because she had only been at the school for two weeks, but she had already heard a few people talk about it. The thought of eating lunch there with Lexa made the heat rise to her cheeks, and she seriously hoped that she didn't blush as she tried to play it off coolly with a skeptical look. "You want me to eat lunch with you under the bleachers? Isn't that where couples normally go to make out?"

Lexa looked a little embarrassed herself. "Well, yeah, but that's during class. It's normally all clear during lunch time, and it's nice and shady, so it makes the perfect lunch spot for me."

Clarke's embarrassment faded at the sight of Lexa's, and she decided to tease the brunette, hoping to embarrass her further. "Are you sure this isn't all a ploy to get me to make out with you?"

Lexa smiled a little. "I'll try to restrain myself, Clarke."

This time, Lexa's smile did not disappear the second it formed, and it was bigger than the smile that Clarke had thought she'd seen Lexa give a week ago in the courtyard. Clarke noticed that Lexa had a beautiful smile, and the minute it was gone, Clarke realized that she was already trying to think of ways that she might be able to see it again. She brushed the thought aside, not even wanting to think about what that might mean right now. Instead, she allowed her shoulders to slump in defeat. "Fine. I'll go with you."

* * *

Once they got settled under the bleachers, Clarke and Lexa ate their respective lunches in silence, neither of them knowing what to say to the other, and Clarke found herself missing the constant chatter of her usual lunch table. Clarke did have to admit though that she enjoyed the cool breeze that came with the shade of Lexa's favorite eating spot. It was much better than the stifling heat of the courtyard. Clarke knew that she and Lexa needed to be talking if she was ever going to break through the brunette's walls, and since Lexa obviously wasn't going to take the initiative, Clarke took it upon herself to break the tension. "So why did you decide to come to this school?"

"I don't know." Lexa shrugged. "It was nice. I wanted to get away from home."

"Did you have trouble at home?"

"No. I was an only child, so it could get lonely sometimes. That's all," Lexa said, but she still sounded awkward, and Clarke knew she was going to have to try harder to break the ice.

"I didn't have much of a choice in the matter. I was drinking a lot, running with the wrong crowd, and so one day, when I got home, my mother just told me that I was going to this school, no questions asked. She thought that it was the only way to break me out of my downward spiral, and I don't know if it would have, but the mention of it certainly did. Don't get me wrong, I hated her for it at first. I went out that night and didn't come back for a week, but after that, I realized that she was only doing it because she cared about me, because she was worried about me, and I began to see that I was the one who was in the wrong. This school has been good for me. It's really nice to be around such pleasant people again who care about me."

Lexa looked up hesitantly at Clarke before speaking in a soft tone. "I'm sorry I wasn't one of those people."

"It's not too late to start now," Clarke said sincerely before moving on to the next topic, trying again to get Lexa to open up. "So tell me about when you first met Costia. Did you find her attractive right from the start?"

"Clarke, I, um…I'm not really comfortable talking about Costia," Lexa admitted, and Clarke found it to be cute the way that her roommate stumbled over her words, sounding almost shy all of the sudden. "Not yet anyway."

Clarke took this new information in stride. "Right. I'm sorry I asked."

She had sort of guessed that Lexa would not want to talk about her former girlfriend, but the blonde wanted to be sure because sometimes, talking is what helped people. She knew that it had helped her to talk to her mom about her dad. Clearly, it wasn't the same for Lexa, or perhaps she simply did not know Clarke enough to feel comfortable talking with her. Either way, the blonde filed the information away for further notice, deciding not to bring Costia up again unless Lexa did.

It was quiet for a few moments before Lexa spoke up curiously. "Do you ever talk about your dad?"

"Not usually," Clarke admitted. "My dad is a topic that I usually avoid talking about in detail, but I wouldn't mind talking about him with you."

Clarke surprised even herself when she said this, and she was even more surprised when she realized that it was true. She didn't normally talk about her dad more than to just inform people that he was dead, and she was a little shocked to find that she actually kind of wanted to tell Lexa about him. She loved her dad and wished that everyone could have had a chance to meet him, but it was normally painful for her to actually talk about him herself. She wondered what made Lexa so different.

"Okay, so, um, what was he like?" Lexa asked.

"Wonderful," Clarke said immediately. "He was the smartest man I've ever known. He worked as an engineer for Mazda and got paid good money for it too. He was always being silly, able to find humor in anything, and while he was hardworking, he still found plenty of time to spend with me and my mom. He always said that the most important thing in his life was his girls." Clarke sniffled, feeling the tears burning behind her eyes, but she refused to let them fall.

"If you don't mind my asking, what happened to him?" Lexa asked, not even reacting to Clarke's tears, but the blonde knew that she had seen them. Clarke was grateful to Lexa for not making a big deal out of the tears. The blonde may have understood what her roommate was going through, but she had forgotten that Lexa understood what Clarke was going through too. That fact made her smile a little and gave her the strength to explain what had happened to her father.

"He got sick. Cancer. They treated him for months, but it just kept spreading, and he didn't make it." Clarke only gave a brief account because it was really hard for her to talk about it, but she felt that she gave enough information to get the point across.

"I'm sorry," Lexa offered, and Clarke nodded, accepting it, before Lexa continued. "What's your favorite memory of him?"

Clarke let out a wet laugh, brightening up a bit as the memories started racing through her mind. "How can you expect me to choose just one? There are so many good ones. One time, when I was about four, I was painting on the wall, even though I knew that was wrong, and he came out of the bathroom and caught me, but the funny thing was, I didn't get in trouble. He laughed. Actually straight out laughed at me, and then he _joined_ me, painting his own picture next to mine until we just started pouring paint out of the bottles into our hands and throwing it at the wall. Let's just say my mother was not impressed when she came home from work that day. We both knew that she found it cute though after the fact because it took her two years to finally get that wall repainted. Another time, we were out to eat at Olive Garden. I had to be about twelve, and my dad's favorite Elvis song, _Love Me Tender_ , came on, and he started singing, right in the middle of the restaurant. My dad and I were like peas in a pod, so of course, I started singing too. My mom almost died of embarrassment that day, but the people in the restaurant clapped for us when the song was over. Then of course, there were all the trips we would take up to Montauk Beach, just him and me. That was our special place. Like I said before, too many memories."

There was a comfortable silence for a few moments before Lexa nodded and started speaking again. "It's nice that you can talk about your dad now. You looked really happy when you talked about him just then. The happiest I've ever seen you, actually. I don't know how to describe it, but your eyes really lit up."

"It's nice to remember him like that," Clarke said warmly. Talking about her dad had brought her even more relief than she had already been feeling from simply being at this school, she realized. She knew that she could've talked about him with anyone here, but it just hadn't felt right. It wouldn't be helpful for her to talk to just any person. She had to be talking to the right person, and Lexa was the perfect candidate, given that she understood, and she was a good listener, listening because she was curious and not just because she felt obligated to. Clarke realized that by talking about her dad just now, she had probably really helped Lexa as well. Seeing that Clarke had indeed gotten much better served to inspire the belief in Lexa that she could get to that point someday too.

"Do you think I'll ever be able to talk about Costia like that?" Lexa asked, like she had been reading Clarke's mind.

Clarke nodded, smiling warmly at her roommate. "You'll get there. I promise."


	7. Chapter 7

As Clarke walked down the hallway after lunch, she felt freer somehow. Her talk with Lexa had been good for her because she had been able to talk to someone about her dad who understood what it was like to lose someone, and it was nice to talk about him with someone new. Also, she felt as if she was finally making progress with Lexa, a feat which only yesterday seemed impossible. The brunette had acted completely different during lunch, and Clarke found that she actually enjoyed Lexa's company when the brunette wasn't yelling at her or behaving in some other hostile manner.

Upon arrival in her chemistry class, the only class she shared with both Octavia and Raven, she brushed past the desks to join her friends in the back. When they saw her, two curious gazes turned in her direction, and she knew exactly what they were going to ask and that they weren't going to like the answer. Raven didn't even wait a second, asking her question the minute the blonde sat down. "Where were you at lunch today? I thought you were bringing the broody bitch."

Clarke found her nose scrunching up in distaste at Raven's choice of nickname. She wished that her friends would stop hating Lexa so much, but then again, she supposed that they hadn't seen the Lexa that she had just seen today. "I tried to get her to come, but she wouldn't, so I ate lunch with her instead. The thing is, though, that once we sat down, she was actually really nice to me. It was like I was talking to a completely different person, and I think I might be able to help her act like that with all of you as well, so will you please stop calling her a bitch?"

"Are you, like, becoming friends with her or something?" Raven asked.

"That is the plan, yes," Clarke responded.

"Gross." Raven curled her lip in disgust.

Clarke sighed in exasperation. "What did she ever do to make you hate her so much?"

Raven gave Clarke an incredulous look. "Have you seen her? She mopes around all the time like she's got it so bad just because she lost her stupid girlfriend. She is rude as can be to anyone who tries to talk to her—"

"You're still mad because of what she did last year," Octavia cut her off with amusement shining in her eyes.

"What did she do last year?" Clarke asked warily, not sure that she really wanted to know.

Raven growled in frustration, but she told the story anyway. "It was a few weeks after Costia died, and I was just trying to be nice and help Anya and Emori because they were upset. They asked me to go in and check up on Lexa because she wouldn't even look at them, but when I went in there, she was extremely rude. Maybe I wasn't the nicest person ever, but she punched me in the face."

Clarke couldn't stop the shock from playing out on her face at that news. She knew that Lexa was horrible to people, but she never thought that the brunette would ever actually hurt anyone. Even when Clarke had hated Lexa's guts, she had never been afraid of the brunette. "She hit you?"

Raven nodded. "I was the first person she ever hit."

Clarke's stomach dropped, wondering exactly how many people her roommate had actually hit before now. Octavia must have noticed the look on Clarke's face because she was quick to reassure the blonde. "Raven was the first and the last. Bellamy was super mad when he found out what had happened, and although Lexa pretended his threats didn't scare her, she never hit anyone again after that."

Clarke gave Octavia a curious glance, wondering why Bellamy got so upset over the incident. It wasn't like it was Octavia that Lexa had hit. Clarke had suspected that there might be something going on between Bellamy and Raven several times, but it was never glaringly obvious, so Clarke had just assumed that she might simply be seeing more than was actually there. However, now she wasn't so sure, so she decided to tease her friend a little to test the waters. "So, Bellamy was your knight in shining armor, eh, Rae? Seems like he's got a little thing for you."

"I don't think so. Everyone knows that he likes Echo from Azgeda House." Clarke thought that she could detect a hint of glumness in the brunette's tone when she said that, and the blonde stopped her teasing. She had forgotten all about this Echo girl, but she now distinctly remembered Emori mentioning yesterday that Bellamy played for Echo's team in kickball. Clarke wanted to press farther because she could tell that Raven liked him, but she had never seen him around this Echo girl and therefore could make no assumptions about his relationship with her, or lack thereof.

"Anyways," Octavia continued their previous conversation, "if you say that Lexa's coming around, then I believe you. It's hard for me to imagine her being anything but horrible, but if anyone can help her, it's you."

Clarke couldn't stop her surprise from playing out on her face. That was honestly the last thing that she had expected Octavia to say. "You do?"

"Yeah." Octavia nodded. "If helping Lexa is really that important to you, I'm not going to criticize you for it. You do what you want to, and I hope you get the results that you're striving for."

A smile spread across Clarke's face at Octavia's words. Raven didn't look so sure, but at least one of her friends seemed to be warming up to the idea of her not hating Lexa anymore. "Thanks, O. That means a lot to me."

"I guess you can do whatever you want with Lexa, as long as you keep her away from me." Raven shrugged, and Clarke nodded in appreciation, knowing that was as good as she was going to get from the other girl.

"I'll try my best," Clarke said with a smile, and she was just about to say more when she was interrupted by the voice of her chemistry teacher, causing her to jump in her seat and forget what she had been about to say.

"Ms. Griffin, is there something you would like to share with the class?" Mrs. Dowling asked with a pointed look.

"No, ma'am," Clarke stuttered, face flushing with embarrassment.

"Then, I suggest you keep your mouth closed," the teacher said in an irritated tone before going back to the lesson.

Clarke caught sight of Raven snickering out of the corner of her eye and Octavia looking relieved that it wasn't she who had gotten called out. Clarke honestly had not even noticed that class had started because she had been so caught up in her conversation with her friends. She supposed that at some point, they had switched from talking to whispering, and that should have clued her in, but she almost hadn't even noticed it.

She brushed off her embarrassment because she didn't really care too much about the class. Raven was so good at chemistry that she could help Clarke whenever she needed it and explain things faster than the teacher would, so Clarke knew that she didn't need to pay attention. However, she did feel kind of bad for disrupting the class, so she tried her best to stay quiet and take notes.

* * *

The next day, Clarke was trying to come up with intelligent responses to her homework questions for literature class when Lexa returned to the room from her shower, toweling her hair off before dropping the pink towel into her laundry basket. Clarke found that she couldn't tear her gaze away, as she had previously planned to, and so she watched quietly as Lexa settled onto her bed, pulling out her laptop and opening it up before raising her head to look directly at Clarke with a slightly annoyed expression. "What?"

The blonde immediately looked away, hoping that she didn't blush at being caught staring. "What do you mean?"

Lexa raised an eyebrow. "I mean that you were staring at me. What do you want?"

Clarke scrambled to come up with a bullshit excuse. She looked down at the worksheet on her computer, eyes locking onto her teacher's name. "I was just wondering if you had Mrs. Tawney for literature."

Lexa nodded. "I do. And?"

Clarke tried not to let her eyes widen, wishing that Lexa would stop with the questions before Clarke dug herself into a deep hole that she could not get out of. "Have you done the homework yet?"

"I was just about to start it now." The brunette gestured to her laptop.

Clarke knew that this provided her with an out to the conversation, but she suddenly didn't want to stop talking to Lexa. "Do you want to work on it together?"

Lexa paused to consider this, and Clarke hoped that the other girl would say yes. The blonde wanted this excuse to spend time with her roommate, but she also needed help with the assignment. Even though the book that they were reading was actually pretty good, literature and writing essays had never been Clarke's strong suit.

"Yeah. I guess we can," Lexa finally said.

"Great." Clarke grabbed her laptop and moved across the room, climbing onto Lexa's bed to sit beside her.

"What the hell are you doing?" Lexa snarled, the familiar hostility springing up in her eyes.

Clarke's lips turned down in a confused frown. "I thought we were working together."

"Yes, and if I had known that you would take that as an invitation to come and invade my personal space, then I wouldn't have agreed," Lexa growled. "Get off my bed."

Clarke then realized that she had made her roommate uncomfortable, and she scolded herself for not thinking of this possibility beforehand. She had to admit though that it was sort of funny the way that Lexa had completely tensed up the minute that Clarke had climbed onto the bed. The blonde had never been one to have a problem with personal space, even after her dad's death. Then again, she didn't care about much of anything after her dad's death and was probably too drunk to notice anyway.

Although Lexa's reaction was amusing, Clarke knew better than to laugh or even smile for that matter because she could tell that her roommate was practically seething. She quickly got off of the bed, moving to sit in the chair at Lexa's vanity instead. "Better?"

Lexa instantly relaxed, and her tone sounded much less hostile than it had only moments ago. "Much."

"Okay, so the first question." Clarke began to read off of her computer. "How does the novel reflect oppression so far?"

"That's obviously shown in the way that the red-blooded people are treated by the people with the silver blood. The reds are forced to live in certain areas of town, the poor sectors, and they aren't allowed to have high-paying jobs. They fight for survival every day, while the silvers live comfortable and wealthy lives. If reds haven't been recruited for a job by the age of eighteen, they are sent to fight in the war, which shows the way that the silver people don't value red lives. The silvers think that they are better than the reds because they have magical powers that reds don't have, and this power goes to their heads, causing them to be cruel to red-blooded people and treat them like slaves."

"Of course." Clarke nodded, typing out a few ideas as she listened to Lexa's onslaught of information before looking to the next question. "Next one. What argument might the author be trying to make? That we're all equal, right? But these people aren't equal. Some have powers, and some don't."

"Yes, but think about it. The author isn't arguing that some people have magical powers, but that some group of people have power over some others, namely the majority. Discrimination is still very much at large in the world today, and this is what the author is trying to demonstrate, that the minorities are like the reds while the majority is like the silvers. The majority has all the power, and they don't really care so much about the people who aren't like them. This is why it's so important that the main character realizes that she has powers too, despite the fact that she has red blood. It shows people that just because a group is a majority doesn't mean that minorities have no power at all. The novel teaches the lesson that minorities should not stand for being denied privileges due to their race or sexuality or whatever, and the majorities better realize this before they have a revolution on their hands, which I'm guessing will be the end of the novel."

Clarke was amazed that all of this information was just rolling off the tip of Lexa's tongue when she knew that she herself would have to sit and think about it for a while to come up with that good of an answer, if she even could at all. She tried her best to keep up with everything Lexa was saying, and she thought she had the gist of it typed out when the brunette was done. "You're really good at this, you know?"

Lexa shrugged. "I guess so. I just really like reading that's all, and dystopia just so happens to be my favorite genre."

"I do have to admit that this book is good because normally the books we have to read for school are incredibly boring," Clarke said.

Lexa nodded in agreement. "That's because this book was just published last year and not in 1890."

Clarke chuckled a little at Lexa's statement because it was true. Her smile quickly faded though when she realized that she wasn't really contributing much of her own content to this homework, or any at all for that matter. "I kind of feel bad that you're basically just giving me all the answers to these homework questions. I mean, I'm supposed to be helping you."

"You're supposed to be helping me get over Costia, not with my homework. I have been feeling better lately, so this is my way of repaying the favor." Clarke shot her an incredulous look, knowing that Lexa wasn't one to feel like she owed anyone anything, and the blonde wondered what had changed.

"I'm just kidding," Lexa said in response to Clarke's look. "Repayment's not really my thing. I'll be expecting some help with my math homework later."

Clarke simply smiled and shook her head. This sounded more like the Lexa that she knew, and of course she didn't mind helping the brunette out. "I suppose I can do that."

* * *

On Monday, Clarke didn't even bother going out to the courtyard to sit with her friends, and nor did she try to catch Lexa at her locker. She simply headed out to the football field where she found Lexa already sitting under the bleachers. She hoped that Lexa wouldn't be opposed to Clarke sitting with her again since they hadn't really talked about it, but when the brunette nodded to Clarke in greeting, she was glad to see the absence of the anger that Lexa's eyes used to hold when looking upon her. Clarke sat down beside Lexa, sitting close, but not close enough to touch, not wanting to invade Lexa's personal space again.

Clarke turned to her roommate, hoping that perhaps Lexa might be more willing to take her up on her offer today, now that they were kind of friends. "Are you sure you don't want to sit with me and my friends?"

"Not yet," Lexa responded, and Clarke smiled at the fact that Lexa's eyes seemed to have an almost apologetic look in them, but even more so, that Lexa's answer indicated that she actually intended to accompany Clarke to sit with her friends one day. Clarke knew that Lexa hadn't given that answer by mistake, and she was a little surprised after her roommate had responded with a definitive no last time.

"Ok." Clarke nodded in response, not pressuring Lexa any further. "Not yet."

Silence enveloped the space underneath the bleachers, and Clarke supposed that she could start a conversation again, like she had done the week before. She decided against it though, remaining quiet and hoping that Lexa might initiate the conversation this time. Clarke simply looked out at the field, watching the clouds move slowly across the sky above it as she waited for her roommate to say something. After a few minutes had gone by, Clarke had begun to think that the two of them might just be eating their meals in silence today when Lexa finally spoke up. "So, what are we talking about today?"

"There's no set topic, LW. Anything you want," Clarke replied calmly.

Lexa scrunched up her nose at the nickname. "LW?"

Clarke mentally slapped herself for letting that slip, hoping that she hadn't upset the brunette again. "Yeah. LW. Your initials. I'm sorry. I won't call you by a nickname if you don't want me to."

"No, it's fine, roomie. Call me whatever you want." Lexa shrugged, and Clarke couldn't believe her ears. The Lexa that she was familiar with would've hated the nickname, and Clarke supposed that the brunette probably wasn't particularly fond of it, but the fact that she was willing to allow it showed that she was actually trying with the blonde.

"Anyways, I was hoping that you would talk to me today since I talked to you about my dad last week." Clarke brought the conversation back to their original topic.

"I can do that." Lexa nodded, almost as if to reassure herself, and Clarke noticed that the brunette suddenly sounded rather nervous. "So, um, what do you want to know?"

Clarke tried to keep her tone gentle and light, choosing an easy topic. "What was your childhood like?"

"It was okay, I guess. There's not really much to tell about me, Clarke." The blonde could tell that Lexa was uncomfortable, but she remained silent, hoping that once Lexa started talking, having a conversation would be easier. "My childhood was kind of boring because I was an only child. My parents tried to make up for it by spending lots of time with me, but I always wanted a sibling."

Clarke understood that, having wished for a sibling on many occasions when she was younger. She was happy how she was though. Her parents were more than enough for her, and she wondered why Lexa's might not have been. Then again, Clarke had always had quite the group of friends when she was younger. Maybe Lexa didn't. "I always wanted a sibling too, but didn't you have friends you could play with?"

Lexa gave a disinterested shrug, giving Clarke the impression that the brunette's friends were not all that important to her. "One. Luna was my best friend all my life. I wasn't really close to anyone other than her."

"So why didn't she come to boarding school with you?" Clarke asked, her curiosity creeping into her tone.

"She didn't want to go. At first, I was kind of upset by that information, but I got over it once I got here. She's the reason I came here in the first place though. Her parents had always planned to send her here, so she could get a good education, and that's where I first heard of it. Once I researched it a bit more, I decided that this was where I wanted to go. Luna decided to stay home because she didn't want to leave her family, but by that time, I had already fallen in love with the place, so I came here anyway," Lexa explained.

"I can see why you loved it so much because it is a pretty great school," Clarke admitted. "I didn't do much research on it because I didn't have a choice. I guess I just came here with no idea of what it would be like, so I'm really happy that it's even better than I thought it would be."

"Even though I was an ass?" Lexa teased with the ghost of a smile on her lips.

Clarke nodded, smiling herself. "Even though you were an ass."

"I remember when I first got here too, and I loved it. There were so many nice people, and I made more friends than I'd ever had in my life. I think I was closer to Anya than I ever was to Luna, and Costia was…she was," Lexa swallowed thickly, breaking off her speech as tears began to form in her eyes at the memory of her former girlfriend. "I'm sorry."

Lexa hung her head, avoiding Clarke's gaze, like she thought Clarke would be disappointed or something. The blonde then realized that she might have made it seem like she expected Lexa to talk about Costia when she had asked Lexa to talk about herself earlier, and she suddenly wanted nothing more than to assure the brunette that that wasn't it at all. Of course, she didn't expect her roommate to talk about Costia until she was ready to, and that clearly was not now.

Clarke reached out, gently cupping Lexa's chin to guide green eyes up to meet hers. However, the moment the blonde touched her, Lexa flinched, scrambling out of her roommate's grasp.

"I'm sorry." Clarke held up her hands in surrender, internally cursing herself. She had meant to comfort the other girl, not upset her further. "I forgot. No touching."

Lexa relaxed at the gentle tone of Clarke's voice, and she scooted closer again, an almost sheepish look on her face. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak out like that. Maybe I should get more comfortable with touch if I'm going to get better."

Clarke liked the reminder that Lexa actually wanted to get better because that meant that Clarke was doing something right. It might even mean that her roommate liked spending time with her. She agreed with the other girl that getting more comfortable with touch would be good for her, but she also didn't want to push Lexa to do something that she might not be ready for. "I don't want you to do anything that you're not comfortable with."

"But I want to be comfortable with it," Lexa protested. She grabbed Clarke's hand in her own, bringing it to gently rest upon her shoulder before removing her own hand. The blonde was careful not to move, keeping her hand still on Lexa's shoulder and wondering what exactly the brunette was hoping to accomplish with this. Lexa looked at Clarke with a satisfied smile. "You're touching me now."

"And it's not bothering you that I'm in your personal space?" Clarke teased.

"No, Clarke." Lexa's smile grew wider. "It's not bothering me this time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed the new chapter! Kudos to anyone who knows the book that Clarke and Lexa were talking about ;)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys get a bit of a longer chapter today, and hopefully a good one. This has been one of my favorite chapters to write so far, so I hope that you all enjoy reading it! Thank you to everyone who has left kudos and comments on this story so far! I really enjoy talking to you guys and hearing what all of you think. You guys are awesome! <3

Clarke continued to sit with Lexa at lunch all throughout the week, and while Lexa still wouldn't talk about Costia, the blonde learned about all things Lexa. She learned about Lexa's favorite books to read and movies to watch and the kinds of music that Lexa liked to listen to. Lexa also admitted, somewhat reluctantly, that she loved flowers, and Clarke couldn't help but find that cute. She made a mental to note to get flowers for her roommate sometime, if only for the chance to see her smile.

Now, it was Friday, and Clarke was just grabbing her lunch from her locker, ready to go meet up with Lexa at their usual spot. When she turned around, she was met with the sight of a wild brunette racing towards her. She tilted her head to the side in confusion, wondering what on earth could have possibly gotten the other girl so worked up. There was obviously something urgent going on if Lexa had to hurry over and tell her now rather than waiting for her to show up under the bleachers.

"Lexa?" Clarke asked questioningly when the brunette stopped in front of her.

Lexa just grabbed Clarke's hand and spoke quickly. "There's a couple headed over to our spot. We have to get there first."

Clarke was being yanked through the crowd of students towards the exit of the building before she even had a chance to respond and before Lexa had even stopped speaking, for that matter. They burst through the doors, and Clarke sprinted to keep up with Lexa as they ran through the grass towards their usual eating spot. She found that she was a little afraid that Lexa was going to pull her arm out of its socket, what with the death grip that she was holding it in.

When the two girls reached the bleachers, they were disappointed to find that the couple was already there. Clarke had to admit that she had grown accustomed to the spot. She definitely appreciated the coolness of the area, and she had actually grown to like that it was so secluded. However, now it seemed as if they would need to find somewhere else to eat. "What do we do now?"

Lexa thought about it for a moment, and Clarke could see a bit of anger spark in Lexa's eyes, but it was gone almost as soon as it arose. Clarke could see Lexa visibly taking deep breaths to calm down so that she would not do something rash, and the blonde couldn't help but feel proud of her roommate for not simply going over there and yelling at them to get out, as she was sure the brunette would have probably done a week ago. Now, Lexa just turned to Clarke with a shrug.

"Maybe if we go and sit down, then they'll leave," she suggested calmly.

Clarke shook her head. "Nah. That would be rude. They were here first." She paused for a moment, trying to think of a way to help Lexa see the situation from the perspective of the couple. "It's not like they know that we sit here every day, so they're not doing it on purpose. Besides, if it were you and me, would you really want someone to disturb us?"

The words escaped Clarke's mouth before she could stop them, and she blushed what she was sure was a deep shade of scarlet when she realized what she had said. She didn't know what had possessed her to say such a thing, but she kept her eyes trained firmly on the ground in front of her, not wanting to see the look on Lexa's face because she knew that it would most likely not be a pleasant one. She only hoped that she had not scared Lexa off by suggesting such a thing.

Clarke's shoulders sagged in relief when Lexa responded calmly, almost as if she didn't notice that anything was amiss. "I guess not. I sure as hell would have been mad if someone did that to me and Costia."

"And that's why we shouldn't do it to them. That place isn't ours. Lots of people go there, and they were here first, so we have to find somewhere else to sit today," Clarke continued on coolly, grateful that Lexa had let her awkward words slide.

"Now, what's this I heard about you and me being a couple?" Lexa's eyes twinkled in amusement.

In that moment, Clarke wished that the earth would just open up and swallow her whole. It seemed that she may have expressed her relief a bit prematurely. "I was just using it as an example." Clarke couldn't help but avert her eyes again, not sure if she could even explain why that had been the first example to come to her mind, when Lexa and Costia would have been the all too obvious one. Then again, she had vowed to herself never to bring Costia up, unless Lexa mentioned her first.

Lexa allowed Clarke to have a moment of panic and near-hyperventilation before reassuring her. "I know, roomie. Relax. I was only teasing you."

Clarke hoped that her face was not too flushed as she tried to calm herself down, resisting the urge to elbow Lexa in the ribs. "Right. So, um, where do you want to sit?"

"Go sit with your friends," Lexa told her. "I'll be alright."

"Why don't you come sit with us as well?" Clarke looked at Lexa with hopeful eyes, not wanting to miss out on her time with the brunette.

"Clarke," Lexa warned.

The blonde found herself pouting a little at the fact that Lexa was probably going to refuse. "Please, Lexa. Lunch won't be the same without you."

Lexa quickly shook her head. "No, Clarke. Your friends hate me."

Clarke realized in that moment how much she needed this time with Lexa in the middle of the school day. She knew that she would see her roommate when she got back to the house, but there was something almost painful about not having lunch with the brunette after having done so all week. Clarke had come to think of it as their special time, and Lexa always seemed to be in a better mood under the bleachers than she was at the house. The blonde could not imagine going back to sitting with her friends today, sure that she would feel Lexa's absence like a black hole, so she dared to ask the brunette a dangerous question. "For me?"

Lexa looked at her for a moment with a scowl on her face, and the hope trickled out of Clarke's blue eyes when she realized that the brunette was going to say no. She had hoped that Lexa might do this for her because they were definitely friends now. Clarke felt closer to Lexa than she'd ever felt to anyone in her life, save her parents, and she knew it was crazy since she had only known the girl for a few weeks, but she was sure that if Lexa had asked the blonde to do something for her, there would have been no question as to whether Clarke would have done it. It kind of hurt that Lexa was not willing to do the same.

The blonde's shoulders sagged in defeat, and she was just about to turn around and head to the courtyard when the scowl dropped from Lexa's face. "Fine. I'll come with you."

Clarke looked at her in slight disbelief. "Really?"

Lexa looked hesitant, like she just wanted to run away and hide and forget that she had ever said such a thing, but she didn't. Instead, she just swallowed thickly and nodded. Clarke had to stop herself from squealing in delight as the two of them headed towards the courtyard. She was extremely happy that Lexa had finally agreed to go to lunch with her because she knew that it would be good for Lexa to talk to people other than Clarke, no matter how much the two girls were beginning to enjoy each other's company.

When Lexa laid her eyes on the table where Clarke's friends were sitting, she stopped in her tracks, and Clarke looked over at her curiously. Feeling Clarke's eyes upon her, Lexa quickly schooled her features, but not before Clarke had noticed what Lexa was trying so hard to hide. She was afraid. Clarke instantly felt bad for talking her roommate into doing this because it was obviously making her extremely uncomfortable. Clarke had never recalled seeing her roommate look scared, but she reminded herself that it would be good for Lexa to get out of her comfort zone, especially if Clarke could show her that it wasn't so bad after all. Clarke reached for her roommate's hand and squeezed it gently, causing Lexa's green eyes to lock onto hers.

"Lexa, don't be afraid," Clarke said softly. "You'll be fine."

"This is a bad idea, Clarke." Lexa allowed the distress to creep back into her eyes, now that she knew that Clarke had seen it. "They all hate me, and they won't want me there."

"I don't care what they want, LW. I want you there," Clarke said sincerely, never breaking her gaze from Lexa's. "You'll be there for me."

Lexa nodded, and she began to follow Clarke towards the table, walking behind the blonde almost as if she was expecting Clarke to shield her from some imaginary danger. Clarke smiled a little to herself, leading Lexa over to the table and plopping down on a bench that was conveniently unoccupied since Octavia and Raven had decided to share the one on the other side of the table. Lexa stood behind the her, looking unsure, but Clarke pulled the brunette down next to her and turned to her friends.

Octavia smiled brightly at the blonde. "Look who finally decided to show up for lunch."

"And look at the garbage she brought with her," Raven said, shooting Lexa a disgusted look.

"Raven!" Clarke hissed angrily. "Be nice. If she was garbage, then I wouldn't have brought her here. I just want her to be able to spend time with people again because she's been doing so much better lately. She's a lot different than the girl that you think she is, so please just give her a chance."

The blonde had thought she could detect tiny unshed tears in Lexa's eyes after what Raven had said, but now that Clarke had defended her, Lexa was wearing a tiny smile. When Raven neglected to say anything in response to Clarke's stern words, the blonde cleared her throat, sending a glare in her friend's direction.

"Fine. Sorry," Raven muttered.

Clarke could tell that the other girl wasn't really sorry at all, but she hoped that Raven would at least try to be nice to Lexa. It had taken a lot for Clarke to get her roommate to even come here today, and she really didn't want her friends to ruin it. Clarke was really glad that Lincoln was there because he quickly took the initiative to make friendly conversation with Lexa. "It's nice to see you eating lunch with people again. I feel like I haven't seen you in a long time. How are you doing?"

"Not great," Lexa admitted, "but I'm trying."

"I'm glad you're letting Clarke in. It's really good to see you socializing with people again, and I'm kind of happy that you actually want to get better now. Clarke must be magical or something." Lincoln chuckled a little before continuing. "If Clarke being absent from our lunch table every day this past week says anything, then I'd say that she's taken quite a liking to you."

Lexa simply dipped her head, and then the table devolved into an awkward silence. Lincoln was the only one who had really known Lexa before, so he was the only one who was really comfortable talking to her. No one else really knew what to say, and Clarke realized that her friends had been right. It was weird for Lexa to be sitting at their table. Clarke sighed, about to try and make random conversation when Lexa surprised her by speaking up. "Octavia, Clarke tells me that you're really into the kickball tournaments this semester. You really think that Arkadia can win?"

"I really hope so. We're all taking the mini tournaments really seriously so that we can practice, and we're getting better than we were. I just really want to win one time." Octavia sighed, pausing a moment before continuing. "I remember when you played with us freshman year, and you were great. Probably our best player. You should come out and join us next time. We could really use the help."

A soft smile spread across Lexa's face. "I'll think about it."

Clarke nodded gratefully to Octavia. The brunette had somehow known exactly what to say, and Clarke was happy that Octavia was at least trying to be nice to Lexa, even though it couldn't be easy for her. However, Clarke knew that Octavia respected her wishes, and she was touched that her friend would give Lexa a chance just because Clarke had asked her to.

"Raven, I hear you're really into chemistry," Lexa remarked, and Clarke winced, wishing that her roommate wouldn't try to communicate with Raven. It was probably better if they just left Raven alone for now.

"Eh, it's alright, I guess." Raven just shrugged, and Lexa immediately averted her gaze.

Clarke glared at Raven, but the brunette just rolled her eyes. It seemed that she wasn't going to give Lexa a chance as easily as Octavia had. She seemed to be intent on hurting Lexa's feelings as much as she could. Clarke could tell that Raven was succeeding, and the blonde wondered when she had gotten so good at reading Lexa because she was sure that to everyone else at the table, her roommate probably just looked annoyed.

In the time she had spent with Lexa, Clarke had been slowly realizing that despite Lexa's prickly and tough demeanor, the brunette was pretty sensitive. Maybe even more sensitive than Clarke herself. When Clarke had first gotten to this school, Lexa's callous attitude had led her to believe that the brunette did not have very many feelings at all, but now she knew that her roommate felt things more deeply than Clarke could have ever imagined, and she suspected that this fact also played a role in Lexa's inability to get over Costia.

Clarke wanted to wrap her arms around her roommate in a comforting gesture, but she didn't because she didn't want to embarrass the brunette, and she was afraid that it would only infuriate the other girl. Instead, she turned her attention back to Raven, practically seething at the unfair way that she was treating Lexa. "Raven, seriously, cut it out. If you're going to keep acting like a jerk, then you can leave."

"I'm acting like a jerk? What about the way that she's been acting for the past year? I'm just supposed to excuse that now because she's your new BFF? Well, I'm sorry, but that's not how it works, Clarke." Raven's eyes sparked with fury, and she didn't stop there. "I don't think that I'm the one who should have to leave the table. I'm not the one who came here uninvited. She's the one who everyone is hoping will leave."

Seeing Raven so furious would normally cause Clarke to back down, but not this time. The brunette's anger only sparked the same feeling in Clarke because Raven's actions were uncalled for. All Clarke was asking was for the other girl to be nice to her roommate for less than thirty minutes, and Clarke was slightly hurt that her supposed friend wouldn't even give her that. Clarke tried to swallow down her anger, but when she looked at Lexa and saw the concealed hurt in green eyes, Clarke couldn't help but let her friend have it. "Oh, really? Because you're the only one who seems to have a problem with her. I don't see the other three acting like complete fools."

"Okay, Clarke. Stop attacking her. I don't want Lexa here either." Bellamy spoke up for the first time, and Clarke felt a little betrayed, although not at all surprised. "And don't act like she doesn't deserve the kind of treatment we're giving her. She's not a saint. She's a fucking bitch, and we shouldn't be forced to be nice to her after she has been nothing but rude to everyone for the past year. If you want to be all buddy-buddy with her, fine, but please just keep her away from us."

Clarke could see the anger growing in Lexa's eyes as Bellamy talked, and she knew that the brunette had moved past hurt and was heading towards explosion. Clarke sighed, knowing what was going to happen next, but she didn't try to stop her roommate, knowing that her friends deserved whatever Lexa was about to give them.

Lexa angrily stood from the table. "You want me to leave? Fine! I never even wanted to come over here anyway. Clarke told me that you guys were cool, but she was clearly wrong. You guys are fucking dumbasses!"

"Lexa." Clarke grabbed the brunette's wrist before she could get away.

Lexa visibly flinched at the contact, and Clarke felt a twinge of anger towards her friends. Lexa hadn't flinched away at Clarke's touch since Monday, and she knew it was the fault of her friends for upsetting Lexa now. Clarke looked up at her roommate, noticing that while her face was set in anger, there was a pleading look in her eyes. Clarke got the message, releasing Lexa's wrist and watching as Lexa hurried away and disappeared from view.

"Good riddance," Raven grumbled.

Clarke whipped her head around so fast that it probably should have snapped off, and she gave Raven a seething glare. "She was right. You guys _are_ fucking dumbasses, and I can't believe I didn't see that before. She was doing nothing but trying with you guys today, because _I_ asked her to, and you treated her like crap. She's never going to trust me again."

Bellamy scoffed. "Oh yeah, right, Clarke. Like she's been treating us any differently? Why should you expect us to be nice to her?"

"She lost someone, Bellamy," Clarke yelled, and she was aware that people were starting to glance in her direction, but she didn't care. "I know what that's like. She needs time to heal, and she needs for people to give her a second chance. She's changing now, I promise, and you need to give her a chance to start over."

"She didn't look she had changed when she was yelling at us and calling us dumbasses," Raven grumbled under her breath, and Clarke could not believe how stubborn the other girl was being. It was like she wasn't listening to a single word that came out of the blonde's mouth.

"She was hurt. She'd never let you see it, but she's a lot more sensitive than she lets on, and she feels more deeply than anyone I've ever met. Sure, she did some things in the recent past that were not things to be proud of, but you guys weren't acting any differently just now than she has been for the past year. I've finally gotten her to listen to reason and actually want to heal, and then when I bring her to talk nicely to people again for the first time in a year, you treat her like shit and tell her she's garbage. If you guys are going to continue to act like complete assholes, then you're no friends of mine." Clarke pushed up from the table, intent to walk away, but the absolute fury that she was feeling right now drove her to say one final thing. "I thought Lexa was the only mean one when I first got here, but I was wrong. You two are worse than she ever was, and I hope you're happy with what you did today." Clarke spun on her heel.

"Clarke, wait," she heard Raven say behind her.

But she did not wait. She did not even look back once as she stormed away from the table in search of Lexa, hoping that she would be able to make things right again.

* * *

Clarke found Lexa in the first place that she checked: at their usual spot under the bleachers. It seemed that the couple had left sometime while Clarke and Lexa were in the courtyard because there was no one else there as Clarke entered the shade-filled space, save for the brunette girl who was crying in the corner.

"Go away." Lexa didn't even bother to lift her head from the knees that were being held to her chest.

Clarke wasn't fazed though, not wanting to leave the other girl after what she had just put her through. "Come on, Lexa. You were right, okay? They're dumbasses, and I shouldn't have forced you to come with me like that."

"No," Lexa sniffled, bringing her eyes up to meet Clarke's. "They were right. I'm worthless, and I don't deserve to be friends with you. I don't even belong here anymore, but Clarke, you do. You deserve to sit out in the courtyard and eat lunch with your friends, and you deserve to be friends with people who are normal members of society. You shouldn't have to hide away under the bleachers and be constantly disappointed by the way that I'll probably never live up to your expectations, so please stop wasting your time on me, and just go away."

Clarke sighed. "You don't mean that, Lexa. I'm not wasting my time if I genuinely want to be here with you. I _want_ to be your friend, and maybe that entire spiel would have worked on me before, but not now. Because now, I know you, and I know that you don't want me to go away. You wanted me to find you, otherwise you wouldn't have to come to the first place that I would think to look."

"Clarke, please stop trying with me, and just leave me alone. You shouldn't have to put up with me," Lexa said miserably. "I'm garbage."

Clarke's heart shattered when she heard that. This was all her fault. She was supposed to be helping Lexa, and instead, she had let her lowlife friends convince the poor girl that she was worthless. Clarke felt bad because when she had first gotten to this school, she probably would have agreed. Then again, she hadn't known the whole story. Raven and Bellamy did, and they still chose to be cruel to Lexa, even when they both knew very well that she was trying to change and that she was important to Clarke.

The blonde placed a comforting hand on Lexa's knee, squeezing gently before letting go, and she was pleased that her roommate didn't show any signs of discomfort. "Lexa, you are not garbage. Anyone who's willing to call someone else garbage is the true garbage. If you ever think you're worthless, you are worth something to me, and if you think that you are disappointing me, Lexa, then you're wrong. You haven't disappointed me a single time since I got here because I have no expectations of you. I like you just the way you are, and I wouldn't change a thing. You're my best friend, LW."

Lexa looked up at Clarke with wide eyes. "But what about Octavia and Raven?"

"Raven has just shown me that she is not a good friend in general, and while Octavia was really nice at lunch time and actually is a good friend, she's not like you. I mean, I know we have our differences, but you understand, you know? And you're easy to talk to," Clarke said sincerely.

"You were right," Lexa murmured quietly. When she was met by a confused frown from Clarke, she decided to elaborate. "I came here because I did want you to find me."

Clarke caught the slight tremble of the brunette's bottom lip, and she extended her arms to her roommate with a sad smile. "Come here, Lexa. Sometimes, it's best to just let it all out."

"I can't." Lexa shook her head from side to side, blinking back tears. "I don't cry in front of people.

Clarke didn't move, keeping her arms open. "You can cry in front of me. Everyone cries, Lex, and I don't want you to be afraid to open up to me. I can take anything you've got."

Lexa nodded slowly before allowing herself to fall into Clarke's arms, melting into the blonde's embrace as she let her tears loose. Clarke wrapped her arms protectively around her roommate as the brunette cried softly into her chest. Clarke whispered soothing words into Lexa's ear as she ran her fingers through her roommate's long brunette curls, and she wished that there was something more that she could do for the broken girl in her arms. She wished that she could simply take the other girl's pain away, but she knew from experience that the only thing that she could do for the brunette right now was hold her.

After a few minutes, Lexa's crying turned into occasional sniffles, and Clarke placed a gentle kiss to her roommate's forehead, knowing that the brunette was through the worst of it. Lexa looked up at her curiously after the contact, and the blonde wondered if perhaps she shouldn't have done that. When Lexa's eyes met hers though, Clarke was surprised by the intensity that she found in the deep green gaze. She didn't miss it when Lexa's eyes dipped down to her lips, and her heart sped up at the realization that Lexa might kiss her. She felt hope bubbling up from deep inside her, and she realized that she would not be opposed. More than that, she even wanted the brunette to kiss her, so much so that she almost leaned forward and captured Lexa's lips herself. Before she could get up the courage though, Lexa's head dropped back down to rest on her shoulder, and the moment was gone, crushing Clarke's hope back down again.

"Thanks for being here for me, Clarke," Lexa said softly.

"Always." Clarke ran her hand up and down Lexa's arm.

A few moments passed by in silence, each girl just enjoying the other's company, and Clarke found that she was relieved that what had happened at lunch hadn't ruined this for them. When the bell rang throughout the campus, signifying that lunch was over, Lexa finally spoke up in a quiet voice. "Can I go home now?"

Clarke smiled, thinking it funny and sort of cute that Lexa wanted Clarke's approval for such a thing when there was really nothing Clarke could do to stop her. She squeezed Lexa's arm gently. "I'll see you later, LW."

* * *

After lunch, Clarke made her way down the hallway to the chemistry lab. She groaned internally at the fact that her class was doing a lab today because, while she had initially been thrilled to be partnered with Octavia and Raven, she now wished that she had chosen a different lab team. Since there was nothing she could do to get out of it, she simply walked over to her lab station, making a point of sitting next to Octavia and exchanging a quick greeting with the other girl, while completely ignoring Raven's presence. She knew that Raven would try to talk to her though, but right when the brunette opened her mouth, Clarke was relieved to hear the sound of the bell ringing. The class went silent as Mrs. Dowling began to give a short explanation of what they would be accomplishing in the lab today. Normally, Clarke found this portion of lab to be extremely boring, but today, she wished that the teacher would drone on forever. However, Mrs. Dowling stopped talking too soon, and as expected, Raven turned to Clarke the minute that the students were released to start the lab.

"I'm really sorry about what happened earlier with Lexa. I know that I acted like a complete ass out there and that she was only trying to be nice, and I do have to admit that I was a little impressed that you got her to behave so politely. The point is, though, that I should never have done what I did, and I'm sorry. I promise it won't happen again."

Clarke had to say that she was impressed with Raven's apology. The brunette was not one to ever admit that she was wrong, so it had definitely taken some guts for the other girl to say that, even if the blonde was sure that Octavia had probably made her. "Octavia put you up to this, didn't she?"

A pink tinge spread across Raven's cheeks at the statement. "She might have, but I promise that I mean it. I was an awful friend to you. Lexa's obviously becoming pretty important to you, and as your friend, I should have realized that and been nice her. I really do want to stay friends with you though, so I will do anything that I can to make it up to you. Why don't you bring her to dinner tonight, and I will apologize to her directly?"

Clarke sighed in exasperation. "I can't _bring_ her anywhere, Raven. She's not a dog who I can just tell to come and she'll follow. She makes her own choices, and it took me long enough to get her to have lunch with just the five of us today. There's no way that I can get her to come downstairs and eat dinner with the entire house tonight, especially not after what happened earlier."

"Clarke, please. I'm really trying here," Raven said with an apologetic look.

"I understand, and I forgive you, even though I'm still mad." Clarke tried to let go of some of the anger that she was feeling for her friend because she knew that it had taken a lot for Raven to apologize. However, she wished that Raven had started trying to be a good friend thirty minutes earlier. "Anyway, it would be good for her to go to dinner, so I'll try to convince her to come, but it won't be tonight. Or anytime soon, for that matter."

"I talked to Bellamy as well and knocked some sense into him too," Octavia said. "He shouldn't be rude to Lexa again either."

Clarke dipped her head in gratitude. "Thanks, O. And I'm sorry about earlier. I hope you and Lincoln don't think that any of the things I said were directed at you. I really appreciate the way you two made an effort to make Lexa feel welcome."

"Not a problem," Octavia said easily.

"Now that we're all good here, how about we get started on the lab?" Raven suggested.

Clarke decided to let her residual anger go and focus on the lab that she and her friends were supposed to be working on right now. Raven began by reading the instructions aloud, and then the three of them began working, mixing chemicals into various containers. Raven stirred her beaker as she dissolved something or other into it. Clarke wasn't great at chemistry, nor did she particularly care for the subject, so she was just glad that she had Raven there to tell her what to do.

"Pour the ammonium carbonate into the main beaker," Raven instructed brusquely.

Clarke reached for the right bottle, happy that she had paid attention when the teacher had explained which chemical was which before they had started the lab. She poured it into the large beaker that was positioned in the center of their workspace.

Clarke scrambled to catch the beaker that Raven had previously been stirring when the brunette slid it in her direction without a word. The blonde immediately knew what her friend wanted her to do, resuming the stirring where the brunette had left off. She watched curiously as Raven dropped a dark gray substance into a different beaker and began to stir that one as well as the reaction started to bubble before leaning back over the lab manual to read the next step.

Raven was in what Clarke and Octavia liked to refer to as her chem lab mode. Whenever they had a lab, Raven always got extremely immersed to the point where she didn't even talk, except to bark out orders occasionally, and she worked fast. Faster than Clarke and Octavia could keep up with sometimes.

"O, pour the potassium chloride into the center," Raven instructed, continuing to stir her reaction.

"Which one is that?" Octavia was even more lost than Clarke was when it came to chemistry, clearly having zoned out what Mrs. Dowling had said at the beginning of class.

"The blue one," Clarke told her as she continued to stir the reaction that Raven had handed her. Clarke's eyes widened when she saw Octavia pick up the wrong bottle, and she watched in horror as the brunette poured in the teal chemical rather than the blue one that Clarke had meant.

"Octavia, no!" Clarke yelled, trying to stop her, but it was too late.

The sound of Clarke's raised voice caused Raven to look up from her lab manual, and she gasped when she noticed what Octavia had done, quickly pulling both of her friends away from the table as their chemicals began to overflow. Steam billowed out of the beaker, and Mrs. Dowling rushed over to their station immediately.

"What happened?" she asked.

"I accidentally poured in the wrong chemical," Octavia admitted with a sheepish look.

"You'd do well to proceed with more caution next time, Miss Blake. This is the second time that this has happened this term, and we are only a few weeks in," Mrs. Dowling said, looking slightly annoyed.

Octavia hung her head in embarrassment. "Yes, ma'am."

Mrs. Dowling turned to the rest of the students, raising her voice so that everyone could here. "Alright, ladies and gentlemen, you know the drill."

As all of the students were herded out of the lab, many of them were grumbling in annoyance and shooting glares at Octavia. Raven looked just as irritated as the rest of them, probably disappointed that she would not get to finish the lab.

"Seriously, O?" she growled. "Listen to what I tell you next time."

"Well, maybe if you would tell me which bottle it is," Octavia argued. "How am I supposed to know these chemicals by name?"

"I don't know. Maybe if you would've paid attention when Mrs. Dowling was explaining the lab, then you would know. She went over what each of those chemicals were."

Clarke had to admit that she could see both sides of her friends' arguments, but mainly Octavia's. Raven was so knowledgeable about the subject, considering that both of her parents were chemists, and when she got in her lab mode, it was almost like she forgot that her friends didn't know chemistry like she did. She expected them to understand her instructions perfectly when most of the time, Clarke didn't have a clue what she was doing.

Clarke watched on as Octavia and Raven argued and decided she'd better step in before they murdered each other. "Guys, stop it. Arguing isn't going to get you anywhere. You guys are both in the wrong, and if you would just admit that, then maybe we could focus our energy on how we're going to do better in the next lab. Raven, don't assume that we are chemists over here. You could at least try to be more helpful with specifying which chemical is which, and Octavia, don't be so quick to just throw chemicals into the mixture if you are unsure of what they are."

"You're right," Raven said. "I could definitely be more helpful to you guys. Sometimes, I forget that you're not as familiar with the subject as I am."

"Try not familiar at all," Octavia said, "but I'm sorry too. Since I am clueless about this subject, I shouldn't just be haphazardly throwing chemicals around."

"I'm glad we sorted that out. We won't make the same mistake again," Clarke said before adding, "Hopefully."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday, everyone! Since the last couple of chapters have been from Clarke's point of view, this one is from Lexa's, so you guys will finally get a little insight into how Lexa feels about all of that has been going on. I hope you enjoy it!

Lexa sat on her bed, working on an essay that she had to write for school. She couldn't remember the last time that she had written a good essay, but she knew that Clarke was proud of her for starting to try in school again, and that only made Lexa want to try harder. She had certainly come around to the idea of spending time with the blonde in the past couple of weeks. Even though the lunch that Lexa had gone to with Clarke's friends almost two weeks ago had been a minor setback, she found that she didn't care so much anymore. If the other people in the house continued to act like jerks, then so be it. Lexa was fine just being around Clarke.

She had come to think of Clarke as a friend, and she was finally glad that she had decided to let the blonde in. Even though she had originally hated the other girl for trying to break down her walls, she now found that Clarke was rather easy for her to get along with, and Lexa almost felt like she belonged again. While she used to prefer to be alone, she now found herself wishing that Clarke was there whenever the blond girl wasn't, and while she used to prefer not to talk about herself at all, she found herself wanting to open up to her roommate more and more. Lexa had never thought that she would ever feel this way again, and although she didn't feel perfect, she had to admit that she was content. Maybe even happy.

At that moment, the door to Lexa's room opened, and her eyes brightened when the girl she had just been thinking about entered through it. They brightened even further at the sight of the item that the blonde was carrying in her hands. It was an elegant vase with a beautiful array of pink, purple, and yellow tulips, and Lexa could not stop a huge grin from spreading across her face. "Are those for me?"

Clarke nodded, setting them down on Lexa's vanity. "Yup. I know how much you love flowers, and I figured that our room could use the color."

"Thanks, Clarke," Lexa said, her smile still prominent.

The blonde nodded in acknowledgement, and Lexa noticed the tiny smile that played out on her roommate's own lips at the sight of Lexa so happy. The brunette leaned over to smell the refreshing fragrance of the flowers, and she sighed at the scent. She couldn't even remember the last time that she had had flowers, but she now realized how much she had missed them, and she turned her bright smile back up to Clarke. Her smile suddenly morphed into a knowing smirk though when she saw the nervous look that had appeared on the blonde's face. "What do you want, Clarke?"

"What makes you think I want something?" Clarke challenged.

"Well, you are just standing there rather than going to your bed, which means that you probably still have something you want to say. You're biting your lip, which means you're nervous, so you're afraid that I'm not going to like whatever it is that you have to say. Plus, you brought me flowers, knowing full well how much I love them, to put me in a good mood so that I will be more likely to agree to whatever it is you are about to ask me to do," Lexa deduced. "So go ahead and ask."

"Fine. You got me." Clarke sighed in defeat. "I guess I was being a little too obvious, but I will have you know that I planned on getting you flowers since the moment that you mentioned that you loved them and that I stayed over here rather than going back to my bed immediately because you were smiling bigger than I'd ever seen you smile before, and I found it a bit cute."

Lexa felt the heat rise to her cheeks at the blonde's statement, and she knew, without a doubt, that she was blushing. The room was enveloped in silence as Lexa tried to regain control of the color of her cheeks, and she looked up to find that Clarke's cheeks had a pink tinge to them as well. As the silence stretched on, Lexa could feel the tension in the air, and she got the impression that the blonde hadn't meant to say what she had said. When several seconds had passed with neither girl speaking, Lexa awkwardly cleared her throat. "So, what is it you wanted to ask me?"

"Right, um," Clarke began, not raising her eyes from where they were fixed on the floor, "I was just going to ask if you wanted to accompany me down to dinner tonight."

Lexa's carefree demeanor instantly fell away, and she could feel her walls springing back up at the prospect of going through another verbal lashing from Clarke's friends. She wanted to be able to say yes for Clarke, but she didn't know if she could go through a repeat of what had happened last time. "I can't, Clarke. I'm sorry."

Lexa saw the blonde hesitate, and she realized that Clarke was reluctant to plead with her roommate to do this again after what her friends had done last time. It warmed Lexa's heart that Clarke cared about her enough to take that into consideration, but she could tell that her roommate still blamed herself for what had happened that day. Lexa wished that she wouldn't because it had truly been out of her control.

"Please, Lexa," Clarke finally decided to say, although it wasn't a desperate pleading, like she had done when she had asked Lexa to lunch. This wasn't something that Clarke needed, but rather something that the blonde only hoped for. "Octavia talked to both Bellamy and Raven. They shouldn't act like that ever again."

Lexa wanted to be ready for this. She wanted to see her own friends again, but she wasn't sure that she could handle seeing everyone at once, and so she told Clarke of this. "I'm not sure I'm ready to talk to everyone in the house though. It'll be a bit…overwhelming."

"Lexa, please?" Clarke grabbed Lexa's hands in her own, and the brunette could tell by this gesture and the tone of the blonde's voice that this was the last time that the other girl was going to ask. Whatever response Lexa gave this time would be the final one. Lexa did not want to go, but she also did not want to say no to Clarke for a third time. What she was slowly realizing was that resisting Clarke's requests was a lot harder than she had previously thought, especially when the blonde was looking up at her with those big pleading blue eyes. It was always those eyes that got Lexa, and she found herself giving in before she could even fully think it through. "Fine. I'll go."

Clarke squealed in delight, and while Lexa enjoyed seeing the happy look in the blonde's eyes, she suddenly came to dread the evening. She looked over at the clock that was on her bedside table, seeing that there was only an hour and a half left until dinner, and as Clarke climbed onto the bed beside her to do her own homework, a habit that the blonde had taken up in the past week, Lexa found herself hoping that this last hour and a half would drag on forever and that dinner would never come.

* * *

After about a half hour of doing homework, Lexa felt the pressure of Clarke's head lean against her shoulder as the blonde promptly fell asleep. She smiled softly at the sight, carefully closing Clarke's laptop before returning to her own homework. When Clarke had first asked to sit beside Lexa on her bed, the brunette had been wary, only agreeing to it because she had known that it was something that the blonde wanted, and while it had been strange at first, Lexa had grown used to it. Now, she found Clarke's presence beside her to be quite comforting, even when they were working on separate assignments.

If Clarke had fallen asleep on Lexa when they had first started spending time together, the brunette probably would've freaked out and pushed her away, but now Lexa found that she didn't mind at all. She knew it was a stroke of luck that the blonde had nodded off because it gave Lexa an out to dinner. If she wanted to, she could just allow her roommate to sleep through the meal, and then she wouldn't have to go at all. However, Lexa knew that she could never do that, no matter how badly she wanted to. She wouldn't break her word now, even if she had to endure what could very possibly be the worst night of her life.

When it was finally time for dinner, Lexa took a deep breath and shook Clarke awake, watching as sleepy blue eyes focused on her. "Clarke, it's time for dinner."

"You woke me up." A look of pure wonderment flashed across Clarke's face. "You could've easily let me sleep right through dinner, and then you wouldn't have had to go. Why didn't you?"

"Because I gave you my word, Clarke," Lexa said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and then she stood from the bed, looking back down at her roommate. "Now, are you coming or not?"

Lexa had to stop herself from visibly shaking as the two of them made their way out the door. She was incredibly nervous about going downstairs to join these people who she had been avoiding for so long. She knew that there was a strong possibility that some of them, if not most of them, might treat her the way that Bellamy and Raven had, but she had to do this for Clarke.

She latched tightly to the blonde's hand as they walked. Normally, she liked to pretend that she didn't need the blonde, even though she really did on the inside, but today, she couldn't even bother to keep up the act. Out of everyone in this house, Lexa knew full well that Clarke was the only one she could trust right now.

The blonde must have been able to sense her nervousness because she turned reassuring blue eyes on Lexa's, gently squeezing her hand once before trying to drop it. Only Lexa refused to let go, needing something to ground her until they reached their destination.

When they got to the dining room, Lexa finally released her hold on Clarke's hand, and she willed for her perfectly constructed mask to come over her. It had been a long time since she had used it, but it fell right into place, her posture relaxing as she strolled calmly over to take the seat next to Clarke.

Upon seeing Lexa occupy the chair at the table that hadn't been filled in quite some time, the other residents fell silent, taking a moment to stare at Lexa in an awe-struck wonder, almost as if they weren't sure she was real. Lexa squirmed in her seat, not liking the open scrutiny from all of her housemates, and she was extremely grateful when Emori finally broke the silence.

"Lexa! You came to dinner."

"Yes." Lexa nodded calmly. "Clarke convinced me to."

A look of shock washed over Emori's features before she turned a very curious and slightly wonder-filled pair of eyes on Clarke. "How on earth did you do it? We tried to convince her to come to dinner for ages, but she never listened to us."

Clarke shrugged, giving everyone at the table a playful smile. "I don't know why you guys are acting like it was some difficult thing. All I had to do was get her flowers."

"Ah! Flowers!" Anya exclaimed from her place at the head of the table. "How did we never think of doing that? Flowers are Lexa's weakness."

Lexa prickled a little at her old best friend's insinuation that she had a weakness, not because it wasn't true, but because it was. Lexa hated the thought of having a weakness, and that was one of the main reasons that she had pushed everyone away last year. She wasn't sure how she felt about allowing herself to have one again. Only, contrary to Anya's belief, Lexa's weakness wasn't the flowers.

"Lexa," Raven called, drawing Lexa's questioning gaze to her. "I'm sorry about what happened when you sat with us at lunch. I haven't gotten the chance to apologize yet, and I'm sorry for all of it. I shouldn't have said the things that I did."

Lexa knew her surprise played out on her face at Raven's apology. Out of all of the things that she had expected to happen at dinner tonight, this had not been one of them. She had thought Raven hated her, had known it even, but now it seemed that the other brunette might not despise her as much as she had previously thought. She was even more surprised when Bellamy spoke up as well, adding his own apology to the mix. "I'm sorry as well. We shouldn't have denied you a second chance. I suppose that was a little unfair of us."

Lexa gave them both a lopsided smile. "It's fine. Thank you for your apologies."

The table fell into an awkward silence after that, no one seemingly knowing what to say. Lexa suddenly felt her nerves come back full force, and she looked down at her hands, fiddling with them where they rested in her lap. She could feel her shoulders beginning to tense up, and she remembered now why she hadn't wanted to come in the first place. She was just about to excuse herself to go to the bathroom when she felt Clarke's comforting hand come to rest on her thigh, and she met the blonde's warm blue gaze, causing her to visibly relax again. She shot her roommate a grateful smile, and Clarke withdrew her hand again when Indra walked in with their meal.

"I made lasagna tonight," Indra announced, placing a tray at each end of the table so that the students could begin scooping however much they wanted onto their plates.

When Indra noticed the new addition to the table, she smiled warmly. "Lexa. I'm glad to see you finally joining us for dinner again. It's nice to know that you actually took my advice about letting Clarke in."

"Thank you, Indra." Lexa shot the older woman a smile.

"You're welcome, Lexa. You picked a good night to come downstairs too. I know how much you love lasagna."

Lexa nodded, scooping out a decent-sized portion for herself as Indra retreated back into the kitchen. Lasagna had always been Lexa's favorite meal, and she was pleasantly surprised that she would get to eat it again that night. She immediately dug in, and she had to stop herself from moaning at the taste. It had been so long since she had had a home-cooked meal, due to the fact that she normally resorted to having a frozen meal up in her room each night, and she found herself wondering if it was really worth it to avoid her housemates if she had to miss out on this amazing food. She had forgotten how great Indra's cooking was, but she could honestly say that she had never had a meal as good as the ones that Indra prepared.

When Lexa finally raised her eyes from her plate again, she found Clarke smiling at her, and she shot the blonde a small smile in return. She wondered why it was that seeing Clarke's smile made her want to blush, but she brushed the thought away in favor of continuing her meal.

After the initial silence that came with the arrival of the food, Jasper finally spoke up. "Lexa, you should totally hang out with us again sometime soon. We used to have so much fun together."

Clarke shot Lexa a questioning glance, and the brunette realized that out of all the things she had told the blonde about, she had never mentioned her antics with Jasper and Monty. While it must have slipped her mind, she had not forgotten. Far from it, actually. She used to join Jasper and Monty on their pranks all the time. In fact, she had helped them pull the prank on Mr. Kane that had gotten pranking banned from Arkadia House in the first place. After Costia had died, Lexa had thought that the jocular side of her might just be gone forever. Now, though, she was starting to realize that she wouldn't mind joining in on a prank or two again every once in a while.

Monty nodded in agreement with Jasper's statement. "Too bad you weren't there for today's prank."

Lexa was instantly intrigued. "What did you guys do?"

"We tinkered with Mrs. Roddington's chair this morning so that it collapsed when she tried to sit down in it," Monty said proudly.

Lexa couldn't help but smile at the thought. "I have her for third period, and she is so boring. Did you guys get in trouble for it?"

"Nope. She had no idea it was us. She never does," Jasper said with a smug smirk. "We always pin the blame on some stuck-up kid from Azgeda House named Ontari. She's taken the fall for so many of our pranks by now that people expect that sort of behavior from her."

"Nice work, guys," Lexa said with a huge grin. "I will definitely have to join you sometime."

Jasper and Monty high-fived, clearly excited at the prospect of having Lexa back on their team. The brunette was actually excited herself. Playing pranks on people provided a sort of rush that Lexa happened to love, and she couldn't wait to feel it again.

"Hey, Lexa, don't forget that it's kickball day this Friday in gym, so there will be a mini tournament," Octavia said. "We'd all really appreciate it if you showed up to help us."

Lexa looked up at Octavia, a little of her uncertainty playing out on her face. "I don't know. I haven't played in a long time, so I don't know how good I will be. But I'll consider trying it again."

"If you do decide to come, you should play for Azgeda House with me," Emori said.

Lexa's lips pulled down in the beginnings of a frown. "Why do you play for Azgeda?"

"My boyfriend, John Murphy, lives there, and our team would love the support," Emori said with a huge grin.

Anya nudged her friend with a playful smile. "No way. You guys already have Bellamy on your team as well, so Lexa needs to play with us." Anya then turned to Lexa. "Come on, Lexa. You're Arkadia through and through."

Lexa playfully shook her head at their antics. "I will play for our house if I decide to come." This resulted in a cheer from both Anya and Octavia. "We have to play for our own houses in the actual tournament, so it will be good for me to get used to playing with my own teammates."

"Yeah, that's the spirit, Lexa." Octavia looked meaningfully over at her brother, who dutifully ignored her.

"You should hang out with us more often, Lexa." Lincoln spoke up, turning the light-hearted mood to a more serious one. "I think I speak for most of us when I say that we miss you."

"I agree. Anya and I would love it if you would hang out with us again," Emori said in an almost pleading tone, and Lexa realized for the first time just how much her friends had missed her in the time that they had spent apart. "Lincoln can hang out with us too, and it'll be almost just like old times."

"Maybe," Lexa responded.

The brunette didn't want to promise anything because she didn't know if she was ready yet to just reclaim her old life. She didn't know if she ever would be. Lexa was grateful for Emori's use of the word "almost" because she knew that nothing would ever be the same without Costia there. She didn't even think that it would almost be the same, but she was glad that Emori was trying.

"I guess that's as much as we can ask for," Anya said, and Lexa found that she was able to smile at her for the first time since Costia died.

* * *

When Clarke and Lexa reentered their room that night, Lexa felt better than she had in a long time. It had been refreshing to see all of her old friends again and sit downstairs with them at the dinner table as if nothing had changed, and she knew that it was all thanks to Clarke. At first, Lexa had only let Clarke in just to humor her, and maybe because she wanted to stop disappointing the blonde, but she had never thought that opening herself up to the other girl would actually help. But help it had, and Lexa had no idea how to repay Clarke for all she had done.

"I am so proud of you," Clarke said once the door was closed. "You were polite and calm the entire time, and everyone was nice to you, just like I told you they would be. I think they all really enjoyed your company because, believe it or not, they _wanted_ to see you, Lexa. Now that wasn't so bad, was it?"

Lexa's heart warmed at the look in Clarke's eyes, and she felt a sense of happiness at the fact that she had made Clarke proud, but even more so, she felt grateful to her roommate for pulling her out of that desolate place from which there had previously seemed to be no escape.

Lexa made a split-second decision and pulled Clarke into a bone-crushing hug, clutching tightly to this blond girl who had basically saved her life. Clarke was clearly shocked at the gesture, arms remaining rigidly at her sides for a moment, but she quickly returned the embrace, burying her face in Lexa's hair.

"Thank you so much for making me go tonight," Lexa whispered in her ear. "You were right. I really needed that."

"I'm glad it went well for you, LW," Clarke murmured. "Thank _you_ for giving my friends another chance."

Lexa simply held Clarke in her arms, and she was glad when the blonde did not try to pull away, allowing the brunette to hold her as long as she wanted to. Lexa knew that she had to let go eventually, but she wished that she didn't because being in Clarke's arms made her feel safer than she had in long time. She felt like she was finally coming home.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

Clarke followed her housemates out onto the kickball field for their last class of the day. They had just finished changing into their gym clothes and were now walking out onto the field as a house before anyone switched teams. The two other houses that had gym at the same time as Arkadia, Azgeda and Mount Weather, were already waiting beside the field.

Clarke was slightly disappointed that Lexa hadn't shown up today. The blonde knew that her roommate always ditched gym class, but Clarke had hoped that, after Octavia had invited her, the brunette might have actually decided to show up. It seemed that the blonde had been mistaken. When she had asked Lexa about it last night, the brunette had responded with a maybe, and Clarke hadn't wanted to beg her again after her roommate had already gone to dinner with the house for her and had continued to go each night.

Clarke would have certainly had more fun today if her roommate had shown up, but she knew that she would just have to make do with spending time with the rest of the team. Besides, this was her first kickball tournament, since she had spent the last one taking care of a sick Lexa, and she couldn't deny that she was excited about it, especially with Octavia trying to pump everyone up.

"Alright, Arkadia, the other houses better get ready because we are gonna kick some ass today!"

"Definitely. We are going to destroy them." Jasper added his agreement.

Bellamy just smiled smugly at them, although it seemed that the look was mainly meant for his sister and Raven. "Good luck, guys, but you're never going to beat us."

Octavia slapped him on the arm. "You are such a traitor."

While the two of them began to argue, Anya turned to Clarke with a hopeful look in her eyes. "So, Clarke, is Lexa coming today?"

Clarke simply shrugged. "I honestly don't know. She wouldn't give me a straight answer."

"You'll never get a straight answer out of Lexa." Emori snorted, and Anya snickered beside her. Clarke couldn't help but laugh along.

"Tis true," Anya added with a goofy grin. "She loves her ladies."

Clarke couldn't help but smile at the other girl, and she had to admit that everyone in Arkadia House was so fun to be around. She realized that she had gotten really lucky with her house assignment because she honestly loved spending time with every single person there. Even though she had hated it at first, Clarke was also really lucky with her roommate assignment. If she hadn't been forced to share a room with Lexa, then she would have never gotten to know the Lexa that she was slowly discovering now, and as the days went by, Clarke was finding it harder and harder to imagine a world without the other girl in it.

When the members of Arkadia House finally reached the field, Emori turned to give her older sister a quick hug before turning to address the rest of the team. "I'll see you guys after the match."

"After you lose," Bellamy added with a grin.

The two of them then wandered over to where the members of Azgeda House were gathered, going over to speak to a boy and a girl who Clarke could only guess were John Murphy and Echo. The blonde watched as Emori leaned up to kiss her boyfriend, but she noted that the interactions between Bellamy and Echo didn't seem to be anything more than friendship on both ends.

Clarke was pulled out of her reverie when she heard Octavia scoff at her brother, and the blonde turned to see that Raven had crossed her arms, and Octavia was wearing a displeased frown. Octavia perked back up though when Lincoln pulled her into him, placing a kiss on top of her head, and suddenly she didn't seem to care what her brother was doing anymore. However, Raven was still glaring in Bellamy's direction, and Clarke couldn't help but notice the jealousy that was prominent in the brunette's eyes. The blonde thought about saying something to her friend, maybe even teasing her, but she was distracted by two girls heading over to the Arkadia team from the direction of where the Mount Weather residents were hanging out. She figured that these must be Jasper and Monty's girlfriends, and she quickly found that she was correct when Jasper introduced them to her.

"Clarke, this is Maya and Harper." Jasper pointed to each girl in turn. "Guys, this is Clarke, the newest edition to our house."

"It's really nice to meet you," Clarke said sweetly, shaking each of their hands in turn. "I started at Polis at the beginning of this term, but I missed the first tournament because my roommate was sick, so this will be my first time playing. I apologize if I'm kind of awful. I haven't played kickball since elementary school."

"It's okay. I wasn't very good when I first started either, but you'll get the hang of it soon." Maya chuckled. "So you're rooming with Lexa then?"

Clarke was a little surprised that the other girl had known about Lexa, but then again, Maya had probably known Lexa freshman year because of the Mount Weather girl's relationship with Jasper. Besides, the whole school probably knew about what had happened to Costia. If Maya had known Lexa before that, then of course she would know that the brunette was the only one at Arkadia House who needed a new roommate.

Clarke simply nodded. "Yeah."

Harper made a face. "Yikes. I'm sorry."

It became clear to Clarke in that moment that these two were not aware of the fact that Lexa was getting better, which made sense, considering her own house hadn't known until this week, but the blonde found that she didn't like the way that Harper had reacted. No matter what Lexa had done before, Clarke considered it a privilege to be paired with the brunette as her roommate, and she was going to make sure that these two knew it.

"She's great, actually. I mean, we got off to a rocky start because of the way she was acting at first, but she's starting to open up, and she and I are really good friends now."

"Really? That's great," Maya said with a smile. "She's been in a dark place for a very long time now, and it's good to hear that she's doing better."

"I agree. She used to be pretty fun freshman year," Harper added. "Will she be joining us today?"

"I have no idea. Octavia invited her, and I think everyone wants her to come, but when I tried asking her about it last night, she wouldn't give me a definitive answer." Clarke made sure to revise her response this time, even though she was pretty sure that these girls wouldn't have made a joke of it like Anya and Emori had. Clarke found that she really liked Maya and Harper already because they both seemed to be very sweet.

"Looks like she decided to come," Harper remarked, and Clarke snapped to attention.

She followed the other blonde's line of sight to see Lexa, dressed in her gym clothes, making her way over to join the others. Clarke was so excited to see the other girl that she didn't even bother to be embarrassed about how quickly she had turned at the mention of her roommate. A huge smile broke out on Clarke's face when Lexa met her eyes, and she only smiled wider when the brunette shot her a small smile in return.

When Lexa reached the group, Clarke was on her way to greet the brunette when Anya rushed in front of her, pulling her best friend into a tight hug. Clarke noticed the slight discomfort that entered Lexa's eyes at the contact, and the blonde thought that it was more due to the force behind Anya's hug than the actual hug itself. However, Lexa dutifully returned it, features relaxing a bit when Anya let go.

"Glad to see you made it." Anya grinned widely.

Octavia nodded at the other girl. "We could definitely use another teammate. It's really good to see you here, Lexa."

"I almost didn't come, but I figured that I would help you guys out. Only here's how we're going to do it. I know that Azgeda is an easy win almost all of the time, even with Bellamy and Emori playing for them, and you know that that's exactly how all of the other teams see them when we get to the actual tournament. Nobody tries hard against Azgeda because they know that they're going to win. Arkadia, even though we've never won an actual tournament, has always been seen as a toss-up, but this time, we're going to be the easy win. We can still take these mini tournaments as serious practice rounds, but even if we are doing good for a while, we need to purposely throw each and every game, but discreetly of course so that the other houses don't catch on. If word spreads around the school that we're losing to Azgeda, then nobody is going to take us seriously in the tournament. They'll view us as an easy win, and they'll get overconfident, so when we pull ahead and beat them, they won't even know what hit them. We make ourselves look weak so that the other houses don't know how strong we really are." Lexa finished with a pleased smile.

Octavia nodded slowly in agreement. "Yeah. That could work. We act like we suck, and then we bring our A-game in the tournament. I like that idea."

Clarke nodded her own approval, extremely proud of Lexa for having come up with such a great plan of action. It made the blonde so happy to see Lexa acting like a real member of the house again. She wasn't alienated this time. She was right in the middle of things. People were talking to her about the plan, and she was conversing nicely back. Clarke could almost imagine that this was what it had been like before Costia had died. What Lexa had been like.

"It is brilliant," Raven mused. "I don't know how I didn't think of it first. But guys, the two chicks from Mount Weather House, the reigning champions, are standing right here. How do you know that they won't narc on us to one of our biggest competitors?"

Raven brought up a good point, but from what Clarke had seen so far, Maya and Harper seemed to be really nice, and she honestly couldn't see the two of them doing something like that. Jasper seemed to have the same idea. "They would never do that."

Monty seemed a little less sure. "You won't narc on us, right?"

Harper shook her head with an amused smile. "We won't narc on you."

Lexa smiled brightly. "Great. Then, that's what we'll do. To Arkadia's impending victory." Lexa stuck her hand out in front of her, and Clarke caught on quickly to what her roommate wanted everyone to do. She placed her hand gently over the brunette's, trying not to think about the tingles that ran up her arm at the contact, a feeling that was getting harder to ignore each day. She looked expectantly up at the other members of the house, and Lexa smiled even wider when all of their teammates added their hands to the pile in front of them. The blonde was glad that Lexa was starting to feel like she belonged again, and she was extremely grateful to her housemates for making it so easy for the other girl to fit in, even though they didn't owe her forgiveness of any sort.

Clarke smiled as well as the team yelled, "Arkadia!" on the count of three, and she liked the amicable feeling that had settled over the teammates as they headed over to begin the first round.

Octavia stepped up to the plate first, and Clarke had to admit that she was pretty good. She kicked the ball nice and far, and she got to second base before stopping. Clarke stepped up next, thinking that this could not be too difficult, but she soon found out that it was a lot harder than she had previously thought, especially since she was not a sporty person, and she was out before she even reached first base. She was slightly embarrassed as she trudged back to her teammates, but they were all very nice about it, telling her that it had been a good first try, even though she knew it hadn't.

When it was Lexa's turn, Clarke was kind of in awe. The other members of their team had been pretty good, but Lexa was amazing. Her kick went farther than anyone's, soaring right over people's heads into an open portion of the field, and the brunette was fast, clearing all the bases before the other team could get her out. Clarke almost couldn't believe her eyes, and the rest of the team cheered for her roommate, congratulating her before the next person stepped up.

When Lexa reached Clarke, the blonde found herself leaning up to kiss Lexa on the cheek, unable to stop herself. Her eyes widened when she realized what she had done, and she quickly pulled away. She hadn't meant to do that. She had just been so proud of the brunette, and her feelings for her roommate had accidentally escaped, just like they had when Lexa had cried in her arms under the bleachers two weeks ago.

There was no denying the way she felt about Lexa now.

This time, she couldn't hide behind the pretense that she had simply been trying to comfort the brunette with her kiss. The fact that she liked Lexa as more than a friend, something she had tried so hard to suppress, had finally burst free, and she hoped that she hadn't just screwed everything up with her roommate.

Lexa had blushed a deep shade of red, and she was looking around to see if anyone saw. No one had of course because everyone's attention was on the game that was going on in front of them, but Clarke wasn't sure why it mattered. It wasn't as if people didn't know that Lexa was a lesbian. Unless…Lexa didn't return Clarke's feelings. It was certainly possible, but Clarke had been pretty sure that the brunette liked her as well. She had almost kissed Clarke that day under the bleachers. Or maybe that's just what Clarke had wanted her to do. Maybe the blonde had been misreading this all along.

She waited for Lexa to say something, anything, but the brunette said nothing at all. Clarke supposed it was good that her roommate hadn't yelled at her, but it was weird because from that moment forth, through the entire rest of the kickball game, Lexa didn't say a word to her. Clarke finally realized that she might have just overstepped her roommate's boundaries, and she didn't know what to do.

After the tournament, Octavia seemed to be satisfied with the team's progress, especially now that they had Lexa back. Even though Lexa tried not to do too well after that first hit, causing the other teams to think it a stroke of luck, and even though they made sure to lose every single game, Clarke could already feel herself improving since her first attempt.

Octavia suggested that they go out to Jaha's, an ice cream shop that was across the street from Polis, to celebrate their victory. Bellamy, Emori, and her boyfriend, who introduced himself to the rest of them as Murphy, decided to come along as well. Clarke fell into an amicable chatter with her housemates as they walked to their destination, but Lexa still hadn't said a word to her, choosing to talk with Octavia instead. Clarke pushed away her obvious hurt in favor of having fun with her friends, deciding that she could talk to Lexa later.

Upon arriving at the shop, everyone ordered their ice cream from the shop owner, an older man named Thelonius Jaha, who seemed thrilled to have such a big group of customers. Like everyone else that she had met so far, Clarke found Jaha to be extremely sweet, and she made a mental note to come here more often, which was only seconded once she tasted the delicious flavor of her mint chocolate chip ice cream.

The thirteen of them pushed a few tables together to create one long table in the middle of the shop, and Clarke sat down in between Octavia and Raven, caught up in the talk that was flying around about the kickball tournament today. That was, until Raven started to create some drama, to no one's surprise. Like Lexa, the girl seemed to have a flare for the dramatic, and she wondered why it was that the two of them didn't get along better.

"So, how about our new plan today? I think this is going to work pretty well. Azgeda House has already started to get kind of cocky." Raven was met with ten murmurs of agreement and three confused stares.

"What new plan?" Bellamy was the first to speak up.

"Oh, that's right, you don't know about the plan," Raven said with exaggerated surprise, letting everyone know that she was doing this on purpose. "If you had stuck with your own teammates, then you would know, but since you are a traitor who insists on playing for the enemy, we can't tell you."

"Raven, I'm your teammate," Bellamy protested. "Don't you think I should know?"

"No," Raven huffed. "You don't even need to because you'll be playing for the other team anyway. We can't risk you telling your little girlfriend."

Bellamy sighed in exasperation. "Okay, I get why Octavia is annoyed with me for not playing with you guys because I'm her brother and all, and she gets really serious about these kickball games, but why the hell are you getting so worked up over this?"

"I'm not getting worked up. I just wish you wouldn't play for another team like this when it's so obvious that Echo is just using you. I'm your friend, and I don't want to see you get hurt when you finally realize that."

Bellamy took a deep breath, his attention solely focused on Raven, oblivious to the fact that everyone had quieted down and was watching them curiously. "Raven, I'm not still pining over Echo. I promise. I did have feelings for her, but I finally told her how I felt last year, and when she told me that she didn't return my feelings, that was that. I play for her team because we're still pretty good friends, and I don't get to see her every day like I see you guys, but I promise you I'm not into her anymore. I've moved on."

A relieved and pleased look washed over Raven's features, and she smiled up at the older boy. "And who are you into now?"

Bellamy didn't even hesitate, not breaking her gaze. "I think you know."

Raven crashed her lips into Bellamy's, and he didn't pull back, confirming her assumption that he had been talking about her. Clarke smiled at her two friends, allowing them to have their moment that had been long in the making. She was happy that they had finally stopped skirting around their feelings for each other. When Bellamy pulled away, the entire table burst into cheers, and Clarke added hers to the mix, smiling warmly at her friends.

Octavia reached across Clarke to get Raven's attention, pulling the other brunette out of her kiss-induced daze. "Finally."

"You're not mad then?" Raven asked.

Octavia's brows furrowed in confusion. "Why would I be mad?"

"Because he's your brother," Raven stated, as if this should have been obvious.

"I know some people think it's awkward for their best friend to date their brother, but I don't, Rae. I just want you two to be with someone who makes you happy, and if that is each other, then so be it," Octavia explained.

"Thanks, O." Raven paused before adding, "We were not that obvious though."

Octavia pinched Raven's cheek lightly between her fingers. "Whatever you say, Rae."

As Raven shrugged her best friend away, Clarke couldn't help an unwanted feeling from springing up within her. While she had initially felt excited for her friends, she now felt the slightest twinge of jealousy burning inside of her due to what had just happened between Bellamy and Raven, and she knew it was because she wished that she could do the same thing with Lexa. However, after the way the brunette had reacted after Clarke had kissed her cheek, she knew that her roommate would not take too kindly to it and that she had been seriously misguided when she had thought that the brunette might have feelings for her too.

Lexa still had not said a word to Clarke, and the blonde could not deny the fact that it hurt like hell. In fact, Lexa was sitting at the other end of the table with Emori and Anya, and that stung even more. Lexa had previously never left Clarke's side when she was in the presence of others, and now it seemed as if the blonde's roommate didn't want anything more to do with her.

Clarke tried to tell herself that maybe she was completely wrong. Maybe Lexa wasn't upset at all. Maybe she had been embarrassed by the cheek kiss because she returned the blonde's feelings, and maybe she hadn't said anything more to her roommate throughout the rest of the game because she was so focused on making sure that their teammates carried out her plan. Maybe she was sitting with Emori and Anya now because they had been her best friends once, and she wanted to spend more time with them. Clarke knew that none of this was true, but it made her feel better nonetheless.

She tried her best to hang on to these false beliefs, telling herself that they were one hundred percent true as she started conversing with her friends again, but she could never fully push away her doubts. She couldn't focus on anything other than the distance that had suddenly sprung up between her and her roommate, and she couldn't take it anymore, needing to know right now where she stood with the brunette, so she blurted out the first thing that came to her mind. "So, Lexa, since it's Friday, and the both of us never do homework on Fridays, do you want to watch a movie? You can pick."

Lexa looked extremely uncomfortable at the thought of spending time with Clarke, and the blonde knew that her roommate was going to refuse before she even opened her mouth. "I don't know, Clarke. I think I might hang out with Emori and Anya tonight."

Anya and Emori looked thrilled at the news, but hurt exploded through Clarke. This was clearly the first time that the sisters were hearing of this, so it wasn't like Lexa had already committed to spending time with them. She simply wanted to avoid spending time with the blonde. Clarke blinked back the tears that began to sting at her eyes at the thought that Lexa was mad at her. Or at the very least uncomfortable around her. It was like they were right back to square one, and Clarke had no idea how to fix it.

No one seemed to notice that anything was amiss between the two roommates, except for Lincoln, who shot Clarke a questioning look. Clarke simply shook her head at him to reassure him that it was fine or, at the very least, that there was nothing he could do about it. He gave her a wary look, but he didn't say anything, turning back to the conversation he had been holding with Monty and Harper. However, Clarke knew that nothing was fine for her at the moment, and she wished more than anything else that she could just go back in time and stop herself from placing that stupid kiss on Lexa's cheek.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about leaving you guys hanging last chapter. I promised a lot of people in the comments section that I would update today, so here is the next chapter, as promised! Enjoy! :)

The next day, Clarke was sitting on her bed, trying in vain to finish her biology homework. She had just started the worksheets that were due in tomorrow's class, but she had been staring blankly at the second question for almost five minutes now, and she was starting to think that this homework might take her all night. She wished that Lexa were here. She and the brunette normally always did their homework together, and while Clarke missed her roommate's intelligence, she missed the other girl's company even more. However, she hadn't seen Lexa since this morning, so she had resorted to the fact that she was doing her homework alone today. She grabbed her biology book and began flipping through the pages in search of the answer.

Not much time had passed before Clarke lifted her head at the sound of her door opening, smiling when she saw Lexa stride into the room. However, the brunette did not say a word to her, walking silently over to her wardrobe, and Clarke's face fell at the obvious sign that her roommate was going out again. She knew that Lexa probably just needed some space after what Clarke had done yesterday, but the blonde couldn't help but wish that her roommate might stay.

"Hey, Lexa, do you want to work on this biology assignment with me?"

"I can't, Clarke," Lexa said, pulling on her boots. "I'm going out with Octavia."

The blonde's nose wrinkled at the statement, thinking that this was most definitely a lie. "No, you're not. Not too long ago, you were telling me how you didn't want to hang out with my friends because they hated you. You expect me to believe you're suddenly best friends with Octavia?"

Lexa sighed in exasperation. "I'm not best friends with her. She asked me to hang out with her tonight since Raven's going out with Bellamy, and Lincoln is working on a project, and I said yes."

Clarke was about to protest more because she knew that her roommate was most likely just making this up to avoid her. The blonde wanted to call her out on it in the hopes that she might stay here, where Clarke might be able to convince her to talk about what had happened. She didn't want one stupid mistake to ruin the beautiful friendship that had grown between them. Before she could even get a word out though, the door to their room opened again, and this time it was Octavia who stepped inside.

Clarke's eyeballs almost rolled out of her head at the sight of the girl. "She wasn't lying," the blonde said before she could stop herself. Octavia shot her a confused look, and Clarke quickly explained herself. "You two really are hanging out tonight then?"

"Um, yeah. Lincoln's doing some kind of project, and Raven and Bellamy are going out on a date, so Lexa and I were just gonna hang out at the arcade down the street." Octavia paused for a moment, taking in Clarke's shocked look, unsure what to make of it. "Is that a problem?"

Clarke realized that she must have been making a strange face, and she tried to relax her features and stay calm. Inside though, Clarke was not calm. She was hurt that Lexa would rather hang out with Octavia than with her, and she was also slightly upset that neither one of them had asked her along. Clarke cleared her throat. "No. You're fine. I just thought Lexa was lying, that's all."

Octavia's brows furrowed, and Clarke realized that the brunette didn't know that there was anything wrong between the blonde and her roommate. "Do you want to come with us?"

Clarke wanted to scream out yes, to jump off her bed and grab her wallet and follow the two of them out the door. She was two seconds away from saying she would go, but she noticed Lexa out of the corner of her eye when Octavia had spoken. Lexa had tensed up a bit, eyes widening at the prospect, and Clarke's shoulders slumped. She had been right. Lexa was trying to avoid her, and the blonde knew that if she ever wanted things to work out between the two of them, then she needed to give her roommate the space that she so clearly needed.

Clarke gestured to the biology workbook that was lying open in her lap. "Not tonight. I really need to get this biology homework done. Maybe next time though."

Octavia simply shrugged. "Suit yourself. You ready, Lexa?"

"Yeah, let's go," said the girl in question.

As Lexa followed Octavia out the door, she nodded to Clarke, clearly appreciating the blonde's understanding. Clarke just wished that she understood a little bit more. She wanted to understand what it was that had set Lexa off, why it was that the brunette needed this space. She just wished that her roommate would stop pushing her away.

* * *

It had been four days since Lexa had really spoken to Clarke. The brunette was continuing to avoid her roommate by hanging out with Anya and Emori every night, and Clarke found herself feeling worse and worse. She truly missed this girl that she had come to care about so much, and she really wished that Lexa would stop acting this way over a stupid cheek kiss. If only Lexa wouldn't be so stubborn and would just talk to Clarke.

The blonde was sitting on her bed, holding her sketchbook on her lap. She was supposed to be working on a drawing for art class, but her sketch had very quickly turned into a picture of Lexa's face, smiling brightly with that smile that Clarke had come to love so much. The one where her teeth just barely peeked out from underneath her lips. It was the smile she had worn on her face when Clarke had brought her flowers. The smile that Clarke hadn't seen since.

When she finished the drawing, she took a moment to admire it, trying her best to imagine that Lexa was actually there in front of her, wearing that exact smile on her face. The good mood that Clarke had been in from drawing the picture instantly dropped when she realized that she might never that smile again. At least, not directed at her anyway.

She slipped her sketchbook into her nightstand when she couldn't bear to look at the drawing anymore, and she pushed through the door, deciding to head across the hall and find out what Octavia and Raven were up to. That was, until she saw Anya in the hallway, and it looked as if the older blonde was heading downstairs.

Clarke looked at her with a confused frown. "Hey, Anya. Where's Lexa?"

Anya shrugged. "How am I supposed to know? Is she not in her room?"

Clarke's face morphed into an irritated scowl. "You should know because she's supposed to be hanging out with you and Emori tonight."

"Emori's out with her boyfriend tonight, and I haven't even seen Lexa," Anya told Clarke. "She lied."

"Has she hung out with you at all this week, or has she been lying to me about that as well?" Clarke asked sullenly.

"She hasn't hung out with us since the night of the kickball game," Anya said.

Clarke couldn't keep the hurt out of her eyes at that statement. What was so horrible about a ridiculous cheek kiss that called for this kind of behavior? Clarke felt like every bit of progress that she had made with Lexa was completely gone and that Lexa was back behind her impossibly high walls. The truth was that Clarke didn't know why Lexa was acting like this, and she wondered if Anya might be able to help her figure it out. "Why would she keep lying like this?"

Anya didn't even look worried, fixing reassuring brown eyes on Clarke. "Look, I don't know what happened between you two, but whatever it was, she won't stay mad at you forever. Lexa really cares about you, Clarke, and I think it's obvious that she just wants some space right now. If you just give her a while, I'm sure she'll come out eventually."

Clarke picked up on the lack of worry in the older girl's eyes, and she realized that Anya knew exactly where it was that Lexa was hiding. "You know where she is."

Anya's eyes widened for a moment, seemingly wondering how it was that Clarke had known that, but she didn't try to deny it, nodding in response. "I do."

"Tell me," Clarke said immediately, desperate to know where it was that Lexa kept disappearing to. Desperate to find the brunette and convince her to talk things out.

Anya did not look as if she was going to tell though, shaking her head immediately. "I can't. That would be a violation of Lexa's privacy. When she wants to be alone, Clarke, she wants to be alone."

"Please, Anya," Clarke begged with pleading blue eyes.

Anya crossed her arms over her chest, clearly not wanting to give up her best friend's secret location. "She obviously doesn't want to see you."

"I know, but I just want to talk to her." Clarke wasn't giving up. "I need this, Anya. I promise that if I can't get through to her, I'll leave, and that will be that."

Anya finally gave in, and Clarke had to stop herself from throwing her arms around the other girl in a hug. "Fine. She's probably up in the attic. That's where she always goes when she wants to be alone."

"The attic?" Clarke echoed in slight confusion.

Anya raised an eyebrow at her. "Don't question me about it. You can ask her why she does the things she does later. Just get your ass up there and talk to her."

Clarke said a quick thanks to Anya, and then she practically ran down the hallway to the door that was located at the very end. She pushed it open, surprised to find that it was unlocked, but then again, Lexa probably wasn't expecting her best friend to give up her location. Clarke didn't care though. She needed to talk to her roommate so that they could settle this once and for all.

Clarke ascended the staircase that she found on the other side of the door, trying not to cringe when the floorboards squeaked underneath her shoes, hoping that Lexa hadn't heard it. When she reached the top of the staircase, she looked around the dusty clutter of the attic, wondering why on earth anyone would ever want to come up here, but sure enough, there was Lexa, sitting on the ground beside a few piles of boxes and an old record player.

"Lexa? What are you doing up here?" Clarke asked.

The brunette turned to look at Clarke with obvious surprise on her face. The blonde cringed when the surprise on her roommate's face quickly morphed into anger, fury smoldering in green eyes. "A better question is what the hell are you doing up here? Who told you I'd be here?"

"No one told me anything." Clarke sighed in exasperation. "I looked for you everywhere, and this was the only place in the entire house left to look."

Lexa wasn't even fazed, not believing a word that Clarke was saying. "Yeah, right. Anya told you. She's the only one who knows that I come up here."

"Fine. Anya told me, but I just want to know what you're so upset over. Why are you lying to me to keep me away from you?" Clarke sat down, looking her roommate right in the eyes.

Lexa quickly scooted away from her. "Stay away from me."

"Lexa," Clarke said disapprovingly.

"I'm not trying to keep you away from me, Clarke. I just don't want to hang out with you. Is that such a problem?" Lexa growled.

Clarke tried her best to blink away the tears that were beginning to form in the corners of her eyes. "Come on, Lexa. I thought we were past this. We were getting to be so close, and I just wish that you'd tell me what I did wrong so that we can go back to being friends again."

"You know exactly what you did, Clarke."

The blonde was taken aback by the snarl that was on the brunette's lips. This was the girl that she had met when she first came to Polis, and she wondered if this was all that she was going to get from here on out. She immediately cleared that thought from her head, telling herself that if she had helped Lexa the first time, then she could certainly help her roommate through whatever this was. If she just kept up her gentle reasoning, then she should be able to get through to the brunette. "Since you started acting weird after the kickball tournament, I'm assuming that what I did wrong was kiss you on the cheek, but how do you know it wasn't just a friendly cheek kiss?"

Lexa looked surprised, as if she had never even considered that possibility before, and when she answered, it didn't have as much gusto as she had had before. "We both know that's not true, Clarke. Your feelings for me are more than just platonic."

"And what are your feelings for me?" Clarke dared to ask.

A look of rage washed over Lexa's features at the mere suggestion, and she pushed up off the floor, stepping around Clarke towards the exit. The blonde's mouth fell open in shock. She couldn't believe that Lexa was just going to walk out like this. In that moment, she knew that she couldn't let her roommate get away, so she sprang up from the ground and caught Lexa's wrist before she could go any further. The brunette turned back to face her with pure ire in her eyes. "Let go of me!"

"No," Clarke said sternly.

"Clarke, I do not have feelings for you, and I'm losing my patience. You know who I have feelings for, and I can assure you that she is it for me. I don't like you like that, so back off," the brunette snapped.

Clarke tried not to let her hurt show through at the prospect of being turned down. She couldn't believe that Lexa didn't return her feelings when she had been so sure only a week ago that the other girl did. The almost kiss underneath the bleachers. The smiles that seemed to be reserved just for the blonde. That couldn't just be friendship, could it? Clarke would be damned if she didn't find out. "Okay. Maybe I shouldn't have kissed you like that. I thought that you felt the same way about me, and I'm sorry if I misread things," Clarke said, taking a step closer to her roommate, "but the thing is, Lexa, that I don't think I did. I think you do have feelings for me, whether you like it or not."

Lexa's nostrils flared, and Clarke could see that, true to her word, her roommate was losing her patience quick. "Don't make this harder than it already is, Clarke. I can't have feelings for you, and I don't."

"Why can't you have feelings for me?" Clarke pressed on.

"Because I love Costia, okay? Not you. I'd be betraying her if I let myself have feelings for someone else, and I will _not_ do that."

Understanding dawned on Clarke's face when she realized what this was all about. Lexa thought that she would be betraying Costia if she ever had feelings for anyone else. The blonde knew that there would most likely be no arguing with her roommate on the subject, but that didn't mean that she couldn't try. "Lexa, you're not betraying Costia. To like someone else would not be a betrayal to her."

That's when Lexa exploded, shoving Clarke away from her. "Yes, it would be! Don't even try to tell me otherwise, Clarke, because you know _nothing_ about this. You may have lost your father, but you have no idea what it's like to lose a lover. You don't understand at all!"

Clarke caught herself on one of the stacks of boxes against the wall and turned her eyes back up to Lexa. The brunette looked wilder than Clarke had ever seen her, and she was suddenly a little afraid of what the other girl might do. She hadn't stormed out of the room, which Clarke took to be a good sign, but maybe Anya was right, and Lexa needed more space than Clarke had given her so far. Underneath all of the fury that was displayed so prominently on Lexa's face, Clarke thought that she could detect an almost tortured look, and she wished she knew how to help her roommate. But Lexa was right. Clarke didn't know what it was like to lose a lover, and she thought that it would be best if she just left the other girl up here for a while to cool down.

Clarke began to walk past the brunette, making her way to the door, but just as she was about to open it, she found herself being spun around and shoved up hard against the wall, and suddenly, Lexa's lips were on hers. Clarke was so shocked that it took her a couple of seconds to kiss back, but when she did, she felt all of Lexa's anger being poured out into the kiss, leaving the brunette bit by bit.

Clarke was overcome by the feeling of Lexa's lips against hers. She grabbed the neckline of the brunette's shirt, pulling her roommate flush against her. Lexa's fingers came up to tangle in blond hair, pulling hard, but Clarke didn't care. She didn't even care when their teeth clashed, and she smiled into the kiss, biting down on Lexa's plump bottom lip, something that she had subconsciously wanted to do since she met the brunette. Clarke wanted the kiss to go on forever, but after a few more seconds, Lexa pulled away.

"I'm sorry," Lexa said immediately, running her hand nervously through her hair. "I shouldn't have done that."

Clarke couldn't stop a teasing smirk from settling on her lips. "So you do return my feelings."

Lexa hesitated, biting on the lip that Clarke had bitten mere seconds ago, which only made the blonde want to bite it again, harder. She brushed this thought away though when she saw her roommate nod ever so slightly.

"Listen, Lexa. I know you think that you're betraying Costia, but you're not," Clarke said sincerely, hoping that her roommate would believe her this time. "I know I don't know anything about losing a lover, but I do know that Costia would want you to move on. She loved you, and she would want you to be happy, which means that she would never want you to be caught up on her for the rest of your life when she can no longer be there for you."

As Clarke talked, she began to run her fingers through Lexa's long brunette curls, and she was surprised when her roommate not only allowed it, but actually leaned into the touch. A relieved smile spread across Clarke's face. It seemed that she and Lexa were through the worst of this fight or whatever it had been that had just gone on between them and that they could go back to being friends again. Clarke hoped that they might be able to be even more than friends now that their feelings were out in the open.

A tear slipped from Lexa's eye when she finally looked back up at Clarke again. "What if I can't help it?"

The blonde gave her roommate a sad smile. "Then, there's nothing that you can do. But I think that you canhelp it. The fact that you kissed me right now proves it to me. You _can_ move on, Lexa, and you and I both know that Costia would want you to. She wouldn't want you to be miserable because of her."

Lexa just leaned into Clarke, and the blonde gently lowered herself to the ground, pulling her roommate with her. Clarke looped her arm around the other girl and simply continued to play with her hair as the brunette rested her head against Clarke's chest in silence. The blonde didn't mind the silence though. She knew that Lexa just needed someone to be patient with her right now, and Clarke was content to just hold the brunette for the rest of the night, if that's what she needed.

"I know she wouldn't." Lexa finally spoke up.

"Good," Clarke said softly, giving Lexa's arm a gentle squeeze. "We don't even have to be anything right now if you don't want to. We can just take things slow and see where we end up."

"Maybe I don't want to take things slow," Lexa said, so quietly that Clarke almost didn't hear her. The brunette paused for a moment before continuing, raising her voice a bit. "This attic was our special place. Mine and Costia's. We used to sneak up here all the time when we wanted to be alone because no one could ever find us up here. No one ever even thought to look. The only reason that Anya knew about it was because she followed us one time, but that's beside the point. Costia and I used to sit up here for hours on end, and that's why I still come up here when I want to be alone. It's the one place that I can still really feel close to her, and that's why I've been spending time up here this week. I wanted to let her know that I might be moving on, but I thought that she wouldn't accept that. Now, I know that it's me who didn't want to accept that because I was afraid to have feelings for someone else, but you were right. Costia would want me to be happy, and she would want us to be together, so will you be my girlfriend, Clarke?"

Clarke couldn't stop herself from smiling and answering right away. "Of course."

Lexa smiled that smile that Clarke adored so much and leaned over to reattach their lips. Clarke immediately deepened the kiss, lying back on the ground and pulling Lexa on top of her, desperate to feel the weight of the brunette against her. Lexa growled into Clarke's mouth at the feeling, and the blonde ran her hands under the other girl's shirt, clutching tightly to her back. When the brunette moaned into her mouth, Clarke rolled them over, knocking hard into a small end table. She pulled back in surprise as a book fell off of it, landing mere inches from Lexa's face and causing the brunette to flinch hard.

Clarke blushed, looking down at her girlfriend with a sheepish grin. "Sorry."

"You're fine," Lexa said, breathing heavily as she stared up at Clarke.

"Maybe we should go back to our room before one of us gets hurt," Clarke suggested. "There's way too much stuff up here."

Lexa nodded, and Clarke rolled off of her, allowing the brunette to get up and extend a hand down to her blond roommate, helping the other girl off of the floor as well. Neither one of them let go of the other's hand as they made their way down the stairs. However, the minute they pushed out into the hallway, Lexa let go. Clarke shot her a questioning look, but the brunette said nothing, walking brusquely to their room, and Clarke hurried after her. Once the door was shut, she turned to Lexa, wondering what on earth the other girl was up to now. "Why'd you let go?"

"I don't think I'm ready for people to know about us yet," Lexa admitted quietly.

Clarke's brows furrowed in confusion. Lexa was the one who had insisted that they become girlfriends, so the blonde was a little lost as to what this could be about. "Why not? What harm would it do? People already know that you're, you know."

Lexa couldn't stop a laugh from escaping though her lips. "It's not that I don't want people to know I'm gay, Clarke. The whole school probably knows that. It's just that I don't want people to know I'm moving on from Costia yet. I'm getting much better, that's for sure, but I'm not perfect yet, and I don't want people to start expecting me to be."

"I don't think that anyone would suddenly have new expectations of you just because you're going out with me now, LW, but it's fine. I don't mind keeping this between us for now," Clarke said sincerely.

"Thank you so much for this. You're the best." Lexa smiled widely and leaned over to place a kiss on Clarke's cheek.

The blonde just nodded in response, and Lexa shot her a teasing smirk. "You're not going to start avoiding me over that kiss now, are you?"

Clarke shook her head, a laugh bubbling up through her lips, and she was relieved that Lexa was joking around with her again. She almost couldn't believe that Lexa was her girlfriend, something she had thought impossible just earlier that day. She was so happy about this new development, even if the brunette wasn't ready to tell anyone about it yet. Clarke was perfectly fine with taking things in this brand new relationship at whatever pace Lexa wanted to, not wanting to do anything that might make her roommate uncomfortable. She was just glad that the drama between the two of them was finally behind them.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good afternoon, Clexakru! I've decided to finally give you guys a break from the angst, so this is a very lighthearted chapter, and it is an extra long one as well. I hope you enjoy it! :)

Lexa tapped her pencil against her desk as the teacher droned on and on about something or other in the front of the classroom. She looked at the clock, but she felt as if the clock had broken, or maybe she was just in some alternate universe where time had stopped moving entirely, leaving her in this boring class forever. This class had already been going on for long enough, and even though there were only ten minutes left, Lexa was already pretty restless. She felt as if tiny ants were crawling under her skin, and she just needed to get up and do something, anything really, to shake them out.

Lexa couldn't wait until the bell rang because that meant that it was time for lunch with Clarke, her girlfriend. Lexa didn't think that she would ever get tired of that. Although she had been furious at first, she was now really glad that Clarke had come up to talk to her in the attic. If the blonde hadn't knocked some sense into her, Lexa would still be making herself absolutely miserable by avoiding Clarke. She had hated every minute spent away from the girl who had so quickly become a part of her, but her fear of moving on from Costia, the only girl that she had ever loved, had been greater. Lexa knew that Clarke had probably been disappointed in her for all of her time spent pushing the blonde away, and she knew that she needed to make an effort to talk things out with her roommate the next time that something upset her. She knew that it would be hard, considering her history of pushing everyone away whenever she was hurting, but she knew that she needed to make an effort for Clarke.

After a few more minutes of pretending to pay attention and jotting down a few notes that were actually just absentminded doodles, the bell rang, and Lexa sprang out of her seat, walking out into the crowded hallway. She growled in frustration as she tried to push through a swarm of people, hating the suffocated feeling that this hallway always provided her with.

Once she finally had her lunch in hand, Lexa made her way out of the school, and she walked across the grass to her and Clarke's normal spot under the bleachers. While Lexa had been going to dinner every night with the house as of late, she and the blonde still ate under the bleachers, deciding not to break what had become a tradition. Besides, Lexa couldn't say that she minded having a nice break from the school day with the blonde all to herself.

When Lexa got under the bleachers, she found Clarke already there waiting for her. She sat down beside the blonde, and she was a little bit surprised when the other girl immediately scooted closer to place a quick kiss on her lips. When Clarke pulled back, Lexa could tell that her roommate was gauging her reaction, and so Lexa allowed herself to smile, knowing that she was probably blushing and noting that she didn't particularly mind. She also found that she didn't mind how Clarke was sitting so close to her that their knees were touching. Lexa was amazed that she was sitting here with someone who wasn't Costia and feeling these things that she never thought she would feel again. While she had been wary of this before, she was now beginning to understand that it wasn't necessarily a bad thing to have feelings for someone else.

"How was your algebra 2 class?" Clarke asked.

"Boring as ever," Lexa responded, shuddering at just the thought of the class. Then again, she realized that she hadn't really heard a word that the teacher had said. "Well, actually I didn't pay attention, so we could have had the most riveting lecture today, and I would be none the wiser."

"Maybe you should start paying attention then." Clarke nudged her shoulder playfully.

Lexa scoffed at even the suggestion of the thing, knowing that she would never be able to pay attention in a math class, but she thought that maybe the blonde actually wanted her to try. She decided to give a neutral answer, so as not to disappoint her girlfriend. "Maybe. How was lit?"

Clarke shrugged. "Not too bad. We had a really easy quiz, and then we discussed the book that we just started reading."

"Sounds fun," Lexa said sarcastically. "I can't wait to get to that class."

"I know it's a little old for your taste, but I actually happen to like the book so far, so you can stop right there with your sarcasm," Clarke mock-threatened, and Lexa let out a chuckle. "But I guess I can't take it too personally. You hate every class."

Lexa suddenly felt a bit self-conscious, realizing that her sarcastic comment might have just disappointed the blonde anyway. She knew that Clarke really liked most of her classes, and Lexa didn't mean to let her girlfriend down by not really caring much about any of her own. "Is that a bad thing?"

"Nah. Don't worry about it," Clarke said, waving her hand as if to say it didn't matter. "Octavia's exactly the same way. She cares much more about kickball than she does about school."

Lexa contemplated this for a moment, and she realized that she thought kickball was better than classes as well. She wondered who on earth wouldn't, but then again preferring something to being in class and caring about it more than class were two different things, and she knew that Clarke would never place winning a sporting event over getting good grades. Lexa couldn't say that she would either, even though her grades last year weren't exactly the greatest.

While she ate the rest of her lunch, Lexa listened to Clarke talk about something that had happened in her pre-calculus class earlier that day, and Lexa found the blonde's melodious voice to be peaceful. She didn't mind simply listening to her roommate talk, even if it was just about something that had happened to her earlier. If anyone else had tried to talk to Lexa about such a thing, she would immediately look for the quickest way out of the conversation, but with Clarke, it was different. With Clarke, she actually wanted to know.

Once they had both finished eating, Clarke leaned her head against Lexa's chest, and the brunette didn't tense up or even want to move away. She simply looped her arm around the other girl's waist, placing a gentle kiss to her head as they sat there in silence. Lexa found that she loved this feeling of Clarke resting against her, and she wondered why she had ever tried to avoid this.

As they sat together, Lexa noticed some men walking by, carrying some kind of equipment over to the huge field that was used for soccer and lacrosse, and she brightened when she remembered what it was for. She had completely forgotten that the annual fundraiser was today, and she was surprised that it hadn't been the topic of yesterday night's dinner conversation. She thought that perhaps it had been the topic of yesterday's lunch conversation instead, which she and Clarke would have missed due to sitting under the bleachers. Or maybe the others had simply forgotten, like Lexa had.

Clarke pointed out at the men and looked up at Lexa with curious blue eyes. "What's going on?"

"The fundraiser is today," Lexa replied. "I totally forgot all about it."

"The fundraiser?" Clarke echoed in confusion, and Lexa had to remind herself that Clarke hadn't been going to school at Polis for years like the other members of Arkadia had. Lexa realized that she had gotten so used to the blonde at this point that it almost seemed like she _had_ been going there forever. It was a slightly scary thought, but Lexa did not find it to be a particularly unpleasant one.

"Yeah. The school holds one every year in order to raise money for different charities. This year, I think it's going to a children's hospital. They basically turn the field into a mini-carnival, and you pay twenty-five dollars to play little games and stuff," Lexa explained.

"Twenty-five dollars?" Clarke asked, sounding a bit shocked. "That's kind of expensive, Lexa."

"Like I said, it's for charity, and the school likes to raise a lot of money, although I will agree with you that it's kind of expensive just to go play games and stuff. You would think that most people wouldn't want to pay that much, right?" Lexa asked, and Clarke nodded her head. "Ah, but there's a catch. The fundraiser is held during the second half of school, so it's either go to the fundraiser or go to your last three classes, and when given that option, who wouldn't choose the fundraiser?"

"Smart." Clarke slowly nodded her head in agreement. "That's really smart."

"I agree, and it's not like the fundraiser's boring. I mean, you get to hang out with all your friends, and there's actually a lot to do there," Lexa said.

"Like what?" Clarke asked.

Lexa merely smiled at her. "You'll find out when you get there."

* * *

After lunch, Clarke and Lexa met up with their housemates, who were heading towards the field, to find that the fundraiser was all that anyone was talking about. Lexa smiled at how excited her friends were, and to be honest, she was kind of excited too. She hadn't been to the fundraiser since freshman year because she had skipped school altogether on this day last year. While they waited in line to get the purple wristbands that would grant them admittance into the event, Raven was already challenging people to compete with her.

"I bet I can beat you all at corn hole," Raven boasted.

"Corn hole, Raven? That's where we're starting?" Octavia threw her head back and groaned at Raven's affirmation, and Lexa got the impression that they either always started with corn hole, or Octavia simply did not like the game.

"I think corn hole's fun," Emori protested, "and it's definitely a lot harder than it looks. I'd love to take you up on your challenge, Raven, but I'll warn you, I'm going to win."

Raven just narrowed her eyes at the other girl. "We'll see about that."

True to her word, Raven led them all, minus Jasper and Monty who went to hang out with their girlfriends, over to the corn hole section the minute they got their wristbands. Raven and Emori set up to play first, and Lexa stood off to the side with the rest of Arkadia House to watch. She noticed Bellamy and Octavia taking bets out of the corner of her eye, and she couldn't say that she was particularly surprised. She found that she was getting to know the two of them better than she ever had before this year, and she knew that it was all because of Clarke. When Emori and Raven began to play, Lexa's focus shifted to them, and she had to admit that they were both pretty great. Both girls threw their first two bean bags right into the hole, and Lexa watched on with slight awe.

For the last shot, the pressure was on, and Raven threw first, her bag arcing through the air but coming to rest too far to the left, landing on the side of the board rather than in the hole. Emori stepped up next, gritting her teeth in concentration as she threw her own bag. Lexa thought it felt rather as if time slowed down as everyone's eyes tracked Emori's bag on its arc through the air. Time began to flow at normal speed again when the bag landed right in the hole, declaring Emori the winner. Lexa cheered along with everyone else, but Octavia was, by far, the loudest.

"Ha! Looks like you owe me twenty bucks, Bell," she shouted.

"Damn," Bellamy grumbled, grabbing a twenty-dollar bill from his pocket and handing it to his sister.

"You two bet on this? And you bet against me?!" Raven looked at Octavia with a betrayed expression.

Octavia just shrugged. "I saw Emori play last year. I don't think I've ever seen her miss, so I figured that my odds were better if I picked her."

Raven wandered over to her boyfriend and leaned against him. "At least someone was on my side."

"Always," he said, leaning down to kiss her.

Lexa squirmed at the sight, not because it made her uncomfortable or anything of that sort, but because it made her jealous. She suddenly found herself wishing that she could kiss Clarke like that, out in the open, and she realized that the only reason that she couldn't was because of herself. She was the one who insisted on keeping their relationship a secret, and she found her thoughts warring with each other now. She didn't want people to expect her to be just as she had been before losing Costia now that she had Clarke, and she didn't really want to have to talk to anyone about how she was moving on from Costia either. She also wanted to make sure that this thing with Clarke was actually going to work for more than four days before she told everyone in the house about it. She didn't want every single person to know if it was just going to crumble in the first week. However, she knew that it would be hard to keep this a secret until she was ready to tell everyone about it. She was pulled back to the present by the feel of Clarke tugging at her arm, and she noticed that Raven and Bellamy were now playing against each other before turning her attention to the girl beside her.

"What do you say? Play with me?" Clarke asked.

Lexa smiled and nodded, moving over to stand next to Raven and Bellamy. Lexa tried her best to focus, and she thought she kept her concentration pretty well. Two out of three of her bags went into the hole, and she considered that to be pretty good, surprised that she had done as well as Raven had. When she looked over to see how her roommate had done, she saw that all three of the bags had come nowhere near the hole.

Lexa tried her best to keep from laughing, but she knew that a small chuckle still escaped from her lips. "I think it's safe to assume that I won."

Clarke shoved her playfully. "Shut up. I've never played before."

Lexa's mouth dropped open in shock. "Not even as a child?"

"I've never been to a carnival before," Clarke admitted with a shrug.

"Clarke!" Lexa exclaimed in disbelief. "Even I've been to carnivals."

"Not me," Clarke stated simply.

Lexa was about to protest more, but she was pulled to attention by Anya telling her that they were moving on to something different. Lexa and Clarke followed the group, and it didn't take them long to figure out where they were going because Octavia and Raven would not shut up about the three-legged race.

Bellamy, however, did not share in their enthusiasm. "Come on, O, please no. I am terrible at the three-legged race."

"Oh, stop whining, Bellamy. You're just afraid you'll lose because Raven and I make the perfect team," Octavia said smugly.

"I probably will," Bellamy admitted.

Lincoln nudged his shoulder. "Don't say that, Bellamy. Let's show our girlfriends that we can kick their asses."

"Not if we kick yours first," Octavia shot back.

Lexa's attention was finally drawn away from the bickering siblings when she noticed Anya come up beside her. "Lex, I'm going to team up with Emori. Are you going to be okay with Clarke?"

Lexa took note of the worry on Anya's face with slight confusion until she remembered that the older blonde had talked to Clarke last week when Lexa had been avoiding her, and the brunette realized that Anya was just making sure that her friend wouldn't be uncomfortable being paired with her roommate. Lexa had to say that she was happy that Anya was looking out for her, and she nodded. "Of course. That's fine."

Anya nodded back. "It's good to hear that you worked out whatever it is that was bothering you."

Lexa smiled at her friend, but before she could respond, Emori came up and pulled Anya away to get ready for the race. Lexa smiled and shook her head at her friends, really happy to have them back in her life, before turning back to Clarke, who was watching the people who were racing at the moment with a nervous look on her face. Lexa still could not believe that the other girl had never played these kinds of games before, but she put a hand on the blonde's arm to try to calm her down nonetheless. Clarke jumped when Lexa touched her, clearly having been completely lost in her thoughts, and the brunette looked at her quizzically. "You okay?"

Clarke swallowed thickly, not exactly responding to her girlfriend's question. "This looks hard."

"Oh, it is hard," Lexa affirmed, "but don't worry about it if we lose. It's almost impossible to beat Octavia and Raven anyway."

Clarke gave a half-hearted smile. "I suppose it could be fun."

Lexa could tell that her roommate really didn't want to participate in this event for some reason, probably because she was afraid she was going to embarrass herself in front of everyone, and the brunette was just about to announce to her housemates that the two of them would be sitting this event out when the people who had previously been racing returned and began to hand the ropes off to the members of Arkadia House. Lexa accepted the rope from one of the members of one of the other houses, and she turned to Clarke with a questioning look. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

Clarke nodded, but she didn't look so sure. Lexa knew that there was no way that Clarke was going to back down now because she didn't want her friends to think she was a chicken, so Lexa tried her best to reassure her girlfriend. "Clarke, even if you are so terrible that we can barely make it past the starting line, I will still think that you're absolutely adorable. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. I could never be embarrassed by you."

Clarke looked up at her with a smile and a nice pink blush and nodded. Lexa took this as her cue to tie their legs together, tying her left leg securely to Clarke's right, in order to leave both of their dominant legs free. When Lexa stood up, she barely had time to shoot Clarke a small smile before Octavia yelled, "On your mark, get set, go!"

Lexa and Clarke took off running, and Lexa tried her best to match her pace with Clarke's in order to accommodate for the blonde's lack of experience. Lexa had to admit that they were doing better than she had thought they would. Even though they were moving kind of slowly, they were barely behind Bellamy and Lincoln. That was, until about halfway through the race when Clarke lost her footing and stumbled, crashing to the ground and bringing Lexa down with her, the brunette landing half on top of her.

Lexa rolled off of her girlfriend immediately. "I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, LW." Clarke smiled up at the other girl. "You don't have to apologize to me. I mean, I was the one who fell, so it's not like you could really help falling with me. I'm just wondering though, how we are supposed to get up?"

Lexa pointed at the other end of the field where the other three teams had finished the race, and the victorious Octavia and Raven were already leading the way back to the starting line. "We can just untie ourselves. The race is over."

"No, you can't," Raven spoke up before Lexa could even move a muscle. "Bellamy challenged us to a rematch, even though he'll never beat us, so we're going again. We'll help you up."

Raven grabbed onto Lexa's arm, and Bellamy grabbed Clarke's, the both of them helping the two girls back to their feet, and Clarke turned to look at her friends with a petulant look. "Why do we have to go again? I'm horrible at this."

"Because this loser here," Raven said, gesturing to her boyfriend, "thinks he can beat us, and we need to put him in his place."

"We'll do better this time." Lexa tried to cheer her girlfriend up a little.

Clarke simply huffed, and the two of them awkwardly made their way back to the starting line to race again. Once everyone was gathered around the starting line, Octavia gave them their signal again, and they were off. Clarke and Lexa were still in last place, but they managed to stay on their feet this time, and they actually got to cross the finish line. Lexa wasn't really at all surprised that she had lost, but she was extremely surprised that Emori and Anya had won this time. The two girls cheered obnoxiously loudly and hugged each other in celebration.

"No fair. I want a rematch," Raven whined.

"Come on, Rae. Other people are waiting for this, and we've already raced twice." Clarke pointed back to where a line had formed to wait for the three-legged race. Lexa noticed that the students who had been waiting there the longest looked kind of annoyed. "Let's go do something else."

"Fine," Raven huffed, rolling her eyes.

"At least we got to win once." Octavia reassured her roommate. "Unlike some people," she added with a pointed teasing smirk in her brother's direction.

"Hey, I heard that," Bellamy said.

As the others started to untie their legs, Clarke kicked out her leg that was tied to her roommate's, and Lexa, not expecting to have her leg yanked out from under her, fell on her ass in the grass. Clarke fell along with her, falling partially onto Lexa's lap. She kept her head where it was lying against Lexa's chest, and the brunette couldn't say that the feeling was an unwelcome one. She really wanted to wrap her arms around the blonde and kiss her head, but she couldn't with the others so close. Instead, she looked down at Clarke with a knowing look. "You did that on purpose."

"Maybe," Clarke said in a sultry voice, removing her head from where it rested against Lexa, "but they don't have to know that."

Lexa cleared her throat and tried to keep herself from blushing at the tone of Clarke's voice. "I guess I should untie us then," she mumbled, trying to put all of her focus into removing the rope from where it wound around their legs like a snake.

"Where should we go next?" Anya asked after they had all handed their ropes off to the people who were next in line.

"How about we go horseback riding?" Lincoln suggested. "That's always one of the funnest things here."

Lexa nodded in agreement along with everyone else. Well, everyone other than Clarke, who was looking at the rest of them in confusion. "They have horseback riding?"

"Every year. It's over there." Lexa pointed to the other end of the field, where the horses were being kept, wondering how Clarke hadn't seen them before. She realized that this must have been a little overwhelming for the blonde, especially since she had never previously been exposed to this stuff, and Lexa mentally smacked herself for not telling her girlfriend about it earlier. "I'm guessing you've never ridden a horse before either?"

"That would be correct." Clarke nodded in confirmation. "It should be exciting to learn though."

When they reached the horses, the others all chose one and hopped on, getting right to riding around the little area that had been fenced off for riding horses, but Lexa hung back with Clarke as the blonde looked up at her own horse, clearly unsure as to how to get on.

Lexa gestured to the stirrup. "Put your foot in there to boost yourself up."

Clarke nodded, obeying Lexa's instructions, and the brunette grabbed her sides to give her an extra push. Clarke clutched onto the saddle, clearly not knowing where to go from there. Lexa remembered when she herself had first learned to ride freshman year. Anya and Emori had already known how to ride, but Lexa and Costia had not been afraid to learn. Plus, they had the help of one of the trainers, but right now, both of the trainers that had come to the event were occupied with some of the freshmen, so Clarke was on her own. The blonde tried to pull herself the rest of the way up, but she lost her balance and fell backwards into Lexa, who quickly caught her around the waist and lowered her back to the ground.

"Clarke, be careful," Lexa said.

"You know what? Maybe I shouldn't try this," Clarke said in a discouraged tone. "I'm honestly a little afraid anyway, so I'll just watch."

Lexa shook her head. "You don't have to just wait on everyone else, Clarke. How about you ride with me?"

"But what about…?" Clarke trailed off, looking over to where the others were already riding.

"Trust me. If they were here with you instead, they'd be offering the same thing," Lexa said, and she knew that was true.

Clarke tried her best not to smile. "I don't know how to take that."

"Take it as my insistence that you ride with me."

Clarke playfully rolled her eyes. "Well, if you insist."

Lexa expertly mounted the horse, sending a smirk down in the blonde's direction, and she was met with another roll of blue eyes. Then, Clarke placed her foot in the stirrup again to boost herself up, and this time, Lexa was there to pull her the rest of the way. Soon, Clarke was sitting in front of Lexa, and the brunette tried not to blush at the feel of her roommate's back against her front. She grabbed the reins and got the horse to start moving at a steady trot, careful not to go too fast, for Clarke's sake. However, even at the slow pace they were going, Lexa could feel the blonde tensing up. She brought her right hand, still holding the rein, to rest on Clarke's waist, hoping to comfort her girlfriend a little. She smiled when she felt Clarke instantly relax, and she rested her cheek against soft blond hair as she guided the horse in small circles, trying to keep a good distance between their horse and the horses that their friends were riding on. This only worked for all of about ten minutes though because soon enough, Raven was guiding her own horse over to meet them, the others following behind, and Lexa wondered what it was that the other girl was up to, knowing that it probably wouldn't be good.

"Hey, guys, we're going to race," Raven announced. "Are you in?"

Lexa immediately looked down to the blonde, unsure of whether her roommate would be comfortable with going at any other speed than the one that they had currently been going, and she was surprised when the blonde gave her a slight nod that, as far as Lexa could tell, was genuine.

"Yeah, we're in," Lexa confirmed. "Where are we racing to?"

"From here to the fence?" Octavia pointed to the fence that was on the far side of the horse-riding area.

Lexa nodded. "Sounds fair."

"What's unfair is you competing in this race, Lexa," Anya complained, elaborating further when Lexa shot her a confused look. "You can't ride with a teammate."

"I'm not," Lexa protested. "Clarke's not helping me in any way. She's just sitting here. She doesn't even know how to ride."

"Yeah, I'm just along for the ride." Clarke raised her hands up in surrender.

Anya looked like she wanted to argue more, but Lincoln spoke up before she could. "You guys are fine."

At Octavia's signal, Lexa brought her horse to a run, and Clarke clutched tightly to her thigh, letting the brunette know that she was frightened again, but Lexa was currently in the lead, so she didn't ease up on the reins. She knew that it was a short race and that they weren't actually in any danger, despite what Clarke might think, and so the blonde would have to hang in there for a little bit longer. When Lexa was almost to the fence, she watched in horror as Lincoln pulled ahead of her and got there first.

Lexa turned to him in shock. "Damn it, Lincoln. I thought I had it."

"That's just what I wanted you to think." Lincoln gave her a teasing smirk. "Don't get too cocky until you've actually won. You never know when someone might be waiting just behind you to pull ahead and take the lead."

Lincoln shot her a wink, and Lexa huffed, about to argue more when she felt Clarke rub soothing circles on her thigh, and she suddenly lost her train of thought. The brunette subtly squeezed Clarke's hip, and it was as if they had entered their own little world until Octavia looked down at her watch and brought Lexa back to the present. "Oh, man. There's only thirty minutes left. You know what that means."

Lexa nodded her head along with the others and followed as they began to make their way back to the other side of the horse area, where the trainers would take the horses from them and either pass them on to other students who were waiting or tie them to the makeshift wooden posts that were sticking out of the ground. As Lexa's horse easily trotted with the others, she contemplated on whether or not she was going to participate in the last event this year that everyone seemed so excited about. She had competed with Costia in her freshman year, and she didn't think that it was an experience that she would ever want to repeat.

"What does that mean?" Clarke finally spoke aloud, once they were all off of their horses.

"Every year, at the end of the fundraiser, there's a pie-eating contest." Raven was quick to explain. "Almost everyone participates, and this year, it's gonna be epic because I'm gonna win."

Anya scoffed. "In your dreams, Reyes. There's no way that you can beat me."

Clarke's face brightened at the idea of this new activity. "Eating pie? Finally, something I can do."

"I think I'll just watch on this one," Lexa said.

"What?!" Emori gasped, followed by several others.

Lexa should have known that they would react this way, and she was just about to explain how she did not want a huge stomach ache after this when Lincoln sided with her. "I think I'm with Lexa on this one. I competed in this event for two years now, and I think I'm finally done putting myself through that torture."

"Party poopers," Bellamy muttered.

"I think I'm going to do it," Clarke said, excitement shining in her eyes. "I've never been in a pie-eating contest before. I thought that was something they just did on TV."

"Good for you, Clarke." Raven patted her friend on the back. "You won't regret it."

"You probably will," Lexa said. She knew she sure as hell had regretted it in her first year, but clearly, the other members of the house hadn't shared in her regret, or they simply didn't care. They were a competitive bunch, after all.

"Not if you win," Raven argued.

"I'm not passing up free pie,' Clarke whispered to Lexa, "but don't worry. I'm not looking to win, so I'll just eat one or two and then bow out."

Lexa shot Clarke a skeptical look, but the blonde had already been pulled into conversation with Raven again. When they reached the many tables that had been set up for the contest, Lexa and Lincoln hung off to the side as the rest of their housemates, Jasper and Monty included, started to eat. Despite Clarke's previous claim to only eat her fill, Lexa watched as her girlfriend ate pie after pie after pie, clearly wanting to keep up with Raven, who was sitting next to her. Lexa just shook her head at the girl and decided to cheer for her, as Lincoln was cheering for Octavia beside her.

Octavia was the first one from Arkadia to bow out, and Lexa watched on as their other housemates began to follow. Next out was Anya, and then Bellamy, and then Monty, and then Raven, despite her previous claim to be winning this year. Clarke finally allowed herself to stop eating after Raven, having successfully beaten the brunette, and she cheered when she found out that she had made it into the top ten. Lexa cheered for the blonde as well, but she thought that her girlfriend must have eaten close to ten pies, and she felt sick to her stomach just thinking about it.

When the contest was only down to three more people, Lexa was surprised to see that two of them were from her own house: Jasper and Emori. When the contest finally ended, Emori was the last one standing, having eaten exactly ten pies in total. Lexa and Lincoln cheered loudly for their housemate who had won the trophy for the contest this year.

"That's really amazing!" Lexa exclaimed. "That's a lot of pies."

"Way too many," Lincoln agreed, "but it's great that someone from Arkadia won again this year."

Lexa nodded in agreement. Jasper had won the previous year, and it seemed that Arkadia was the reigning champion again now that Emori had won. Lexa chatted with Lincoln for a little while longer until she noticed a very sick-looking Clarke making her way over to them.

"I now see why you didn't want to participate," Clarke said.

"I thought you were only going to eat one or two." Lexa shot her roommate a teasing smirk.

"I was, but then I had to beat Raven. God, I feel so sick." Clarke clutched at her stomach.

Lexa reached out a hand to run comfortingly up and down Clarke's arm. "You want to go back to the house, roomie?"

Clarke nodded, and Lexa turned back to Lincoln. "Well, I'm heading back to the house."

"We'll probably all be joining you soon." Lincoln pulled Octavia, who had just wandered over, into his arms as she slumped against him.

Lexa smiled in amusement at the sight of her housemates. "Something tells me it's going to be a quiet night."

"Something tells me we're going to be the only two at dinner tonight." Lincoln's eyes twinkled.

Lexa laughed out loud at his statement, knowing that it was definitely true. "I'll see you later, Lincoln."

* * *

Shortly after arriving at the house, Clarke collapsed into her bed and promptly fell asleep, and so Lexa made her way over to her side of the room to do her homework. When it was time for dinner, she quickly checked on the blonde, who was still passed out, before quietly slipping out the door and going downstairs to a nice peaceful dinner for just her and Lincoln. She really enjoyed her time spent with the older boy, joking about the state of their housemates and remembering the first time that the two of them competed. He carefully skirted around the topic of his sister, knowing that it was still a touchy subject for Lexa, but the brunette brought her former girlfriend up anyway, knowing that there was no way to talk about that particular memory without the other girl in it. Lincoln seemed pleasantly surprised at this new development, and Lexa felt happy after having spent the evening with him.

When she got back to her room, she found that Clarke was finally awake, and she made her way to sit down on the edge of the blonde's bed. Lexa noticed how pale her girlfriend was looking, and she ran her hand gently over the slight swell of the other girl's stomach, knowing that the blonde was probably going to be sick soon if she had eaten enough pie to cause her stomach to be slightly extended.

"Hey, sleepyhead." Lexa smiled softly down at her roommate.

"I ate way too much pie," Clarke groaned.

"Oh, I know, but it's okay, roomie. You'll be fine," Lexa murmured soothingly, gently rubbing the blonde's stomach.

Clarke swatted her hand away. "Don't do that. You're making it worse."

Lexa moved her hand to stroke Clarke's hair instead. "Sorry."

"Much better." Clarke sighed at the feeling, clearly enjoying it, and so Lexa kept it up.

"I warned you, Clarke," she said. "I know exactly what it's like to get caught up in the competition. It happened to me and Costia freshman year. We were competing with Anya and Emori, and we ate more than we should have, though not as much as you, and we ended up, well, just like this." Lexa paused, smiling to herself as she got lost in the memory. "It's funny because even though I felt like shit, I still forced myself to sit by Costia's bedside and take care of her."

"You're doing it," Clarke commented with a small smile. "That's good."

Lexa's brows furrowed in confusion. "You lost me there, Clarke. Doing what?"

"Talking about Costia," the blonde replied. "You said you never do, but you talked about her up in the attic a bit and again just now, and this time, you were even smiling. That means you're getting better."

Lexa realized that the blonde was right. She had just been talking about Costia, and while doing so was normally extremely painful, Lexa had been smiling when she had just been doing it seconds ago. She hadn't been able to remember Costia in a happy light in a long time, all of her memories tinged by sadness ever since the other girl had died, but she had been happy when recalling their time at the fundraiser with Lincoln and with Clarke. She had finally been able to look back on a great memory of her and Costia with happiness, and she knew that she would never be able to thank Clarke enough for helping her to get to this point. She wanted to shower the blonde with kisses, but she didn't think that her roommate would appreciate that right now.

"I couldn't have done it without you," Lexa said truthfully.

"I wish I could be more congratulating right now," Clarke said, and Lexa could tell that she really meant it.

"You're fine. It's great just having you here," Lexa admitted, and Clarke smiled up at her.

The smile was short-lived though as Clarke's eyes widened. Suddenly, she was shooting off the bed and running down the hallway faster than Lexa had seen her move since the contest, maybe even faster than Lexa had seen her move ever, and the brunette followed after her at a brusque pace, knowing exactly where she was heading. Lexa crouched down beside her on the cold tile floor, holding back her roommate's blond curls as the other girl emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet. Lexa rubbed soothing circles on the blonde's back as she threw up, and when Clarke was finally finished puking, the brunette grabbed a tissue and gently wiped her girlfriend's mouth with it before flushing down the contents of the toilet. Clarke collapsed tiredly against her, closing her eyes, and Lexa simply held her for a moment.

"I'm sorry you had to see that," Clarke mumbled.

"It's fine," Lexa said, brushing off the unnecessary apology. The brunette knew that she should have found the sight of her roommate puking to be gross, but Lexa couldn't say that she was particularly put off by it. This was Clarke after all, and Lexa was starting to feel like she would go to the ends of the earth for this girl and that there was nothing that Clarke could ever say or do that would make Lexa cease to love her. Lexa quickly backtracked in her thoughts, wondering if it were actually possible for her to love Clarke already, but she quickly brushed the thought aside, knowing that this would be no time to discuss such things with the blonde, who was already falling asleep against her.

"Let's get you back to bed." Lexa gently lifted Clarke off of the ground and carried her the short distance back to their room, lying the blonde out on her bed. The other girl had yet to open her eyes, and Lexa thought that her roommate must have fallen asleep. She leaned down to place a gentle kiss on Clarke's forehead, and hazy blue eyes fluttered open at the contact as Lexa stood up again.

"I hate you," Clarke said quietly.

Lexa's heart plummeted.

Clarke hated her? She knew all of this was too good to be true, that Clarke would never want someone like her, but the blonde had seemed so serious. Lexa wondered if the other girl had ever even liked her at all, or if maybe this had all been some grand scheme to get back at her for being so rude, and if that was what this was, Lexa had to admit that it had been a good plan. She knew that her mind was making up improbable scenarios, but all she could think about was the fact that Clarke hated her, and so she couldn't help but wonder if any of what had gone on between them had even been real at all. Lexa was seriously hurt at the thought, and she turned away, feeling the unmistakable burn at the back of her eyes that meant tears were on their way. However, before she could even take a step in the direction of her bed, she felt a hand wrap lightly around her wrist, and she looked back down at her roommate.

"Don't leave me," Clarke whispered with a smirk.

Instantly, Lexa was reminded of when she had said the exact same thing when she had been sick and had still been having conflicting feelings about the blonde. She would have been touched at the fact that Clarke had remembered, if she hadn't been so scared just now that the blonde had been serious.

"Don't do that." Lexa lightly smacked Clarke's arm. "You seriously scared me. I thought that you really hated me this whole time and that this thing between us was just one big revenge plot."

Clarke shook her head. "No. I lo-like you, Lexa. I swear."

The blond girl flushed red at her slip-up, and Lexa decided to pretend that she hadn't noticed it. She thought that Clarke had been about to say that she loved Lexa, but the brunette didn't want to ask about it and then be wrong because that would be all kinds of awkward. Besides, Lexa honestly wasn't sure that she was completely ready to say it back yet, so she was kind of relieved that Clarke had changed her mind. The fact that the blonde hadn't gone through with it most likely mean that she wasn't ready either, so Lexa simply let it slide.

"I know, roomie. I like you too," Lexa assured her girlfriend. "Now, get some rest."

"Please cuddle with me?" Clarke looked up at Lexa with her big pleading blue eyes, and the brunette knew that she didn't have a chance of refusing the blonde.

She knew that anyone could walk in and see them, but she also knew that everyone in the house was as sick as Clarke was, so she doubted that there would be much movement for the rest of the day. Lexa climbed into the bed beside Clarke and curled into her girlfriend's side, careful not to put any weight on Clarke's aching stomach. The blonde wrapped her arm around Lexa, and within seconds, she was asleep. Lexa had never really cuddled with anyone like this since Costia, and she was only now realizing how much she had missed this. She wasn't tired yet, but she was content to just lie against her girlfriend's chest, simply listening to the sound of the blonde's steady heartbeat.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys, sorry that it took me longer than usual to get this out. I've been working on a presentation that I have to give for one of my literature classes this week. It's a fun one though. My topic is sexuality in science fiction, so I get to talk about Clexa a bit, and I'm kind of excited for that! Anyways, this chapter is a longer one, like the last one, and I think you will all enjoy it! :) Thank you for reading!

Lexa awoke to the sound of the door opening, and she sleepily realized that she must have fallen asleep in Clarke's arms. A second later, her eyes sprung open because whoever was about to walk in that door was going to see her and her roommate cuddling if she did not get up now. Thankfully, the door blocked the view of Clarke's bed when it opened, so Lexa had time to slip out from under the blonde's arm without waking her and sit up on the edge of the bed before Anya stepped through the doorway and saw her. She breathed out a sigh of relief because she did not want to explain to her best friend why she and Clarke had just been cuddling. Explaining why she was sitting at Clarke's bedside was going to be enough.

"What are you doing here?" Lexa hoped she didn't look flustered. "Are you feeling better?"

"Much better," Anya responded. "I know it's kind of late, but I just wanted to come in and check on you guys. Emori's still feeling awful, and I can see that Clarke's still down as well."

"Yeah, I just came over here to check on Clarke, but she's still out cold," Lexa lied smoothly, standing from the bed to walk back over to her side of the room.

Anya sat down on the edge of Lexa's bed. "I hope you don't mind if I hang out here for a little bit. I promise I won't stay long because you do look tired, but I'm not tired since I just had a good, long nap, and I just wanted to talk to someone for a few minutes."

"You can stay as long as you want to, An," Lexa moved to sit down beside her.

"It's really nice to see that you've been feeling better lately. You know, after you lost Costia, you were so different that I started to think that that was just who you were now, what her death made you into. I'm glad to see that's not true and that you're getting back to yourself," Anya said.

"It definitely does feel pretty great, but it's really all thanks to Clarke," Lexa admitted.

"Speaking of Clarke, what were you guys fighting about last week?"

"Nothing important." Lexa tried her best to sound casual.

Anya gave her a skeptical look, and Lexa tried not to flinch as she thought that Anya was going to press her for more information. She began to rack her brain for a lie that Anya might believe, and she sighed in relief when the other girl let it slide.

"So I've noticed that you and Clarke are getting really close lately," Anya commented.

Lexa glanced up at her friend, trying to gauge what the other girl had meant by that statement. She thought for a moment that Anya had somehow figured out what was really going on between her and Clarke, but her friend did not look knowing. She let out a breath that she didn't know she'd been holding when she realized that Anya had only meant that Lexa and Clarke had been getting closer in a friendship way. "Yes, we are."

"Why?" Anya asked. "Why her?"

Lexa did not miss the slight hurt that was in Anya's eyes. While she wasn't ready to tell Anya about her relationship with Clarke, Lexa raised her eyebrows at her best friend because as far as she was concerned, the other reason that Clarke had been able to get through to her should have been obvious. "You know why, Anya. She understood. She lost her father, so she had been in a similar situation to mine. She knew that I could get better. She was living proof of the fact, and she knew exactly how I felt and what to say. Besides, she never knew who I was when Costia was still alive, so she couldn't compare me to the person that I was before. I could only get better in her eyes."

"We would understand too, Lexa, if you'd let us in. If you'd just talk to us, we'd be able to know how you feel, for those of us who wouldn't know otherwise. Besides, we don't expect you to be exactly the way that you were before, you know. You lost someone that you were in love with, and that can change a person. We know that you might be different, and maybe you'll always be hurting, but I'm glad to see that you're talking to people and trying to be friends with everyone again," Anya paused before looking at Lexa with extreme sincerity in her brown eyes. "Just know this, Lexa. Just because you are better doesn't mean that you have to be exactly who you were before. Nobody expects you to be perfectly fine, just like that."

Lexa simply stared at her friend for a moment because somehow, the other girl had known what the brunette was afraid of. Somehow, she had seen the fear that Lexa had of everyone expecting her to be as good as new now that she had Clarke, and the brunette had to admit that she had forgotten just how good Anya knew her, maybe even better than she knew herself sometimes. She was relieved to hear that Anya didn't expect her to be the same person that she had been before. She wished that she could be sure that the rest of the house felt the same way, but she couldn't. Still, she was surprised that the only thing that seemed to matter to Anya was that Lexa was starting to feel happy again. Even after all of the time that Lexa had spent pushing her best friend away, Anya still cared about her.

"Thank you, Anya," Lexa said, and she knew that her gratitude probably played out in her eyes. "I am really trying to be the best that I can be though. I have to make up for being so horrible, you know?"

Anya smiled softly. "If Clarke is helping, then maybe you should let her in even more than you already have."

"What do you mean?" Lexa asked with a confused frown, feeling like she had already let her roommate in quite a bit already, although Anya didn't know that.

"I mean that maybe you should hang out with her like she wanted you to last week when you were blowing her off. Maybe you guys could go see a movie or something," Anya suggested.

Lexa smiled at the thought, and she had to stop herself from hugging Anya right then and there. A movie would be the perfect idea for a first date. Lexa honestly hadn't even been thinking about taking Clarke out on a date until they told everyone about their relationship, but now she realized that she really wanted to. She knew that going to the movies was a little cheesy, but there was a movie theater within walking distance of the school, and Lexa didn't have a car. Besides, a movie was perfect because it was casual enough that she and Clarke could claim that they were just hanging out, but it was also just datey enough to be considered a date. Lexa wondered why she hadn't thought of it before.

She nodded her head in agreement. "Yeah. You know, a movie sounds perfect. Maybe we can go this weekend."

"Good. Maybe we can catch one sometime as well," Anya said. "Just you and me."

Lexa realized that she really had missed spending time alone with her best friend in the time that she had spent pushing everyone away. "I think I'd like that."

Lexa could see the surprise in Anya's eyes, and she wondered why it was so surprising that she would want to hang out with her. Then again, Lexa supposed that it must still be a little shocking to her friends that she was finally starting to open up again after so long.

A smile settled over Anya's face once she had recovered from her initial shock. "Great. I'll be looking forward to it. I guess I'll leave you now to look after your roommate. I should probably get back to my room too just in case Emori pukes again."

Lexa chuckled and nodded, and Anya got up from the bed, making her way out of the room. Once the door was closed, Lexa looked back over to where Clarke was lying, asleep, and she wondered if she should get back into bed with the blonde. She was a little afraid to because she realized that more people might be up and about now that they might be starting to feel better. However, the more she looked at her own bed, the more that she knew she didn't want to sleep there alone tonight. After feeling what it was like to lie in Clarke's arms, Lexa wasn't sure that she ever wanted to sleep alone again. She had slept more peacefully curled up against Clarke than she could remember sleeping in a long time. Besides, she was feeling a lot more at ease after her talk with Anya. A lot surer that she was doing the right thing by being with Clarke.

Lexa crawled back into Clarke's bed with her, lying in the position which she had previously been in against the blonde's chest. Almost immediately, Lexa felt a hand subconsciously come up to rest on her waist, and she smiled down at the sleeping blonde. Lexa settled against her girlfriend, and she found herself feeling more comfortable than she ever had in her own bed, even though the beds were small. The thought scared her a little because she knew that it meant that she was getting closer to Clarke with each passing day.

Closer to being able to say those words that she was almost positive Clarke had been about to say earlier and mean them.

* * *

That Saturday night, Clarke and Lexa were getting ready for their date to the movie theater. Clarke was getting changed in the bathroom, and Lexa in their room, and the brunette tried to quell her rising nerves. She knew that this was only Clarke, the girl that she had been living with for the past two months, but she still couldn't help but be a bit apprehensive over the prospect that they were finally going out on their first date. She only hoped she didn't screw it up.

Lexa glanced at herself in her vanity mirror, and she wished that she could be wearing one of her dresses that she saved for special occasions. Even though they were just going to a movie, she still wanted to look nice for Clarke. However, she didn't want to raise suspicion with the other members of the house, especially Anya, who would know immediately that something was up, so she settled on black skinny jeans and one of her nicer T-shirts. As Lexa fluffed up her loose curls again, Clarke walked into the room in a pair of jeans and a form-fitting pink shirt. She met Lexa's eyes in the mirror and winked at her. "Trying to look nice for our date?"

Lexa's cheeks flushed at the gesture, and she really wished that Clarke didn't have such an obvious effect on her She knew that her roommate was thrilled about going out tonight, having brought up the fact that they were going on a date that night whenever she could since the brunette had mentioned it. To tell the truth, Lexa found it to be sort of adorable, and it made her feel good to know that Clarke clearly liked her a lot. She already knew of this fact, of course, but sometimes, she still needed the reminder.

While Lexa was beyond excited about the date as well, she still had some lingering feelings of guilt for allowing herself to look forward to it so much. At first, she had thought that she might still believe, on some level, that she was betraying Costia by being with Clarke, but she knew that wasn't it. Clarke had been right when she said that Costia would have wanted the two of them to be together, that she would just want Lexa to be happy, but yet, this feeling of guilt was still there. She knew, deep down, that it was because she was already falling for Clarke harder than she had ever fallen for Costia, and she thought that perhaps Clarke had been right when she said that Lexa's soulmate was still out there. Only this soulmate might be much closer than either girl had thought at the time.

The brunette realized that she had gotten completely lost in her thoughts for a second and that Clarke was still waiting for an answer to her question, so Lexa decided to give the blonde a taste of her own medicine. "Yes, I am trying to look nice, and I would advise you to do the same. You should probably fix your hair before we go."

"What?" Clarke rushed over to look in her own mirror.

"Relax, Clarke. I was only teasing you," Lexa said in an innocent tone of voice. This time, it was Lexa's turn to wink, and Clarke's turn to blush. The brunette was glad to see that she had the same effect on her roommate as the blond girl had on her.

"You're mean," Clarke said with a pout.

Lexa didn't even try to argue, simply nodding in agreement with Clarke before gesturing to the door. "We should probably head out now. You ready to go?"

Clarke nodded with a smile, and she reached out to take Lexa's hand as they walked through the door before awkwardly dropping it, clearly having forgotten that they weren't supposed to let anyone see. Lexa instantly felt bad about making Clarke wait to tell the others about their relationship when the other girl clearly didn't want to hide it anymore. This fact alone almost made her want to forget her insecurities and just march downstairs and tell everyone that she was dating Clarke. However, she knew that the two of them would never be able to escape the onslaught of questions that would surely follow that announcement, which would cause them to miss their movie. Lexa decided against doing this because she knew that this date tonight was more important to both of them. She couldn't say that she wasn't glad for this excuse though. While she knew that she would have to tell the others soon, she was relieved that it did not have to be just yet.

Lexa realized that Clarke was looking tense beside her, and she wondered if maybe the blonde thought that Lexa would be angry with her for slipping up and grabbing her hand. Lexa was quick to reassure her girlfriend, smiling warmly at her. "We can do that at the theater."

Clarke instantly looked up with a bright smile, and Lexa watched as the blonde's eyes went a shade darker. "I hope that's not the only thing we'll be doing at the theater."

Lexa could not keep the blush from creeping across her cheeks at this statement, and she silently cursed Clarke for always being able to do this to her. She knew though that she would also like to do what Clarke was insinuating, and so she tried to maintain a cool air when she replied. "Of course not."

When Clarke and Lexa reached the bottom of the stairs, they were stopped by Lincoln shouting out to them from the living room. "Where are you guys headed?" He was sitting on the couch with Anya, Emori, and Bellamy playing some game on the Xbox.

Lexa opened her mouth to answer, but Anya was already speaking before she could. "They're going to the movies, right, Lex?"

"Yes, that is the plan," Lexa confirmed.

"We'd come with you, but we're really busy right now." Emori's eyes did not leave the screen as she focused on killing some enemies, and Lexa was surprised that the other girl had even been paying attention to the conversation at all.

Lexa just shook her head at her friend. "I can see that, Mor. Really busy."

This got Emori's attention, and she turned away from the screen for a moment to stick her tongue out at her friend before turning back to the game, only to find that her character had been killed. "Damn it, Bellamy. I turn my back for all of about two seconds, and you shoot me?"

Bellamy just shrugged. "You snooze, you lose. Should have been paying attention."

She narrowed her eyes at him in an accusatory manner. "You were following me."

"Maybe," Bellamy said with a grin.

Lexa knew that if she waited for the two of them to quit arguing, she and Clarke would be waiting there all night, and she could already tell that the blonde was getting antsy from the way that she was fidgeting beside her. Lexa could already see Emori preparing to say something more so Lexa decided to let everyone in the room know that she and Clarke needed to go. "Well, we're heading out now. See you guys later."

"Okay. Have fun," Anya answered absentmindedly, attention still on the game.

Lexa rolled her eyes at her friends as she pulled Clarke out the door, excited for their evening together to finally get started.

* * *

When Clarke and Lexa arrived at the movies, they waited in line for popcorn and a drink of Mountain Dew before heading into the theater that would be playing the rom-com that they had chosen. Well, Clarke had chosen. Lexa hadn't really cared what movie they saw, and so she had allowed Clarke to pick. They settled into seats in the very middle of the back row so that they would have a good view of the screen. Even though Lexa didn't really plan on watching much of the movie, she knew that Clarke might wish to, and so she wanted her girlfriend to have a good view.

Once the movie started, Lexa tried her best to pay attention, and normally she enjoyed watching rom-coms, but today, she found herself more interested in watching the blonde beside her. She tried to keep her eyes off of her girlfriend as best as she could so that the other girl would not know that she was staring, but something told her that Clarke probably knew anyway. Lexa reached into the vat of popcorn, and when her hand brushed against Clarke's, she couldn't help but look up at the blonde. She was surprised to find that Clarke's blue gaze was as heated as Lexa pictured her own to be, and she realized that the other girl was clearly as distracted as she was. They stared at each other for a moment, and then Clarke reached out to put her hand on Lexa's knee, seemingly asking for permission to do what Lexa wanted so badly. Lexa simply nodded, and that was all Clarke needed to bring their lips together.

Lexa sighed at the feel of Clarke's lips moving against hers, and she deepened the kiss, suddenly not caring at all about the movie that was playing in the background. She was so entranced by the feeling of kissing Clarke that she almost forgot she needed to breath, and she probably would have forgotten had the blonde not pulled back to catch her breath. As Lexa panted, she realized that Clarke's lips looked swollen, and she figured that hers were probably just as bad, but she didn't care. She still wanted to press them back against Clarke's.

The blonde looked around the back row to make sure it was empty, and then she surprised Lexa by climbing into her lap. Lexa was suddenly extremely glad that they had chosen a movie that didn't have too many viewers. Clarke crashed their lips together, and this kiss was more hungry and desperate than the last. Lexa had to stop herself from moaning loudly when Clarke bit down hard on her bottom lip. She grabbed on tightly to the blonde's waist, and Clarke wrapped her hands around the back of Lexa's neck, pulling her ever closer. The brunette was incredibly aroused at the feeling of her girlfriend pressed flush against her, and she ran her hands under Clarke's shirt, wanting nothing more than to just tear it off, but the brunette restrained herself because of the setting that they were currently in. Clarke clearly wanted the same thing as she massaged Lexa's breasts through her shirt, and the brunette let out a tiny moan. Clarke pulled back at the sound, and Lexa knew that they needed to stop now because they could not very well go any farther in a movie theater. She couldn't help her slight embarrassment at having let that sound escape her, even if it didn't seem as if anyone other than her girlfriend had heard her.

"We'll continue this later," Clarke bit down on Lexa's earlobe, and the brunette shuddered involuntarily before nodding.

Clarke didn't even bother to go back to her seat after this excursion, choosing to just turn around and lean back against Lexa instead. Lexa brought her hands up to rest on Clarke's stomach, and the blonde grabbed Lexa's hands in her own. The two of them settled back in to watch the movie, and Lexa leaned her head against Clarke's, not even minding that they had missed a big portion of the middle. Lexa hadn't felt this good in a long time, and she wished that they hadn't had to stop what they had been doing. While Lexa liked sitting with her girlfriend and just holding the blonde in her arms, she could not wait to get back to the house and finish what they had started.

She felt herself falling harder.

* * *

A little over an hour later, Lexa found herself with Clarke at Jaha's Ice Cream Shop, spooning her delicious strawberry ice cream into her mouth. When they had left the theater, Lexa had wanted nothing more than to go straight back to the house, but her roommate had convinced to go out and get some ice cream first. Lexa was a little embarrassed to admit that it didn't take much convincing. She would do anything for Clarke, and she also loved Jaha's ice cream. It truly was the best ice cream that she had ever had, and she had to admit that the owner was smart for opening his shop so close to the school.

When Lexa looked across the table at Clarke, she noticed that the blonde was wearing a bit of her chocolate ice cream on her upper lip, and Lexa wanted nothing more than to lean across the table and wipe it off. She didn't though, holding herself back because she knew that someone they knew could walk in at any minute, as this was a typical hangout place for the kids at the school. Clarke shot Lexa a questioning look, and the brunette realized that she must have had an aroused look on her face at the thought of touching Clarke's lips, but she proved to be glad that she had restrained herself from doing so because Octavia spoke up from behind them at that exact moment.

"Hey, guys. Why didn't you tell us you were going out for ice cream?" Octavia slid into the booth next to Lexa, and Raven sat down beside Clarke.

"You got a little chocolate on your lip." Raven picked up a napkin and wiped it off for the blonde, and Clarke looked across the table at Lexa, finally having realized what had been the cause of the brunette's look earlier.

"Thanks, Rae," Clarke said, "and we didn't invite you here, O, because we weren't even planning on going here in the first place. We went to go see a movie, which we would have invited you to as well, but you were in your room when we left, and we just figured that you were studying or doing homework."

"We were trying to." Octavia rolled her eyes in annoyance at something that Lexa couldn't quite figure out.

Raven clearly caught onto Lexa's confused look because she immediately elaborated on her roommate's statement. "Yeah, we were trying to, but the four that were downstairs playing Halo were being so loud that it was hard to focus on anything."

"They were being rather loud, weren't they?" Clarke laughed at the thought. "I guess that's the reason that Mr. Kane doesn't allow anyone to play with the Xbox on school nights."

"Thank God for that. There was so much shouting going on that Octavia and I decided to abandon studying for pre-calculus altogether and just go out for some ice cream before curfew."

Octavia nodded in agreement before looking at the two girls that had been there first. "You two are starting to get along pretty well now, aren't you?"

"Yeah, now that I've finally gotten Lexa to stop blowing me off, we can hang out together," Clarke teased, and Lexa rolled her eyes as the other girls laughed.

When Lexa finished her ice cream, she noticed that Clarke was done as well, but Octavia and Raven were only about halfway done, since they had come in later than the other two. Lexa was itching to get back to their room, but Clarke seemed content to sit and wait for the other two to finish. Lexa normally enjoyed hanging out with Octavia and Raven now that she finally knew them, and she was glad that they all finally seemed to be friends, even though Raven had hated Lexa at the beginning, but tonight, all that Lexa wanted to do was get back to her room so that she could have Clarke all to herself.

* * *

When they finally got back to the house, Clarke and Lexa finally, finally got rid of Octavia and Raven by saying that they had a lot of homework to do. Lexa was glad to find that Jasper and Monty had joined the four that were already downstairs playing Halo, making it even louder, because she and Clarke had a lot of homework to do indeed.

Clarke's lips were on Lexa's the minute that the door closed, and the brunette was surprised that her roommate had been able to remain so calm and composed all throughout their time with Octavia and Raven when she had clearly wanted to get back to the house just as much as Lexa had. Lexa, on the other hand, had been distant and antsy, and she had felt like she was going to scream if she had to wait for one more minute.

Lexa felt the back of her legs smack into the edge of her bed, forcing her to sit down hard, and all rational thought flew out the window when Clarke settled into her lap. Lexa moaned in delight when she felt Clarke dip down to suck hard against her pulse point, and the brunette tangled her fingers in her roommate's hair, pressing the other girl's head further into her neck. Clarke's hands crept under Lexa's shirt, running over the brunette's stomach, and Lexa shivered at the blonde's enticing touch. Soon enough, Lexa felt her shirt being pulled over her head, and she allowed it, Clarke parting her lips from Lexa's skin only for a second as she tossed the garment aside before continuing her trail along Lexa's collarbone, nipping and sucking.

Lexa watched with dark green eyes as Clarke took complete control, and suddenly, Lexa felt herself being pushed back onto the bed. She moaned again at the feel of her girlfriend on top of her, and she wanted nothing more than to feel the blonde's skin against hers. She tugged on the other girl's shirt, but Clarke did not stop what she was doing, making it impossible for Lexa to get her shirt off, and before Lexa could stop herself, she whined pitifully. She hoped that Clarke had not heard it, but, to her chagrin, the blonde pulled back with an amused twinkle in her eyes. "Something wrong, LW?"

Lexa allowed her instincts to take over, and she was not shy at all as she voiced her desires. "I want your shirt off."

Clarke seemed surprised at how forward her girlfriend was being, and Lexa hoped that the blonde was not put off by it, but she seemed to recover quickly, sitting up and straddling Lexa's hips as she pulled her shirt up over her head and tossed it aside. Lexa pulled her back down hungrily, and she moaned at the feeling of Clarke's skin against hers, sucking hard on the blonde's upper lip. Lexa felt Clarke's tongue dart out and brush against her bottom lip, and the brunette quickly accepted it, allowing their tongues to dance together. She hadn't even realized how long she had wanted to do this with Clarke, but now that they were finally making out, she felt the sexual tension that had developed between them dissolving as they helped to release each other from it.

When Clarke pulled back for air, Lexa managed to suppress her whine of indignation at being separated, and she also had to work to stop herself from pulling the blond girl right back into her, instead giving her girlfriend a moment to catch her breath. Lexa was surprised when Clarke's lips didn't come back to meet hers, but rather began to trail down her chest, leaving a few love bites before they pressed tenderly against the valley between Lexa's breasts. The brunette moaned as Clarke kissed the swell of Lexa's breast that was accessible to her with the other girl still wearing a bra, and then the blonde reached underneath her girlfriend to find the clasp.

Lexa froze, finally breaking out of the haze that she had been in all day and realizing the gravity of what she was about to do. She was about to give herself fully to Clarke, and she wasn't sure if she was ready for that. She hadn't given herself to anyone since Costia, and on the day that girl had died, she had sworn that she would never give herself to anyone ever again. Clarke was different though. What she felt for Clarke was stronger somehow, and she wasn't sure if she was ready to allow those feeling to become more than just thoughts inside of her head. Clarke brought her eyes up to Lexa's, clearly looking for permission that Lexa wasn't sure if she could grant.

"Is this alright?" she asked.

Was it? Lexa wasn't sure if she was ready to fully give herself to Clarke yet. She had certainly seemed ready earlier that evening, but something was holding her back now. She was extremely nervous about doing this, knowing that it would make everything that had been going on between them much more real.

That it might just make her fall the final distance.

Clarke clearly picked up on her girlfriend's hesitation, withdrawing her hand from where it had settled against the clasp of the brunette's bra and sitting up, and Lexa instantly wanted to reach out for her. She didn't want the blonde to back off completely. She wanted to be ready. She just needed a moment. However, Clarke didn't back away and stop what they were doing. Lexa's eyes widened when she saw the other girl reach behind her back for the clasp of her own bra.

"I'll go first," the blonde said simply.

Lexa's eyes widened even further when her girlfriend's bra dropped, revealing the beautiful breasts underneath, and Lexa found that all she could do was stare. Clarke blushed under Lexa's lustful gaze, and she reached out to grab Lexa's hand, bringing it to rest over a pale breast. Lexa just looked up at her roommate in awe, gently squeezing the breast that was under her fingers, and Clarke moaned at the feeling, surging down to capture Lexa's lips in her own again. However, the brunette wanted nothing more than to continue exploring this newly exposed area of Clarke that had managed to captivate her so much. She easily flipped the blonde onto her back, and she pulled her lips back to travel down Clarke's skin. She tentatively took one of the blonde's nipples into her mouth, swirling her tongue around it experimentally and bringing a hand up to knead the other. Clarke moaned at the feeling and rolled Lexa over again, clearly preferring to be the one on top, but the blonde had forgotten that there was nowhere else to roll in the small bed, sending them both over the edge.

Lexa landed hard on the floor, and she grunted in pain when Clarke landed on top of her, accidentally elbowing her in the stomach and knocking all of the breath out of her. Lexa felt a moment of panic, and she flinched away from the weight on top of her, suddenly feeling claustrophobic, like she wanted this other girl off of her now. She was two seconds away from pushing the blonde off when she was met with concerned blue eyes, and she immediately relaxed, getting lost in them as she caught her breath.

Lexa realized that Clarke must have caught onto her original expression, and while Lexa did not know exactly what that expression had been, she could tell that it had been a worry-inducing one. "I'm so sorry, Lexa. Are you alright? Where does it hurt?"

"I'm fine," Lexa said, although she realized that her head did hurt a tiny bit from where it had bumped against the ground.

Clarke looked as if she didn't believe her girlfriend, but she let it go, rolling off of the brunette and extending a hand to her to help her off of the ground. Lexa lied back down on the bed, and she waited for Clarke to join her, but the brunette could still see the worry that had not faded from her roommate's eyes. It looked as if the other girl was trying to decide whether or not it would be a good idea to join her girlfriend after what had just happened, even though she clearly wanted to, and it was this immense care about Lexa's wellbeing, this immense worry Clarke had that Lexa had been hurt, that made the brunette sure that she wanted to do this. Lexa would be a fool to not go through with this because of her ridiculous fears when the blonde clearly cared about her so much.

"Maybe we should continue this another time," Clarke said uncertainly, but Lexa just shook her head and grabbed Clarke's wrist, pulling the other girl back on top of her again.

"Are you sure?" Clarke asked warily.

Lexa's only response was to guide the blonde's hand up to her breast that was still covered by her bra, and Clarke looked up at her hesitantly for a moment, although Lexa didn't miss the hope in her eyes. "Can I take this off?"

Lexa nodded, and Clarke removed the garment, immediately taking one of Lexa's nipples into her mouth. The brunette was taken off guard when the blonde resumed her fast pace, but she couldn't say that she didn't enjoy it. She was so aroused by the overload of sensations that her body was feeling at the moment, and she could not keep her moans to herself, a fact that she would have been embarrassed about had she not been sure that no one could hear her due to the people playing Halo on the floor below. Lexa felt like she could finally breathe again when Clarke slowed down, trailing kisses down her girlfriend's stomach, but the brunette only felt her breath hitch again when Clarke got closer to the place where Lexa so desperately needed her. When Clarke finally reached the waistband of Lexa's pants, the brunette didn't even wait for the other girl to ask for permission.

"Yes, Clarke. Please."

The blonde smirked, and she was clearly amused at the response that she had gotten. Lexa didn't even have time to feel embarrassed before Clarke was unbuttoning and unzipping her jeans and then pulling them down her long legs. Once the pants were off though, Clarke did not move to where Lexa was hoping she would, instead taking her time to trail kisses up and down the insides of both of Lexa's legs. The brunette growled in frustration, unsure how much more of this she could take.

"Clarke, please. I need you."

"Need me to what?" Blue eyes turned up to meet green ones, and Lexa could see that the blonde was clearly enjoying herself immensely. Lexa immediately flushed red at her desperate and needy behavior, and she decided to remain silent, not wanting to give Clarke any more satisfaction from seeing her get all worked up.

"All you have to do is tell me," Clarke said in a seductive tone, clearly not going to let up on Lexa just yet.

"No. You know exactly what it is that I need," Lexa muttered, but she could already feel her resolve beginning to shatter.

"Tell me, or I'll stop," Clarke threatened, and Lexa struggled hard not to give in to her girlfriend. She didn't want to admit how much she needed this, how weak the blonde truly made her, and so she tried her best not to react to her roommate's words. Clarke clearly sensed this, and she dipped a finger into Lexa's underwear, rubbing it against the brunette's hot sex. Lexa couldn't help a whimper of pleasure from escaping her mouth, but that was the only thing that did. Lexa might moan and scream out her lover's name, but she never, ever begged.

"Fine. I guess we're done here then." Lexa almost cried when Clarke retracted her finger and pulled away.

Lexa immediately missed Clarke's warmth against her. "Please, Clarke."

"Please what?" Clarke prompted.

Lexa couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't take the cool air that was hitting her body now where Clarke had previously been, and she couldn't take having to look up into Clarke's eyes for a moment longer when the blonde was giving her _that_ look. She needed to feel Clarke inside of her, and she needed it right that very instant. She felt like she had lost every last ounce of her dignity when she was reduced to a begging, pleading mess beneath her girlfriend. "Please just fuck me, Clarke. I need you to fuck me. Please, Clarke, please."

"That's much better," Clarke said with a pleased smirk, making quick work of discarding Lexa's underwear as she settled back on top of the brunette again.

Lexa lost all of her previous feelings of humiliation when Clarke reconnected their lips, entering the brunette with two fingers. Lexa was aware of the fact that her moans had gotten much louder at this feeling that she had wanted to experience for what felt like so long, and she tried to keep them in, but she found that she couldn't anymore when Clarke added a third finger. She began moaning uncontrollably into the blonde's mouth, and she was feeling so good at the moment that she honestly didn't care anymore if anyone heard her. She began to bring her hips up to match Clarke's every thrust, and the blonde allowed it, continuing her ministrations to push her girlfriend closer and closer to the edge.

When Clarke began to circle her thumb around the brunette's clit, she pulled back from the kiss, seemingly knowing that this was going to push her roommate over the edge. Lexa couldn't stop herself from screaming Clarke's name out into the open air, as she was sure that the blonde had wanted her to do, and she had to admit that her roommate was smart. Her body immediately began to shake underneath the blonde as she was plunged into orgasmic bliss, and Clarke did not remove her fingers until her girlfriend's body had stilled.

After slowly pulling her fingers out of Lexa, Clarke put them into her mouth and sucked them clean with a pop. The sight alone caused Lexa to moan, and she immediately rolled them over, looking into Clarke's dark eyes for a moment before dipping back down to kiss her. She kneaded Clarke's breasts with her hands while they kissed, rolling her fingers around the blonde's already hard nipples. Lexa found that she really loved her girlfriend's breasts, and so she played with them for several minutes before she was satisfied. Then, she finally moved her hands down across the blonde's stomach as she moved her mouth to kiss Clarke's neck. As she slid the other girl's jeans off, Lexa seriously thought about teasing Clarke the way that she had been teased, but her entire train of thought flew out the window when she realized how wet the other girl had become.

"You're already so wet, roomie," Lexa remarked with a smirk.

Clarke blushed a little under Lexa's scrutiny, and she looked away to avoid the brunette's intense green gaze. Lexa remained silent for a moment longer, relishing in her ability to make her roommate squirm before speaking.

"I'd really love to tease you the way you teased me, but since you're already so ready, I'll just be nice and give it to you." Lexa removed the blonde's underwear and spread her girlfriend's legs apart easily, smirking at the fact that they almost fell open of their own accord. "Not to mention, I am incredibly turned on by your arousal."

Lexa instantly dipped her head between Clarke's legs, not even giving her girlfriend a chance to respond as she kissed the blonde's soft folds, flattening her tongue against them to lap up the other girl's juices. Lexa wasted no time in entering her girlfriend with her tongue and thrusting it in and out of her, smiling in pleasure at the sweet taste of the blonde. She smiled even wider when she heard her roommate's loud moans, and Lexa was glad that they were not muffled by a kiss, as hers had been, because the sound of Clarke moaning was quickly becoming Lexa's favorite one. Lexa let out a small moan herself at the feeling of Clarke's fingers tugging lightly at her hair.

Lexa had wondered how Clarke had known when she was getting close, but now Lexa realized that she could tell that her girlfriend was getting close as well, and so she moved her tongue up to circle the blonde's clit, thrusting into the other girl with two fingers instead. Clarke's grip in brunette hair was actually starting to hurt now, but Lexa found the pain to be pleasurable, so she didn't say anything, simply continuing her actions as Clarke writhed beneath her. Lexa pulled Clarke's clit into her mouth, sucking hard, and the blonde was sent over the edge with a loud scream. Lexa smiled in satisfaction at the way that Clarke's walls clenched around her fingers, trying to keep her where she was, although she had no intention of removing them until the blonde had finished her orgasm.

When Clarke's grip in Lexa's hair finally loosened, she pulled her fingers out of the blonde and moved up the bed to lie beside her. She sucked her fingers clean just as her roommate had, wanting the taste of Clarke to remain in her mouth forever. Lexa lied silently beside Clarke for a few moments, both of them taking in what had just happened. Lexa had given herself to Clarke, and she didn't regret any of it, realizing that she never wanted to be without Clarke ever again It was a lot for her to take in because she hadn't felt this way in a long time. Having Clarke by her side made Lexa feel strong and happy, and those were two feelings that she didn't want to give up anytime soon.

"I hope you're not expecting me to go back to my bed tonight," Clarke finally managed to get out.

"Of course not." Lexa frowned slightly at her girlfriend, wondering why the blonde would ever think such a thing. Lexa didn't think that she ever wanted Clarke to go back to her own bed again, unless the brunette was invited as well.

Clarke turned over to face Lexa with a serious glint in her eyes, and the brunette turned her full attention to the blonde, but the other girl didn't speak. Lexa wondered if maybe she had misread the girl's blue eyes, and Clarke really had nothing to say. She then shook the thought out of her head, knowing full well that what she had seen had been real, and so she patiently waited for Clarke to speak up, giving her the time that she needed to collect her thoughts.

Clarke was silent for a few more moments before she spoke. "I love you."

Lexa was sure that her shock played out on her face, even though she had sort of already known. Still, she hadn't been able to help but think that maybe Clarke had simply made a mistake when she had almost said those words before. She hadn't gone through with them, after all. Even though the blonde had pretty much confirmed her feelings by sleeping with her roommate, Lexa still couldn't help but feel slightly awestruck that this girl that she adored more than anything else in the world could actually love her back. "You love me?"

"I love you," Clarke repeated, not an ounce of doubt in her tone. "You don't have to say it back right now, or ever for that matter, but I just wanted you to know that's how I feel."

Lexa's heart warmed at the way that Clarke made it so clear that she was not pressuring the brunette, but Lexa could not deny that she felt exactly the same way. "I love you, too, roomie, and I am one hundred percent sure of that."

Clarke smiled brightly, and she rewarded Lexa with a light kiss on the lips before she pulled back, yawning. Lexa chuckled at the tired blonde, but she couldn't help but feel tired herself after the night they had just had.

Clarke rolled onto her side and pulled Lexa's arm around her. "I suppose you won't mind cuddling with me then."

Lexa smiled as she buried her face in Clarke's golden hair. "I don't mind at all."


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, Clexakru! Sorry it took me a week to get this out there again, but school is really starting to pick up for me now, and so I might have to just do weekly updates from now on. I promise that I will update at least once a week though. That being said, I will be able to update twice this week, but after that, I will probably have to go down to updating once a week. Anyways, thank you all for reading and supporting this story with all of the comments and kudos, and I hope you all enjoy the new chapter!

About a week later, Clarke pulled open her wardrobe, only to find that she had no more clean uniform shirts to wear. She mentally face-palmed herself when she realized that she had forgotten to take her shirts down to the laundry room the previous night to be washed. In her defense, she had been very busy last night, although some people might think that the school shirt issue was more important. She realized now that it was a pretty big issue, but last night, she hadn't ever been able to remember that her shirts needed a wash.

Ever since she and Lexa had slept together last Saturday, they had been jumping each other's bones every chance that they got. Clarke found that it was extremely hard to keep her hands off of her roommate now that she had gotten a taste (quite literally) of the brunette girl. She knew that they needed to stop, and she was honestly surprised that the other girls on their floor hadn't heard them, but it was just so hard to keep her hands to herself anymore when she and Lexa were alone.

Clarke shook herself out of her thoughts, flushing in embarrassment when she realized that she had been practically drooling at the thought of sleeping with Lexa. She would have thought that she would have gotten tired of the activity after doing it so much because she always had in the past, but for some reason, this time was different.

Clarke shut the door to her wardrobe in mild frustration, wondering how she was going to get to school today without wearing her uniform. She wished that she had a simple plain white button-down shirt. That way, the teachers probably wouldn't even realize that it was missing the Polis logo, but she knew that she had nothing that even resembled the Polis uniform shirts.

The blonde wandered over to her roommate's wardrobe with hopeful eyes, praying to anyone that might be listening that the other girl might have a spare shirt. When she opened the doors, her eyes landed on, not just one, but two spare uniform shirts hanging on the rack in front of her, and she sighed in relief. As she pulled one of the shirts off of its hanger, she hoped that Lexa would not mind that she had borrowed it. Clarke honestly thought about asking her, but the brunette had just stepped into the shower, and Clarke didn't want to have to wait for her to get out.

Clarke pulled the shirt on, but she had some difficulty buttoning it up in the chest area, and she blushed at the fact that her chest was so much bigger than her girlfriend's. For a moment, she almost thought that she was back to square one with her shirt problem, but with some maneuvering of certain body parts, she got it to button up nicely, even though it was a tight fit. She let out a relieved breath, slipping on her skirt and then grabbing her green and blue tie to fasten it around her neck. She fastened two locks of her hair behind her head in her usual hairstyle before heading out the door to go grab breakfast before school. When she got out into the hallway, she noticed Raven clearly waiting to get inside the bathroom.

"Lexa just got in the shower. You'll probably have to wait a good ten or fifteen minutes before she's done," Clarke spoke up from behind her.

Raven glared at the door. "I need to pee. What the hell is she in the shower for? We normally all take showers at night."

Clarke blushed at the thought of why Lexa was in the shower. She and Clarke had been waking up extra early in the mornings this week to take showers before the other girls were awake, and while Clarke had still done that this morning, Lexa had slept in.

Clarke just shook her head at her friend in a semi-apologetic manner. "Just pee real quick before we go."

At that moment, Octavia stepped out of her room, eyes widening a bit when they landed on the blonde. "Whoa, Clarke, what happened?"

Clarke looked at her friend in confusion, wondering what on earth could possibly be wrong. "What do you mean?"

Raven abandoned her staring match with the door and turned her full attention to the blonde, eyes widening just as Octavia's had done before her features settled into an amused smile. "Did you get plastic surgery or something?"

Clarke cocked her head to the side in confusion, wondering what on earth her friends were talking about. She didn't think that she looked any different today than she ever did, and she tried to think of what it was that they could be seeing. She briefly wondered if maybe her lips were really swollen from making out with Lexa that morning, but that had been almost over an hour ago. Then, she followed Raven's gaze to her chest, and she realized just what it was that her friends were noticing.

"Oh. No. This is Lexa's. I forgot to bring my shirts down to the laundry room yesterday, so I'm borrowing hers," Clarke was quick to explain. She looked back down at her chest again, realizing that the tight shirt really brought out the actual size of her breasts, and she looked away in embarrassment, cheeks tinging a faint shade of pink. "Is it that bad?"

"I know that Raven can be a drama queen sometimes, and she tends to exaggerate, but take it from me, Clarke, you look like you're about to bust out of that thing," Octavia told her, and Clarke frowned when she noticed that her friend was basically talking to her breasts.

"Well, stop looking at it." Clarke crossed her arms over her chest self-consciously.

Octavia looked like she was trying really hard not to laugh, and Clarke scowled when the brunette allowed a chuckle to escape. "I'm trying, but it's hard not to, Clarke. It's like your boobs are right up in my face."

"Well, what do you want me to do?" Clarke asked in exasperation. "I can't just not go to school, and I don't have any other shirts that even remotely resemble our Polis one."

"Borrow a shirt from someone who doesn't have the smallest breasts on campus," Octavia said, unable to stop herself from laughing.

Clarke just barely bit back a retort at that one, trying her hardest not to defend Lexa's breasts, which would certainly raise suspicion about the two of them dating. She really did love Lexa's breasts though, just like she loved every other part of Lexa, and she tried to bring her mind back to the conversation at hand before it went too far into the gutter. "Oh, really? And do you have any clean shirts for me to borrow?"

Both girls shook their heads, and Clarke just huffed. "That's what I thought. I was lucky that Lexa even had any spare shirts at all. I'll just have to live with it for today."

"You could put on a sweater," Raven suggested, trying her best to maintain a more serious tone.

"But it's so hot outside," Clarke whined, even though she had to admit that her friend had come up with a good idea.

"Look, it's either you wear a sweater, or every single person that you talk to will just be talking to your breasts all day. I mean, it's your choice, but what if you do bust out like Octavia said? I think you'd be glad to have the sweater if that happens," Raven said with the hint of a smile on her lips.

Clarke just rolled her eyes at the other girl in annoyance. "I'm not going to tear Lexa's shirt. You guys are being ridiculous. But I will get that sweater."

Clarke walked back into her room and opened her wardrobe to grab a sweater as Octavia and Raven finally let their laughs out behind her. She wanted to point out that she could still hear them, but she refrained from doing so as she pulled her gray sweater over her head. While it had been getting cooler outside lately, this week had been uncharacteristically hot, and Clarke wondered why that had to be the week that she had forgotten to do her laundry.

When she got back to where her friends were standing, seemingly waiting to go downstairs to breakfast with her, Clarke tried her best not to shoot an annoyed glare in their direction. "Better?"

"Much." Raven chuckled, and Clarke just rolled her eyes, pushing past her friends to go downstairs to eat. Clarke tried to shed her feelings of utter humiliation as she went downstairs to find out what Indra had decided to make for them that morning.

* * *

Later that day, Clarke found herself eating under the bleachers with Lexa. She was so glad that the two of them had continued this ritual because, while she would have rather just sat in the cafeteria, she didn't think she could take the stifling heat of sitting in the courtyard while she was wearing her sweater. She was thankful for the breeze that was blowing through the shady setting that she was in at the moment. She and Lexa had already finished their food, and now, Clarke was just resting her head against her roommate's shoulder. They weren't talking, choosing to just sit in comfortable silence, and Clarke rather enjoyed times like this. She could feel herself starting to fall asleep when Lexa suddenly stood up, pulling Clarke up with her and out towards the field.

Clarke could not keep a laugh from escaping her lips as she followed her girlfriend. "Where are we going?"

Lexa sprawled out on her back in the middle of the grass. "To lay in the field."

Clarke lied down next to Lexa and looked up at the cloudless blue sky, watching as birds circled high above. She was completely lost in the vast blue dome above her when she felt a hand link with hers, and she looked over at her roommate in surprise. Lexa was staring up at the sky with a wide smile on her face, all of her teeth showing, and Clarke wondered what had made her girlfriend so happy. Whatever had caused it, Clarke thought that Lexa's smile must be contagious because she found that she could not keep a smile from creeping onto her own face as well. Clarke almost didn't even mind how hot she was feeling right now in her sweater at the sight of Lexa's great mood. The brunette was happier than Clarke had ever seen her, and she wondered why it was that Lexa was insisting on holding her hand out in the open like this where anyone could walk by and see them.

"You know that people might see us holding hands, right?" Clarke asked.

"I don't care," Lexa said easily, still smiling. "I want to tell them anyway."

Clarke rolled over onto her side so that she could face the brunette, wondering if she had actually heard correctly. "Wait a second, Lexa. You were always the one who was so adamant about keeping this a secret before. What changed?

Lexa turned her head to look at Clarke with sincere green eyes. "I just don't want to keep it a secret anymore. Besides, I know that you don't like having to hide it."

Clarke's lips immediately pulled down into a frown, hoping that her roommate wasn't feeling any pressure because of her. "Lex, don't do something that you're not ready for because of me. Yes, I would love to tell people that we are together, but I will have no problem waiting for you to be ready. I would never, ever want to make you uncomfortable."

"It's not just because of you," Lexa admitted. "I talked to Anya last week, and she told me that she didn't expect me to be the same person that I was before I lost Costia just because I'm getting better now. I didn't even tell her that I was afraid people might think that. She just knew somehow, and I guess that I forgot that I can trust her. I think I can trust all of them, Clarke, and I would love to share with them all that we are dating."

"What's got you in such a good mood today?" Clarke could not stop herself from asking. "You're all smiley. It's cute."

Lexa just smiled wider at this statement. "I'm glad that you find me to be cute, Clarke, because my great mood is simply caused by being able to call you my girlfriend. I love being around you every day, and I especially love what we do every night."

Lexa shot her a wink, and Clarke tried her best not to blush, instead allowing a wide grin to take over her face. "So we're really going to tell them then?"

"Yes. I thought that maybe we could tell them at dinner time," Lexa said. "I love you, Clarke."

"I love you, too, Lex." Clarke's eyes shone with the feeling.

The love in Lexa's eyes at the moment was so prominent that Clarke knew it mirrored the love that she felt in her own heart, and she immediately captured Lexa's lips in a kiss. The brunette rolled onto her side as well as the two made out in the grass, even though Clarke had kind of wanted to roll on top of her, but she supposed that that probably wasn't appropriate at school. Clarke moved her lips against Lexa's, delighting in this feeling that she loved so much, but right when she tried to turn the kiss heated, Lexa pulled away. Clarke shot her a questioning glance, but she could read in Lexa's eyes that she still had more that she wanted to say, and so Clarke focused attentive blue eyes on the brunette.

Lexa didn't break Clarke's gaze. "I don't think that I ever actually apologized for the way that I treated you when you first got here, but I want to. I'm so sorry that I was ever so cruel to you, and I'm sorry for saying that you could never understand because me losing Costia was way worse than you losing your dad. I didn't mean that. You've proven to me countless times that you do understand, and I know now that what I went through was no worse than what you did."

"It's okay, Lexa." Clarke reached out to brush a stray lock of hair behind Lexa's ear, not bothering to remove her hand afterwards. "You don't have to feel guilty about what you've done in the past. You were hurting, and I get that. Besides, while our experiences were similar, I'm sure that they were different in some ways."

"Maybe a little, but there was nothing that made it so different that you wouldn't understand," Lexa told her roommate, and Clarke watched as Lexa seemed to struggle with whether or not to say something else. It looked to Clarke as if she wanted to, but there was something that was holding her back. Clarke had no idea what Lexa could want to say, but whatever it was, she got the sense that it was really important, and the blonde found herself hoping that her girlfriend would actually decide to go through with it. While she would never want Lexa to talk about something before she was ready to, Clarke still wanted Lexa to be able to trust her. With everything.

And it looked as if the brunette was about to do just that.

"The reason that I thought I had it worse off than you did wasn't just because I lost Costia. It was because I lost my parents, too. Kind of. I never knew my dad, and my mom…well…it was clear that she never even wanted me. When you first arrived here, I was bitter that you thought you were doing so well getting over your dad's death when I had never even had a father in the first place."

Clarke could not keep the surprise off of her face at the words that were coming out of Lexa's mouth. The blonde had always thought that there was something off about the way that Lexa never talked much about her family. She had thought that maybe the brunette just didn't get along well with her parents or something, but she had never even imagined that it might be something like this. Here she was, thinking that she had been in such a similar situation to Lexa's just because she had lost her dad, when Lexa had never even been loved by her parents at all. Clarke instantly felt bad, but before she could say anything, Lexa continued speaking.

"My mom was never home most of the time, and when she was, she was usually drunk off her ass. The only interactions we had were when she would yell at me or when she would ask me to do things for her. She didn't care about me at all, and I probably would've died if my neighbors hadn't caught onto what was happening."

Lexa paused here, and Clarke was wondering if she was going to have to ask how they did figure it out when the brunette finally explained it to her. "One day, when I was five years old, I forgot the key to my house, and so I had to go over to one of my neighbors' houses to call my mom. I went across the street because the people that lived there had always seemed the nicest, and when I got there and asked to use the phone, the woman that answered the door started asking me all kinds of personal questions. I really didn't understand what was going on at the time, but I guess my being home alone while I was so young probably aroused her suspicions, and I'm sure that I probably looked really sickly. Anyway, she started asking me all of these questions about my home life, and I had no idea why she was reacting so surprised at the answers that I gave. I thought that it was perfectly normal for my mother not to care about me. She never did, so I didn't know any better."

Tears began to track down Lexa's cheeks as she said this, and Clarke reached out to wipe them away. Her heart shattered for the girl that was in front of her, and she couldn't help but imagine a baby Lexa going through the first few years of her life almost completely alone, thinking that her mother was not supposed to love her. Clarke cupped her roommate's cheeks and brought the other girl's eyes back up from where they had settled on the ground. "Lexa, I had no idea. I am so sorry."

Lexa tried her best to keep more tears from escaping. "Don't be. There's nothing that you could have done."

"No, Lexa. I should never have been so hard on you. When you were acting so horrible at the beginning of the year, I thought it was just because you had lost Costia, and I thought I understood. I had been in a similar situation, and I just wanted to help you because I knew that it was possible to get over something like that, but if I had known—"

"Clarke, please stop. Yes, my childhood was unfair, but it didn't give me any more of a right to mope than Costia's death did. Nothing gives someone the right to treat people as badly as I had been. Besides, I was miserable, and we both know that I would never have listened to you if you had been any easier on me." Lexa gave Clarke a lopsided smile with watery green eyes.

"Can I ask what happened next? Did you grow up in the system?" Clarke asked quietly, afraid to hear the answer.

"No. My neighbors took me in, and that was when I met Luna. I know I told you that she was a friend from school before, but she was their daughter, and I grew up with her like my sister. They were a great family, and they actually showed love for me, but I still couldn't help but feel left out. I mean, I knew that they only took me in because they felt sorry for me, and once I saw how a family was supposed to act, I began to wish that my own family had been like that. That my father had stuck around, and he and my mother both loved me the way that Luna's parents loved her. That family was so good to me, but I could never fit in with them because I never really belonged there. I know it's stupid." Lexa averted her eyes again.

Clarke was quick to reassure her, massaging Lexa's cheeks with her thumbs. "It's not stupid, Lexa. You deserve a family that loves you."

Lexa did raise her eyes then. "I guess so, but maybe if I—"

Clarke tried not to let her shock show through when she realized that the brunette thought that what had happened to her was her fault, and the blonde could not help it as her face hardened, and she cut her roommate off midsentence. "The way that your mother treated you wasn't your fault, Lexa. There was nothing that you could have done to get her to love you. End of story."

Lexa nodded her head in response, but her eyes were a dead giveaway that she didn't really believe what Clarke had just said. The blonde was about to argue, knowing how important it was to make sure that her roommate did not blame herself, but the other girl chose that exact moment to continue speaking.

"It just gets worse, Clarke," Lexa said, looking ashamed, and Clarke gently wiped away the tears that fell with her statement. The blonde wondered how on earth any of this could get worse, and she wished that her girlfriend wouldn't be ashamed about her past when it was completely out of her control. Clarke understood what it was like to lose someone, but she had grown up in a nice, loving family. She wasn't really sure how to comfort Lexa in the face of this new information, so she simply remained quiet, figuring that the best thing that she could do for Lexa right now was listen.

"When I was twelve years old, my mother just showed up on my neighbors' doorstep, looking for me, and while I was curious back then, I should have been enraged. I always figured that she thought I ran away or that she simply forgot that I existed, but she had known where I was for _seven_ years, and she didn't even care to do anything about it."

Lexa's eyes shone with frustration for a moment, and she closed them briefly to get her emotions back under control. "She seemed different though than the mother that I remembered. She told me that she had changed her ways and that she had gotten married to this really nice man. She said that she wanted me to come home so that we could be a family again. Luna's parents were hesitant to agree, but they eventually let me go because I really _wanted_ to. My mother had basically stood there and promised to give me everything I had ever wanted. How could I not want to go? When I got back home, it looked like my mom wasn't lying. My stepdad seemed like a great man, and my mom wasn't drinking anymore. They were the family that I had always wanted."

Lexa paused with pain-filled eyes, swallowing thickly as she struggled to continue speaking. "For two days. Then, they let me know that it was all an act. My mom had simply gotten tired of not having her slave around the house to do her bidding. I wasn't allowed to see Luna anymore, and my house became like a prison. I was only allowed out of the house to go to school, which they would drive me to and from, and they put bars over my window so that I couldn't escape. I was to do whatever they said, and whenever I messed anything up, my stepfather would beat me." Lexa took a shaky breath, trying to stop more tears from escaping her eyes. Needless to say, it wasn't working.

Clarke could feel the tears pricking at her own eyes at this new revelation. Lexa was right. It had just gotten worse, and it made Clarke sick to think of some man hurting the brunette girl that she loved so much. She hated seeing Lexa in so much pain as she talked about her past, and she wanted nothing more than for it to stop. "You don't have to keep going. I get the idea."

Lexa shook her head. "I want to tell you." No matter how painful it was for both of them, Lexa seemed insistent on getting this story out, and despite everything, Clarke at least liked the fact that Lexa trusted her enough to tell her about all of this.

Clarke had yet to stop rubbing soothing circles on Lexa's tear-streaked cheeks with her thumbs.

Lexa couldn't keep her tears from falling as she told the next part of her story. "Soon, my stepdad started beating me for no reason at all. He hated me so much, and he just liked to see me hurting. My mother did nothing to stop him, and I think she secretly liked watching it, too. I was always covered in bruises, but my stepdad was careful; he only bruised me where it couldn't be seen, and I had to try my best at school not to show my pain. One day, about a year and a half after I had gone back to live with them, my stepfather came home extremely drunk, and he was angrier than I'd ever seen him. He just started beating me senseless, but I didn't try to stop him because he had convinced me that I deserved it. He ended up breaking my arm pretty badly and cracking a few of my ribs. I had to lie to the doctors and say that I fell down the stairs, and he never beat me again after that. I think he was afraid at how close he had come to going to prison. If those doctors wouldn't have believed me, that's where he would have ended up, and he knew it, so he pretty much left me alone after that."

Lexa paused, trying to hold back a sob as best as she could. Clarke wanted to comfort her roommate, but she knew that there was nothing that she could do. The brunette needed to finish her story, and so Clarke allowed her to continue without interruption. "Neither my stepfather nor my mom even tried to help me at all when I was released from the hospital. I could barely move for days, but I had to do everything on my own. Luna's family helped when they could by sneaking into my house to help me when my mom and stepdad were both out, but they couldn't take me back. If they did, they knew that my parents would know exactly where I was and just come to take me away again. They still ended up saving me though because they still had the money that they had saved up to send Luna to boarding school, and they offered to send me instead. Luna was a year older than me, and she had turned down her parents' offer to send her to school here at Polis because she didn't want to leave her home, and so I readily accepted. The next school year, I left the house when no one was home, leaving a note that said that I had run away, and I came here. I haven't seen my mom or stepdad since"

Lexa stopped after this, and Clarke knew that this was the end of the story. This was the past that Lexa had always refused to talk about in depth, and the blonde now saw why she didn't want anyone to know. It broke Clarke's heart more than she could say. She sat up and pulled Lexa into her lap, seeing that the brunette was trying hard not to cry, and the minute Lexa was in Clarke's arms, she collapsed against the blonde, letting her sobs wrack her body. Clarke just allowed her to have a few moments to let all her emotions out. She knew that it must have been hard for the brunette to relive her past in full like this and even harder to actually tell Clarke, and the blonde wished more than anything that Lexa wouldn't be so ashamed of what had happened to her.

"I'm so sorry, Lexa," Clarke murmured into brunette hair once the other girl had settled down. Clarke's voice only raised more and more as she continued speaking. "But I want you to know that the way that they acted was not in any way your fault. There was nothing that you could have done to get them to like you better. You may have done some things that your stepdad used against you to justify his beatings, but every kid makes mistakes. Besides, your stepfather was just a sick man, and even if you had been a perfect little angel, he probably still would have done what he did. Your mom and stepdad are cruel, evil people who deserve to rot in jail for the rest of their lives for what they did to you. You didn't deserve any of it, and they are fools not to love you. Absolute idiots!"

"Thank you, Clarke," Lexa said softly.

She raised her head up to look at her roommate, and she attempted to give her a watery smile, but Clarke wasn't letting her off the hook that easily. She didn't just want the other girl to be appreciative of her words. She wanted her to believe them. "Lexa, what happened to you wasn't your fault. Say it, and mean it."

Lexa averted her eyes from the blonde's, and Clarke saw that she had been right when she had thought that Lexa still blamed herself for what had happened. Clarke was suddenly determined not to allow the other girl to leave this field until she had learned that none of this was her fault. Clarke grabbed Lexa's chin to guide the brunette's eyes back up to hers, but the minute she touched her roommate, Lexa violently flinched away, and Clarke had not missed the hint of fear that had sprung up in the other girl's eyes when she had grabbed her there. She chided herself for just reaching out to touch the brunette like that, no matter how gentle she had been, after what the other girl had just told her. She briefly remembered Lexa having had almost the same reaction when Clarke had tried to do this exact thing weeks ago, although Lexa's eyes had been more guarded back then. At the time, Clarke had just thought that Lexa hadn't wanted to be touched, but she now realized that it was something much more than that. She wondered how many other times she had accidentally triggered a flashback-like response in Lexa while the other girl had had to hide it as best as she could.

Clarke was quick to put her hands in the air to apologize for her actions. "I'm sorry, Lexa. I shouldn't have just grabbed you like that after everything you just told me, but…you know I'd never, ever even dream of hurting you, right?"

Lexa seemed to shake off her discomfort, and she looked less upset upon hearing Clarke's words. "Of course I know that, Clarke. It was just an automatic response for me. Whenever I would avert my eyes while talking to my stepdad, he would grab my chin, albeit more roughly than you did, to force me to look him in the eye. Normally, a beating would follow, so the flinching away has just become habit," Lexa explained simply, and Clarke was surprised when she saw a teasing smirk settle over the brunette's features. "I know that you will not beat me though, Clarke. Or at least, I hope you will not."

Clarke's lips settled into a tiny smile at the sight of her girlfriend joking around again, and she gently guided the other girl's head down to her chest. "I'd never beat you, Lex." Clarke allowed them to simply sit in silence for a few more seconds, knowing that Lexa probably needed this contact right now, before she finally spoke up again. "Does anyone else know about this?"

"I told Anya," Lexa mumbled against Clarke's sweater, "and Costia, of course. I would have told Emori as well, but her personality was always so much more loud and outgoing than the others, and I just really didn't want that many people to know. When I first got here, it was amazing because I had the opportunity to just start over, and I found all these people who really loved me, not just because they felt sorry for me. For the first time in my life, I actually felt like I belonged, and I was happy. It only got better when I fell in love with Costia because it was a feeling I had never felt before, a feeling I wasn't even really convinced existed, and it felt so great to be so strongly tethered to someone I cared about and who cared about me so much. I almost started to forget my old life, like I had left it behind by coming here, which in a way, I had. That's why it hurt so much when I lost Costia. I mean, she was the first person who really loved me throughout my entire life, and then she was just…gone. It made me feel like I didn't deserve to be loved."

Clarke had to resist the urge to bring Lexa's chin up so that green eyes could meet blue. "Lexa, look at me," she said instead.

The brunette pulled back a bit to sit up in Clarke's lap, bringing her eyes up to meet the blonde's, and Clarke winced at the utter sadness that she saw in that deep green forest. "You do deserve to be loved, Lexa. You are the most beautiful, sweet, amazing person I know, and I love you. I will never stop loving you."

Lexa was silent for a moment before swallowing thickly and speaking again in a small voice. "I know it wasn't my fault."

Clarke examined Lexa's eyes with a skeptical look, but she found nothing but honesty in the green depths. "Are you sure?" she asked anyway.

Lexa just nodded. "Sometimes, it's hard to think that it wasn't my fault because my stepdad had me so convinced that it was. I know in my heart though that they were just cruel and that there was nothing I could have done to get them to love me. Sometimes, I just wish there was something I could've done, you know? But you're right about me deserving love. I believed for such a long time that I didn't, but if it was true that I didn't deserve love, then I never would have gotten you."

Clarke leaned forward to press a quick kiss to Lexa's lips, glad that she seemed to be getting through to her roommate. "That's right. None of what happened to you was your fault, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It was completely out of your control. I will never love you any less because of your past, LW. In fact, it only makes me love you more."

Lexa looked at Clarke with surprised green eyes, almost as if she thought the girl in front of her was too good to be true. "Please don't leave me."

"Never." Clarke was quick to respond. "You're stuck with me until the day I die. Which will be in the far, far future."

Lexa cracked a smile at this, and Clarke smiled back, tucking a lock of brunette hair behind her girlfriend's ear. Then, Lexa leaned down to capture Clarke's lips in hers, and the blonde easily returned it, letting her girlfriend have complete control over the pace of the kiss for once. Lexa kept it slow, showing no intentions of turning it heated, and Clarke was fine with that, content to do whatever the other girl wanted her to in that moment. Neither one of them pulled back until they heard the sound of the bell ringing from the school.

"You okay now?" Clarke asked Lexa softly.

Lexa paused for a moment before answering. "Better."

"I'll take it." Clarke stood up, offering her hand down to help Lexa up as well. "But we will work on making you feel great someday."

Lexa smiled up at her, accepting Clarke's hand as she pulled herself to her feet. "With you, I already do."

Clarke was glad to see her roommate smiling again after what they had just talked about, and the blonde realized that, while it may have been painful for the brunette to relive it, her past wasn't anything new to her and probably didn't affect her on a daily basis anymore. She wouldn't want the blonde to baby her now, just because she knew about it. Clarke knew that she would have to keep this in mind now that Lexa had trusted her with this information.

"If only we didn't have to go to school." Lexa scrunched up her nose as they headed in the direction of the building, hand in hand. Clarke laughed as the brunette began to argue about why they shouldn't be forced to go, and it was almost weird for Clarke to hear Lexa going on as if nothing had just passed between them.

"Lexa," she called, and the brunette turned to look at her. "I'm really glad that you told me all of that stuff."

Lexa simply looked at the blonde for a moment, and Clarke realized that her girlfriend might never have gotten that response before. The corners of Lexa's lips turned up in a small smile. "Me too."


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since last chapter was such a heavy one, this chapter is a more lighthearted one for you guys. Enjoy!

That afternoon, Clarke got home from school to find Lexa already there, as usual. This time, Clarke was extra late though, as she had been talking with one of her teachers about a project, rather than just goofing off with Octavia and Raven. Lexa had already changed out of her uniform and into more comfortable clothes and was now presumably working on some homework on her laptop.

Lexa looked up from what she was doing the minute that Clarke walked in, and the brunette shot her roommate a small smile, almost as if she was unsure of how to act around the other girl now that the blonde knew about her past. Clarke knew that this was her chance to prove to Lexa that she wasn't going to act any differently, but she wanted to make sure that the other girl was okay first.

"How are you doing, Lexa?" she asked.

"Fine. I'm really glad that I finally told you all that stuff though. It was nice to let you in," Lexa said.

"It's nice to know that you can trust me enough to tell me," Clarke said truthfully.

Lexa looked up at Clarke with a conflicted look, and the blonde just nodded at her, trying to encourage her roommate to go on with what it was that she so clearly wanted to say. "As am I. I just want you to know, though, that my childhood is a thing of the past, Clarke, and I don't want you to treat me any differently because of it."

"Of course." Clarke took Lexa's hands in her own. "Have I ever treated you any differently before?"

Lexa smiled and shook her head. Clarke couldn't help but lean down and capture her girlfriend's lips in her own, biting gently on the bottom one that she loved so much, and Lexa returned the kiss, deepening it. After a few more seconds, Lexa tried to pull Clarke down to sit in her lap, but the blonde pulled away, feeling extremely hot in her sweater.

Clarke did not miss the confused frown that Lexa was wearing upon her face, and the blonde lightly pinched her roommate's cheeks. "No frowning. I'm just taking off my sweater because I'm hot."

Lexa smirked in Clarke's direction. "That you are."

Clarke stuck her tongue out at her girlfriend, and then she lifted the sweater up and over her head, tossing it into her laundry basket. She knew that Lexa realized instantly why it was that she had been wearing it because the second it was off, the brunette's eyes were drawn like magnets to Clarke's chest. The blond girl looked down at her own chest and winced when she saw how her breasts were straining against the material.

She immediately brought her eyes back up to Lexa's to explain, and she was sure that her face was the deepest possible shade of scarlet. "So I borrowed your shirt this morning because I forgot to bring my laundry downstairs last night, and I was going to tell you, but you were in the shower, and then I forgot later." Clarke took a deep breath, trying to stop herself from rambling any further. "I'm sorry that I'm, you know, stretching it out."

"That's fine. It looks nice," Lexa said absentmindedly, staring at Clarke's chest with hungry green eyes.

Clarke rolled her eyes at her roommate. "My eyes are up here, Lexa."

Lexa didn't say a word in response, but she did raise her eyes up to meet Clarke's. The blonde had to stop herself from shuddering when she saw that Lexa's eyes were almost black with desire. Lexa reached out and pulled Clarke onto her lap, and this time, the blond girl didn't try to stop her. Lexa collided her mouth with Clarke's in a heated frenzy and immediately began unbuttoning the blonde's shirt. Or rather Lexa's shirt that Clarke was borrowing. Clarke felt wetness already beginning to pool between her legs at how worked up her girlfriend had already become, and she tried not to blush when the buttons of the shirt sprang open almost of their own accord. Soon, the shirt was being discarded, and Clarke could not stop herself from bringing Lexa's shirt up and over her head as well. The blond girl moaned as she brought their bra-clad breasts together. She surged forward to suck hard on the brunette's pulse point, and she smiled in delight at the sound of the brunette's responding moan. Lexa's fingers immediately went to Clarke's bra clasp, fumbling around a bit due to Clarke's work on her neck before finally freeing the breasts that she wanted so badly to see.

The minute Clarke's bra was gone, Lexa growled hungrily and grabbed one of the blonde's nipples in her mouth, roughly kneading the other one with her hand, and Clarke couldn't hold back her moans at this new side of her girlfriend. While Lexa was usually gentle, it certainly riled Clarke up to see her girlfriend get rough with her. She tangled her fingers in Lexa's brunette locks, pushing her roommate's head further against her. Lexa's hand slowly began to creep lower, and Clarke was surprised, knowing that her roommate normally liked to take her time in the breast area. She couldn't say that she was opposed to getting off quickly this time though, now that they were both so aroused. Lexa's fingers were just about to dip below the waistband of Clarke's pants when they heard a voice behind them, causing them to spring apart.

But not soon enough.

"Clarke, you'll never believe—" Raven broke off at the sight in front of her, and Clarke turned to see both Raven and Octavia standing in the doorway, looking at the two girls with mouths dropped open in shock.

Lexa immediately moved in front of Clarke to block her from their friends' views since she still had a bra on, and Clarke was completely bare-chested. Clarke flushed in embarrassment as she grabbed the sheet and pulled it up to her chest, and she had to admit that this hadn't been how she had imagined telling her friends about her relationship with Lexa. She kind of wanted them to get out now, like she imagined any normal people would probably do, but not Octavia and Raven. They just continued to stand, gawking, in the doorway. Clarke put her hand on Lexa's shoulder, hoping that Octavia and Raven weren't making her roommate too uncomfortable with their blatant staring when she was wearing so little clothing.

Clarke was two seconds away from telling them both to get the hell out when Raven finally found her voice. "What is going on, Clarke? You and…her? You're together? Is she forcing you to do this?"

Clarke instantly jumped to Lexa's defense, wondering why it was so hard for her friends to stomach the idea of she and Lexa being a couple. "God, no. No one is forcing anyone to do anything."

"So you guys are really together then?" Octavia asked.

"Yes. I'm in love with Lexa, and she's in love with me." Clarke's gaze never left that of her friends as she said this, wanting them to see how serious she was about this.

"When were you going to tell us?" Raven asked.

Clarke noticed that the brunette still looked a bit angry, and she wondered whether it was because she was with Lexa or because she hadn't told Raven about it yet. The blonde thought that maybe it was a mixture of both. While Raven seemed to be coming around to the idea of actually being friends with Lexa lately, it was clear that she wasn't completely warmed up to the other girl just yet. Clarke understood that, but she didn't need Raven to trust Lexa. She just needed her friend to trust her.

"I swear we were going to tell you tonight at dinner."

"How long has this been going on?" Octavia questioned.

Clarke groaned at the fact that Octavia and Raven were just going to stay in the room, as if all of them were fully clothed, asking a stream of questions that seemed to be endless. "Listen, we will answer all of your questions at dinner when we won't have to repeat everything, but seriously, guys, get out! We are sitting here half-naked, and you're just going on as if this is completely normal? It's weird, and you don't need to see the sight of the two of us without shirts on for any longer."

The blonde could tell that her roommate was uncomfortable with being shirtless in front of Octavia and Raven because of the fact that she hadn't said a word to anyone since they had walked in. It warmed Clarke's heart that, no matter how uncomfortable it was making Lexa feel, the brunette still refused to move out from in front of Clarke, even though the blonde was technically less exposed than Lexa was, now that she had pulled the sheets up to cover herself.

"Fine, but you better talk," Raven told her.

Clarke nodded. "Of course."

When they left the room, the door clicking shut behind them, Clarke breathed out a sigh of relief and let the sheets fall from her chest. It seemed that the mood had been killed now by their doofus housemates because Lexa immediately got up to pull her shirt back over her head. Clarke grabbed her bra and slipped it back on before walking over to her wardrobe to find something comfortable to wear. Clarke changed out of her uniform skirt and into a pair of jeans and then she reached for a suitable shirt to wear.

"No," Lexa whined from behind her. "Put the tight shirt back on."

Clarke rolled her eyes at her girlfriend. "Lex, that shirt wasn't tight. It didn't even fit at all. Besides, I don't want to stretch it out more than I already did."

"Please, Clarke, please." Lexa looked up at her roommate with big puppy dog eyes.

"Lexa, it's going to be dinnertime soon, and I am not wearing that shirt down to dinner. I don't want everybody ogling my breasts the whole time, and you probably don't want that either." Lexa looked disappointed, and Clarke had to resist the urge to roll her eyes again before giving in. "But since you're clearly pretty horny today, I'll put it back on later, so you can rip it off again." Clarke shot a wink at Lexa. "Deal?"

Lexa swallowed thickly at the thought, and Clarke smirked when she noticed that the brunette's eyes were already darkening again. She went to grab her laundry basket to bring it downstairs, wanting to get it done before she forgot again. She added an extra sway to her step as she sauntered out of the room, hoping to drive her girlfriend crazy as she left her all alone.

* * *

When it was finally time for dinner, Clarke could tell that Lexa was nervous by the way the brunette grabbed her hand and refused to let go as they descended the staircase. Clarke knew that it didn't matter if they held hands now though because they were just going to tell everyone about their relationship anyway. Clarke suspected that Octavia and Raven probably already had, knowing them. These suspicions were confirmed when the two girls walked into the dining room, and everyone immediately cheered, congratulating them on their newfound relationship. Jasper and Monty even went as far as to do wolf whistles.

When Clarke and Lexa had taken their seats around the table, Emori was the first to speak up. "So I heard that Octavia and Raven walked in on you guys earlier when you were both topless."

"They weren't just topless. Clarke's breast was in Lexa's mouth," Raven announced to everyone at the table, and Clarke wished that she could just disappear, suddenly wondering why she had ever thought that it would be a good idea to come down here tonight in the first place. She looked over to see Lexa blushing profusely, and she was sure that her girlfriend's blush was matched on her own cheeks.

"Guys, seriously, cut it out," Clarke scolded the people at the table.

Octavia chose to ignore Clarke's wishes. "You know, I did think that I heard someone moaning last night, but I didn't really think anything of it. I thought it was just someone watching porn."

Clarke closed her eyes in utter embarrassment, wishing that there was some way that she could get her friends to stop talking. She sighed before opening her eyes again. "If you guys are going to keep making comments like that, we're going back upstairs."

"You wouldn't want to miss tonight," Raven argued. "Indra made tacos."

"You finally got her to make tacos?" Clarke raised an eyebrow at the brunette, knowing that this was something her friend had wanted for over a week now.

Raven smiled proudly. "After two weeks of pleading. I know that she loves to make home-cooked meals, but I finally got her to cave and buy taco mix from the store for me. That's what I was coming to tell you when I walked in on, you know."

Clarke rolled her eyes at her friend, but she decided to let the comment slide. The room devolved into silence as Clarke began to prepare herself a taco, and she shifted nervously in her seat because she could feel everyone's eyes on her. She knew they would speak up sooner or later, so she decided to just ignore them for now. As she bit into the crunchy shell of the taco, she felt Lexa's hand squeeze her knee under the table, and she instantly picked up on the brunette girl's discomfort.

She finally brought her gaze up to meet everyone else's with a slightly annoyed glare. "If you have questions, we'll answer them, but please stop staring and ask."

A moment of silence followed, and Clarke was relieved when it was broken by Lincoln. "How long have you two been together?"

"Around two weeks," Clarke answered honestly.

Raven shot her a look of betrayal. "And you didn't tell us until now?"

Clarke sighed in exasperation. She should have known that her friends would act like this. "Lexa didn't want anyone to know, and I agreed that we could keep it a secret. I wasn't going to force her to tell everyone when she wasn't ready to just because you feel like you needed to know, Raven."

Raven scoffed at Clarke and was about to respond when Octavia jumped in with a question. "May I ask why you didn't want anyone to know, Lexa?"

Lexa swallowed nervously and then nodded. "You may. It's because I didn't want people to know that I was moving on from Costia because I was afraid that you guys would expect me to be perfectly fine now that I'm giving Clarke a chance."

"I helped you with this, didn't I?" Anya asked from her place at the other end of the table. "When I was in your room last week, I told you that people wouldn't expect you to be the same person you were before you lost Costia if you started being friends with Clarke and the rest of the house."

"Little did you know, I would soon be banging Clarke," Lexa said boldly with a wink, evoking a chorus of surprise and approval from the table around her.

Clarke knew that she was blushing, and she felt utterly betrayed that Lexa was joking about their sex life now when only minutes ago, their friends discussing it had made her squirm. Clarke cleared her throat. "Any more questions?"

"How in the world did this happen?" Bellamy asked.

The rest of the table nodded their heads in agreement, and Clarke could see that this was a question that was on everyone's mind. When she thought about it, she supposed she could see where her housemates were coming from, since she and Lexa had hated each other at first, but she didn't think it was that bizarre for the two of them to come together.

Clarke took control of the answer. "Okay, so I know that Lexa and I started out hating each other's guts, but when she started opening up to me, we started to grow closer. You guys know that. The more we spent time together, the more our feelings developed. When we were playing kickball a few weeks ago, I kissed Lexa on the cheek after she scored a home run, and then she started to avoid me for reasons that she should probably explain."

Clarke turned her expectant gaze on Lexa, spurring the brunette to action, and she took it in stride. "So the reason that I started avoiding Clarke was because I knew that I returned her feelings, and I felt like I would be betraying Costia by starting a relationship with her. When Costia died, I vowed that I would never give myself to anyone ever again because I thought that love only ever hurts you in the end, but Clarke helped to remind me that love is beautiful. When Clarke found me up in the attic, thanks to Anya," Lexa shot a pointed look in her best friend's direction, "we argued about it, and she got me to see that Costia wouldn't want me to stay hung up on her forever. So Clarke and I made out, and we've been dating ever since."

Realization dawned on Octavia's face at Lexa's words. "When Raven and I joined you guys at Jaha's last weekend, you weren't just hanging out. That was a date, wasn't it?"

"Yes," Clarke admitted.

Octavia's lips curled down in a frown. "I'm really sorry about butting in like that."

"It's okay," Lexa assured her. "There was no way you could have known. Besides, we didn't mind. Well, apart from the fact that we both wanted to get back and have sex."

"Lexa," Clarke scolded, and the brunette just laughed, leaning over to kiss her girlfriend's cheek in apology.

"Well, that's really great, guys," Jasper said. "I'm glad to see you giving relationships another go, Lexa."

"I agree. I think you guys make a very cute couple," Monty added.

"It's nice to see that you're finally moving on," Anya said, and Clarke didn't think she had ever seen the other girl look so serious about anything.

Lexa smiled at her friend and nodded in appreciation, and Clarke was happy to see that Anya still cared about Lexa so much. Perhaps it was because Anya knew that there was more to Lexa's story than just losing Costia, but Clarke didn't think so. The fact that Anya knew about Lexa's past already proved to Clarke that there had been a special bond between the two best friends in the first place. Clarke was glad that Anya had not been put off by Lexa's behavior and was sticking around for the brunette, and she could see that the older girl was a great friend to Lexa.

As Clarke looked around at the people that were gathered at the table, she was relieved to see that there was no more resentment towards the girl who had pushed everyone away for so long. Most of the people here simply seemed to have missed the brunette in her time that she had spent holed up in her room. Clarke was not surprised by this though. She imagined that Lexa would be an easy person to miss.

"One more question," Raven said, and Clarke could tell by the mischievous look on her friend's face that the blonde was not going to like whatever she was going to ask.

Clarke decided to allow it anyway, steeling herself to accept whatever ridiculous question Raven was about to throw her way. "Yes, Raven?"

"What me and O walked in on earlier. Was it or was it not because of the shirt?"

Clarke was immediately overcome with an extreme embarrassment at Raven's question, especially because the other girl was exactly right, and she gasped in outrage, throwing a bit of meat from the taco fixings at her friend. She refused to answer the question, instead choosing to bury her face in Lexa's chest to hide her growing blush. She did not miss it though as Lexa nodded her head in answer to Raven's question, and everyone around the table laughed. Clarke burrowed deeper into Lexa's chest due to the newfound embarrassment that sprung up at the realization that Raven and Octavia had clearly told everyone sitting around the table about the shirt predicament. Clarke wished that she could just sink to the floor and crawl back to her room or spontaneously combust on the spot or something. Anything to escape this feeling of mortification.

Lexa seemed to be pretty at ease with everyone at the table, and Clarke was surprised that Lexa so easily discussed their sex life without feeling embarrassed. She had thought that her girlfriend would be just as shy about it as she was, but she was clearly wrong. She was glad though that Lexa had seemed to recover her incredibly happy mood that she had had earlier in the day before she had told Clarke about her tragic past.

The blonde recovered from her embarrassment a bit when Lexa looped an arm around her and began running her hand up and down her roommate's back. Clarke was soothed by the motion, and suddenly, she found that she didn't want to be anywhere other than where she already was. She couldn't help but smile when she heard Octavia and Raven already planning a triple date for them and their significant others, and Clarke had to admit that it sounded like a really fun idea. She lifted her head from her girlfriend's chest just in time to see Lexa flash a grin at Anya. "So, An. How does it feel to be the only single one at this table?"

Anya playfully rolled her eyes and shrugged. "I'll manage."

* * *

Later that night, Clarke and Lexa slipped into their bedclothes, even though lately, they had just been tearing these clothes right back off shortly after having put them on. Clarke pulled on her sleep shorts, but she didn't even bother putting on the loose T-shirt that she normally slept in, knowing that Lexa wanted her to wear what the brunette had referred to earlier as "the tight shirt." Clarke had barely even slid her arms through the sleeves when Lexa's hungry gaze was already drawn to her, and the blonde started to doubt that they had enough self-control to be getting changed in the same room.

Lexa reached out to still Clarke's hands before they could even touch the buttons of the shirt. "May I?"

Clarke nodded shyly, and Lexa began popping the buttons into place. Or more like button. She got the top button in fine, but when she moved to the next button, no matter how hard she tried to pull the two sides of the shirt together, she couldn't get them to meet long enough to pull the button through. Clarke's cheeks flushed in mild embarrassment.

Lexa huffed in slight frustration, letting go of the two sides of the shirt that refused to meet. "I'm sorry, Clarke. I can't do it. Your chest is just so…big. I'm not complaining though. I mean, I love your breasts. I just have no idea how you fit yourself into that shirt this morning."

"Easy," Clarke said. "Well, not completely easy, but not as hard as you make it out to be. You just have to press them down. Move them around a bit."

"I didn't want to hurt you," Lexa admitted, and Clarke waved her off, indicating that she was just being silly.

"You didn't have that concern when you were being so rough earlier," Clarke said with a smirk, which only grew when Lexa looked away with a blush.

Clarke then brought the two ends of the fabric together and buttoned the area over her breasts with only slight difficulty, having already figured out the way to maneuver them to get it to work this morning. After that was done, she buttoned the area covering her stomach with ease.

"Ta-da." Clarke spun around in a circle to show off her work to Lexa.

The buttons over her chest were straining in their holes, but they held fast, a fact that Clarke was glad for. She knew that she would die of embarrassment if any of the buttons popped off of the shirt. Lexa's eyes immediately fell to Clarke's chest, drinking in the sight that she had clearly been waiting for hours to see again. The blonde was slightly pleased that she had such an effect on her girlfriend, and she decided that she wanted to mess with the brunette for a little bit longer before she gave her what she wanted.

"Lexa, you're not allowed to look at them yet," Clarke scolded. "Not until I give you permission."

"Clarke, I am your girlfriend. Those boobs are mine," Lexa growled possessively, and that sound shot arousal straight to Clarke's core.

Clarke made a show of looking down at her chest before bringing her eyes back up to meet Lexa's. "Oh, really? It looks like they are attached to me, not you, which would make them mine. These are yours." Clarke smirked mischievously as she reached out to grope Lexa's breasts, and the brunette could not hold back a moan. Lexa immediately reciprocated by reaching out to squeeze Clarke's breasts, which elicited a moan from the blonde as well. It took all of Clarke's willpower to pull back, as she wanted to tease her girlfriend some more.

"Sorry. I'm feeling really tired right now." Clarke yawned to prove her point. "Maybe we should just go to bed tonight."

Clarke wandered over to Lexa's bed and lied down on her back, looking up at Lexa to gauge her reaction. The brunette looked uncertain if her roommate was being serious or not, and so, Clarke shot the other girl a look that said that she was most definitely not going to sleep. When Lexa didn't move to join her, Clarke brought her hands up to knead her own breasts, trying not to make a sound as she kept her eyes on Lexa's. She watched as her roommate's eyes went black with desire, just like they had earlier, and Clarke could feel the wetness pool between her thighs when Lexa growled.

Lexa was on top of her girlfriend in an instant, pulling Clarke's hands roughly away and replacing them with her own. Lexa crashed their lips together, and she had the blonde's shirt off in record time. Clarke was surprised that Lexa didn't tear off a single button with how fast she was moving. Soon, Clarke's bra was being unclasped and tossed aside, and then Lexa's mouth was on Clarke's nipple, sucking roughly while her hand kneaded the other. Clarke pulled at Lexa's hair, delighted at the sensations that were rippling through her body at the feel of her girlfriend's actions. Lexa spent an excruciatingly long time playing with Clarke's breasts tonight, but the blonde didn't complain, knowing that her roommate was still worked up from when they had been interrupted earlier.

When Lexa finally moved lower on the blonde, she removed Clarke's pants and underwear at the same time. Soon, Clarke was lying completely naked underneath Lexa, and she supposed that she should probably be embarrassed by how wet the other girl found her, but for what felt like the first time that day, she actually wasn't.

Lexa turned teasing green eyes up to meet Clarke's. "You're a little worked up, aren't you?"

"That's what happens when someone spends twenty minutes playing with your breasts," Clarke shot back, not even fazed in the slightest by Lexa's teasing.

"Well, I suppose since you were so patient with me and allowed me to have my way with you, I should not tease you any further." Lexa did not even give Clarke a chance to respond before dipping her tongue inside the blonde, and Clarke moaned at the feeling. She gripped the sheets as Lexa's tongue thrusted in and out of her, and Clarke felt her back arch up off the bed, completely lost in the intense pleasure that Lexa was giving her tonight. As Clarke's moans grew louder, Lexa removed her tongue and entered Clarke immediately with three fingers instead, moving up to swallow Clarke's moans with a kiss. Clarke squealed in delight when she tasted herself on Lexa's tongue, fisting her fingers into brunette hair to pull her girlfriend impossibly closer.

When Clarke finally fell over the edge, she screamed Lexa's name louder than she ever had before, her body overstimulated due to all of the foreplay, and she was suddenly glad that Lexa's mouth was there to muffle it, especially since Octavia had commented at dinner about having heard one of them moan last night. Lexa's fingers remained in Clarke's body to help her ride out her orgasm, and when Clarke finally came down from her high, she watched as Lexa removed her fingers and sucked them clean.

Clarke curled into Lexa's side to rest for a moment as her breathing returned to normal. "I may need to rest for a few minutes after that one. Then, I'll try my best to give you as good of an orgasm as you just gave me."

Lexa smiled and pressed a light kiss to the top of her roommate's blond head. "We have all night, Clarke. Take all the time you need."


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Sunday, everyone! I hope that all of you are having a great weekend and that anyone who might have been affected stayed safe from the hurricane. Nothing much happened where I live, aside from power outages and some trees falling, but I know that it did cause some damage, especially for those who lived along beaches. I hope that any of you who may have lived in those areas are doing fine. Thank you all for continuing to read this story, and I hope you enjoy the new chapter!

Clarke awoke the next morning to find that she was still lying in Lexa's bed with the brunette curled into her side. This was how she was waking up every morning lately, and she didn't think that she would ever tire of it. In fact, she was feeling so warm and comfortable right now that she wished that she could just stay in bed with her roommate forever. She was seriously tempted to allow herself to fall back asleep, but when she glanced over at the clock on Lexa's nightstand and realized that it was already ten, she forced herself to get up because she wanted to get downstairs to breakfast before Jasper, Monty, and Bellamy ate it all.

Clarke slipped out of bed, trying her best not to wake her girlfriend as she moved, and luckily, Lexa just rolled over and continued to sleep. Clarke quickly pulled on some clothes and made her way downstairs. When she reached the dining room, she noticed that Indra was still in the kitchen preparing breakfast, and she remembered that she still needed to pick her shirts up from the laundry room. Residents of the house could just put their clothes into the washing machine, and Indra would make sure that they were dried and waiting by the next morning. Sure enough, when Clarke walked into the laundry room, she was greeted with the sight all of her shirts folded nicely and waiting in her basket by the door.

Clarke picked up her shirts and shouted a quick thank you to Indra as she passed her in the kitchen. On her way to the stairs, she passed Bellamy and Lincoln, who were clearly heading for the dining room, and she quickened her pace, wanting to get down to breakfast before the best food had been picked over. However, all thoughts of breakfast vanished from Clarke's mind the moment that she entered her room.

Lexa was thrashing around on the bed, making whimpering noises, and Clarke quickly dropped her basket next to her own bed and rushed across the room to try and comfort the other girl, who was clearly having a nightmare. Clarke thought that it looked to be a bad one, and she immediately began shaking Lexa in the hopes that it would awaken her roommate. "Lexa. Lexa, it's just a dream. Wake up."

Lexa's eyes sprang open, but Clarke could tell that the brunette was not fully awake yet because she was looking at Clarke with wild eyes. The blonde tried to reach out a comforting hand to her roommate, but the minute she touched the other girl, Lexa jerked away violently, tumbling off of the bed. "Don't touch me!"

"Whoa, Lexa. Stop. It's okay." Clarke made her way over to Lexa's side to make sure that she wasn't hurt, but the brunette just scrambled further away.

"Stay away from me!" she shrieked.

Lexa continued to back away until she hit the corner of the room, leaning back against her wardrobe, which was against the wall, and pulling her knees up to her chest. Clarke was extremely perplexed by her roommate's behavior, and she found that she had no idea why she was acting like this, nor did she have any idea what had brought on this frightening level of nightmare.

Clarke looked around the room, desperate to find some means of comfort for her girlfriend. When her eyes landed on the blanket on Lexa's bed, Clarke decided that it would have to do, and she quickly grabbed it, gently wrapping it around Lexa's still-naked form. The brunette girl didn't flinch away this time, instead clutching tightly to the blanket, and Clarke could see that she was drawing some kind of comfort from it. The blonde slowly crouched down in front of her roommate, careful not to startle the other girl, and she restrained herself from reaching out to touch Lexa as she tried again to get through to her. "Lexa, calm down. It's just me. Clarke. You're okay."

Lexa's eyes seemed to finally fully focus on Clarke's blue ones for the first time that morning. "Clarke?" she asked warily with wide green eyes, as if she was just seeing the other girl for the first time.

"I'm right here," the blonde said gently.

Lexa grabbed tightly to Clarke's hands as if to ground herself, and the blonde remained silent for a moment, allowing Lexa some time to come to and fully realize that what she had been dreaming about was not real. Clarke was just starting to feel at ease again when Lexa began shaking, and Clarke's eyes widened in panic. "Lexa, what's wrong?"

The brunette began gasping for breath at that moment, releasing her grip on Clarke's hands and instead moving her hands up to claw at her throat. "Can't…breathe," she managed to choke out.

Clarke was on her feet in an instant, running quickly for the hallway. She had no idea what to do, and it scared her more than she'd like to admit. The only thing running through her brain was to get help fast, and so she was headed to find the first person that she thought of at the moment who might be able to help her.

When Clarke threw the door open, she smacked right into Raven, who looked as if she had been heading over to Clarke's room. Raven's brows knitted in confusion and worry when she looked from the blonde, who was practically shaking with fear, to Lexa, who was sitting on the ground, gasping for breath. "I thought I heard someone yelling. What the hell is going on in here?"

"Lexa had a nightmare, and now, I think she's having some sort of panic attack, and I don't know what to do." Clarke was trying her best to hold back the frantic tears that were beginning to form in her eyes. "Please go get Anya."

Raven nodded instantly, clearly grasping the seriousness of the situation, and she rushed off down the hall. Clarke returned to Lexa's side and tentatively held out her hands to the brunette, wanting to help, but unsure if the other girl would want to be touched. She felt slightly relieved when Lexa grasped tightly to her hands, but her worry flared up again when she noticed her roommate's fear-filled green eyes. Clarke didn't think that she'd ever seen Lexa look so afraid before. The brunette was normally so put together, and it was scary for Clarke to see her like this. She tried her best to comfort her roommate with her touch as she waited for Raven, who she could hear down the hall shouting into Anya's room, "Something freaky is happening to Lexa!"

Clarke heard Anya yell, "Shit!" and then the sound of loud footsteps coming quickly down the hall. From the other girl's reaction, Clarke gathered that this was not the first time Anya had seen this happen to Lexa, and the blonde seriously hoped that the older girl would know what to do. When Anya burst into the room, with Raven trailing nervously behind her, she went straight to the bottom right drawer of Lexa's vanity and pulled out a paper bag. Anya didn't even acknowledge Clarke, and the younger girl wondered briefly if Anya even registered that she was there.

Anya quickly crossed the room, giving the bag to Lexa, who immediately put it over her mouth, and Clarke let out a sigh of relief when her roommate was finally able to breathe again. Clarke watched on, still in shock, as the bag went in and out with the deep breaths that Lexa was now able to take.

"Keep your eyes on hers." Anya acknowledged Clarke for the first time. "She needs that."

Clarke quickly brought her eyes back up from the bag to meet Lexa's, and green eyes latched onto blue like a lifeline, the brunette finally beginning to calm down at the comforting sight.

"She likes it when you stroke her hair as well. Costia always used to do that," Anya commented.

Clarke wasted no time in running her fingers soothingly through her roommate's hair, and Lexa seemed to sigh at the feeling of Clarke's touch. The blonde could already tell that doing both of these things was helping Lexa immensely, and so she didn't dare to stop, continuing to run her fingers through brown hair and keep her eyes firmly fixed on Lexa's until the brunette finally lowered the bag.

Clarke could already see Lexa's lips beginning to tremble, and so she immediately held out her arms to the brunette, and Lexa collapsed against her. Clarke rubbed Lexa's back soothingly as the brunette burst into tears, and she began to rock her roommate back and forth, whispering comforting words into her ear. It took all that Clarke had to keep from crying herself at the sight of the girl she loved in such distress, and she was relieved when Lexa's sobs finally died down, replaced with silent tears. Clarke was still too shocked to say anything though as she clutched tightly to the brunette, not letting up on her grip, and she knew that she was no longer just holding onto Lexa for the other girl's sake.

"You haven't had a panic attack in almost two years." Anya was the one to finally break the silence. "You forgot to take your medication, didn't you?"

Clarke furrowed her brows in confusion as she finally raised her head to look at Anya. "Medication?"

"I have pills that I am supposed to take every night to prevent nightmares," Lexa explained. "I got them freshman year because I used to have nightmares a lot, and they actually work really well. I haven't had a nightmare since I started taking them."

"Until now," Clarke remarked, wondering if this could have been caused by what they talked about yesterday. "I've never seen you take any pills. Ever. Not even after we…you know."

Lexa's cheeks tinged a faint pink, and she averted her eyes from Clarke's as she said her next words. "I always took them after you had fallen asleep because I did not wish for you to ask me what they were for. Honestly, I just did not want you to think that I was weak because I could not stop my own nightmares. On that night that we first slept together though, I accidentally fell asleep before I could take my pills, and I was surprised when I woke up to find that I had slept soundly, without a nightmare. I think it was because you were there, Clarke, and I felt safe in your arms." She hung her head in embarrassment then, as if she knew that her girlfriend was not going to like whatever she was about to say next. "Since we have been sleeping together every night now, I thought that I did not need my medication anymore."

"But I left this morning before you woke up to go get my shirts from the laundry room. I wasn't holding you anymore, and especially after what you had just told me yesterday, you were plunged into a nightmare," Clarke deduced.

Lexa just nodded, and both Clarke and Anya shot the brunette disapproving looks.

"I don't care how safe you think you feel with me, Lexa. You need to take your medication," Clarke chided her girlfriend. "That was scary. For everyone in this room. If there are precautions to take, you need to take them so that something like this doesn't happen again." Lexa hung her head in embarrassment, and Clarke instantly felt a little guilty, like maybe she was being a little hard on the brunette after what she had just gone through. "Maybe someday, we can get to the point where you don't need your medication anymore, and I hope we do, but until then, we need to make sure you take it."

Lexa lifted her eyes back up to Clarke's and nodded. The blonde tried to give her roommate a reassuring smile, to let Lexa know that she wasn't really upset with her, but she did not know how successful she had been.

At that moment, Anya crouched down beside where Clarke and Lexa sat upon the floor, looking the brunette over carefully. "Are you okay, Lexa?"

Green eyes raised up to meet brown. "Yes, Anya. Thank you for saving me this morning."

Clarke nodded in agreement with her roommate's statement. She was sort of amazed at how calm Anya had been throughout this entire ordeal when Clarke herself had been freaking out. It had been frightening for her to see Lexa go through something like that, and she knew that Anya must have seen Lexa have these kinds of attacks quite frequently in the past because the older blonde had known exactly what to do.

"Not a problem," Anya answered, shrugging off the thanks that she had received.

It was at that moment that Raven finally spoke up from behind them, and Clarke had to admit that she had completely forgotten that the other girl was even in the room. "Is someone going to tell me what the hell is going on?"

"Lexa had a panic attack that was caused by a nightmare," Clarke responded, even though she knew that that was not what Raven had been asking.

"I can see that." Raven rolled her eyes. "But you all seem to know exactly what the nightmare was about without her having told you, and it must be serious if she has these nightmares on the regular without some kind of special medication."

Clarke instantly looked to Lexa for permission to tell Raven the truth. The blonde honestly hated lying, but she would never even think about telling her friend anything that Lexa did not want her to know. Lexa had already explained to Clarke that she didn't want the rest of the house to know about her past, so Clarke was already thinking of a suitable lie before Lexa could even shake her head. The blonde was slightly shocked when Lexa nodded instead, giving Clarke permission to tell Raven the truth. She searched Lexa's eyes for any sign of reluctance or uncertainty, but she found none, so she turned her attention back to her friend.

"Lexa was abused by her stepfather when she was younger," Clarke said.

Raven's jaw dropped open in shock. "Really? Like…abused how?"

"Yes, really. He used to beat her," Clarke answered.

Clarke could see the raw emotion that was displayed on Raven's face, and she thought that she could see a bit of regret, too. She couldn't be sure what it was for, but she had a pretty good sense that her friend was regretting ever having hated Lexa in the first place now that she knew the full story, even though Clarke was pretty sure that Raven would never admit that.

"I'm really sorry, Lexa," Raven finally said.

"It's fine. What's done is done," Lexa said simply.

Even though Lexa appeared to be alright now, Clarke could tell that she was not. Tears still hid in the furthest crevices of Lexa's eyes, and there was a faraway look in those two green orbs that gave Clarke the impression that Lexa was still not completely in the present. She knew that the best thing to do right now would probably be to get rid of their company so that she could talk to Lexa alone. "Raven, could you go downstairs and tell Indra that Lexa and I might be a little late to breakfast this morning?"

"Yeah, sure. I'll make sure she saves some for both of you," Raven promised.

Anya caught onto the hint as well. "I should probably head down to breakfast, too. Emori's probably waiting on me. I hope we'll see you guys there."

Once the two girls were both gone from the room, and the door was shut behind them, Clarke turned her full attention back to her roommate. "Are you okay, Lex?"

Lexa nodded, trying to keep the traces of fear and sorrow out of her eyes, but Clarke saw right through her act. "You know, it's okay if you're hurting, Lexa. I'm your girlfriend, and I love you, no matter what. You don't have to pretend around me."

Just like that, the walls came down, and the tears sprung up in green eyes again. "It all just felt so real. I haven't had a nightmare in so long. I know that I talked about my past just yesterday, and it was hard, but it was nothing compared to this. I mean, I remember everything that happened, but I had forgotten what it actually felt like. What he did to me."

Clarke wiped away the tear that had managed to escape from the green pool. "It's okay, LW. He can't get to you now. You're going to be just fine."

Lexa nodded in response before leaning back into Clarke and resting her head against the blonde's shoulder. She was silent for a few moments before she spoke again. "Will you just hold me for a while?"

"Of course," Clarke said. "I've got you, and I'm not going anywhere."

She began to rub her roommate's back with one hand, and she used the other hand to play with Lexa's brunette curls, since she now knew that her girlfriend liked it and drew comfort from the gesture. She pressed a gentle kiss to Lexa's head, and she wished more than anything that there was something more that she could do for the girl who had just cracked open in her arms, but she knew that there wasn't. If all she could do for the other girl right now was hold her, then Clarke was going to hold that girl for as long as she needed.

* * *

When the two girls finally went downstairs for breakfast, the other residents were just finishing up their own meals. Everyone had been talking and laughing, like on any other morning, but the table fell silent at the sight of Clarke and Lexa, and the blonde didn't have to wonder anymore whether or not Raven had told everyone about Lexa's panic attack. Clarke sat down in the uncomfortable silence, even though she wanted nothing more than to just turn around and leave after the stressful morning that she and her roommate had had. She could tell that Lexa wanted the same thing, but she forced herself to sit down as well.

At that moment, Indra came out of the kitchen, carrying two plates of pancakes, which she set down in front of Clarke and Lexa, and the two girls accepted them graciously. The older woman shot Lexa a sympathetic look as the young brunette reached for the butter. "I heard that you had a rough morning, Lexa."

Lexa just nodded politely. "I did."

"I'm very sorry that you had to go through something like that. How are you feeling?" Indra asked.

Clarke cringed at the questioning, thinking that Lexa probably would not like all of the sympathy that was being directed at her, but the brunette did not seem to be bothered by it. Or if she was, she did a good job of hiding it, because Clarke could not tell.

"Much better," Lexa answered. "I just needed some time alone with Clarke."

Indra gave Lexa a warm smile, and the brunette returned it. Clarke was shocked at how happy and put together Lexa was looking right now when only moments ago, she had looked broken and empty upstairs while Clarke held her in their room. Either Lexa got over things surprisingly easily, or she was just really good at hiding her emotions when she wanted to. Clarke was pretty sure that it was the latter, since she herself was still a bit shaken up from this morning when she hadn't even been the one to have the attack. She honestly wasn't sure how she felt about that, and she could only hope that Lexa never tried to hide anything from her because she didn't know if she would be able to tell that the other girl was hiding anything at all.

Once Indra left the room, silence descended upon the table like a thick wool blanket. It was suffocating, and Clarke suddenly began to understand why Lexa never wanted to tell everyone about her past. She was afraid that they would treat her just like this. Clarke placed a comforting hand on Lexa's knee, and Lexa brought a hand down to rest over Clarke's. Neither one of them had even eaten a bite of their food yet, and Clarke was just about to suggest that they go back upstairs when Octavia finally broke the silence. "Lexa, we had no idea that you were abused by your stepdad before you came here. Why didn't you ever tell us?"

Lexa seemed slightly surprised that the people at the table knew about this, and she immediately shot a pointed look at Raven. "So you told them everything."

"No. I did." Anya spoke up. "Raven only told them that you guys would be late to breakfast because you had a panic attack. She wouldn't say anything more, but these annoying little shits kept on asking. They all thought that your panic attack was Costia-related because really, what else could it be with what they knew? They kept asking me questions, and they were testing my patience, and someone, I won't name any names, was wondering how you could fully love Clarke if you were still so hung up on Costia. I felt like I had to tell them after that one, to make them feel like shit for even suggesting such a thing. I'm sorry though, Lexa. I know it wasn't really my decision to make."

"It's fine, Anya. You were defending my honor." Lexa cracked a smile. "Besides, if I've learned anything from hiding my relationship with Clarke, it's that everyone would have probably found out eventually, and not in the way I'd want."

Everyone let out a short chuckle at the statement before the mood of the table turned more serious again.

"We're all really sorry you went through that, Lexa," Jasper said. "You had a crappy childhood, and then you lost Costia, and I am so sorry."

"It's fine, guys. Seriously. As long as I remember to take my meds at night, I shouldn't have any more nightmares. Besides, I am finally feeling happy again, especially now that I have Clarke." Lexa glanced at her girlfriend with a small smile, and Clarke leaned over to press a quick kiss to her lips.

"Still, I'm really sorry that I was ever mean to you, Lexa, and that I was so reluctant to give you a second chance. You didn't deserve that." Raven looked down at her plate in shame, and Clarke had to stop her mouth from dropping open in shock at the fact that Raven Reyes had just apologized of her own accord. Clarke had never thought she'd live to see the day.

"I'm sorry as well," Bellamy spoke up from across the table. "The only reason that I was so mean to you was because I didn't think that losing Costia gave you the right to treat everyone like crap, but if I had known that your entire life was, well, crap, I would've been a whole lot nicer."

Lexa smiled at both of them. "It's not too late to start now. Besides, just because I had a pretty crap life up until this point didn't give me the right to treat everyone else badly. Doing that was hurting me just as much as it was hurting you guys, and I never would have started feeling better if I would have kept that up." Lexa paused for a moment before continuing to speak to everyone at the table. "Thank you for being so nice and understanding, guys, but I want you to know that, while you guys are just learning about this, it's not something that just happened to me. It was my past, and it's over. There's nothing I or anyone else can do to change it, and I have been doing fine for a while now, with all of it. I learned to deal with it a long time ago, and I don't want you to treat me any differently because of it."

Clarke watched as the people around the table nodded and voiced their understanding, and she was glad that her roommate had given their housemates the same speech that the brunette had given her. The blonde knew that she herself had already begun to understand this before Lexa had even said anything, but these people didn't get Lexa as well as Clarke did, and the blonde wouldn't want them to start babying Lexa and make the brunette even more uncomfortable than she probably already was in the face of sharing this new information with them.

Clarke had to admit that she was proud of how far Lexa had come since she had first met the brunette. The Lexa that was sitting beside Clarke now was nowhere near the cruel girl that she had originally thought her roommate to be. Lexa handled this situation so well and was so nice to everyone, and Clarke was really happy that she had actually gotten to know the sweet girl that was behind the high walls. She couldn't imagine her life without the brunette now, and this only made her all the more angry that anyone would ever want to hurt her roommate.

"Could we let it go for now then?" Lexa asked. "I don't really like to talk about it."

"Of course," Octavia agreed easily. "How about we discuss strategies to try out at the next kickball day in gym?"

"No way." Raven was quick to protest. "Emori is right here, and she plays for Azgeda House. She'll just tell them all of our secrets."

"I will not," Emori argued. "I have to play with you guys for the actual tournament anyway, so why would I give away our plans to the enemy?"

As the house began to discuss kickball tactics, Clarke smiled as she watched Lexa finally begin to eat her pancakes, and Clarke allowed herself to eat hers as well. They were banana pancakes this morning, and they were delicious, as all of Indra's food always was. The blonde was really glad that Lexa was able to deal with all of this so well, and she knew that it was for the best that everyone in the house knew what had happened to the brunette so that no one else would have to find out like Raven had. Clarke felt Lexa's hand slip into hers, and she gave it a gentle squeeze, not letting go as she threw out a kickball plan of her own.

* * *

That evening, Lexa found herself at the movie theater with Anya, even though she had originally hoped to just spend a chill night in with Clarke. Now that she was here though, she was glad that she had come because she and Anya had used the short walk over to the theater to catch up, and they had chosen a horror movie this time. Even though she hadn't minded the rom-com that she and Clarke had gone to see last weekend, she was much more into horror, and she found it helpful that she wasn't distracted this time by the girl that was sitting beside her.

Lexa shoved some popcorn into her mouth as she watched the screen, and she was thankful that horror was Anya's favorite genre, too. It had been Costia's as well, and the three of them had gone to every new horror movie that had come out during their freshman year. Sometimes, they even managed to drag Emori along, even though the other girl would normally whine about how she would much rather see an action movie. She was more into the whole superhero thing. Lexa was relieved that she could now think about these memories with a smile on her face when, only a few months ago, remembering such a thing would have caused a fresh ache to open up inside her chest.

Once the movie had ended, Lexa and Anya could not stop raving to each other about how great it had been, and Lexa was glad to see that her best friend had clearly enjoyed it as much as she had. Once their initial excitement had died down, Lexa decided that she wanted talk about something more serious. Maybe it was due to the emotional high that she was at from the thrill of seeing the movie, or maybe she just wanted a chance to talk to her best friend while the two of them were alone, but as they passed under the light of a streetlamp on their walk back to campus, Lexa decided that she was finally ready to talk to her friend about what had happened that morning. "Thank you for helping me this morning and being so calm about it. I think that really helped Clarke, especially because you knew exactly what I needed."

Anya raised an eyebrow at her. "I've done this quite a bit, remember? I was always the calm one at first before Costia got used to it and took over. She was always better at it than me though. The hair thing was a nice touch, but you know I could never forget exactly what to do."

"So why did you let Clarke do it?" Lexa asked curiously, having been wondering since that morning. "You knew exactly what to do, and she didn't, and you always used to do it when Costia flipped out, so why did you let Clarke do it instead of taking over the moment you got there?"

"You needed it to be Clarke," Anya answered simply with a shrug. "She can comfort you now in a way that I'll never be able to, so it's obvious that she would be able to calm you down the quickest. Besides, she's your girlfriend; she should know how to take care of you."

Lexa hung her head a little at this. "I wish she didn't need to. She shouldn't have to take care of me all the time. I know that that can be really hard on her, and she shouldn't have to go through that because of me. I know that I'm probably really difficult to deal with right now, and sometimes, I wish that she could have just been with someone normal because, I don't know, I feel like I don't deserve her."

"Lexa, look at me," Anya instructed, and the brunette did. "Clarke wants to be there for you. She could have broken up with you at any time, but she didn't because she is choosing to love you, no matter what. Another reason that I let Clarke take charge this morning was because, even though I could tell that she was afraid, I could also see a bit of frustration in her eyes because she didn't know what to do to help you, and she _wanted_ to. You don't have to feel like you're a burden on Clarke. I know that I don't know her as well as you do, but you can trust me when I say that she has never felt that way about you."

Lexa dipped her head in gratitude. "Thank you. Sometimes, I still need to be reassured of that, you know? I've never really been loved like this before."

"So you really love her then?" Anya asked. "Maybe even more than Costia?"

Lexa bit her lip, hesitating to say out loud what she had barely even allowed herself to think. However, Anya's eyes were warm and reassuring, and Lexa reminded herself that she could tell her best friend anything. "I think so. The way I feel about Clarke is different than what I've ever felt for anyone else. Stronger somehow. I mean, she saw the good in me, even when I was being a complete asshole, and she stuck by my side through everything because she was, for some reason, determined to help me. I know I always used to say that Costia was my soulmate, but I'm starting to think that maybe Clarke is."

Anya smiled at the brunette. "I'm really happy to hear that because I think she might be, too. Costia would be so proud of you. You know that, right?"

Lexa turned hopeful eyes on her best friend. "You really think so?"

"I know so," Anya said definitively.

As the two of them walked into the house, it was almost silent inside, no sign of anyone in the common area. The sight of the house so empty gave it an almost eerie feel, and it was only then that Lexa realized how bustling and full of life it usually was. When Lexa glanced at the grandfather clock that was in the hallway, she saw that the reason for this desertedness was that it was ten minutes before curfew. It seemed that she and Anya had made it back just in time.

"That was really fun," Anya said as they climbed up the staircase. "I hope we can do this again sometime."

"Of course," Lexa responded. "I loved spending time with you again."

Anya began to chuckle to herself, and Lexa looked at her with a confused frown until the older girl explained that she was laughing about a scene from the movie. "I still can't believe that couple came face to face with a demon, and not even two minutes later, they were having sex as if nothing had happened."

Lexa shrugged. "Some people are stupid."

"It serves them right that they died."

Lexa could not stop a laugh from escaping her lips as she nodded her head in agreement with her best friend's statement.

When they reached Lexa's room, Anya leaned in to hug her before making her way down the hallway to her own room. "Have fun with your girl."

Lexa waggled her eyebrows at her best friend, causing the other girl to laugh and give her a fake gag. As Lexa pushed open the door to join the roommate that she was so eager to see, she wondered how it was that Anya always seemed to dispel her doubts and assure her that she was doing the right thing.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovely readers! For some reason, I had a hard time getting this chapter written down, and I feel like I've edited it a million times, so I hope that the end result turned out okay. My friend RhydianKnight helped me with it a lot, and you guys can thank her for the ending, which I was not originally going to include. If you haven't read her story Darkest Calling yet, you should definitely check it out because I am loving it so far! Anyways, enjoy the new chapter! It's a long one :)

Lexa sat next to Clarke in the back of Octavia's car, on their way to the triple date that Octavia and Raven had been so keen about going on. The four girls had decided to carpool together, as Octavia was the only one with a car, and Bellamy hitched a ride with Lincoln because the car that he shared with his sister was currently full. Well, not completely full. They still had room for one more person, but when Lincoln offered to drive him, Bellamy figured that it would be much better to have his space. Lexa was grateful of this fact because she did not really like the idea of being crammed in the back seat. She would much rather only share her space with Clarke.

The four of them were meeting the boys at a paintball place that was about a half hour's drive from the school, and Lexa fidgeted in her seat at the thought. She had never played paintball before, but Octavia, Raven, Bellamy, and Lincoln had all seemed pretty excited at the prospect of going, and Lexa had decided not to argue with them. It couldn't hurt for her to try something new, and it would provide her with a way to get closer to her housemates that she didn't know as well. She only hoped that she would not be so horrible at the game that she would embarrass herself in front of everybody.

Lexa was jolted out of her nervous thoughts when Clarke reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing it gently. "You don't have to be so nervous, Lexa. The only time I've ever played paintball was last year with my so-called friends, and I was drunk, so it doesn't really count. I mean, I barely even remember it."

Lexa chuckled a little and smiled up at her girlfriend, relieved to know that she wasn't the only one who didn't know how to play the game. "That definitely makes me feel a little better."

She threaded their fingers together, and she was just leaning over to give Clarke a quick kiss on the cheek when she was interrupted by the girl in the shotgun seat. "No. You guys can't do anything coupley yet. We don't have our significant others here, and the date hasn't started yet, which means that you guys don't get to make out in the backseat and force us to watch."

"We're not forcing you to do anything, Rae." Clarke raised an eyebrow at her friend, and Lexa felt a slight blush creep across her face. The brunette suddenly found that she now wanted to do exactly what her girlfriend had hinted at, and she forced herself to look away before Clarke's glossy pink lips could taunt her any further.

"We were not about to start making out." Lexa shot a pointed look at her roommate. "I was just leaning over to kiss Clarke on the cheek."

"Sure you were," Raven smirked over her shoulder, as if she could see right through Lexa's lie. Only it wasn't a lie. Lexa was telling the truth, and her face morphed into a scowl as she looked at Raven.

Lexa was about to argue some more, but Octavia jumped in before she could. "Well, no kissing at all. You're making me miss Lincoln."

Clarke rolled her eyes at her friend. "You haven't seen him for all of about ten minutes."

"It doesn't matter. I miss him," Octavia said with a pout.

Lexa could hear Clarke grumbling under her breath, and she wondered if she herself would be so quick to miss the blonde beside her, had they not been riding together. She liked to think that she would be able to survive more than ten minutes without Clarke by her side. She did so every day at school. However, she knew that she would in fact start longing for the blonde if she had to watch Octavia and Lincoln making out in the back seat when Clarke wasn't in the car. She heard Clarke sigh beside her, and the blonde finally gave in. "Fine. No couple stuff until we get there."

"Oh, really?" Raven simply looked back at the blonde with an amused smirk. "I can see you two holding hands. Or did you think we wouldn't notice?"

Clarke reluctantly dropped Lexa's hand, and while the brunette had thought Raven and Octavia's antics to be funny up until now, because of the way they were getting on Clarke's nerves, she did not think this anymore. Lexa could not help glaring at Raven because she had really been enjoying the feeling of Clarke's hand in hers. Holding her roommate's hand was comforting and was working wonders to calm the nerves that had been rising inside of Lexa ever since they had started getting ready for the date. She found herself to be a little bitter now that she was being told that she could not touch the girl who was sitting right next to her.

"You should've just made me ride with the others then," Lexa mumbled.

Octavia shot her a sympathetic look in the rearview mirror. "We didn't mean it like that, Lexa. We were only teasing. You're our friend, and we genuinely wanted you to ride with us. You can hold Clarke's hand if you need to."

Lexa honestly hadn't even meant to make Octavia think that she did not feel welcome, but it was nice to hear that the other girl really wanted her along. It was what Octavia had said afterwards that really didn't sit well with Lexa. Specifically, the word "need." Lexa didn't _need_ to do anything that anyone else didn't, and she hated the way that Octavia was looking at her like she would break at any moment simply because she had stopped holding Clarke's hand. This was exactly why she had refused to tell everyone about her past in the first place. Yes, it had happened, and yes, it was traumatic, but it was over now, and she just wanted to moved past it. She didn't want to be the girl that got special privileges because other people were afraid she might break. She wanted her housemates to treat her like they would treat anyone else. Like they would treat Clarke. She thought she had gotten through to them all when she had told them about this at breakfast on Saturday, but clearly her message had not sunken in quite yet.

Lexa knew though that now was not the time to talk to them about it or make a scene. This date was important to all of them, Lexa included, and she wanted the mood to remain lighthearted so that they could all just have fun. Lexa was careful not to let any of her emotions play out on her face, and she simply forced a smile that she knew would look genuine to everyone in that car. "It's fine, Octavia. I was just joking, too. I think I can control myself enough that I do not need to hold Clarke's hand."

Octavia just smiled at her, and the moment was gone. The other brunette's main focus was back on the road again, and the pity was completely gone from her gaze. Lexa wished that she could be relieved, but she only felt uneasy after what had just happened. If there was one thing that she had learned from her childhood, it was how to hide her true feelings from people. She had had to do it countless times when in front of her peers and teachers. She had been forced to pretend that everything was fine and that she was happy every single day when, in reality, her world had been crumbling, and she knew that she could still pull it off without flaw because not a single person in the car had even batted an eye at Lexa's statement.

Not even Clarke.

The blonde, who could usually see right through Lexa's defenses, didn't even look at her twice, clearly not picking up on Lexa's discomfort at what Octavia had said, and Lexa found herself unnerved by it. Once Lexa had met Costia, she had vowed never to put on her perfectly constructed mask around people ever again. When Costia had died, she didn't even bother to try and suppress her anger and hurt, instead allowing them to run rampant, because she was so sick and tired of having to pretend that everything was fine all the time. She hadn't truly been hiding her emotions for a long time now, and she cursed herself for reverting back to her old habits, a little put off by how easy it had been to slip that mask back on.

She had to admit that what she had done had probably been for the best in this situation though. She knew that she had to be believable if she didn't want her friends to press her about it, and she didn't want to get angry with anyone when they were supposed to be having fun. She also didn't want to turn the mood of the car irreparably serious by trying to get them to understand what was really bothering her, so she let it slide for the moment. She could only hope that she didn't have to use that mask again anytime soon.

* * *

When they arrived at Dante's Paintball Park, Bellamy and Lincoln were already there, and the two boys offered to teach Clarke and Lexa how to shoot before they started to play an actual game. Both girls readily accepted this offer so that they would have a chance against the others when the game actually began.

Once they had rented their guns, Lincoln moved to help Lexa, and Octavia served as her target. Lexa paid close attention as Lincoln taught her how to aim her gun and set up her stance correctly, and then Lexa was ready to try it for herself. She squeezed the trigger and frowned when her paintball went nowhere near Octavia. That frown was quickly turned into laughter when she realized that she had accidentally hit Raven, who was serving as Clarke's target.

"Hey!" Raven shouted, unable to stop a smile of her own from breaking out on her face. "You're supposed to be aiming for O, not me."

Lexa just shot her a toothy grin before turning her attention back to Octavia. She focused hard on Lincoln's pointers, and soon, she was hitting Octavia almost every time she shot. She realized that in focusing so hard on shooting correctly, she had completely forgotten her unease from what had happened in the car earlier. She found herself smiling because even she could admit that paintball was kind of fun, now that she had gotten the hang of it, and she was pretty excited now to play for real. She turned her excited grin on Clarke, about to ask her girlfriend if she was ready to play, when she noticed that Clarke hadn't hit Raven once in all the time that they had been practicing. The only paint that was covering Raven's vest was from Lexa's own stray paintball. Clarke furrowed her brows in concentration and squeezed her trigger again, but her shot did not hit its mark, even though it did come awfully close. The blonde was just about to try again when Lexa stepped up behind her, taking hold of her gun and aiming it correctly before moving her hand over Clarke's hand that held the trigger and pulling it, the paint exploding over Raven's chest.

"Ah, that one stung," Raven said, and for the first time, Lexa wondered what it felt like to get hit with a paintball. She supposed that she would find out soon enough, and she could only hope that it would not be too painful.

"I did it!" Clarke said with a wide grin.

"Technically, Lexa did it," Bellamy pointed out from behind them.

Lexa expected that Clarke's smile would falter at this realization, but the smile never even left her face as she glanced in Bellamy's direction, clearly excited about having hit her target, regardless of how she had done it. "I'm just going to pretend you never said that."

"Great. Since you did hit me, Clarke, I guess we're ready to play," Raven said.

"Actually, I could probably use a little more practice," Clarke admitted, her smile finally faltering, and now, it seemed as if Clarke was the one who was nervous. Or maybe she had always been nervous, and Lexa simply hadn't noticed it because of her own nervousness. If that was the case, then the fact that Lexa had gotten the hang of the game so quickly when Clarke was clearly struggling with it couldn't have helped.

"You'll do fine." Lexa did her best to reassure the other girl. "I know you will."

Clarke nodded, her features relaxing as Lexa grabbed her hand, and the brunette was glad that she had this kind of effect on her girlfriend because she knew that it didn't take Clarke long to calm her down either.

When they split into teams, it was Octavia, Raven, and Lincoln versus Clarke, Lexa, and Bellamy. As the six of them started the game, Lexa raced off, ducking behind one of the bunkers to shield herself from the other players. She noticed Clarke go down within the first few seconds of the game, taken out by Octavia, so Lexa decided that she would stay behind this bunker for as long as she could, playing it safe.

Lexa soon found out that she was not playing it as safe as she had thought when she felt a paintball whiz right by her, coming from behind, and she quickly spun around to shoot off some paintballs of her own. Raven ducked for cover, but it was too late. Paint had already splattered across her arm.

Lexa grinned in triumph, but that triumph was short lived when she saw Octavia coming for her. She ran in the opposite direction, ducking behind a different bunker, while Octavia crouched behind the one that Lexa had previously been hiding behind. Lexa peered around the corner, just about to take some shots off at Octavia when she felt a paintball explode across the back of her calf, and she was relieved that it hadn't really hurt that much due to the protective clothing that she was wearing. She looked up to see Lincoln smiling apologetically at her, and she had to admit that she was surprised by how quiet he had been because she hadn't even heard him coming. Still, this did not stop her from narrowing her eyes at him, vowing to herself that she would get him out in the next round as she made her way off of the field.

Lexa walked over to sit beside Clarke and Raven, and the three of them watched while the other three finished the game. Octavia and Lincoln went after Bellamy, the sole survivor of Clarke and Lexa's team, and the brunette found that she could not tear her gaze away as Bellamy shot Lincoln, rooting for her teammate to win.

As Bellamy dodged one of Octavia's shots, Clarke turned her attention to Lexa. "Having fun?"

"Yeah." Lexa smiled at the girl beside her. "This is a lot funner than I thought it would be, and it's really interesting to watch, too."

"Paintball is the best," Raven chimed in. "It's good that you're having fun because we'll probably be here for a while."

"That's fine with me," Lexa responded. "I'm ready to play another game already. You know, after Bellamy wins this one."

"I don't know what you're talking about. Octavia is obviously going to win."

"We'll see about that."

Lexa turned her full attention back to the game going on in front of her, watching as Bellamy and Octavia shot at each other, both of them partially ducking behind the bunkers to shield themselves from each other's attacks.

Octavia shot off a couple paintballs at Bellamy, but he dodged them all, the last one not hitting anywhere near him. Lexa found that she could hear him from where she was sitting. "Seems like you're out of practice, O. I didn't know that you needed to be taught how to shoot as well."

"Oh, shut up, Bell," Octavia said. "You really think you can beat me?"

"If you're going to keep aiming like that, then yeah," Bellamy said, smirking at his sister.

"It wasn't even that bad," Octavia defended herself. "You're just jealous because I'm a better shot than you."

Bellamy scoffed. "You are not."

"Tell that to the 35 times my team has beaten yours so far. How many times have you won?" Octavia paused, pretending to think for a moment. "Oh, yeah, 17."

Bellamy's brows knitted in concentration as he chose not to respond to his sister, instead focusing all of his energy on trying to get her out. Lexa watched fixedly, hoping that he would succeed.

After an intense few moments, Octavia succeeded in shooting her brother in the shoulder, declaring her the winner, and she shrieked in victory. Raven shot Lexa a smug smirk. "See? I told you she would win. We should have bet on it."

Lexa just rolled her eyes at this girl that she was finally coming to think of as a friend. "You may have won this time, but don't forget who got you out."

Lexa smiled as Raven pouted, and they made their way back onto the field to start another game. This time, Lincoln and Bellamy switched sides, so Lexa could not go after Lincoln this time and make him pay for getting her out, to her slight disappointment. However, Lexa was glad that Raven was still on the other team because she thought that she might just make it her goal to get the other girl out again.

As Lexa went over various strategies in her head, she noticed that her girlfriend was looking at her curiously. "Are you sure you're okay to be playing this? It's not hurting you, is it?"

"I'm not made out of glass, Clarke," Lexa snapped before she could stop herself, annoyed that the blonde would ask such a question after promising not to treat her differently.

Clarke looked taken aback at Lexa's response. "That's not what I meant. I just meant because of your past and all." The brunette knew that Clarke was only trying to correct herself with her answer, but she was unknowingly making it worse.

Just because Lexa had been abused in the past didn't mean that she couldn't take the sting of a few paintballs, although, deep down, she had originally been concerned about the same thing. She was just glad that the paintballs did not hurt very much, or she supposed that the feeling could have triggered some sort of flashback, but that did not mean that Clarke had to worry about it. Lexa was perfectly capable of taking care of herself, and she had to resist the urge to roll her eyes at her girlfriend, choosing instead to smile warmly at her. "I'll be fine."

Clarke smiled at Lexa, squeezing her hand before making her way over to join the others, and Lexa trailed after her at a slower pace. She chided herself for masking her feelings again, but she knew that it was only going to get harder and harder not to doing so if her housemates kept on acting like this. The brunette knew that her girlfriend only meant well with her question, but Lexa couldn't help but hate it. Clarke had promised not to treat her any differently, but it seemed that that was easier said than done for the blonde. Lexa didn't want to be babied by anyone, and she wished that the others would just get that through their heads.

When she got back onto the field, she tried her best to let her residual discomfort from Clarke's question go. She decided to abandon her idea of going after Raven in favor of chasing down the previous victor. As Lexa tried her best to sneak up on Octavia without getting caught, she noticed Clarke shoot Bellamy before he could shoot her, and Lexa was honestly proud of her roommate for getting the older boy out.

Bellamy let out a wail of outrage, and while Octavia looked to see what was going on, Lexa took advantage of that moment to shoot her in the back. This left only Raven on the other team, but unfortunately, Lexa could not get a good shot off at Raven, while the other girl picked off the other members of Lexa's team with relative ease.

Soon enough, it was just Raven and Lexa, but try as she might, Lexa was simply not as good as the other girl. She found it much harder to shoot someone that was focused solely on her, and Raven became the victor when she shot Lexa right in the gut. Lexa was winded for a moment, but she recovered quickly, holding up a thumbs-up sign to let her friends know that she was okay.

Raven's teammates congratulated her, and Lexa just sighed because she had been on the losing team yet again. This time, Clarke switched sides with Octavia, and Lexa smirked at the thought of getting her girlfriend out. She knew that it would probably be rather easy to do so, and she made this her goal as they started the new game.

Lexa raced after Clarke, but the blonde caught onto what she was doing and laughed as she ran away from Lexa. The brunette did not give up though, chasing after her roommate until she had backed the blonde into a corner. She raised her gun to shoot the other girl, knowing that there was no way for Clarke to escape now. However, Lexa's grin faltered when Clarke brought her gun up at lightning speed, shooting seemingly haphazardly and hitting Lexa right in the ribs. It didn't really hurt that bad, but Lexa felt the pain that had bloomed in this very spot years ago. Suddenly, Lexa was not out playing paintball with her friends, but she was standing in the doorway of a house that she hadn't been in for years.

_Her stepfather yanked the trash bag that she had been holding out of her hands and peered inside, and she tried not to cower under the glare that he turned up to her. "What the hell is this? Did you knock over your mother's flower vase?"_

_Lexa swallowed thickly, averting her eyes and finding herself unable to answer. She didn't have the guts to tell him because she didn't think that she would be able to face his wrath when she did._

_He roughly grabbed her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes, which sparked with anger. "You will look at me when I talk to you. I asked you a question, bitch, and you'd do well to answer it."_

_"Yes, sir. I broke the vase, but it was an accident," Lexa said._

_He threw the bag outside behind him and pushed Lexa back inside the house, slamming the door. "You think that because it was an accident, that excuses you from any form of punishment?"_

_Lexa said nothing. She knew that he was right. Just because she didn't mean to knock it over didn't mean that she didn't deserve to be punished. She had made the mistake, and she supposed that the only way for her to learn to be more careful was to accept whatever punishment that her stepfather deemed fit._

_"You worthless piece of shit!" he shouted, slapping Lexa hard across the face._

_She tried her hardest not to cry out because she knew her stepfather hated it when she did that. He normally beat her twice as hard if she made a sound. He continued to hit her a few more times, in places where it wouldn't leave a visible mark, until he was satisfied. Lexa sighed in relief when her stepfather finally pulled away, looking into the kitchen and shoving her in that direction when he noticed the dishes that were still in the sink._

_"You haven't even done the dishes yet, you lazy piece of shit? Get in there and wash them," he said._

_Lexa began to walk off in the direction of the kitchen, but her mother chose that exact moment to emerge from her room. "Alexandria, where is my afternoon beer? I've been waiting."_

_Lexa just nodded, scurrying off to the kitchen. Or rather, she tried to scurry off to the kitchen, but her stepfather's iron strong grip on her arm stopped her. She was going so fast, and he pulled so hard that there was a loud crack, and a blinding white pain shot up Lexa's arm. She bit down hard on her lip to keep from crying out, and she felt the coppery taste of blood on her tongue._

_"Where do you think you're going? You need to apologize to your mother," her stepfather yelled._

_Lexa chided herself for not thinking to apologize to her mother beforehand. She knew that she was failing miserably in her duties as a daughter today, and she quickly informed her mother of how sorry she was and got that beer for her in record time. Her mother grunted in acknowledgement, and Lexa went into the kitchen to wash the dishes. Her arm was still throbbing in pain, and she wished more than anything that her parents would leave her to do the dishes in peace so that she could have the freedom to cry, but she had no such luck. Her stepfather followed her into the kitchen to make sure that she completed her final chore, and she vowed to herself that she would do this perfectly in order to make up for everything that she had done wrong earlier._

_When she grabbed one of the dishes out of the sink, she found that she could not move the arm that her stepfather had grabbed her by, and she could feel the sweat begin to bead on her forehead at the thought that he was right there watching her, and there was no way for her to do this correctly. She knew that she had to try though. She carefully placed the dish down in the sink and began to try and wash it with one hand, but he was by her side in an instant._

_"Use both hands, girl!" he shouted in her ear._

_"I can't," she muttered quietly._

_"What did you just say?" he asked in a dangerous tone._

_Lexa couldn't even bring herself to say it again, and so she just stayed quiet, bracing herself for what she knew was coming next. He punched her in the stomach, harder than any of the punches that he had given her so far today, and she doubled over in pain._

_"This is all your fault. You're a lazy, good-for-nothing bitch, and you deserve this," he whispered in her ear, drowning her in the pungent scent of alcohol._

_He hit her again and again, and she bit her lip harder and harder, keeping herself silent and knowing that he was right. She messed everything up today, and she deserved to be punished, but he had never beaten her this badly before. The pain was excruciating, and after a few seconds, she could feel her ribs cracking underneath his hands._

_She finally allowed herself to scream._

"Lexa!" Clarke yelled, and the brunette latched onto that voice, using it and the hands that were now shaking her arms to pull herself back to the present. The first thing she noticed was a pair of blue eyes trained on hers, and she instantly relaxed, drawing comfort from the girl in front of her. She was here, and she was with Clarke. Her stepdad was nowhere to be found. She immediately began to relax as the awful thoughts left her head. She realized that she was clutching tightly to the place where the paintball had hit her, and she quickly dropped her hand, like it had been touching slime instead of paint, hoping that no one else had noticed.

Lexa cringed when she pulled her eyes away from Clarke's to find that everyone had noticed and that they had completely abandoned their game in favor of watching her curiously. She couldn't help but feel a little annoyed, even though she knew that she had probably just been standing there for a good few moments, and she probably didn't even want to know what emotions had crossed her face in that time, judging by the reactions of the people around her.

Lexa was relieved that Clarke had been there to pull her back to reality and remind her that those days were long over, but what she needed now was for everyone to stop staring at her and go back to the game they were playing as if nothing had happened. Because nothing _had_ happened. This was just something that Lexa had to deal with now. That didn't make it okay, but she didn't want everyone to make a big deal out of it every time that she had a flashback, even if this time had been particularly bad, and she had probably been unresponsive for a few moments. She was used to this though, and she just wished that her friends would not act like they had just witnessed what she had seen.

"Lexa, are you okay?" Clarke asked worriedly. "You look pale. Do you need to sit down?"

Lexa's skin crawled at the suggestion. She did not need to sit down. The moment had passed, and it was over now. There was nothing wrong, and she wanted Clarke to stop acting like there was.

"I'm fine." She tried to brush Clarke off, but the blonde just tightened her grip, and Lexa had to focus on blue eyes again to keep herself from being launched into another flashback from the feel of the other girl's fingers digging into her arms. She stopped herself from telling Clarke that the tight grip was making her uncomfortable though. She didn't want to draw more attention to herself than she already had.

The concern was still shining in Clarke's eyes. "Lexa, you're not fine. You were having some kind of flashback or something, weren't you?" Clarke took her roommate's silence as confirmation. "Do you want to go back to the house?"

Lexa knew that her girlfriend was just worried about her, but she was only getting more and more frustrated with the blonde with every new word that came out of the girl's mouth. She knew that the only thing to do right now was to tell Clarke how uncomfortable she was making her so that the blonde would stop with her unnecessary apprehension. She opened her mouth, but the only thing that came out was a small groan when she saw their four friends coming towards her with matching looks of concern.

"What happened, Lexa? Are you okay?" Octavia asked.

"Do you need to go inside? We could all sit down in the café area for a little bit, if you want to," Bellamy suggested.

Lexa could not stop her annoyance from showing through as they talked, but she hadn't lost her patience yet. She was still perfectly willing to explain to them that she was alright, even though they were acting crazy, in her opinion. It was Raven's comment that finally pushed her over the edge. "Paintball probably wasn't the best idea. We'll do something else next time."

"Enough!" Lexa shouted, green eyes sparking with fury. "Yes, I had a flashback, but I am perfectly fine now. You don't have to treat me like a goddamn baby."

Clarke raised her hands up to gently cup Lexa's face. "Remember what I said, LW. You don't have to pretend around me."

Lexa couldn't take it anymore.

"Leave me the fuck alone!" Lexa pushed Clarke away from her so roughly that the blonde stumbled backwards into Octavia and would have fallen to the ground if her friend had not caught her. Clarke turned hurt blue eyes up to look at Lexa, and the fire in Lexa's eyes immediately went out as they widened in shock. She hadn't meant to push Clarke away that hard. She hadn't meant to push her away at all. She had just snapped. The blonde didn't look to have been hurt by her actions, but she had to be sure. "Did I hurt you?"

Lexa breathed out a sigh of relief when Clarke shook her head, but her feeling of dread didn't vanish. She may not have hurt her girlfriend, but she could have, and she wondered when she had become this person. She had thought that her past was finally in the past and that she might actually have hope for a good future, but maybe she was just set to take the same path as her stepfather. She wondered if maybe he hadn't meant to hurt Lexa at first either. She knew the thought was crazy as soon as it had crossed her mind. She could never be like her stepfather. Still, she was feeling suffocated by the injured look in Clarke's eyes, and she knew that she needed to get away from the blonde.

"I have to go," she stammered.

She turned around before anyone could argue and raced across the paintball field, returning her gun and gear at the desk in the adjoining building as quickly as she could and walking out into the parking lot, desperate to get back to the house. As she pushed out the doors, she remembered that she had ridden with Octavia to get here, and she would have to wait for the other brunette to drive her home. She sighed in frustration as she slumped down beside the car, realizing that she would have to talk to the others again a lot sooner than she had hoped. She cringed when she saw the door opening, but she relaxed a bit when she saw that it was only Lincoln. For some reason, he did not make her as uptight as the other four, and she realized then that he had been the only one who hadn't said anything to her about her flashback. She even smiled a bit when she heard the words that came out of his mouth next. "The others are going to stay and play a few more rounds, but I'll take you home."

Lexa nodded gratefully, and she did not speak as she followed Lincoln over to his car, silently climbing into the passenger seat. She was relieved when he did not say another word either as he pulled out of the parking lot. Lexa honestly just wanted to forget that today had ever happened as she looked out the window at the cars passing by on the street around them. She wondered how on earth it could be such a sunny and beautiful day when she was feeling like absolute shit.

After a few more minutes, Lincoln finally broke the silence, glancing at Lexa out of the corner of his eye. "Are you okay?"

She nodded, and she found that she wasn't put off by his question. When Lincoln asked, it was different. He wasn't asking like he knew that she wasn't okay and expected her to confirm his suspicions. He wasn't asking like he thought that she was a fragile thing that would break at any moment. He was just asking like he knew that she was fine, but just wanted to make sure.

Lexa didn't even think that he was talking about her having a flashback at all, but rather about the way that the others had reacted afterwards. However, she couldn't be sure, and she suddenly wanted him to know how much it had upset her. "This isn't even about what happened when Clarke shot me. I get flashbacks from time to time, and they're awful, but they're ultimately harmless, and I'm used to them. This is more about—"

"The way that the others freaked out over it." Lincoln finished for her. "I know. I could tell."

"Then why can't they?" Lexa sighed in frustration. "This is exactly why I never wanted to tell everyone about my past. I don't want them to feel like they have to be careful around me. When I had a flashback before, I'm sure it just looked like I zoned out, and when someone called me back to attention, it would pass. I was fine back then, so I don't understand why they would expect me to suddenly not be fine, just because they know about it. I don't want them to keep making such a big fuss out of nothing."

Lincoln gave her a pointed look. "It's not nothing, and you know it. I don't agree with what they're doing, but you have to try to see it from their perspective, too. They've never dealt with anything like this before, and they just worry about you, that's all. Especially Clarke."

"I know they worry, but I just wish they wouldn't because there's nothing that I can do to stop it. Besides, it's not like I have a disability or something. I can do anything that you guys can. We don't have to plan our dates around what could or could not trigger me. I'll be okay."

Lexa realized that she had said too much only after she had said it, and she wished that she could suck the words right back into her mouth when Lincoln gave her a knowing look. "So this is about Raven's comment then. When she suggested that we should have done something other than paintball."

He waited for her to respond, and she reluctantly nodded. "Amongst other things, yes."

"Lexa, I understand why you got angry back there. They were being completely overbearing, especially after something like that had just happened to you. But I understand where they were coming from, too. You have to remember that Clarke and Raven both saw you have a panic attack just last weekend, and there was no way for them to know that you weren't going to have one again."

"Bullshit," Lexa said irritably. "I only have panic attacks after nightmares. Clarke knows that."

"No. Costia knew that, but you never mentioned it to Clarke," Lincoln pointed out. "I could tell by the look on her face that she thought you were going to have a panic attack right there on the field, and she was afraid."

Realization washed over Lexa at that moment. She _hadn't_ told Clarke that her panic attacks were never caused by anything other than nightmares, and she started to feel a little guilty. No wonder the blonde had been so worried.

"Just talk to her, and I'm sure she'll understand. She'll probably find the information about the panic attacks nice to know" Lincoln said. "I know that you already told everyone not to treat you differently, Clarke included, but I don't even think that she realized that she was doing it because she was so scared for you. Just talk to her about it, and let her know every time that she does something that bothers you. That way, she can learn from her mistakes. If you never talk to her about this, she'll just keep doing it, and you'll only end up pushing her away. Something tells me you don't want to push Clarke away."

"No, I do not." Lexa cracked a smile. "I'll talk to her tonight."

"Don't forget, though, that she was not the only one in the wrong today. You need to apologize as well if you want your relationship to work."

"I know," Lexa said, and she did.

She may have hated the way that her friends had acted, but she hadn't been much better to them. She couldn't get the haunting look of hurt blue eyes out of her mind, no matter how hard she tried, and she only hoped that Clarke would not be too upset with her.

* * *

Lexa had been lying on her bed, reading a book, for two hours when Clarke finally returned. After taking some time to cool down, Lexa had realized that she may have reacted too harshly to Clarke earlier, and Lincoln was right when he had said that she owed Clarke an apology, too. Lexa really did hate fighting with Clarke, and she hoped that it was not too late to make things right.

When Clarke entered, Lexa looked up at her roommate, and she meant to start speaking right away, but the words got caught in her throat. She was afraid that what she said might not be good enough and that Clarke might want nothing more to do with her after what had happened earlier. The blonde hung awkwardly in the doorway, and Lexa was afraid for a moment that her roommate was about to walk right back out the door. She knew that she should say something, anything, to get Clarke to stay, but she couldn't get her voice to work, so she was extremely relieved when the other girl finally broke the silence. "You're reading."

Lexa's brows knitted together in confusion. She had expected Clarke to say a lot of things in that moment, but that had not been one of them.

"Yes. I'm reading," she said, hoping that the blonde would elaborate on what exactly this meant to her.

"If you're reading, then that means that you can't be too upset. When you're upset, you either run off to the attic or just stare angrily up at the ceiling," Clarke explained, and Lexa nodded at this accurate account of herself. She supposed that she shouldn't have been too surprised that Clarke's description of her had been so on point. They had been living together for two months now.

"I'm not upset anymore," Lexa said, and she was rewarded with a relieved smile settling over Clarke's face.

Lexa watched curiously as that smile morphed into a frown. "I'm sorry about what happened when I shot you. I should've been more careful where I was aiming."

Lexa swallowed down the frustration that rose inside of her at this statement, knowing that she just needed to tell Clarke that this behavior was bothering her, like Lincoln said. "That's the thing, Clarke. I don't want you to watch where you're aiming or feel like you have to be careful around me. That falls under treating me differently, and that's exactly what I don't want anyone to do. I am sorry about the way I reacted to you guys on the field though. I should have just told you what was bothering me, but I just felt so overwhelmed, and I needed to get out of there."

Clarke nodded easily, and Lexa thought that she must have already come to an understanding about the way that she had acted. "I know that now, and I'm sorry that I reacted like that. I was just so worried about you that I forgot about what you must be feeling. I remember when people pitied me after I had lost my dad. I hated it, and that was the main reason that I pushed my old friends away and got caught up with the wrong crowd. My friends were always worried about me, and they were constantly asking if I was okay, and I just couldn't take it anymore. My new friends never asked me about anything because they never really cared, and that was what I liked about them. We all had gone through something rough, and that gave us a sort of solidarity with each other, even if we were just destroying ourselves. We didn't care about anything other than pushing the rest of the world away, and I don't want to drive you to that place again."

"I don't think I can go back there now that I've met you," Lexa said truthfully. "Besides, you may have understood how I felt after losing Costia, but you don't know anything about what I went through as a child, and I guess I need to remember that before losing my patience with you. I have flashbacks every now and then, but I can't help them, and I've gotten so used to them by now that they're not that big of a deal. I get that it's sort of scary for you to see me go through stuff like that. It's scary for me, too, and it's okay to be comforting. Just don't be overbearing. Don't be careful where you shoot, and don't plan things around what may or may not trigger me. If it happens, it happens."

"Are you sure, Lexa? I was so afraid that you were going to—"

"Have a panic attack?" Lexa finished. "Yeah, Lincoln brought that to my attention. I guess I should assure you then that I only ever have panic attacks after my nightmares. I have never had one that was caused by a flashback before."

Clarke looked relieved at this fact, and she shot her roommate a grateful look. "Thank you for telling me about that. So as long as you take your medication every night, no more panic attacks?" She looked to Lexa for confirmation, and the brunette gave a slight nod. "That's great to hear because I love you, and I don't want anything to happen to you. Ever."

"I love you, too, Clarke," Lexa answered simply, not breaking the blonde's blue gaze. "More than I've ever loved anyone."

_Even Costia_. She couldn't bring herself to say it. For some reason, the words would not leave her mouth, but Clarke understood it anyway, a happy grin spreading across her face. The blonde leaned in to kiss her roommate, but Lexa only obliged for a moment before pulling away and continuing on with what she now found herself ready to say. "A while ago, before we started dating, before we were even really friends, you told me that my soulmate was still out there somewhere waiting for me to get better. I didn't believe you back then because I thought Costia was my soulmate, but I don't think that anymore. You're my soulmate, Clarke."

The blonde looked taken aback at this new revelation. "Me?"

Lexa was surprised herself, wondering what on earth had possessed her to say that. She certainly hadn't meant to tell Clarke tonight, but when the blonde had said she loved her with so much passion in her blue eyes, Lexa had thought that Clarke felt the same way. Now, she couldn't get a good read on Clarke's emotions, and she worried that she had gone and made her roommate uncomfortable by taking things too far.

"I mean, maybe you are." Lexa quickly tried to amend the situation. "What I mean to say is that you might be, or you have the potential to be."

Thankfully, Clarke stopped Lexa before she could go any further. "You're my soulmate, too, LW."

Lexa brought her eyes back up to meet Clarke's, and the love that she saw shining in those blue eyes only served as a confirmation of the words that had just left the blonde's mouth. The brunette was instantly overcome with an intense affection for the girl in front of her, and she wanted nothing more than to show this girl how much she meant to her. Gone was the anger from earlier and the discomfort that she had felt at Clarke's overwhelming worry. Clarke was only worried because she cared about Lexa. So much more than Lexa thought that she deserved to be cared for, and she realized how lucky she was to have the blonde as her girlfriend.

Lexa crashed their lips together in a kiss that was instantly heated and passion-filled. She poured every inch of her love into that kiss, hoping that Clarke would be able to feel all of it. She felt Clarke's hands come up to tangle in her hair, and she reveled in the feeling, resting her hands on Clarke's waist to pull her even closer. When she pushed Clarke down onto the bed behind her, she was surprised that the blonde allowed her to remain on top this time, instead of flipping them over immediately, like she normally did. Lexa grinned happily as she moved down to suck on Clarke's neck, harder than she ever had before. She knew that it was sure to leave a mark, something that she had somehow managed to never do, and she hoped that the blond girl would not mind.

When she moved to lift Clarke's shirt over her head, she wasted no time in doing away with Clarke's bra as well, bringing her hands up to caress both breasts as she continued her work on the other girl's neck. Lexa knew that their relationship was difficult sometimes, and that was normally her own fault, but she also knew that they would always get through it. She had no intention of ever giving up on her roommate, no matter how many times the other girl messed up, and she hoped that Clarke would do the same for her. As Lexa moved down to take one of Clarke's nipples into her mouth, she smiled at the fact that the girl that was writhing beneath her was her soulmate, and nothing had ever felt more right than that.

Before long, Lexa felt Clarke pull her away by her hair, and while it hurt, the brunette was glad that Clarke wasn't being careful with her anymore and was doing exactly what Lexa wanted her to do. She would learn in time what affected Lexa and what didn't, but the brunette wanted her girlfriend to figure this out by making the mistakes for herself.

When Lexa brought her eyes back up to meet Clarke's dark blue ones, she realized exactly why her girlfriend had pulled her away, and she pulled off Clarke's pants and underwear to find her ready and waiting. Lexa decided that there would be no teasing tonight because she wanted this to be special and feel important after the information that they had just shared with one another, so she dove right in. She instantly grabbed Clarke's clit in her mouth and began pumping two fingers in and out, but she didn't go too fast. Instead, she kept her movements slow so as to make this last for the blonde above her. Clarke's grip tightened in Lexa's hair, and the brunette added one more finger, slowly working the blonde up further and further.

"Fuck. Lexa!" Clarke screamed when she reached her high, and Lexa did not stop her actions until her girlfriend had finally stilled. When Lexa pulled her fingers out of Clarke, she licked them clean, just like she always did, and she did not think that she would ever get enough of this taste that was so incredibly Clarke.

Once Clarke had finally caught her breath, she immediately rolled onto Lexa, making quick work of discarding all of Lexa's clothes, which sent a wave of heat straight to Lexa's core. Clarke instantly moved to the brunette's breasts, and Lexa was extremely aroused at how rough the blonde was being, nipping and sucking hard enough to leave marks. Clarke seemed to have no qualms about Lexa being too fragile now, and the brunette loved every second of it. That was, until Clarke pulled away, and Lexa could not stop her whine of indignation. She watched curiously as the blonde rolled onto her back, and Lexa allowed herself to be pulled on top of her girlfriend.

"You need me to do you again?" Lexa asked in amusement.

Clarke just shook her head. "On your knees. Grab the headboard."

Lexa's eyes darkened at Clarke's commanding tone, and she quickly obeyed, immediately catching on to what Clarke wanted her to do. When she had positioned herself over her girlfriend, she felt the blonde's tongue slide between her folds, beginning to thrust in and out of her with a steady rhythm. Lexa gripped tighter to the headboard, arching her back as pleasure ripped throughout her body. The brunette may have been unloved, and even hated, for most her life, but it was all worth it for just the chance to be with Clarke. The blonde's love for her was so powerful in that moment, as was Lexa's own love for the blonde, and she knew that she would have done anything to experience this feeling that she had lost all faith in before.

When Lexa screamed Clarke's name that night, she knew that she never wanted another name to leave her tongue like this for the rest of her life. Sleep came easy as her body intertwined with Clarke's in bed, after she had taken her medication. But just before she fully succumbed to her dreams, she felt the overwhelming feeling that she just might be starting to belong.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will apologize in advance for the fact that this chapter is mostly just a filler to set up for the next two chapters, but I feel like the set-up is necessary because the story doesn't flow as well without it. I hope that you all enjoy it anyway! Thanks for continuing to read!

When Clarke had finally finished her homework the next day, she went across the hall to Octavia and Raven's room, hoping to spend some time with her friends since Lexa was still working on her own homework. However, she found the room empty, and so she wandered downstairs, finding the two girls that she was searching for on the couch in the living room, playing some game on the house's Xbox with Emori and Anya.

"Hey, Clarke, we're playing Halo. Want to join?" Raven asked.

"No, thanks," Clarke responded. "I'll just watch."

While the house provided the Xbox for the residents to play on, the students had to provide their own games. Emori had an extensive collection of Xbox games; she had shown Clarke one time. However, it seemed that she and Anya were really into Halo this semester because that was the only game that Clarke had seen them play, and she wondered if it had been their most recent purchase. Clarke herself had yet to play it, and she didn't think that she ever would. She was not a big fan of video games. They all looked the same to her, and she always found that she would much rather watch others play than actually attempt to play herself.

Her housemates kept up small talk with her, but she could tell that their focus was mainly on the game, and Clarke was starting to get a little bored when Lexa came downstairs and plopped down beside her in the chair that she was sitting on. The blonde was a little surprised, but she couldn't say that she minded the close contact that the chair forced them into, and she easily looped an arm around Lexa, kissing her cheek lovingly. The others talked to Lexa for a moment, and then they left the brunette and her girlfriend alone, where the two of them promptly began sneaking kisses in while the others weren't watching.

After a few hours of being downstairs, Clarke was surprised that her housemates were still as into the game as they had been when she had first joined them. It seemed that Mr. Kane's rule about no Xbox during the school week only made the students long for the weekends when they could play it.

Clarke smiled when she felt Lexa's arms wrap around her neck and the brunette's head come to rest against her shoulder, and her grin only grew when she realized that Lexa had fallen asleep. Clarke brought her hand up to play with a lock of brown hair, completely losing herself as she was entranced by the girl in her arms.

"Clarke, did you hear anything that I just said?" Octavia asked, snapping the blonde back to attention, and Clarke could not tell how much time had passed between the moment when Lexa had first fallen asleep and now.

The tips of her ears turned pink. "No."

"Are you kidding? She couldn't possibly pay attention to you when she has her sleeping angel in her arms," Raven teased.

"Shut up, Rae. I was just surprised that she had fallen asleep, that's all. I guess she's a little tired because we were studying this morning."

"Studying each other?" Emori asked, without looking away from the screen.

Clarke scowled. "Studying for a test."

Anya looked at Clarke with a slightly concerned gaze. "Is she feeling better? I heard that she had a hard time yesterday."

"She totally did," Raven jumped in. "She freaked out because she had a flashback or something, and then she started yelling at us when we were only trying to help."

Clarke sighed at her friend's bluntness, wondering how it was that Raven seemed to be so oblivious all of the time. Before Anya could respond, Clarke quickly jumped to her roommate's defense. "Only because we acted like idiots. We swarmed her for what seemed like no reason to her because she didn't need our help. We kept asking her if she was okay or if she needed to sit down, and it was only making her more and more frustrated. If you guys remember correctly, she asked us not to treat her any differently when we first found out about her past, and we didn't listen."

"But she had a flashback, Clarke," Raven argued. "What if she had gone into a panic attack right there?"

Clarke was glad that Raven was showing concern for Lexa, but she knew that she needed to help her friends understand what Lexa wanted, just like her roommate had done for her. "I was afraid of the same thing, Raven, but she told me yesterday night that she only ever has panic attacks after her nightmares. She also told me not to worry about her flashbacks because she is used to them, so we don't have to plan our events around what could or could not trigger them. I know it's hard to understand because we haven't been in her shoes, but we need to respect her wishes, nonetheless."

"Clarke's right," Anya said. "Don't worry about Lexa. If she's having a hard time handling something or needs a time out, she will tell you. There's nothing she hates more than you guys treating her like she's some fragile thing that might die or something without your help."

Clarke nodded at Anya, realizing again how knowledgeable the older girl was about Lexa. Clarke supposed that this was because Anya had known about Lexa's past longer than anyone in the house, and she wondered if Anya had gone through this same thing with Lexa long ago. However, something told her that Anya never really needed to be told; the older blonde had just understood somehow, perhaps because of her relaxed demeanor. Clarke didn't think that she had ever seen Anya freak out once, and she was kind of relieved by this fact because it meant that if there was ever a crisis situation with Lexa, kind of like the nightmare had been, then Anya would most likely know exactly what to do about it, or at least, be level-headed enough to figure it out.

When Clarke looked back down at her sleeping roommate, she realized how peaceful Lexa looked in that moment, and she reveled in it, brushing a hand lovingly across Lexa's cheek. "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

Clarke didn't know that she had accidentally said this out loud until she saw Raven gag. "Keep your gross lovey-dovey feelings to yourself."

Clarke blushed a little bit, but then she playfully glared at her friend, discarding the embarrassment as easily as she would a used napkin. She meant what she had said. Lexa was the most beautiful person that Clarke had ever seen, and she didn't care who knew it.

When Clarke took in the scene around her, she wished that she could capture this moment forever, or rather the way that it made her feel. It had been a long time since she had felt this carefree, and after her father's death, she thought that she would never feel this way again. She would always miss her father, but these new friends that she had gotten from attending this school were worth the world to her. She was closer to them than she had ever been with any of her old friends from back home, and Clarke had never thought that she might get such joy from simply sitting in a room with these people that she had come to care so much about. And of course, there was the girl who was currently sleeping in her arms. This girl had shown Clarke what it was like to truly live again and had given her feelings of love that she had never experienced before. Clarke reveled in the feeling of Lexa's warmth against her, and she wished that she could hold the other girl like this for the rest of her life, thinking that this moment couldn't be more perfect.

When the round of the game had finally ended, Emori jumped up from the couch with a loud shriek, waving her controller in the air and doing what Clarke could only describe as an impression of someone who was having some kind of a spastic attack. Clarke knew that it was supposed to be a happy dance, and the blonde could tell without even looking at the scores that Emori had won the game. The other girl began shouting that she won, and Clarke hissed at her to be quiet, but it was too late. Lexa was already stirring awake in her arms.

Green eyes fluttered open and looked around in a slightly disoriented manner. "What's going on?"

"I won the game," Emori said sheepishly. "Sorry for waking you up, Lexa. I forgot you were sleeping."

Lexa didn't even seem to be bothered by the fact that she had been rudely awakened. She simply nodded at her friend in acceptance of the apology and then collapsed against Clarke again, her eyes falling closed. Clarke had to resist the urge to laugh.

"Lexa, you're like a zombie this afternoon. What's got you so tired?" Anya asked.

"Clarke and I had lots of amazing sex last night, and then she decided to wake me up early so that we could study for the pre-calculus test that we have tomorrow," Lexa mumbled groggily, not even bothering to open her eyes.

"Lots of sex, huh?" Raven asked with a very amused twinkle in her eyes. "Do tell us more."

"Clarke was being really rough, and—"

"Lexa, stop it." The blonde quickly cut her girlfriend off before she could give any more details about how rough Clarke had been last night. She was already ready to die of embarrassment at the smirks that were now adorning the faces of the other girls in the room, and she thanked whoever might be listening when Indra walked in before they could say anything.

"Dinner should be ready soon," she announced. "Does anyone have any requests for dessert?"

"Banana pudding," Raven suggested.

"Pudding sounds great," Octavia said.

"I second that. What are we having for dinner?" Emori asked.

"I'm making pot roast," Indra announced. "I'll get started on the pudding while you eat."

Lexa finally raised her head from Clarke's chest at the mention of what they would be having for dinner. "Pot roast? That's my favorite."

Indra looked slightly surprised at this information. "I thought that lasagna was your favorite."

Lexa seemed to think it over for a second. "I can't have two favorites?"

"By the very definition of the word, you can only have one," Clarke teased, tapping Lexa on the nose.

"Whatever." Lexa rolled her eyes, but Clarke still caught the tiny grin that broke through.

"It's in the oven now," Indra informed them. "I'm thinking around ten more minutes."

"Great!" Raven smiled, clearly hungry.

"I'm going to go check on the vegetables," Indra excused herself from the room.

Almost immediately after she left, Kane was taking her place. "I'm really glad you're all here, girls. I just wanted to remind you that Family Visiting Day is this Saturday, for anyone who may have forgotten. I have already mailed out invitations to all of your families, but as I haven't heard back from anyone yet, it would be very helpful if you could call them on the phone to see if they are able to make it. I need everyone to RSVP by Wednesday."

"I was one of those people who forgot about Family Visiting Day," Raven admitted. "I'll talk to my mom tonight, but she is normally able to make it."

"Wow, Rae," Emori chided, not looking surprised in the slightest that the other girl had forgotten. "Anya and I have already talked to our parents about it, and they're both able to come."

"Family Visiting Day?" Clarke asked, having never even heard of it in the first place. "I didn't even know that was a thing."

"It's just a little event that occurs every year after the Fall Carnival so that the parents are able to spend some time with their kids. Don't worry about it, though. Your mom has already been informed," Mr. Kane assured her.

Clarke looked blankly at him, still hung up on the word _carnival_. "There's a carnival?"

Mr. Kane nodded in answer. "This Friday."

Lexa looked at Clarke guiltily. "I guess I forgot to mention those things. I suppose it's kind of my job as your roommate, but I kind of forget sometimes that you haven't been going to school here just as long as the rest of us. But, hey, at least you'll actually get to go to a real carnival for what, I am shocked to even think, will be your first time ever."

"It's fine, Lexa. I'll be looking forward to it."

"As for Family Visiting Day," Mr. Kane said, "please inform your families to either contact me directly or have you RSVP for them by Wednesday. I truly do hope that everyone is able to make it."

Mr. Kane smiled warmly at his residents before heading back out into the hallway, presumably on his way to talk to the boys. Clarke smiled widely as the conversation in the room turned to Family Visiting Day, and she knew that she had been wrong earlier when she had thought that this day could not be any more perfect. Clarke was so excited to hear that she would be seeing her mother this weekend, and she wanted nothing more than to run upstairs and call Abby right now so that she could confirm that her mother would be able to attend. However, the blonde refrained from doing this because she knew that dinner would be ready soon, and so she decided to wait until afterwards.

When she turned her attention back to Lexa, she found her girlfriend worrying her lip, and she wondered if the other girl was upset by the fact that she did not have parents who would come and visit her. Clarke wanted to ask if Luna and her parents ever came to visit, but she refrained from asking such a personal question in front of everyone, adding it to her growing list of things to do after dinner.

* * *

"Hey, Mom," Clarke said into her cell phone, now that she finally had time to herself. Well, Lexa was in the room, but she was doing something on her computer, and she was honestly being so quiet that Clarke would not even know that she was there, if she could not see her.

"Hello, Clarke. It's wonderful to hear from you," Abby said, and Clarke could practically hear her smile through the phone. "How have you been doing?"

The blonde felt a little guilty when she thought of how long it had been since she had last spoken to her mother. She had been so busy with school and with Lexa that she had forgotten to make time. She couldn't deny that she had missed the sound of her mother's voice though, and Clarke found herself smiling, too, when she responded.

"Great. School is going quite well. I'm keeping my grades above C's."

"It's good to hear that," Abby said with a chuckle.

"I just heard from the head of my house that my school is having a Family Visiting Day this weekend. Did you get the invitation?" Clarke asked.

"I just got it the other day, and of course, I will be coming. I could never miss a chance to spend time with you."

Clarke sighed in relief when her mother confirmed that she would be able to come. Clarke knew that Abby wouldn't miss such a day for the world, if she could help it, but that didn't stop Clarke from worrying that her mom might have some prior engagement that day that she absolutely could not get out of. She was overjoyed that that was not the case and that she would, in fact, get to see her mother this weekend.

"It's been a while since we last talked," Abby stated. "Why don't you tell me about your house? Are you still liking it there?"

"I love it," Clarke said happily. "Everyone is friendly, and I've honestly become pretty close with all of them. I mean, it's hard not to when we all eat our meals together. Plus, our head of house is really nice, and our house mother is the best cook in the world."

"Even better than me?" Abby said with mock hurt.

"Sorry, Mom," Clarke said, "but it's true. I'm honestly so glad that I got put in Arkadia."

"I am, too, honey. It's nice to hear you sounding so happy again," Abby said. "How are things with your roommate? I assume that the two of you are still getting along well?"

_Better than you think,_ Clarke thought. She was going to tell Abby about her relationship with Lexa eventually, of course, because she hated keeping things from her mother. She just felt like that conversation was too important to have over the phone. She would much rather tell her mother about it when she saw her on Saturday.

"We get along perfectly. She's probably my favorite person here." Clarke hoped that she was not being too obvious or that her love for said roommate could not be heard in the tone of her voice. She could tell though, by the way that Lexa visibly cringed, that she had sounded just as lovesick as she had feared. She could also tell that Lexa was listening to the conversation, which she had promised not to do, but Clarke let it slide, knowing that it would be hard not to listen when that was the only sound in the room.

"I'm really looking forward to meeting everyone, then," Abby said.

Clarke only realized that her shoulders had tensed once they were slumping in relief. Abby hadn't heard anything out of the ordinary in Clarke's tone. Or if she had, she had chosen not to say anything about it, for which Clarke was extremely grateful.

Clarke continued to talk to her mother for about another hour, the two of them catching up on what they had been missing in each other's lives. Clarke would have gladly talked to her mother all night, but at that moment, _someone_ decided to close her laptop and saunter over to Clarke with a mischievous smirk, which immediately told the blonde that she was up to no good.

Lexa began to place light kisses against Clarke's neck. Light kisses which turned more and more heated by the second. Clarke had to bite her lip hard so that her mother would not hear the moans that were trying to escape from her mouth. She instantly told Abby that she had to go study for the test that she had tomorrow, even though she had already done that, in the hopes that she would get her mother off the phone before Lexa decided to finger her. She knew that she would not be able to keep her moans in if that happened. She was barely holding them back as it was.

When Abby finally hung up the phone, Clarke pushed Lexa roughly away, having no qualms about being careful with the brunette now.

"I can't believe you did that," Clarke growled, but her slight anger started to fade when Lexa laughed from where she had fallen back onto the bed.

"I got bored without you," Lexa said with a coy pout, and Clarke rolled her eyes.

Clarke could already feel herself caving at the look on Lexa's face. She knew that she should reprimand her girlfriend more for interrupting her while she was on the phone, but the way that the brunette's plump bottom lip stuck out in a pout left Clarke wanting nothing more than to bite it, so bite it she did. Clarke was already in a high mood from having talked to her mother, and now she reveled in the taste of Lexa's sweet lips against hers.

After a few minutes of allowing herself to kiss Lexa senselessly, she finally started to wonder if Lexa's sudden desire to jump her bones stemmed from the fact that the brunette wanted to drown the sorrow that she felt about not having her own parents love her enough to come visit her on Family Visiting Day. Now that Clarke thought about it, there was something strange about Lexa's current behavior because she knew that Lexa never initiated sex for no reason. That was normally Clarke. The only time Lexa would initiate sex was if Clarke was doing something that she found alluring, and Clarke knew that she had not done anything even remotely sexy while she had been on the phone with her mom. Something was bothering Lexa, and Clarke knew that the only thing that would help the brunette right now would be to talk about it. The blonde pulled away, and she was surprised when Lexa's lips chased hers in an almost desperate manner. Clarke placed her hands firmly on Lexa's shoulders, pushing her girlfriend away so that she could look her in the eyes.

"What's wrong?" Lexa finally asked, and Clarke thought that she could detect a hint of reluctance in her roommate's tone, as if discussing this topic that was sure to follow was the last thing that she wanted to do.

"Nothing's wrong with me," Clarke said, "but I know that something's bothering you. Is it because your parents aren't coming to Family Visiting Day?"

Lexa looked at Clarke as if the blonde had just asked if Lexa was upset because she had won a contest. "It is a good thing that my parents do not come to Family Visiting Day, Clarke," Lexa said slowly. "I do not wish to see them ever again."

Clarke knew that her girlfriend was not lying, but she could still see the hurt that was displayed in green eyes, and she knew that, on some level, Lexa wanted her to see it. The brunette was an expert at hiding her emotions, from what Clarke had seen, and she knew that Lexa could easily brush off her concerns, if this were a topic that she truly did not wish to discuss. Clarke knew that Lexa wasn't exactly upset that her parents weren't coming, but rather that she did not have nice, loving parents that would even want to come see her in the first place. The talk of the dinner table had been Family Visiting Day, and Clarke now felt a little bad that she had been swept up into the excitement that she shared with the other residents when every word out of their mouths had clearly been upsetting Lexa.

"Do Luna and her parents ever come to see you?" Clarke asked.

The only answer that she received from Lexa was a shake of the head. It seemed that Lexa wasn't even trying to hide her feelings anymore as she looked at Clarke with forlorn green eyes. The blonde liked the fact that Lexa had clearly understood Clarke's advice about not pretending around her, but she couldn't help the fact that her heart was breaking for Lexa. Again. She suddenly felt a surge of anger for these people who she had always thought of in a neutral light up until now.

"Why the hell not?" Clarke asked, blue eyes smoldering. "I mean, you lived with them for seven years. They practically raised you."

Lexa just shrugged, averting her eyes. "I asked them not to."

Clarke's anger at these people faded as quickly as it had come, replaced with a sort of sorrowful curiosity. Her immediate response was to say that she was sorry, but she knew that Lexa would hate that. She didn't want to seem like she was pitying the brunette, so she refrained from apologizing or reaching out to cup her roommate's cheeks or any of the other things that wanted to do in that moment. Instead, she focused on Lexa with a curious gaze and asked the one question that she was dying to know the answer to. "Why?"

Lexa sighed. "I didn't want to burden them any further than I already have. I lived with them for seven years. I spend winter break and summer with them. I mean, they are even paying for me to go to school here. I didn't want to make them waste their weekend and drive all the way up here just to spend time with me. Besides, I hate the way they look at me. It's like I'm only some charity project to them, like they only do all of this stuff because they feel bad for me."

Clarke wanted to argue with Lexa further. She wanted to tell the brunette that she was sure Luna and her family would be happy to come up and spend a day with Lexa because they truly did care about her. If they didn't, they wouldn't keep doing all of these nice things for her; they would have sent her to an orphanage long ago. Clarke wished that there was some way that she could get Lexa to understand this, but her roommate was looking so empty at the moment that she knew that her argument would most likely fall upon deaf ears. If Lexa had been holding onto this warped perspective since childhood, Clarke knew that it would be hard to get her to listen to reason, and she could tell that Luna's family visiting would probably do more harm than good right now.

Since Lexa had talked about what was bothering her, to an extent, Clarke decided that it was probably time for a distraction, although she didn't think that her girlfriend looked to be in the mood for sex anymore. Luckily, though, Clarke had another idea.

"How about we just cuddle and watch a movie tonight?" Clarke suggested.

"What movie?" Lexa asked warily, but Clarke could already see that this was working to lighten the brunette's mood.

"You pick," Clarke said.

Lexa instantly perked up, looking at Clarke with hopeful green eyes. " _Insidious?_ "

Clarke resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She should have known that her roommate would pick a horror movie. She herself did not particularly care for that genre, but she knew that her roommate needed this, and she found herself nodding. Besides, she didn't think that she would ever truly be able to deny Lexa anything.

"Fine," Clarke said. "That movie scares the living shit out of me, but I'll watch it with you."

"Don't worry, Clarke. I'll protect you from the demons," Lexa teased.

Clarke finally allowed herself to roll her eyes. "Just put the movie in before I change my mind."


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, Clexakru! This is another pretty fluffy chapter for all of you, so I hope you'll love it, and I hope all of you have a wonderful Halloween tomorrow! I'm pretty excited because I'm dressing as our beloved commander, and I can't wait! :)

That Friday, Lexa found herself walking into the Fall Carnival with her housemates, who were all talking excitedly about the night to come. Clarke seemed as excited as everyone else did, but Lexa wasn't sure that she could share in that excitement. She still remembered the first time that she had been to this carnival, and she hadn't been back since. Even though she had planned on coming earlier in the week, now that it was here, Lexa had tried to get out of it tonight by claiming that she had a lot of homework. Needless to say, it hadn't taken Clarke long to convince her to come anyway. Lexa could only hope that tonight would prove to be extremely fun now that she had Clarke.

The blonde in question was currently pulling Lexa towards one of the booths where Octavia was currently playing a game. Once she got close enough to see, Lexa noticed that Octavia was playing the ring toss, and she also noticed that the other brunette was not very good at it. None of the three rings that Octavia was given landed on the pegs that she was supposed to be hooking them on.

"Move out of the way, and I'll show you how it's done," Raven said smugly.

"Yeah, right," Octavia scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I'm going to get all three so that I can get one of those huge prizes." Raven pointed up at the giant stuffed animals that were hanging from the ceiling of the tent.

"You can try," Octavia said, clearly not believing her.

Raven almost made good on her promise, but she missed the last ring, so she had to settle for one of the smaller prizes. Bellamy stepped up next, making it his goal to get all three rings around the pegs as well, and soon, that was the goal of everyone in Arkadia. Lexa watched them all have a go at it, but nobody actually succeeded in this new goal. Once everyone had gone except for Clarke and Lexa, Octavia, Raven, and Emori began to chant the names of the two girls in order to spur them into taking the next turn.

Clarke groaned in annoyance. "I'm not trying that. I'll be terrible and embarrass myself in front of all of you."

"Come on, Clarke. Everyone else did it, and some people were really bad," Raven said.

"I'll go," Lexa said, knowing that she would have no problem with this game. She and Luna had gone to carnivals quite a bit when she was a kid, and the ring toss had always been Lexa's best game. She wondered if Anya and Emori remembered this. The amused look that Anya was giving her and the eye roll that Emori offered up told Lexa that they did. When the man handed her the rings, she threw each one expertly onto a peg, to the amazement of everyone who was watching her.

Even the man who was running the booth seemed impressed. "Nice work! Which prize would you like?"

Lexa had forgotten that the prizes had even existed in her eagerness to show off her skills to everyone. She knew that she really did not care for the prize, so she turned to her roommate. "What would you like, Clarke?"

Clarke raised her eyebrows in surprise. "You're giving it to me?"

"Of course I am. You're my girlfriend."

Clarke smiled warmly at the brunette, squeezing her hand in thanks before turning her attention to the man in the booth. "I'll have the lion, please."

The man began to pull the lion down for her, and then the blonde's eyes sparked, and she started speaking again. "Actually, could you hold it for me until I'm ready to leave the carnival so that I won't have to carry it around? I can pick it up on the way out."

"That would be perfectly fine," he said. "If any of the rest of you who won prizes would like to leave them here as well, there's plenty of space back here where I can store them."

Raven, Emori, and Monty all handed over the smaller animals that they had claimed before the friends decided to move on to something else. Jasper and Monty excused themselves to go meet up with Maya and Harper, and the other eight walked around, looking at the choices of booths.

"Thank you," Clarke said, squeezing Lexa's warm hand in hers.

"Anytime," Lexa answered easily, with a smile on her face.

They played many more carnival games, none of which Lexa was as successful with as she had been with the first one, and Raven was actually able to convince Clarke to play some of the games as well. The blonde had seemed nervous at first, but now that she had started to try some of the games, Lexa could tell that her girlfriend was having fun.

Once the eight members of Arkadia House had finished with all of the carnival games that they had wanted to play, they decided to head over to the Ferris Wheel. Lexa didn't protest, but she wanted to, and when she found herself standing in line, looking up at said Ferris Wheel, she couldn't help but remember the first time that she had seen it. It looked exactly the same as it had two years ago, and she was suddenly flooded with memories from which she could not escape.

She wondered if maybe it had been a mistake to come here today, after all.

Lexa was jolted out of her thoughts when she felt Clarke squeeze her hand, and she realized that her roommate was looking at her in concern.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

Lexa wanted to nod and pretend she was fine, not wanting to ruin the fun that Clarke was clearly having by bringing up her stupid feelings. She knew though that even if she put on the best performance in the world right now to assure her roommate that nothing was bothering her, Clarke would see right through it.

The blonde had already read the answer in her eyes.

"No," Lexa admitted. "I guess not. But I will be."

"What's wrong?" Clarke asked. Lexa had known that the blonde would ask this right away, but that didn't stop Lexa from wishing that she hadn't.

The brunette looked warily at her housemates, not wanting any of them to know that anything was amiss. Thankfully, they weren't even glancing her way, already immersed in conversation with their chosen riding partners. Lexa sighed, knowing that it would probably be better for her if she let Clarke in, even if she didn't necessarily want to talk about this.

"I'm sorry, Clarke. It's just that I came here with Costia during my freshman year, which you probably know, and well, the Ferris Wheel is where we had our very first kiss."

Lexa watched as understanding dawned in blue eyes. "Oh. Do you want to get out of here? We can go back to the house."

Lexa couldn't help the way that her heart swelled with gratitude at the way that Clarke was so quick to offer, so quick to care about Lexa's wellbeing. However, Lexa didn't miss the slight hint of disappointment that colored Clarke's tone, and the brunette did not want to make her girlfriend miss the rest of this night when she was clearly having so much fun.

"I'll be fine, Clarke. This is slightly frustrating for me though. I mean, I thought I would be over this by now. I'm in love with you now."

Clarke smiled warmly at her. "And I love you, Lexa, but just because you are in love with me now doesn't mean that Costia wasn't special to you. She was your first love, and a part of you will probably always love her. Plus, it takes time to truly get over something like that, especially since she was taken from you the way she was. You can tell me about your first kiss though if you think it will help. I'd be happy to listen."

Lexa made the split-second decision to tell Clarke, and she launched into the story before she could change her mind about it. "We were riding the Ferris Wheel, and it stopped at the top. How cliché, right? We found out later that it was Anya's doing, but we had no idea what was wrong at the time, so we sat up there and waited for it to be repaired. For thirty minutes, I might add. Anyway, after we had been up there a while, Costia whispered one word, 'beautiful,' and I argued with her, wondering how on earth she could find this carnival that was probably a hundred years old to be beautiful."

Lexa paused for a moment, looking down at the ground. She couldn't help but find it a little weird to be talking with her girlfriend about such a special moment that had occurred between her and her first love. "That's when she told me she wasn't talking about the carnival. I was kind of in awe, and I didn't really know what to do, so I just sat there, like the idiot I am, and she leaned over and kissed me, right on the lips. And that kiss that we shared up there. That was beautiful."

Clarke nodded to Lexa, prompting her to go on, and the brunette shrugged because that was really all there was to tell. Anya had brought them back down shortly after, wearing a smug smirk, and Lexa and Costia had become exclusive shortly after.

The brunette smiled at her girlfriend because Clarke had been right. Talking about her first kiss with Costia had made Lexa feel freer somehow, and she was relieved that the sight of the Ferris Wheel wasn't making her want to cry anymore. She had no desire to go back to the house anymore either, and she realized that she wanted nothing more than to stay right here and continue making new carnival memories with Clarke.

Once Clarke understood that Lexa did not have anything else to say, she dipped her head to the brunette. "I'm really glad that you told me about it. Did that make you feel better?"

Lexa nodded. "Much."

Before Clarke could say another word, it was her and Lexa's turn to get on the Ferris Wheel, and the brunette was surprised. She hadn't even noticed that they had gotten so far up in the line because she had been so caught up in her memory.

When she and Clarke reached the top of the Ferris Wheel, Lexa made another split-second decision and leaned over to press her lips to Clarke's in a chaste kiss. The blonde was surprised at first, but she quickly returned the kiss, rewarding Lexa with a dazzling smile when she pulled away. Lexa's goal had not been to replace her memory that she had made up here with Costia, of course. She knew in her heart that nothing would ever be able to replace such a moment. She just wanted to prove to herself that she was indeed moving on, that she could do something with Clarke that she had done with Costia without regretting it for days. Lexa could not fight back a grin of her own when she saw the pure joy in Clarke's eyes. For as long as she could remember, Lexa had been searching for some place that she could call home, somewhere with people who loved and accepted her.

As she noted the love in the blue eyes in front of her, she wondered if her home had to be a place at all.

* * *

After the Ferris Wheel, Octavia and Raven were all hot to trot to go on the ride with the spinning chair swings, and Lexa was slightly dismayed when everyone agreed with them. She hadn't minded Octavia and Raven leading the pack until now; she had rather found it nice that someone actually had an idea of what they wanted to do because she knew that she would find it hard to choose. Now, though, she thought differently. She wasn't sure if she would be able to handle the chair ride. She didn't want to be the one to rain on her friends' parade, so she was extremely glad when Anya voiced her own dissent.

"You guys can go ahead, but I'm going to sit this one out. That ride makes me sick."

"I don't think that's a good ride for me either," Lexa spoke up.

She had been swung around enough by her stepdad when she was younger, and she didn't want to chance the fact that the ride might trigger a particularly horrible flashback. Especially when she had no power over when to stop the ride.

"I'll stay off with you guys, and we can meet up with the others again later," Emori offered.

Lexa brightened at the thought of her friends staying off the ride with her, and she could tell from the look in Clarke's eyes that the blonde wanted to do the same.

"Go with your friends, Clarke," Lexa said knowingly. "I'll be fine by myself for a while."

Lexa could see the question in Clarke's eyes at this, wanting to know if Lexa was absolutely sure that that's what she wanted. The brunette only nodded, and Clarke followed her friends to the line while Lexa followed hers on a walk throughout the carnival area.

"So, Emori, why aren't you spending time with your boyfriend?" Lexa asked. "Jasper and Monty went in search of their girlfriends almost right away."

"Believe me, I would have ditched you all immediately, if John were actually here. As it happens though, he's not because he has to work on a project. That's an extremely lame excuse for issing the carnival, if you ask me, but oh well." Emori shrugged before giving Anya a playful shove. "Besides, I wouldn't want Anya here to feel left out."

"I told you, Mor, I'm perfectly fine," Anya said before turning a more serious gaze on Lexa. "But are you, Lex? I heard you and Clarke talking about Costia behind us when we were waiting in line for the Ferris Wheel."

Lexa was slightly surprised at this information because she had thought that no one was listening to what she and Clarke had been discussing earlier. She now wondered if the chair swing ride even made Anya sick at all or if she had just wanted to get this chance to talk to Lexa about what she had overheard. Either way, it warmed Lexa's heart that Anya cared so much.

"I'm fine now. Yes, I was feeling a little down at the Ferris Wheel because Costia and I shared our first kiss there and all, but talking to Clarke helped me through that. Besides, I stuck around, didn't I? There was a time when I wouldn't even be able to think about such a memory without bursting into tears or wanting to smash things."

"So you're over all that dark 'I will never have hope again' stuff?" Emori asked. "What about your old motto that life only gives good things to take them away again?"

Lexa shrugged, remembering exactly how she had felt during the time that Emori had referenced. She was quite glad to find that she was feeling much more lighthearted now. "I like to think that I can't possibly get so unlucky more than once."

Emori nodded in approval, bumping Lexa's shoulder playfully. "That a girl."

Lexa smiled at her friend, and she was suddenly glad that Emori had volunteered to stay off the ride with her as well. She had spent a good amount of time with Anya since she had started feeling like herself again, but she hadn't spent as much time with Emori. Lexa found herself slipping right back into her old habits with Anya and Emori again, even if Costia wasn't there. She needed to stop thinking about the fact that her first love wasn't around anymore and concentrate on the fact that Emori and Anya were, and they still wanted to be.

Lexa was seconds away from opening her mouth to thank the two girls for staying off the ride to spend time with her when Emori grabbed her and Anya by the arm and pulled them in front of one of the food stands without a single word of explanation. Anya glanced at her sister with a questioning look, and Lexa knew that a similar expression was adorning her own face.

Emori scoffed at the two of them, giving them each a pointed look. "They have funnel cake. We can't go to the carnival without getting some funnel cake."

Lexa shook her head, and Anya rolled her eyes, but neither one of them made any move to get out of the line. Lexa wasn't at all surprised that Emori had dragged them into this line with no explanation, and she felt as if nothing had even changed in the time she had spent apart from them. They seemed to be the same people they were before, and this made Lexa feel at least slightly better about the fact that she had missed a year of their lives, as well as her own.

When she had been standing in front of that Ferris Wheel earlier, she had thought that it had been a mistake to come here, but now she was extremely glad that she had come, if only to get the chance to hang out with her friends like she used to. And of course, she was also happy that she wouldn't be missing the funnel cake.

* * *

When Lexa, Emori, and Anya met back up with Clarke and her friends again, Raven immediately started walking away, and the others had no choice but to follow her. Lexa greeted her girlfriend with a kiss, having missed her in their short time apart, and then she slid her hand into Clarke's as they set off after Raven.

Anya nodded at where Raven was walking a few feet ahead of them, ponytail swinging behind her. "Where's she headed?"

"She's been begging us to go to the haunted house from the minute we got off the chair ride," Octavia explained. "I hope that's alright with you guys."

"The haunted house?" Emori asked with an excited grin. "Great! I love the haunted house."

Lexa didn't miss the question in the blue eyes that were now trained on her, and she nodded subtly to her girlfriend, assuring her that she would be fine in the haunted house. In fact, it was one of her favorite attractions. With her love of horror movies, it was right up her alley, and she thought that perhaps it was she who should be asking Clarke if she would be okay in the haunted house. Judging by the slight fear that Lexa could detect in blue eyes, the haunted house would not be the blonde's favorite attraction of the night. Lexa thought of asking Clarke about it, but she knew that her roommate would deny any discomfort she might be feeling for the simple fact that all of their friends seemed so excited to walk through it. Lexa settled for squeezing her girlfriend's hand instead.

When it was their turn to go inside, Lexa tried her best to hold back a laugh at the feeling of the death grip that Clarke was currently holding on her hand. As they walked into the hallways, Clarke cowered into Lexa's side, and the brunette stood tall, feeling a slight ego boost at the fact that she would look so brave in front of Clarke. She was sure that the blonde was glad that it was so dark inside so that the others would not see how afraid she was.

Upon entering the first room, there was a man acting as a doctor and his "creation" escaped, chasing the group down the hallway. Everyone was screaming and laughing as well, but Lexa could feel Clarke's hand quivering in her own, and she knew that her roommate was definitely not finding this act as amusing as the others were.

When they entered the next room, a man, who Lexa had thought was a potted plant at first, jumped out at them, causing them all to scream. Even Anya screamed this time, although Lexa knew that this was the only thing that could scare her best friend. Anya didn't get spooked in the slightest by any of the other stuff. Clarke, on the other hand, was frightened by every little thing and had jumped a mile into the air when it had happened, letting out a bloodcurdling shriek. She was now clutching her hand over her heart as she took deep breaths.

"Oh my gosh. Why do they have to do that?" she asked.

Lexa could not help but laugh a little. "Come on, Clarkey. If you could handle watching _Insidious_ last weekend, you should be able to handle a little haunted house."

Clarke glared at her. "Maybe I don't want to hold your hand anymore if you're going to tease me like that."

Lexa simply shrugged. "Okay."

The brunette was not surprised when Clarke latched onto her hand again the instant that they entered the next room. The eight of them walked through several more rooms, Clarke not getting any braver, and Lexa knew that her girlfriend was relieved when they reached the last hallway that led out of the haunted house. Clarke released Lexa's hand and started to walk slightly ahead of her, clearly feeling more confident now that the end was in sight. Lexa smirked and shook her head at the blonde, remembering what was going to happen next from her previous trip to this carnival. Lexa thought about warning her roommate, but she decided against it, knowing that it would be much more humorous for Clarke to experience it for herself.

When they were about to step out the door, a man with a chainsaw jumped out in front of them to block their path, and Clarke shrieked and jumped violently backwards into Lexa, knocking her hard against the wall. Lexa suddenly found herself transported back to her childhood bedroom, and instead of Clarke accidentally pushing her, her stepdad was roughly throwing her into the wall.

_"I don't want to do this," he said, in his false sympathetic tone, "but you need to learn your lesson somehow."_

Lexa suddenly felt a hand squeeze hers, and then blue eyes were breaking through her vision, bringing her back to reality. Lexa took a deep breath and then nodded gratefully at her girlfriend, letting the blonde know that she was alright now. Clarke squeezed her hand again and then turned her focus forward, pulling Lexa to the exit as if nothing had happened.

"Omg, when that plant guy jumped out at us at the beginning," Raven was saying as soon as they got outside. "That kind of thing scares the shit out of me."

"The entire thing scared the shit out of me," Clarke admitted, "especially that chainsaw part. Why didn't you guys tell me that was going to happen? I know you all knew."

"Because we wanted you to have the full experience." Lexa pinched Clarke's sides, causing the blonde to jump, and not even bothering to hold back her laugh.

"Some friends you are," Clarke grumbled to herself.

Lexa was extremely relieved that Clarke did not try to talk to her about what they both knew had happened back in the haunted house, nor did she even try to ask Lexa with her eyes if she was okay. She didn't even acknowledge it, and Lexa was grateful for that. She liked that Clarke was beginning to listen to her and had treated her flashback as if it had never happened. It was nice to have Clarke there to help her out of it. She could admit that, but she did not need anyone to make a fuss over it, and she was glad that her roommate was starting to understand that. She knew that she was lucky to have Clarke, who was so patient and willing to try with her. It wasn't exactly a new feeling to Lexa to have someone care so deeply about her. She knew that Costia had, and Anya still did, even if in a slightly different way. It was certainly a rare feeling though, and Lexa reveled in it.

When Lexa left the carnival that night, surrounded by Clarke and their friends (after picking up the blonde's lion, of course), Lexa dared to let herself hope that she might have finally found a place that she could call home as well.


	20. Chapter 20

Clarke and Lexa laid together in bed, breathing heavily after several good orgasms in a row. They did not normally engage in this activity in the mornings when people would be awake and possibly roaming the halls, but Clarke had made an exception today. Today was Family Visiting Day, and Clarke did not want Lexa's cheery mood from yesterday night's carnival to diminish because of the fact that everyone would have parents coming to visit, except for her.

The parents would be arriving in two hours, and Clarke knew that she needed to get out of bed and get ready to see her mom, but she didn't want to. Don't get her wrong, she was extremely excited to see her mother, and she almost could not wait. She was just finding it hard to pull her head away from where it was buried in the crook of Lexa's neck. Lexa was so warm, and Clarke felt like she could be lulled back to sleep at any moment by the gentle rise and fall of her girlfriend's chest. Lexa looked on the verge of falling back asleep herself, and Clarke wondered if the two of them had conditioned themselves to always expect to go to sleep after sex, as they did on most nights.

After several moments of lying still in bed, Lexa finally spoke. "I know this was just a distraction, but it was a damn good one."

Clarke wasn't surprised that Lexa had been able to see right through her distraction. After all, the blonde had caught on quickly when her roommate had tried to divert her attention last weekend. Clarke was just relieved that Lexa had not tried to protest this distraction because she had known the minute that she had woken up that the brunette needed it. Lexa's eyes had looked so sullen, and she had barely said a word. A soft press of Clarke's pink lips to hers had been enough to bring a slight smile to Lexa's face, and Clarke had deepened the kiss then, trying her best to take her girlfriend's mind off of the event that would be occurring that day.

"It started out as a distraction." She blushed slightly when she thought of the fact that she had only meant to have one round of sex with her girlfriend. "I may have taken it a lot further than I had originally intended to."

"Thank you, Clarke. It was perfect." Lexa squeezed Clarke's arm as the blonde held her tighter, wishing that she could lie here in bed until her mother showed up.

Lexa kissed the top of Clarke's head. "Why don't we go get showered up so that we can be clean when your mother arrives?"

"About that," Clarke said, "I want you to meet my mother."

She had originally meant to bring this up after they were all showered and ready, and she supposed that maybe she was stalling for time by bringing it up now. She wanted as much time as possible to continue to lie in bed against Lexa, but she also knew that she and Lexa might not get another moment away from the crowds before the parents arrived, and this was something that was too important to discuss in front of the other members of the house.

Lexa frowned in confusion. "Of course, Clarke. You've already told me that. I think it would be great to meet—"

"No, Lexa." Clarke cut the brunette off. "I guess I worded that wrong. I don't just want you to meet her and then leave. I want you to spend the day with us."

Lexa was already shaking her head, her green eyes disapproving. "I will not impose upon your time with your mother, Clarke."

"And I will not let you be here all by yourself," Clarke shot back. "I love you, Lexa, and I don't want you to feel left out because your parents are fucking stupid. Since you don't have anyone to spend time with, I'd love it for you to hang out with me and my mom. Honestly, my mom will love spending time with you, too, especially once she finds out that you're my girlfriend. I know you think that everyone sees you as burden, Lexa, but my mom isn't like that. I promise."

Lexa looked at her warily, and Clarke continued, admitting something that she hadn't even realized was true until now. "Besides, I have lived with my mom all my life, and I will see her for almost a month over Christmas break. I would rather see you now."

Clarke felt strange in saying this because she had never loved anyone more than her parents before in her life. They had always had the number one spot in her heart, but it seemed like Lexa had taken up residence there now, and Clarke wouldn't give her up for the world. The love that shone in Lexa's eyes. The quiet whispers on lazy mornings. The endless energy coursing through their veins at night. All of it was stronger than she had ever felt before, and it was a little scary to think that Lexa had somehow become the most important thing in her world.

Lexa opened her mouth to say more, and Clarke shot her a withering glare, making it clear that there was no room for argument, no way that Clarke was going to allow her to spend the day by herself.

"Fine," Lexa relented. "I'll stay with you guys today, but if you want me to leave, don't be afraid to tell me, okay? You won't hurt my feelings. All you have to do is say the word, and I'm gone."

Clarke reached out to cup Lexa's cheek with very serious blue eyes. "I will never, ever want you to leave, Lexa. I'm staying right here with you until I die, as far as I'm concerned, so you will have to be the one to tell me to leave."

"No," Lexa was quick to shake her head at Clarke's statement. "Don't leave me, remember?"

"I remember." Clarke leaned down to press their foreheads together.

For a moment, they stayed like that, both enjoying the warmth of the other, and when Clarke opened her eyes, she saw Lexa looking at her with such love that the blonde wanted nothing more than to pull her roommate in for a passionate kiss. She tried, but right before her lips could touch Lexa's, the other girl turned her head, evading Clarke's grasp. Clarke pouted at Lexa, who smirked at her, causing her pout to deepen.

Lexa reached out to pull the corners of Clarke's lips up. "You should be excited, Clarke. Your mother is coming, and you need to shower. We'll have plenty of time to do other things later."

The brunette winked at her, and Clarke nudged her girlfriend playfully. "Whatever."

Clarke got off the bed to head to the shower, pretending that it did not matter to her whether she got to kiss Lexa or not. She was secretly looking forward to that night though, thinking of all of the things that she intended to do to Lexa, and vice versa, once they had time to themselves again.

* * *

After breakfast, the parents started trickling through the door, and Clarke waited a little impatiently beside Lexa for her mother to come. The two of them were speaking with Emori and Anya's parents some, but all conversation seemed to blend with the chatter of all of the other students, due to the excitement that Clarke was feeling.

The moment that Clarke saw her mother's face arrive in the living room, she sprang up out of her seat and flung herself into Abby's arms, hugging her tightly.

"Mom!" Clarke exclaimed with a wide grin. "It's so good to see you again."

"It's great to see you as well, Clarke." Abby released her daughter with pure joy shining in her eyes. "You look so much happier than the last time I saw you."

"That's because you're here."

Abby playfully rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean, Clarke. When you left, you were still pretty sullen, and I don't think you truly believed that you would like this school. It's really nice to see that you are smiling again."

"You were right all along, Mom," Clarke admitted. "It's incredible here."

"Everyone does look very sweet. Which one's your roommate?"

Clarke looked back to where she had left Lexa, and she cringed, only in her mind though. Where everyone else was sitting on the couch or around the table, talking and laughing with their families, Lexa was sitting quietly at the head of the table, all alone. Emori and Anya were trying to keep her engaged in conversation with their parents, but clearly they were not doing a good enough job because Lexa seemed to be more interested in her hands, folded on the table in front of her, than anything that anyone was actually saying. Lexa's high mood from Clarke's amazing distraction this morning had clearly worn off, and the blonde's smile fell away. She could only hope that hanging out with her and her mother today would make Lexa feel better instead of worse. In all their talk that morning about not wanting the other to leave, it hadn't even crossed Clarke's mind to assure Lexa that she could excuse herself at any moment, if she felt that she needed to.

"She's the one at the head of the table over there." Clarke pointed her roommate out to her mom. "Her name is Lexa."

"Are those her parents?" Abby nodded to Anya and Emori's parents.

Clarke followed her mother's line of sight to see Lexa chatting with the adults with a bright smile on her face. The blonde was relieved that her roommate was smiling because that way, her mother would not pick up on the fact that anything was wrong, but Clarke also found the smile unsettling. Not because it looked wrong in any way, but because it looked so right. If Clarke had not seen the lonely look that Lexa had been sporting before, she would never have been able to tell that the smile that was now adorning Lexa's face was fake.

"No, her parents couldn't make it this year," Clarke informed her mother.

"Oh, what a shame."

"She understands though. She's not too upset about it."

"Why—"

Clarke knew what Abby was beginning to ask, and she didn't have an answer. If Lexa wanted Abby to know about her past, then she needed to be the one to tell her. Clarke quickly cut her mother off by yelling to Lexa, acting as if she didn't notice that Abby had started to say anything.

"Hey, Lex! Come meet my mom."

Lexa carefully stood from the table, making sure to push her chair in behind her. As Lexa made the short walk to where Clarke stood with her mother, the blonde thought that she looked rather like a dog, who was afraid to approach a human for the first time. The small twitch of Lexa's lips only confirmed Clarke's suspicions that she was nervous. It hadn't even crossed her mind that Lexa might have felt apprehension about this moment, but she supposed that it made sense because she intended to tell her mother about their relationship as soon as possible. She found it endearing that her girlfriend was so anxious to make a good first impression.

When the brunette reached Clarke's side, she politely extended her hand for Abby to shake. "I'm Lexa. It's nice to meet you."

"Abby." Clarke's mother accepted the handshake. "I hear that you have been treating my daughter quite well."

That was the moment that Clarke chose to take Lexa's hand in her own, responding for the brunette. "As it is, Lexa also happens to be my girlfriend."

Abby looked at Clarke with pure shock in her eyes, stunned into silence for a moment. Of course, she was not shocked that Clarke was dating a girl. She had known that her daughter was bisexual for quite some time now. The surprise came from the fact that Clarke was even interested in anyone at all. Clarke hadn't looked at anyone twice since her father had gotten sick, and it was clear that Abby had not expected her daughter to display any sort of romantic interest in anyone in the near future. Clarke had honestly been surprised herself because she hadn't intended to find love here or fall for Lexa so quickly. That didn't mean that she wasn't confident about her relationship though. Lexa made her feel better than she had in a long time, and she was not about to give that up due to a fear that she might be moving too fast.

Clarke could tell, through Abby's silence, that her mother was trying to work out how Clarke could possibly be looking at someone so lovingly that she had only known for two months. "This looks very serious, Clarke. How long has this been going on?"

"About a month now," Clarke replied easily, knowing that her mother would approve, "and it is very serious. We're in love."

Lexa jumped in before Abby even had a chance to respond, and it became clear to Clarke that her girlfriend had been holding herself back from doing this since the blonde had made the announcement. "Mrs. Griffin, I swear that I love your daughter so much and that I want nothing more than to see her happy. She means the world to me, and I promise you that I will treat her right and—"

Abby stopped Lexa before she could ramble on any further, and Clarke thought that the brunette looked slightly grateful. "And I can already see that you are good for her. Clarke hasn't dated anyone since before her father died, and as far as I know, she has never loved anyone either. I can see now that you're the one who helped her fully get over her father's death, and I cannot thank you enough for that. If Clarke has chosen to give her heart to you, then I know that you must be worth it, and I look forward to getting to know you today, Lexa. I get the sense that this will not be the last that I see of you."

Clarke could easily see the relief shining in Lexa's eyes. "Thank you, Mrs. Griffin. I hope to impress."

"I'm sure you will, and please, call me Abby," the older woman insisted.

Clarke zoned out as her mother and Lexa talked on, realizing that what her mother had said was true. Lexa _had_ helped Clarke to fully get over her father's death, without even trying. The brunette's presence had been enough to give Clarke's life purpose again, and she hoped that Lexa would continue to be her purpose for the rest of her days.

A few moments later, Mr. Kane entered the room and called everyone's attention to him. "Welcome, parents. I am really happy to see that so many of you were able to make it today. I want to let all of you know that lunch will be ready in around three hours, so if you wish to go anywhere before then, I suggest that you do it now. Today is about you and the students so the campus will be open all day if any of you want to tour it, and of course, there is the famous ice cream shop across the street. Please make sure to watch the time and be back here in time to eat because Indra is preparing quite the feast. I think that the main dish is sandwiches, and we will have several different meats to select from – turkey, ham, salami, you name it. I hope that you all enjoy your day, and thank you all for coming!"

Mr. Kane excused himself to go help Indra in the kitchen, and Clarke felt slightly guilty that she hadn't even thought to offer the woman some help with lunch when she knew that the house mother had so many people to prepare it for. She and Lexa could have been helping out while they were waiting for Abby, but she supposed that it was too late now.

Gentle voices drifted into her ear, and she turned back to where Abby and Lexa had resumed talking. She didn't even get a chance to figure out what they were saying though before Octavia bounded over and grabbed both of Clarke's hands in her own. "Hey, Clarke, I think everyone is going to head over to Jaha's for a little bit. Are you in?"

Clarke raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Won't that spoil our appetites for lunch?"

"Lunch isn't for another three hours," Octavia argued. "Besides, it's just ice cream. It's not like it's a full meal."

Clarke looked back at Lexa and her mother, and once she received a nod from both women, she herself nodded to Octavia. "We'd love to."

* * *

Upon entrance to Jaha's, Clarke's eyes widened in surprise when she saw how full it was. It was even fuller now that it would get after school on kickball days, and that was saying something. Everywhere Clarke looked, there were students and their parents, talking and eating ice cream, and the volume of the restaurant had risen to an all-time high. Luckily, it appeared as though Jaha had brought in more tables than usual, and their large group made quick work of pushing some of them together to make two different tables that would accommodate everyone.

When the group went up to order their ice cream, Thelonius Jaha happily began scooping the different flavors out for them, and Clarke was surprised to see that his son, Wells, was with him. She recognized the boy from her history class, and she knew that this day had to be the busiest day of the year, if he had come to help out; she had never seen him in the shop before. Both Jahas wore huge smiles on their faces as they worked, happy that this day would be so good for business.

Once everyone was seated, Abby turned towards Lexa again, clearly still trying to get to know her better, now that she had become so important to Clarke. "So, Lexa. Clarke said that your parents weren't able to make it today. Is something wrong?"

Lexa shook her head. "No. They have a very important business meeting today that they couldn't get out of, no matter how hard they tried."

The lie rolled off of Lexa's tongue so quickly and easily that Clarke was amazed. There was not even the slightest hesitation, nor did Lexa look put off in the least by the question. Her act was so good that Clarke would not even think it possible that this could be a touchy question for the other girl, if she did not know better.

"Ah, well, I suppose you'll see them over winter break, then. I'm really impressed with this school though. Why did you choose to come here, Lexa?"

Clarke cringed a little as she thought of the answer to that question. She knew that her mother was only trying to make small talk with Lexa, but she was hitting on areas of the brunette's life that Clarke knew her roommate didn't want to talk about, especially not with someone she barely even knew. The blonde wished that her mother would stop making Lexa uncomfortable with her questions, but then again, that would mean that Abby would have to stop asking about Lexa's past in general. Clarke was trying to think of something to say that would bring the conversation back to the present, but Lexa was quick with her answer, taking it in stride.

"The nice atmosphere was certainly a selling point, but the main reason I decided to go to school here was the education. Polis students test higher than any other students in the state, and the teachers here are top-notch."

Clarke was unsettled by Lexa's easy posture and her comfortable demeanor. She knew that Lexa's acting skills were on full force today because she did not want Abby to think that she was anything less than perfect for her daughter. However, it still troubled Clarke to see her roommate behaving in this manner. It was like Lexa had a twin or a robot replica or something.

Clarke let it slide though. She couldn't very well bring the topic up in front of her mother, and she knew that Abby was impressed by Lexa's answer. Clarke only hoped that they could now move on to a different topic, and she barely stopped herself from face palming when she heard the next words that came out of her mother's mouth.

"I can't wait to meet your parents, Lexa. I hope that I will get to see them when I come to pick Clarke up after this semester."

"I'm sure they'll be really excited to meet you, too." Lexa smiled brightly.

This impossible performance that Lexa was putting on was starting to scare Clarke. There was not even the slightest hint that the brunette was lying. No frown. No stutter. Not even a trace of anything other than happiness in her eyes, and Clarke wanted nothing more than to make it stop. She had to change the subject fast, or she felt as if she might cry, or worse, call Lexa out on it. She quickly gestured to Raven and Octavia, who were sitting across the table from them. "Mom, you have to meet Octavia and Raven. They live across the hall from me, and they are my best friends at Polis."

The other girls turned their attention to Clarke when they heard the sound of their names, and Abby's attention was successfully diverted from the girl beside her daughter. Raven, who was sitting directly across from Abby, held out her hand for the older woman to shake. "Hey, Mrs. G. I'm Raven."

Lexa shot Clarke a grateful look, and the blonde squeezed her hand under the table, finally feeling like she could breathe again now that the Lexa she knew was back. She knew it was silly, but she had needed this proof that her girlfriend was simply putting on an act. She had almost started to believe, for a moment, that the unrecognizable girl who had been talking to Abby was real, and she sighed in relief when Lexa confirmed that that was not the case. Octavia noticed Lexa's look as well, from her spot beside Raven, and she immediately caught on to the implication that they needed a change in conversation topic.

"Hello, Mrs. Griffin, I'm Octavia. I've heard a lot about you from Clarke this past week. You're a doctor, right?"

Abby began to talk about her job, and Clarke flashed a grateful smile at Octavia. The brunette subtly dipped her head in acknowledgement, even though her eyes remained on Abby. Clarke could tell that Octavia wasn't paying much attention to the medical jargon that was now spewing from Abby's mouth, but anything was better than the onslaught of uncomfortable questions that she had been unknowingly directing at Lexa.

"What is it that you two want to be once you finish school?" Abby asked, after she had finished talking about her job.

Raven was quick to take control of answering that question. "I want to do something in the science field. My parents are both chemists, and I am loving chemistry this year myself, so maybe I will follow in their footsteps."

"A very honorable profession. It's never a bad thing to follow in your parents' footsteps, especially when they have good jobs." Abby shot a wink at Clarke, who playfully rolled her eyes. "What about you, Octavia?"

The girl in question groaned aloud, and Clarke could tell that Octavia did not have any reserves about how she acted in front of Abby. "I have no idea. I hate school as it is, so I can't imagine another four years of it after high school."

Clarke was surprised when her mother laughed. "I'm sure you'll find something, dear. Lexa?"

"I'm not sure yet either," Lexa answered honestly. "I can assure you though that I take my schooling much more seriously than Octavia does. I'm just going to need another year to figure it out."

"Which is fine," Abby answered. "You can take even longer, if you need to."

"I'm going to need another sixty years to figure out what I want to do," Octavia said. "I'll be waiting until they make watching Netflix into a job."

"Octavia, how many times do I have to tell you that that will never happen?" The brunette's mother turned away from where she had been talking with Bellamy and her husband. She turned to Abby and held out her hand. "I'm Aurora. I'm sorry if Octavia's being a little blunt, but that's the way she is. You get used to it after so many years of parenting."

"I know the feeling." Clarke's mother chuckled, excepting Aurora's outstretched hand. "I'm Abby."

As Abby began to talk with the other parents, Clarke was glad to have a moment alone with Lexa. Or rather she would have liked to, but no sooner had she placed a gentle kiss on her girlfriend's cheek than Lexa's phone started ringing.

Clarke's face fell as Lexa pulled the device from her pocket, brows furrowing when she read the caller ID. "It's Mr. Kane."

Confusion settled over Clarke's face as she wondered what Mr. Kane could possibly want. She wondered if maybe it was time for lunch, but she knew that they couldn't have been out for much more than an hour. The blonde tried to read the conversation through Lexa's end, but she gave up, resolving to wait for Lexa to hang up.

After a few minutes, Lexa brought the phone down from her ear with a guarded look. "Luna's parents have decided to come anyway this year."

Clarke wanted to smile, but she could tell from the look on Lexa's face that the brunette did not think that this was such a good thing.

"This could be good," Clarke assured her. "Go talk to them. Show them how much better you've gotten since Costia's death. I'm sure they'll be happy to see it."

Lexa gave Clarke a shy smile. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Clarke offered up a smile of her own.

Lexa stood from the table, drawing questioning glances from those seated closest to her. "Mr. Kane called and told me that my parents were able to make it, after all. I'm going back to the house to meet them."

Octavia and Raven turned concerned faces up to Lexa at the brunette's words, and Clarke knew instantly where their minds had gone. She caught Raven's eye and mouthed "Luna," which the other girl than quickly relayed to Octavia, causing their wary looks to turn into supportive ones. Clarke nodded to them as Aurora began speaking. "You go ahead. We'll be done here soon anyway, so we'll see you again shortly."

"Sure you'll be okay by yourself?" Clarke asked when she stood up to hug Lexa goodbye.

"I'll be fine," Lexa assured. "I want to beat the crowds though so that I can tell Luna's parents to pretend to be my own. That way, I won't have to explain to everyone about my past."

The brunette slipped out of Clarke's embrace, and Clarke found that she could only watch as Lexa made her way out of Jaha's, unable to move from where she had been standing until the door closed behind her roommate. Only then did she tear her gaze away and plop back down beside her mother, swept up again in the warm atmosphere that was created by the parents. Still, Clarke couldn't help but will everyone to eat their ice cream faster so that she could be back with Lexa again. She found that she was kind of excited to meet Luna's parents as well.

* * *

The house was unusually quiet when Lexa got back, now that it was virtually empty, the only sound coming from the friendly-looking couple who were speaking with Mr. Kane in the hallway. The moment they noticed Lexa, their conversation dwindled away as they turned to her with matching smiles on their faces.

"Lexa, it's so good to see you again," the woman said cheerfully.

Dread settled into the pit of Lexa's stomach when she realized what she had played right into, and she felt like she was going to vomit. These people weren't Luna's parents at all.

They were her own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me too much! For the cliffhanger or for what I am doing plot-wise. I'm sorry for making you wait, but I hope that you were able to enjoy the chapter anyway, despite the cliffhanger ending. As such, I will definitely update sooner than I normally do because I wouldn't want to make you guys wait a whole week to find out what happens next. Thank you to everyone who has continued to read and support this story! I love you all! <3


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The much awaited chapter is finally here! I don't know how exciting that is anymore in the face of these election results. We can't let this scare us into hiding who we are though. Just stay strong, Clexakru, because our fight is not over.

Lexa wanted to scream, run, do something, but she found herself frozen, rooted to the spot as she looked into the faces of the people who had tormented her for years. They were both smiling at her, pretending to be those people that had shown up on Luna's doorstep years ago, those people who had promised her the life that she had always wanted. And she had fallen for it. She knew that it was fake now.

Mr. Kane smiled happily at her, completely unaware that anything was wrong.

"Your parents have been informing me that they were able to come this year after all, and they wanted to surprise you."

Lexa swallowed thickly.

It was definitely a surprise.

She quickly forced a smile though, not wanting to clue Mr. Kane in to the fact that anything was wrong, and she found it easy to call upon the happy act that she had been putting on every time that Abby had asked her a question that made her skin crawl. She stepped forward to greet her parents, and she cringed when they hugged her, mentally calculating any way that she might be able to ditch them.

"How about you show us your room, sweetie? We'd love to finally see it," her mother said with false cheerfulness.

Lexa knew that her twelve-year-old self would have been in heaven because of the hugs and the affection that her parents were showing her right now. This was all that she had ever dreamed of as a kid and all that she now knew she could never have. She wouldn't fall for the same mistake twice.

She knew that her parents were up to no good and was aware that they were only trying to get her alone, but she was going to let them. She knew that it was the only way to find out what they wanted and why they had shown up here after two and a half years. She honestly wondered how they even knew about this event in the first place, but she supposed that she could ask them once they were alone. She beckoned for them to follow her, wanting to get this over with before she lost all traces of the confidence that she was trying so desperately to cling to.

"Sure. Right this way." Lexa began to lead the way up the stairs.

"Have fun," Mr. Kane told her before heading off to the kitchen to help Indra prepare lunch.

Lexa couldn't help but feel, as she walked up the stairs, that she was trekking to her death. She wanted to plead with Mr. Kane with her eyes, hoping that he might notice something in them, but she knew that she could not. No one could know about this if she did not wish to be placed in the system. She had to sort this out on her own.

As expected, the moment Lexa and her parents were inside of her room, their smiles immediately dropped, replaced by ugly scowls. The looks on their faces didn't fit the mood that Lexa had come to associate with this room. This was her home, and she did not like the fact that these people were inside of her and Clarke's safe space. She vowed that she was not going to act like some weak little girl this time. She squared her shoulders, hoping to be as strong as Clarke had been making her feel.

"How did you find out where I was?" she asked, careful to keep the bite out of her tone so as not to upset them right away.

"Are you kidding?" her mother sneered. "We've been getting these silly little invitations for this ridiculous event every single year."

Lexa's mouth dropped open in slight shock, and her eyes hardened into green blades. "And you're just now choosing to do something about it? If this event is so stupid, then why are you even here now?"

Her stepfather stepped forward menacingly, grabbing her wrist in a painful grip. "Don't you dare talk to your mother that way, you little bitch! Do you hear me? You are to be respectful when you speak to us."

Lexa was instantly filled with terror at the sight of his hate-filled eyes and the feel of his grip on her wrist. She had hoped that he would not try to harm her with Indra and Mr. Kane right downstairs, but clearly, that was not going to stop him. Lexa brought her eyes up to look directly into her stepfather's, and she quickly squeaked out an answer before he broke her wrist. "Yes, sir."

"Good." He nodded gruffly, releasing his grip on her. She tentatively flexed her wrist and breathed out a sigh of relief when she found that she could still move it. It would probably bruise, but he hadn't done any real damage to it.

They were all silent for a moment, and Lexa wanted to ask again, in a less sassy way, why it was that they were there. However, she found that she could not speak, and she cursed herself for trembling slightly in fear.

"As for why we're here," her mother finally spoke, "we know that you've been staying with the family across the street again, and that is not going to continue any longer. There is lots of work to do around the house, and we want you back home to do it."

Lexa could not think of anything worse. There was no way that she could go back to that life that she had led before coming to school at Polis. She thought that it might finally break her completely, her pieces becoming so small and infinite that there would be no way for anyone to glue them back together, not even Clarke.

Lexa wanted to protest, wanted to stand up to these awful people, but she found that she couldn't do it under the harsh light of her stepfather's angry glare. She hung her head submissively, and she loathed herself for it.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Now that's more like the girl I remember," said her stepfather. "It's good that you are remembering how to be obedient. I wouldn't want to have to hurt you."

Lexa shuddered under his gaze, the false kindness that had entered his eyes, and she wished that he would leave now. The two of them had gotten what they came for, so why were they still here?

"We know that the neighbors are paying for your schooling," her stepfather continued, "and we don't think that it's fair for them to have to keep wasting their money on you. We ourselves can't continue to pay for this fancy-ass school of yours, so you're coming home now. It'll be great to have you back."

An incredulous look settled over Lexa's face. "But I still have school. You can't pull me out in the middle of the semester."

Lexa knew that arguing was the wrong thing to do, but she hadn't been able to stop herself in her utter shock at his statement. The hard look came over his eyes again, and he raised his voice. "Don't you question me, girl! We are pulling you out now. You're not going to continue sitting up here on your high throne like the queen when you're nothing more than a worthless bitch. You're old enough to get a job now, and you were always great at cleaning up the house, and quite frankly, we need our slave back. You can continue your education at the public school down the street, where it's free. We're leaving now, so grab your things."

Lexa felt extremely dizzy all of a sudden, and she grabbed onto her bedpost to keep herself from falling. She could feel her throat constricting, making it harder to breathe, and tried her best to fight off the panic attack that she thought was sure to be coming. She didn't even want to think about what would happen if she had a panic attack in front of this man whom she had thought was out of her life for good. He would probably beat her to death.

She tried to force his presence to the back of her mind, instead focusing on what he was demanding. He was trying to take her away from her new home, her new family, her new life, and she couldn't think of anything worse than leaving this place that had made her want to live again. Even more importantly, she knew that there was no way she was going to let this man take her away from Clarke. She had finally found someone again who loved her despite everything that she had been through, someone she loved more than anyone she had ever known in her life. She had finally found a home in her roommate, and she sure as hell was not about to lose it. So yes, here he was, her worst nightmare, standing right in front of her, but she couldn't feel her fear anymore. Now, she felt only anger and determination. This was where she drew the line.

She stood up tall, exuding the utmost confidence, eyes sparking with defiance, and for the first time ever, her voice did not shake when she addressed her stepfather.

"No."

Her stepfather stepped forward again, his voice low and dangerous. "What did you say to me?"

He was daring her to say it again, but she didn't even flinch, her eyes never wavering from his. "I think I said no."

"I never want to hear that word from you again! I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice."

She knew what was coming before she even felt it, and she allowed it as he punched her right in the face. She reeled back, clutching her hand to her cheek, but she wasn't going to let him hit her more than that. In all her time with her stepfather, she had never tried to evade his beatings. She thought she had deserved them, but Clarke had taught her differently. She didn't deserve this, and she knew that, so she made a break for it, catching her stepdad off guard.

She ran for the door, about to go yell to Indra or Mr. Kane and show them the proof in the red mark that she was surely sporting on her cheek. Her stepdad stood there in shock for a moment, unable to move, and that's what she had been counting on as she reached for the doorknob. She began to turn it, but he grabbed her off her feet, and she wanted to cry because she had been so close to freedom, so close to saving herself.

Her stepfather flung her hard into the wall, and she fell to the floor with a thud, the air knocked right out of her. She tried to get up, but she was too dazed to move. She tried to at least crawl away, maybe pull herself underneath the bed, where it would be harder for her stepdad to get at her, but her body wouldn't work as she gasped for breath. All she could do was watch as he approached her, the embodiment of each of her flashbacks and nightmares, and hope that her next few breaths would not be her last.

* * *

The residents of Arkadia house and their parents walked through the doorway thirty minutes after Lexa had left them at the ice cream shop, Clarke had counted. She walked into the living room, expecting to see Lexa, but all she saw was Indra and Mr. Kane on the far side of the spacious room, getting the table ready for lunch. Her face fell as people around her began settling onto the couches, wondering if her roommate had wanted to be alone with Luna's parents for a while.

"Where's Lexa?"

"She's upstairs in her room with Tom and Linda," Mr. Kane said jovially. "They were able to come here to surprise her."

"Cool. Did Luna come, too?" Clarke asked curiously.

"Luna?" Mr. Kane looked lost, and Clarke could see that the answer was no. "I'm not sure who that is. Only her mother and stepfather came."

Clarke felt like her stomach had fallen out of her body, leaving her insides to trickle out behind it as she processed what he had said. It hadn't been Luna's parents who had come at all, and Clarke knew that she had gone completely white when she realized who had come in their stead.

Clarke felt extremely faint, and it took all she had to turn her head and gauge the reactions of those behind her. As expected, the students all had worried looks upon ashen faces while the parents smiled on obliviously.

Everyone was silent for a moment, the moods of those silences quite different between the two age groups, and then Anya appeared at Clarke's side, tugging at her sleeve. "We have to do something. Who knows what they'll do to her?"

The dryness in Clarke's mouth made it hard for her to get her words out. "We can't all go storming up there at once."

"Well, _someone_ has to go up there," Octavia argued. "We can't just leave her with them."

"I'll go," Clarke said, trying to calm herself down as much as possible. "You guys stay here, and I'll go check on them."

Octavia stood from where she had been sitting on the couch. "I'm not letting you go by yourself."

"Yes, you are," Clarke said sternly. "I can handle it."

"What is going on here?" Abby finally asked, and Clarke had honestly forgotten that the parents were still there. It felt like everyone had disappeared, except for her housemates, her brain zeroing in on the people who knew exactly what a crisis this was.

The blonde looked at her friends, wondering how on earth to answer her mother. She knew that Lexa would probably want her to lie, but one scanning of the looks on the parents' faces, and Clarke knew that they could tell that what was happening was serious.

"Lexa's stepfather used to abuse her before she came here," Clarke said shakily, "and we're scared, I'm terrified, of what he might be doing to her upstairs."

Abby put a hand over her mouth as her eyes widened, and it took her a moment to regain her calm composure. "I'll go up there and take care of it."

"No," Clarke said immediately. "It has to be me. Lexa would want it to be me."

There wasn't even a moment left for Abby to protest because Clarke was already sprinting up the stairs. She tried her best to get control of her thoughts, mind searching desperately for some form of plan as she ran down the hallway. As her mind began to weave together the beginnings of a plan, she halted outside the door. She didn't particularly like her new strategy, but she couldn't argue with the fact that it would probably be her best shot. Pressing her ear to the wood, she listened.

"We're leaving now, so grab your stuff."

The voice was male, obviously that of Lexa's stepfather, and Clarke smiled with pride when she heard Lexa say no. The blonde was surprised, grin only growing, when Lexa didn't back down to his questioning. She had been so caught up in this pride for her girlfriend, though, that she had completely forgotten about what would inevitably happen next until Tom started yelling. The doorknob rattled, and Clarke jumped to action, flinging the door open in time to see Lexa hit the wall hard on the opposite side of the room and crumple to the ground. Tom advanced towards her, and Clarke decided to stick to the plan that she had formulated outside the door. She knew that it was the only way to keep these awful human beings away and keep Lexa out of the system.

She pulled out her phone and set it to record as Tom yelled obscenities at the poor girl on the ground, and Clarke found it hard not to cry out with Lexa when he kicked her hard in the stomach. He bent down, maybe to pull her to her feet or maybe to hit her, but Clarke didn't wait to find out. She stopped her recording, sliding her phone back into her pocket, and she pounced onto Tom's back before he could hit his stepdaughter again. He reared back in surprise, and Lexa looked up at the blonde in slight disbelief. "Clarke?"

"I'm here," Clarke said soothingly, meeting Lexa's eyes.

"Get off me," Tom swatted at Clarke, and she let go of him, dropping to the ground and racing over to where Lexa lay, forgetting that Lexa's parents were even in the room as she and the brunette on the floor in front of her became the only two people in the world.

Clarke gently pulled Lexa into her lap, running her fingers through brown hair in the way that she knew instantly comforted the other girl. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Lexa moved her limbs as if she was surprised that they still worked, clearly still in shock. Then, the tears finally fell from her eyes, and she collapsed into Clarke, shaking as she sobbed.

Clarke rubbed her girlfriend's back as she turned to Tom with fury sparking in her blue eyes. "How could you do this to her?! Again."

Tom simply stared at her, clearly still surprised that she had pulled him away from Lexa like she had.

"You know what? I don't even care," Clarke continued. "I know you two are just horrible people, and there's nothing that can be done about that, but you are NOT taking Lexa out of this school. If you know what's good for you, you'll never come near her again."

Tom's lips pulled back in a threatening snarl. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

"Her girlfriend," Clarke snapped, her voice sharp, but her hands gentle as she clutched Lexa to her. "You are leaving now, and you are to stay away from Lexa, is that clear? If I ever catch you two anywhere near her again, I will not hesitate to call Child Protective Services and have both of you thrown in jail."

Tom chuckled, a dry, humorless laugh. "I don't think so. You have no proof, _little girl_."

"I have all of the proof that I need." Clarke pulled her phone from her pocket and brought up the video so that Tom could see it for himself. "I have you on video standing over Lexa as she lies on the floor, yelling awful things at her, and I also got you kicking her in the stomach, _and_ it's clear you were going to hit her again after that. So, you can either leave now, and I'll keep this video to myself, or you can try to take Lexa back to your house, and I'll show it to the police. Your choice."

Clarke had never been so angry before in her life, and she knew that she sounded sort of scary, but that was exactly what she wanted. She thought that she could detect a hint of fear on Tom's face, and it was written plainly on Linda's. Clarke scoffed at the two of them. Of course, they were both cowards as well. Lowlife cowards who enjoyed seeing Lexa in pain. It made Clarke sick to her stomach.

Linda grabbed Tom's arm, speaking in a gentle voice. "Maybe we should go."

"Let's get out of here," he agreed. "I don't know why we even went to all this trouble in the first place just to come visit that piece of shit."

Clarke almost lost her temper in that moment. She wanted to jump up and punch Tom in his own face, wanted to scream at him that Lexa was the best thing that ever existed in this world, that he was the piece of shit. She restrained herself only because she was still holding Lexa in her arms, and she didn't want to do anything that could make this worse for the poor brunette.

Tom and Linda then stormed out the door with one more glare at Clarke, leaving her and Lexa alone. Clarke still did not speak though. She had no idea what to say. So, the two of them sat quietly on the floor, and Clarke hoped that Lexa found the silence to be comforting.

"Thank you for saving me," Lexa finally spoke.

"No problem," Clarke said quietly, a tiny whisper that escaped her lips in the shock that she was still feeling, now that the moment was over.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't deal with them on my own." Lexa's voice was so small that Clarke barely heard her.

The blonde immediately began rubbing her hand up and down Lexa's arm. "Hey, don't think like that, okay? There was nothing you could have done to stop your stepdad from being the cruel, evil person that he is. I'm proud of you for standing up to him."

Lexa shrugged, and Clarke's face fell, knowing that Lexa would normally have smiled at her praise.

"Either way, I'm glad that you were there," Lexa said.

She wiped her face against Clarke's shirt and then stood from the blonde's lap. Clarke was reluctant to let her go, and she wished that she had held on tighter the minute Lexa's warmth left her.

Lexa stepped in the direction of her bed, but Clarke reached out and caught her hand, causing green eyes to look down into blue for the first time since the brunette's parents had left. "Are you okay, LW?"

Lexa hesitated, looking conflicted, almost as if she were deciding whether or not to tell the truth. She let out a long sigh. "I hope so."

The uncertainty in Lexa's voice frightened Clarke a little, but she could tell that her roommate wanted to be left alone. The blonde was hesitant to leave her girlfriend alone after what had just happened, but she had learned by now that she needed to respect Lexa's wishes. Plus, Clarke knew that her mother was waiting downstairs and was probably starting to worry. She nodded to Lexa as she stood from the floor, and the other girl nodded back. As Clarke walked out into the hallway and shut the door behind her, she found that what worried her the most was not what might happen if she left Lexa alone or even what she had witnessed moments ago, but the distance that she had seen in green eyes before she had left.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Sunday, everyone! As you probably have expected, this chapter is a pretty heavy one, so get ready. Thank you to everyone who leaves comments on this. I love hearing your guys' reactions to each new chapter, and thanks for all of the kudos. I appreciate each and every one of them, and I hope you guys know that you are the best! Enjoy!

Clarke descended the staircase to find many pairs of expectant eyes trained on hers. Everyone was standing stone still, and it looked as if they hadn't moved since the moment Clarke had left them. She briefly wondered if they had said anything to Tom and Linda as they made their way out the door. She thought that they probably had not, instead simply waiting for the blonde to emerge from her room. She didn't know what to tell them though, didn't even know how to begin to explain what had happened upstairs, so she wandered into the living room without a word, simply leaning against the doorframe. Now that it was over, the shock of what she had witnessed was starting to hit her hard, and she didn't think that she could speak, even if she wanted to.

"Well?" Abby finally prompted after several seconds had gone by in silence. "Do we need to call the police?"

"No," Clarke answered immediately. "Please don't."

"Honey, if these people are abusing their child, then we need to notify the authorities," Abby argued. "We can't allow her to be sent home to them again if they're going to hurt her."

"They won't. When I went up there, her stepfather was beating her." Clarke closed her eyes against the gasps before continuing. "I caught it on video, and I told him that if I ever caught him near her again, I would call the police. I can assure you that they won't touch her. They're both cowards." Clarke felt tears of anger welling up in her eyes, and she turned back to Abby, trying to explain the situation. "We can't call the police because they'll want to put Lexa into the system, and we can't let that happen. _I_ can't let that happen. She has been through so much already, and she doesn't need that, on top of everything else."

"Okay, Clarke. If you're sure." The blonde was surprised that her mother had ceased her argument, and she knew that she must look pretty upset if Abby had given in so easily. She reached up to wipe her cheeks and was not surprised to find them wet.

"I am." Clarke nodded, trying to sound sure of herself, despite her tear-streaked cheeks.

Octavia stepped forward to get a closer look at the blonde. "Are _you_ okay, Clarke?"

The question came as a surprise. Clarke had been so caught up in thoughts of Lexa that she hadn't even once stopped to think about herself. She knew immediately what the answer was though. She wanted to scream and cry at the same time because she had never wanted for Lexa to be hurt again. She had most certainly never wanted to see it. There was something about watching her roommate being beaten right before her very eyes that made the situation even worse than it had seemed when she was simply hearing about it. She couldn't help the nagging feeling that she had failed Lexa as a girlfriend. She hadn't been able to keep her safe.

Clarke shook her head in answer to Octavia's question, knowing that everyone had already seen the answer streaking from her eyes. "I just need some time to process what I saw," Clarke said. "I'll be okay soon."

Anya then spoke the question that Clarke was sure was on everybody's mind. "Will Lexa?"

"I don't know."

* * *

Once Abby had gotten Clarke calmed down to a considerable degree, she left her daughter downstairs with her friends while she went upstairs to use the restroom. Or rather, that's what she said that she would be doing. Instead, she was searching for Clarke's room, longing to check on the poor girl that was inside. She spotted the room easily because it was the only one with a closed door, and she knocked softly against the wood.

"Go away, Clarke," said a voice from inside.

Abby opened the door anyway, walking in to find Lexa curled up on her bed with a devastated look in her eyes.

"It's just me." Abby announced herself. "Are you alright, Lexa?"

Green eyes wandered over to meet Abby's. "I don't know."

Abby sat down on the edge of Lexa's bed, raking her fingers through brown curls the way that she always did for Clarke when she was sick, and Lexa sighed, leaning into her touch.

"Could you sit up for me so that I can look you over?" Abby asked. "I want to make sure that you're okay physically."

Lexa slowly pulled herself up into a sitting position, looking to Abby with a blank stare in her eyes. The older woman gestured to the bruise on Lexa's cheek. "Did you put ice on that?"

The girl hesitated for a moment before shaking her head. "I wanted it to bruise."

Green eyes instantly widened, as if she hadn't meant to say that, and Abby wished that doctors could take away emotional pain, too. She wanted to question Lexa about the statement that she had made, but she restrained herself, knowing that it was not her place to ask.

"Were you hurt anywhere else?" she asked instead.

"My stomach, and I suppose my back when he threw me against the wall."

"Can you take your shirt off, please?"

Lexa simply nodded, and Abby was glad that this did not seem to humiliate the girl. Abby's gaze was drawn directly to the large bruise that was forming on Lexa's stomach, and she immediately moved to inspect it further, poking and prodding a bit to make sure no internal damage had been done. Then, she moved around to assess Lexa's spine, although had any real damage been done to it, Lexa most likely would have known immediately.

When Abby moved back, Lexa pulled her shirt back over her head, and the woman nodded to her daughter's girlfriend. "It looks like you're fine, in the physical sense of the word. Aside from your bruises, no harm has been done."

"Thank you," Lexa said quietly.

"You're welcome."

Abby knew that this was her cue to leave, but she needed to make sure that she was doing the right thing by listening to her daughter. She did not agree with her daughter's insistence that they refrain from calling the police, that they do nothing, and she had half a mind to do it anyway. She knew that it wasn't up to either of them though. Lexa was the one whose life would be directly affected by the outcome, so she was the one who needed to make the decision.

"Lexa, I think that we need to notify the police about what happened earlier," Abby informed her. "Your parents shouldn't be allowed to get away with what they did to you."

Tears began to form in the corners of green eyes. "You can't. Please tell me you haven't."

"I haven't," Abby reassured, "but I think that someone should. These people can't get to simply go on leading their lives when they have beaten their daughter on I don't even know how many occasions."

"Abby, we can't. Their punishment is not being able to force me to live with them. I don't want to have to be questioned and have to go to court, and I don't want to live in the system. I _need_ to stay here, and I'm not going to let my parents take yet another thing away from me. Just let them go home and drink themselves to death."

The older woman could hear the bitterness in Lexa's voice, but she could also hear the fear and desperation, and she wondered if she could simply give in to what this young girl wanted. She wanted so badly to turn in this video that Clarke supposedly had, to see justice served to these people, but she also didn't want to do anything that would make Lexa uncomfortable. Abby had a set of morals though and did not know if she could live with herself if she let these people escape. She also knew that Lexa did not need any more stress right now. Abby decided to concede, telling herself that it was only for the time being.

"Please," Lexa begged after a few moments of silence.

"Alright." Abby watched Lexa's shoulders slump in relief. "But if they ever come near you again…"

Lexa nodded in agreement. "I know."

The two of them sat in silence for a few more moments, and then Abby gently squeezed Lexa's knee before standing from the bed, knowing that the younger girl needed some time alone after the events of the day. She hoped that the brunette would recover quickly, but she knew that her daughter was going to have a rough couple of days ahead of her.

* * *

The rest of Family Visiting Day seemed to drag on for Clarke, the lighthearted mood from earlier completely gone. She still wanted to be with her mother, but she wanted to be with Lexa even more, and she wondered if it made her a bad person for feeling relieved when her mother finally left.

Hoping to spend some time alone with Lexa, Clarke pushed open the door to her room, only to find that Lexa was already lying in bed, curled into a ball and facing away from her. This became the first night in a long time that Lexa insisted that they sleep in separate beds, and Clarke hated the new development. She didn't think that she even could sleep after spending every night tangled up with her girlfriend, but she didn't argue, understanding exactly why Lexa might feel that she needed some space.

That night brought hours of tossing and turning, of gentle tears running down a blond girl's nose and spattering onto the pillowcase below, of longing for a body that was lying so close, but yet so far away. Blissful sleep finally enveloped Clarke at four in the morning, but she was woken three hours later by the sound of someone screaming. Clarke jumped out of bed in an instant, hurrying over to the thrashing girl in the other bed.

"Lexa," she said softly, gently shaking her roommate's shoulder. "Wake up, Lexa. It's just a dream."

"No, please stop!" Lexa hit Clarke in the face with a flailing limb, eyes still closed.

"Ow, Lexa," Clarke said, but she didn't dare try to restrain the brunette, knowing that would most likely only make things worse.

She began to shake Lexa harder, and green eyes flew open at the contact, settling onto Clarke's own with pure terror. "It's just me. Just Clarke."

"Clarke," Lexa breathed out in relief.

The blonde nodded, and before she knew it, Lexa was shaking, gasping for breath as she brought a hand up to claw at her throat. "Clarke, please," she choked out.

Clarke quickly sprang to action, grabbing a brown paper bag from the drawer of Lexa's vanity and handing it over to her. Grateful fingers immediately curled around it, and Lexa brought the bag up to her mouth, taking deep breaths into it. Clarke didn't hesitate to run her fingers through Lexa's long brown locks of hair, doing exactly what she had done the first time they had been through this, keeping blue eyes trained on green, like Anya had instructed.

Two sets of shoulders began to slump in relief as Lexa began to calm down, and Clarke knew what was coming next before she even saw it. A quiver of pink lips and tears springing into green eyes. Clarke instantly enveloped Lexa in her arms as the brunette's tears began to flow down her cheeks, rubbing soothing circles into her roommate's back while the poor girl shook like a leaf against her. Clarke clutched Lexa even tighter, wishing that she could shield the other girl from the horrors that she had faced, wishing that she could take Lexa's pain away from her and make it her own.

Clarke couldn't even begin to imagine what it must feel like to go through one of these brutal attacks, to have your throat close you off form the one thing that you needed the most, even if only for a few seconds. She hoped she never had to find out.

When Lexa's frantic sobs had finally turned to quiet sniffles, Clarke spoke softly in her ear. "Did you take your medication last night?"

"I did," Lexa insisted. "I promise."

This was the answer that Clarke had been fearing. She could help Lexa remember to take her medication, but she couldn't do anything to stop nightmares that had now become unpreventable. She felt a tear slide from her own eye at the new knowledge, and Lexa shifted slightly when it dropped into her brunette hair. Mentally scolding herself, the blonde refused to allow another one to fall, knowing that she needed to be strong for Lexa right now. The side of Lexa's face that was visible showed the huge bruise that was now marring her cheek, and Clarke couldn't help brushing her fingers lightly over it. Lexa softly kissed her neck in response, and Clarke placed a kiss over the bruise, imagining for a moment that her lips would be able to heal the mark, and with it, the memories of what had happened the previous day.

After several long minutes, Lexa pushed herself out of Clarke's arms and stood up. Cool air hit the now-vacant spot against Clarke's chest, and she had to stop herself from reaching out to pull Lexa right back down into her lap. She knew it was silly, but she wanted to hold Lexa for the rest of the day. For the rest of their lives.

Instead of voicing these desires allowed, Clarke simply watched as Lexa walked over to her wardrobe. "Are you okay now?"

"I am ready to go to school now, if that's what you're asking." Lexa avoided the question, and that told Clarke all that she needed to know.

Clarke's lips turned down in a frown. "No breakfast?"

"Not today." Lexa tried for a small smile, but it came out as more of a grimace. "I'm not feeling very hungry after that."

"Okay," Clarke simply said, not wanting to push any further. "I guess I'll see you at lunch then."

"Yeah."

Her voice sounded empty, only an echo of the sound that Clarke had come to know so well.

* * *

Clarke did not see Lexa at lunch. She waited and waited in their spot under the bleachers, but the brunette never arrived. She briefly wondered where Lexa might be having lunch today, but she knew that it didn't matter. If Lexa needed time to herself right now, that was perfectly understandable after what had happened. Still, Clarke couldn't help but miss her.

She saw Lexa everywhere she looked. Holding her hand as they ate their lunches. Combing blond hair back with gentle fingers. Wearing the biggest grin that Clarke had ever seen as she pulled the blonde out onto the field to lie beside her in the grass. Everywhere she looked, Lexa was smiling back at her, but every time she closed her eyes, she saw Lexa's hollow look from this morning, all of the life sapped out of her.

More than anything else, Clarke wished that there was some way that she could help Lexa be okay again. The brunette had been doing so well before Family Visiting Day, and Clarke wished that she could go back in time and prevent Lexa from ever going back to the house alone. She knew that she couldn't have possibly known that Lexa's actual parents were going to show up, but she should have been more careful on that one day. She should never have let Lexa out of her sight. She didn't know if she could ever forgive herself for it.

Classes dragged by, and Clarke did not think that the teachers had ever talked about subject material that was so boring. She knew though that it was only boring in comparison with what was going on with Lexa right now, and the blonde wanted nothing more than to reach the freeing sound of that last bell. When the dings sprinkled from the speaker, Clarke leapt from her seat and rushed back to the house as if she were being chased by a stampede of wildebeests.

She flung open the door, but Lexa wasn't there, and the brunette never showed up, even after an hour had gone by. Clarke alternated between doing her homework and pacing the room, worried about her girlfriend. She knew that she would most likely find Lexa upstairs in the attic, but she didn't dare disturb the other girl. Lexa more than deserved a day to herself if she needed it, and Clarke knew that she had to give that to her, even if she didn't like it.

One day turned into one week.

Every day, Clarke waited beneath the bleachers, to no avail, and every afternoon, Clarke waited in her room to see Lexa. It never happened. The brunette seemed to have found a new lunch area, which Clarke was not aware of, and she stayed out every night until she was sure that Clarke had fallen asleep. She never showed up to dinner.

At the end of the week of waiting, Clarke eventually decided to go up to the attic to talk to her girlfriend once and for all. She could feel the anxiety buzzing within her as she walked up the stairs, completely unsure as to how Lexa would respond. She pushed open the door, planning to beg Lexa to come back to the room with her, but she found no one inside. Dying sunlight filtered through the small window, illuminating the dust particles that were suspended in the air. It seemed that the dust was Clarke's only company tonight. When her gaze fell upon the table that she and Lexa had accidentally knocked into on their first night up here, she had to look away, suddenly wanting to get out of there as fast as she could. She knew that there was only one place left to look, so she walked quickly down the hallway and knocked on Anya's door.

"Hey, what's going on?" Anya asked upon answering.

"Have you seen Lexa?" Clarke jumped right to the chase.

"No," Anya said slowly. "She hasn't been in her room?"

"I thought she was in the attic," Clarke said, "but she's not."

"She's taking this really hard, isn't she?" Anya gave the blonde a sympathetic frown. "I know it hurts right now, Clarke, but I promise you that Lexa will come around soon, especially now that her mom and stepdad are finally out of her life for good."

"Yeah." Clarke nodded. "You're right."

She went back to her room that night with higher spirits, but it didn't get any better. The only contact that the blonde had with Lexa was when the brunette would wake up from a nightmare in a cold sweat, as she did every morning now, and Clarke would help her get her breathing under control. A few mornings later, after Lexa had calmed down, Clarke asked, "Can we talk? Like really talk."

"I can't, Clarke," was Lexa's response. "I just need a little bit more time."

One week turned into one month.

Slowly but surely, Clarke stopped trying. She stopped waiting under the bleachers every day, instead going back to sit in the courtyard with her friends. It felt even lonelier with people around her than it did while she waited by herself. She stopped looking for her roommate after school, finally accepting the fact that the brunette simply did not wish to be found. Clarke couldn't help but remember a time, what felt like so long ago, when Lexa had gone under the bleachers to hide when she was upset, a time when she had wanted nothing more than to be found. But that was a different time and a different Lexa.

She continued to be there for Lexa each morning, taking solace in the one moment throughout the day that Lexa allowed herself to be held, allowed Clarke to kiss her, even if it was only on the cheek. Clarke didn't try to talk anymore though, knowing that her girlfriend wouldn't talk before she was ready If she could even still call Lexa her girlfriend anymore. She wasn't sure what she was to the brunette these days, but she _was_ sure that she didn't want to find out.

Anya did prove to be right though. Lexa came around in time, but she never came around with Clarke. The blonde was left to watch from a distance as Lexa started opening up to everyone again, seemingly getting better on her own this time. Clarke hated to admit it, but she thought that Lexa might be even happier now than the blonde had ever seen her.

She began talking to Anya and Emori again first, and the three of them walked around the school like Clarke imagined they might have before Costia had died. The bright smiles that often painted the three girls' faces hurt Clarke in a way that she couldn't describe. It hurt even more when Clarke went downstairs to see Lexa going out for ice cream with Octavia and Raven. She didn't know where they had found her roommate, but the fact that the other girl would rather hang out with Clarke's friends than the blonde herself made tears form in Clarke's eyes. She ran back up the stairs so that no one could see, burying her face into her pillow before allowing them to fall.

Clarke waited as Lexa began talking to everyone again, hoping that she would be next, but she wasn't. Clarke hadn't talked to Lexa in a month now, apart from in her nightmare-induced haze. Everywhere she went, green eyes avoided a blue gaze, and Clarke began to feel like Lexa was pretending that she no longer existed. She wished she could pretend the same about the brunette. She wished that she could forget about Lexa as easily as the other girl seemed to forget about her.

Hurt exploded through Clarke's chest every moment of every day, and she now felt like she was the one being beaten mercilessly, over and over again. She couldn't even look at Lexa anymore without tears springing up in her eyes. While Lexa was getting better, Clarke was getting worse. She was drawing further and further into herself, and suddenly it felt like she was the one who was pushing everyone away. She tried to be happy for her friends' sakes, but she missed Lexa too much to even try. She had gotten used to spending basically all of her time with her roommate, and she honestly hadn't even thought about what it might be like to lose the brunette that she had come to love so much. It was hard for her to talk to anyone these days because all that she could think of were the ways in which they were not Lexa, in which Lexa was better, and that only made her more miserable.

She didn't miss the worried looks that Octavia and Lincoln gave her, nor the concerned looks that Bellamy and Raven shared over her head when they thought that she couldn't see. She knew that she was upsetting her friends, but she was starting to care less and less. A permanent lump had risen up in Clarke's throat, making it hard to swallow and hard to eat at all times, even when she had previously thought herself to be hungry. Even worse than that was the burning ache that had taken up residence in her chest, like a giant hole had opened up there. Everything found a way to remind Clarke of Lexa, and she felt like she was crying more often than not. Lexa was right there, right in front of her, every day at school, and yet, Clarke felt like she had already lost her girlfriend in the same way that she had lost her father. Clarke knew that the empty girl was gone and that the girl she loved was back, so she wondered why it was that Lexa couldn't stand the sight of her. She wondered what she had done wrong.

* * *

Lexa bolted upright in bed, trying to fight her way out of her stepfather's grasp. She hit and kicked at him, in the hopes that he would fall away, but he kept a firm grip on her shoulder. She did not give up though. She was not leaving this school, and she didn't care if she had to kill him to get him to see that. She fleetingly wondered why the room had suddenly gone dark before his fingers began closing around her throat. She was about to scream in the hopes that someone, anyone, would hear her when a voice reached her ears that clearly did not belong to her stepfather.

"Calm down, Lexa. It's just me."

"Clarke." Lexa focused on Clarke's comforting blue eyes. She was here in her room with Clarke, and her stepdad was never coming back. She was never going to see him again.

Terror bubbled up inside of her at the familiar feeling of her throat closing up. Her eyes widened as she began gasping for breath, fixing her panicked green eyes on Clarke. Even though she was going through this every morning now, that didn't make it any less scary for her. Every time that she felt her throat close up, she was scared to death that this would be the time that it wouldn't open up again, leaving her to suffocate to death.

Lexa tried desperately to pull air into her lungs to no avail, and she readily accepted the bag that Clarke held out to her. Putting it to her mouth, she felt air enter her lungs again, and she took deep gulps of it, as if it were the sweetest thing that she had ever tasted before in her life. Calming blue eyes grounded her as they never broke from hers, and Lexa practically purred when Clarke began stroking her hair, leaning into the feeling and never wanting it to stop.

Once Lexa had finally gotten her breathing under control, she put the bag aside, and the familiar pinpricks of tears rose to her eyes. She let them fall with a choked sob, and Clarke immediately pulled Lexa into her arms, rubbing her back with one hand while keeping the other in her hair. Lexa buried her face in Clarke's neck as she let out all of her sorrows and frustrations before the day began. She knew that Clarke probably thought her pathetic for crying after every single nightmare, but it was such a frightening ordeal for her. Lexa suspected though that her tears also had to do with the simple fact that she wanted to be held by Clarke. It was way harder than she let on to avoid the blonde during the day. In fact, it was probably the hardest thing that she had ever done.

Every day, she walked around in a searing pain, feeling as if her heart had fallen right out of her chest, and a gaping chasm had taken its place, a chasm that sucked all of the energy right out of her. She had to allow herself this one moment of weakness every morning, needed to sink into Clarke's warmth so that she could feel some semblance of the home that she used to have there. She knew that it wasn't fair to Clarke, that it probably gave her some sort of false hope that their relationship might someday rekindle itself, but she couldn't help it.

Once Lexa's tears had finally stopped, Clarke pressed a gentle kiss to the place where Lexa's bruise had once been, even though it had long since faded. This was something that she had taken to doing every morning, and while Lexa didn't understand it, she loved it. Then, the moment was over, and Clarke released her hold on Lexa, dumping her unceremoniously onto the ground and drifting out of the room without a word to join the others downstairs as breakfast.

Lexa had to swallow back a fresh wave of tears as the door shut behind the blonde, pain blossoming up inside of her at the fact that Clarke wasn't fighting for their relationship anymore. She was simply letting her go. Lexa knew in her heart that she had pushed her roommate to this point, but that didn't make it any easier to accept. She knew that she would love Clarke until the day she died, but there was no way that she could continue to hold Clarke back. The blonde would come to thank her someday for what she was doing, even if it only seemed to be hurting both of them now.

She couldn't allow Clarke to constantly have to worry about her and take care of her. The blonde deserved to live her own life with a normal boy or girl who could love her right. Lexa knew that her stepdad was right about one thing. She was worthless, and there was no way that Clarke deserved to spend the rest of her life with someone as damaged and screwed-up as Lexa knew herself to be. Lexa wished that she could have talked this over with Clarke, but she knew that there was no way that the blonde would willingly give her up, especially after what had happened. So Lexa took it upon herself to avoid her roommate at all costs, living only on the mantra that she was doing the right thing.

* * *

That afternoon, after eating a quick lunch, Lexa met up with Jasper and Monty outside of the literature classroom. The brunette was relieved to have someone to spend time with during lunch today rather than having to spend the full period by herself. She had been trying to surround herself with other people as much as she could lately because she couldn't bear being alone with her thoughts anymore.

Lexa actually felt excitement coursing through her veins today because she, Jasper, and Monty had the prank of the century planned. Yesterday, Mrs. Tawney had given the three of them detention for talking during class, and they were intent on making sure that she paid for what she had done. Lexa found that the idea of pulling a prank again, after over a year, helped to keep her mind off of Clarke.

"You guys got everything?" Lexa asked upon arrival.

Jasper held up a slice of chocolate cake and Monty a superglue gun like weapons that they were proudly brandishing on their way to a war. Lexa held up the green water balloon that was in her own hand, as if she were a child who had gotten hold of something that she wasn't supposed to have. "Then, let's do this."

The three of them entered the unoccupied classroom and immediately got to work, knowing that they had less than ten minutes left to get everything ready. Lexa did not think that they would need half that time as she headed immediately for Mrs. Tawney's desk chair, meticulously placing her water balloon right in the center. She did not want it to roll off should the chair be moved. While she did this, Monty carefully squirted super glue to the bottom of the computer mouse before firmly pressing it down against the desk. Jasper stood over by the podium, breaking up his cake into four pieces and smearing it across several different pages throughout the teacher's textbook. Lexa and Monty watched as he slammed it shut with a triumphant grin. The brunette girl looked up at the clock. Only three minutes had gone by since she had met up with them. They were doing perfect.

Lexa felt herself lightening up significantly from her dreary mood of this morning, and laughter poured past her lips as she surveyed the room and thought about what they had done. "This is going to be hilarious."

"I can't wait to see the look on her face." Jasper chuckled with a huge grin. "Serves her right for giving us all detention."

"It'll be even better when we can't possibly take the fall for it." Monty raised the glue gun that was still in his hand. "Time for the second part of our plan."

The three of them waited until the hallway was clear before emerging from the classroom and hurrying off down the hall. After turning the corner, Lexa stopped in front of a locker on the right side of the hall, expertly entering the combination and pulling the lock away. This particular locker belonged to Ontari, a girl from Azgeda House who thought that she was the coolest girl in the school. She had taken on a sort of bad reputation though lately, as she had become the sole scapegoat for Jasper and Monty when they played their pranks. After school yesterday, Lexa had been tasked with finding out the combination to her locker, and she did so easily, Ontari not even aware that she was being watched.

Monty slid the glue gun into the backpack that hung inside, and Jasper smeared some of the cake that still covered his fingers near the zipper, making it look as if Ontari had accidentally smudged it while zipping it shut. They arranged the backpack on its hook exactly how they had found it before shutting the locker door right as the bell rang, signifying that lunch was over.

"We made it!" Lexa exclaimed with glee-filled eyes. "Nice work, guys."

She held out her hand for Monty to high-five, and he looked as happy as her when he slapped his hand against hers. She then turned to Jasper who looked at his own hands with an apologetic look. "I should probably go get my hands washed up before class."

Lexa and Monty both nodded to him, and he darted off down the hallway, ducking into the men's room before anyone could see his hands.

"Come on." Monty grabbed Lexa's arm and began tugging her down the hallway. "Let's get away from Ontari's locker."

"This is gonna be epic," Lexa said with an impish grin.

"It's great to have you back, Lexa," Monty said sincerely. "Don't get me wrong, I love pulling pranks with Jasper, but you always did have better ideas than the two of us could ever come up with."

Lexa nodded gratefully at his words, smiling a little wider, and she felt like another one of her broken pieces had snapped back into place. She almost felt completely whole again. She tried her best not to think of the one piece that was still missing.

* * *

Jasper slid into his seat beside Monty, and Lexa and the two boys tried to look as inconspicuous as possible as Mrs. Tawney walked into the classroom. Each of them were so good that they didn't even crack a smile, wearing the same bored expressions of the students around them. Jasper and Monty were so used to this that it was not possible for them to slip up anymore, like they might have done when they were just starting out with their pranks. And Lexa…well, Lexa might as well be a professional actress by this point, finding it easy to push down her excitement and amusement into the half-asleep expression that she wore on most normal days.

"Alright, everyone, let's open our books to that short story that I asked you to read for today. I'm assuming that everyone has read it." The teacher stopped in front of the podium and opened up her own textbook, gasping when she saw the mess that was inside.

She turned an annoyed gaze onto the class. "Who is responsible for this?"

"Well?" She glared out at the class when no one responded, holding the book up so that they could see. "Vandalization of school property will not be tolerated. You know the rules." Still no one broke the silence, and Mrs. Tawney threw the book down onto the podium with a huff. "Okay, smart asses, I'll just pull the story up on the projector then."

Lexa smiled internally as Mrs. Tawney did exactly what she and her friends wanted her to do, pulling out the desk chair and plopping down without even noticing the water balloon. Until it splattered all over her tan slacks. It was hard not to snicker when she sprang up in surprise, turning a slightly shocked gaze out over the class. "Who is doing this?"

After a few moments of silence, Mrs. Tawney's eyes got a harsh glint to them. "Whoever is doing this better fess up now."

No one did, of course, because no one knew anything about what was happening, save for the three pranksters, except that they themselves did not have any part in it. Lexa could tell by the fearful looks on some of their faces that they were silently hoping that whoever did it would be caught.

Upon receiving no response for several more seconds, Mrs. Tawney growled in annoyance and sat down in her desk chair. She turned on the computer and the overhead projector, and then she tried to move the mouse, to no avail, of course, for it was superglued to the desk. The teacher gritted her teeth, and Lexa could see that she was practically fuming as she came around to stand in front of her desk, her face twisted with outrage.

"Who is trying to mess with today's lesson?" she asked for the third time. "I suggest you come forward now before I am forced to give the entire class a detention."

All of the students were scared into silence, and Lexa gave it a good five seconds before she gasped aloud, drawing her teacher's attention right to her. "What is it, Ms. Woods?"

Lexa pointed to Ontari's backpack, raising her voice in fake shock. "Ontari has chocolate on her bag."

"Is that so, Ms. Snow?" Mrs. Tawney walked down the aisle and plucked the bag off the ground to get a better look.

"That doesn't prove anything," Ontari argued with a hostile glint in her eyes. "Who even knows how long that's been there?"

The Azgeda girl's protests fell upon deaf ears, and Mrs. Tawney gave a hum of conviction when she opened the bag and peered inside. "Then, how do you explain this?" She held up the glue gun for the girl to see.

Ontari's eyes widened. "I don't know how that got there. It's not even mine."

"Right. To the principal's office, Ms. Snow. No arguments. I suppose you'll be getting a suspension for this."

Ontari looked up helplessly before sighing in defeat as she got up to walk out of the classroom. She turned back at the door to glare at Lexa and her friends, letting them know that she knew exactly what they had done, and then she was gone. Lexa was quite satisfied, knowing that even if Ontari tried to pin the blame on them, the principal would never believe her. Lexa turned an expressionless gaze back to the front of the room as Mrs. Tawney tried to give the day's lesson as best as she could.

When the bell rang, Jasper, Monty, and Lexa sprang out of their seats, waiting until they had walked a few paces from the classroom before bursting into laughter. After having to wait around forty minutes, the event seemed even funnier to them now than it had at the time, and they clung to one another to keep from falling over as their raucous laughter surged through their bodies.

"That look on Ontari's face when she left the classroom," Jasper got out through his laughter. "Pinning the blame on her gets better and better every time."

"And the look on Mrs. Tawney's face when she first opened that textbook." Lexa clutched at her sides. "She was speechless."

"Don't forget the water balloon," Monty added. "She had to give the lesson looking like she'd peed her pants."

"That's what happens when you give us detention." Lexa held her chin up.

"You think we got her back then?" Jasper asked.

"Oh, definitely." Lexa nodded. "And we got Ontari as a bonus."

Another fit of laughter rippled through the three of them, and Lexa felt truly happy. Happier than she remembered feeling for quite some time now. She knew that she had Jasper and Monty to thank for that, and she was glad that their prank had gone off without a hitch, providing her with a satisfying rush and just the right amount of humor. She had missed joining in on their pranks, and she couldn't help but wish that Mr. Kane hadn't banned them from pranking the members of their own house. She would love to pull a prank on Anya and Emori sometime, if she could.

Lexa's grin stretched from ear to ear, and she couldn't remember the last time that she had smiled this wide. As fate would have it, when she lifted her head up, she was met with a pair of sorrow-filled blue eyes gazing at her from the other end of the hall. Her smile instantly fell away, leaving no trace behind that it had ever even been there at all.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, the last chapter got quite a reaction out of you guys. There was a lot of emotion in the comments (and a lot of comments lol. I appreciated every one of them), and I'm sure you're all anxious to know what happens next. I'd like to give a special thanks to user sparrow2100, who gave me the idea for the latter half of this chapter! I can honestly say that the chapter wouldn't have worked half as well without it. Enjoy! :)

Clarke watched as Lexa's smile dropped away. Seeing Lexa smiling and laughing with Jasper and Monty put Clarke in a dismal mood, but she couldn't help but perk up a little when she thought she detected a hint of pain in green eyes. For a moment, she allowed herself to hope that Lexa might finally approach her, but obviously that was nothing more than a fantasy. A split second later, the brunette was following after the boys again, and Clarke huffed in anger, wishing that her roommate wouldn't be so stubborn.

Clarke had never seen Lexa hang out with Jasper and Monty much, although she had been informed that they had been closer freshman year, and it seemed to the blonde that Lexa was spending time with anyone that she possibly could in order to avoid Clarke. At first, she had thought that Lexa was just upset over what had happened with her stepfather, but this was something else. It almost seemed to Clarke as if she had done something to upset Lexa, but if she had, she couldn't think of what it possibly could have been. If Lexa wanted to break up with her so badly, then Clarke wished that her roommate would get the guts to say so. She was honestly getting sick and tired of being treated this way.

"Clarke, are you okay?" The blonde was startled out of her thoughts by a voice from somewhere to her left, and she turned her head to see Raven walking towards her with a concerned look. Reaching up to wipe at her eyes, Clarke found that she had begun to cry without even realizing it. She supposed that she could wipe her eyes and try to pretend that she had never been crying at all, but she honestly didn't even care anymore. Shaking her head in her friend's direction, she let her sobs loose right there in the middle of the hallway. Raven was quick to pull her crying friend into her arms, rubbing her back comfortingly. "What happened?"

"Lexa," Clarke choked out, knowing that was all that needed to be said.

"I take it things haven't gotten any better with you two, then," Raven stated.

"Of course not. She hasn't talked to me in a month, and I don't think things will ever get better between us again. Not if she keeps fucking refusing to talk to me about what it is I've done to offend her. She's acting like a child, and I hate her." Clarke began to sob harder, repeating her words with more conviction. "I hate her, Raven. I hate her."

"I know," Raven said soothingly. "I know that you think you hate her, but you don't."

"I do," Clarke argued immediately. "I do hate her! And I never want to see her again."

"I know for a fact that that's not true," Raven said softly. "You're just angry at her right now. I mean, you have a right to be, but I know that you could never hate her."

Clarke wanted to argue, but she knew that her friend was right. As much as she thought that she hated Lexa, she knew that no matter what the brunette did, she would never, ever hate her. Worse than that, she loved the awful girl, loved her with all of her heart, and she wished more than anything that there was some way that she could get herself to stop.

"You're right," Clarke admitted, tears slowing as her anger seemed to leave her as quickly as it had come. "I don't hate her, but that doesn't mean that I'm not furious with her. I want to smack her right across her stupid face, but I can't because I still love her, and I wish that I could stop."

"You will," Raven said. "If the two of you aren't meant to be together, then you will stop loving her in time, and if you are, you'll find your way back to each other."

"Do you think we're meant to be?" Clarke knew that it was a pointless question, but she asked it anyway.

Raven paused for a moment, seeming to contemplate the question before she gave her answer in one word. "Yes."

"Really?" Clarke looked at her friend with hopeful blue eyes.

"Yes," Raven repeated. "I think that Lexa's just really confused right now and maybe still a little upset about what happened to her, but I do think that she will come to realize how much she still loves you and how much you want her to come back to you. You just have to keep trying to get through to her."

Clarke nodded in response, although she wondered if Raven was only saying this because she knew that it was what Clarke wanted to hear. Regardless, Clarke kept this information with her throughout the rest of the day. She wondered why it was that she let people's reassurances get her hopes up like this, and she supposed that it was because she wasn't ready to give up. She didn't know if she ever would be.

When she got back to her room that afternoon, she went back to pacing, like she had done when Lexa had very first started avoiding her. She wondered what she might be able to say to Lexa to stir up any lingering feelings that the brunette might still have for her. She knew that the answer was nothing. If she even tried to say anything at all to Lexa, the brunette would cut her off before she could even get two words in. She tried to come up with some grand gesture that she could make to get Lexa back, but she knew that she was wasting her time. The brunette seemed to be revolted by the mere sight of Clarke, and the blonde couldn't do much more than accept the inevitable.

Lexa wasn't coming back to her.

Clarke hated the thought the minute that it went through her head, but she knew that it was quite possibly true. Lexa hadn't spoken to Clarke in a month. How could Clarke possibly think that Lexa would suddenly start now? She felt anger course through her at the thought of how petty and childish Lexa had been acting lately. She didn't know why the hell she was even trying to think of ways to get Lexa back in the first place when it had become so clear that the brunette didn't deserve her. Clarke helped Lexa get through her nightmares every single morning, and this was the way that the other girl repaid her? She was honestly tempted to leave Lexa to suffocate and see how much she wanted to avoid Clarke then. She knew that she could never go through with it though. She was not cruel, like Lexa appeared to be.

The blonde threw herself onto the bed, in a mixture of sorrow and fury, feeling like she wanted to cry her eyes out, but no tears came. She thought bitterly that she must be out of tears. She had come to take comfort in the tiny trails of water that coated her face these days, and she growled in frustration. If she could not have real tears, she supposed that she would have to make do with drawing them, so she reached into her nightstand to get her sketchbook and pencil. Flipping through the pages, Clarke's eyes caught on a drawing that she had almost forgotten about. The drawing of a smiling Lexa. She had drawn this the last time that Lexa had been avoiding her, and she longed for the comparative ease of that time. At least she had known then what Lexa was upset over. She had seen many smiles since the one that she had drawn, much wider ones, but she still loved the smile on the page the most. She tried not to cry at the thought that she would probably never see it again.

Right as she was about to put the sketchbook away, no longer feeling like drawing, she froze. The drawing in front of her had been a complete outpour of her feelings the last time that she had been upset, and it might be the perfect thing to show Lexa that she still loved her. It might just remind Lexa of her own feelings as well. The blonde thought about waiting for Lexa to return from school, but she knew that the brunette would never enter their shared room if she thought Clarke to be in it, so she resolved to leave the drawing for Lexa to find.

Looking over it one more time, Clarke felt the heat rush to her cheeks at the thought of Lexa seeing it. The drawing portrayed a perfect image of Lexa, and the blonde found it a little embarrassing that she had so easily drawn it from memory, without Lexa even present. What was even more embarrassing was the fact that she had written "my favorite smile" in the bottom right corner surrounded by a few hearts, and she came very close to erasing it, sure that she would die of mortification if Lexa were ever to see it. However, she knew that the best way to gauge if Lexa still had any sort of feelings for her would be to leave the drawing as is.

Clarke carefully tore the drawing from the book and placed it down onto her bed before she had time to find any more things about it that bothered her, and then she left the room. She could only hope that this might be the thing that would get through to her roommate as she walked to the one place where she knew Lexa would always be able to find her.

* * *

When Lexa finally got back from serving her ridiculous detention, she noticed that the door to her room was ajar, and she wondered if it was possible that Clarke hadn't returned from school yet. She knew that Clarke could be trying to trick her into going in so that they could talk, but Lexa decided to risk it, wandering into the room. She sighed in relief when she saw that it was empty, sinking down onto her bed to relax after an hour of being forced to literally do nothing. Even though she was glad to have the time to herself, she still couldn't help but feel a twinge of disappointment that the room was empty. Even though she wasn't speaking to Clarke right now, the blonde's presence still comforted her.

Lexa was about to close her eyes and take a short nap before Clarke returned when she caught sight of a piece of paper lying on top of the blonde's bed. She knew that it could be nothing more than a worksheet that Clarke had to do for homework, but she found herself curious, knowing that it had not been there when her roommate had left that morning. This meant that Clarke had to have come back to the room after school, and Lexa found it quite strange that she wasn't there now. A wave of nausea hit her when she thought that it might be a note stating that their relationship was officially over. Wasn't that exactly what she wanted though? Of course not, but she knew that it was something Clarke would eventually want, if she didn't already.

Her curiosity won out, and she wandered over and pulled the paper into her hands, only to find that it was a drawing of her. She was smiling brightly on the page, the kind of smile that was wide, but where her teeth only just peeked out from under her lips. Her eyes were so happy and full of life that Lexa almost didn't recognize herself. Was this really how Clarke saw her? Well, had seen her.

Whenever she looked in the mirror, Lexa saw only sorrow and pain reflected back at her, and she wondered how Clarke could possibly see someone who looked so alive and carefree. She wondered if maybe this was how she had looked when she was with the blonde, but it had honestly been to long for her to even remember. She was starting to realize though that maybe Clarke didn't see her in the way she saw herself. She didn't see her as a burden or weak or even worthless. Clarke clearly saw her as one of the most beautiful things in her world, and Lexa was beginning to think that she might have made a colossal mistake.

Her eyes flitted down to the words at the bottom of the page, and suddenly, tears were flowing down her face. The fact that this was Clarke's favorite smile tore Lexa apart inside. This wasn't the smile that she gave when she was happy or ecstatic about something. It was the smile that she gave when she was hurting, but something had caused her to forget her pain. Clarke didn't care that she wasn't always easy to be around; she simply enjoyed being able to ease the brunette's pain. Lexa had thought that Clarke would finally get tired of having to deal with her and break up with her, but now she wasn't so sure. Now, she was coming to realize that perhaps she had made a decision for her roommate that wasn't hers to make, something that the blonde would have never chosen in a million years, and she could only hope that she hadn't fucked everything up beyond repair.

Lexa knew that her roommate hadn't left this drawing out by accident, that she had wanted Lexa to see it, and the brunette wondered if Clarke had meant it as a sort of goodbye gift, something that meant their relationship was finally over. Lexa swallowed thickly, closing her eyes in the hopes that she could shut out everything that had happened in the past month, erase it all and start again. She knew that the only thing that she could do now was find Clarke and apologize. She hoped that she would not be too late.

Carefully placing the drawing down on her nightstand, Lexa swapped it for another item and then hurried out the door. She stopped in the hallway when she realized that she had no idea where she was going. She had no idea where Clarke even was. She supposed that she had better start searching though if she wanted to find the missing girl, so she decided to start with the room across the hall.

Octavia answered the door when Lexa knocked on it, crossing her arms. "Oh, it's you. What do you want, Lexa? If you're going to ask me to hang out, don't bother. I've already told you that I don't want to hang out with you anymore if you're going to continue to be cruel to Clarke."

"I know, Octavia. You have every right to be mad at me. I thought I was doing the right thing, and now I know that I wasn't, and I'm really sorry, and I just need to talk to Clarke for a moment," Lexa rambled, her words all running together in her desperation to speak to her girlfriend.

Octavia rolled her eyes at Lexa. "Then why don't you go and talk to her, instead of standing here chatting my ear off?"

Lexa blinked in confusion. "She's not here?"

"No. I haven't seen her since school." Octavia took a deep breath before slightly dropping the attitude that she had had since Lexa showed up at the door. "Listen, Lexa, I get that you were upset and everything, but you could have at least talked to Clarke about it. She wanted you to."

Lexa felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes again at the reminder of how badly she had messed up. "I know. It's probably too late, and things are probably over between us, but I just want to let her know how sorry I am."

"Then, it looks like it's up to you to find her," Octavia said. "Maybe she's testing you. If you can find her, that means that you still care about her, and if you can't, well…you know. She must be somewhere that she mentioned to you before or that was special maybe, and if you remember it, that shows you care?"

Lexa nodded to Octavia, grateful that the other girl was trying to help. If Clarke wanted Lexa to find her, where would she hide? Lexa's eyes widened when she realized exactly where Clarke was hiding, exactly the memory that she wanted Lexa to recall. Octavia had been saying something else, but Lexa sprinted around the corner and down the hall, forgetting everything else as she raced up the stairs, skipping every other one. She knew that this was where Clarke would be waiting if the blond girl wanted to be found. She also knew that if Clarke wasn't there, their relationship was definitely over.

Lexa pushed open the door, and she almost started speaking immediately, that's how sure she was that Clarke would be up there. Her face completely crumpled when she realized that the room was empty. She collapsed to the floor, unable to hold her own weight anymore as sobs tore through her body, tore through her heart and flesh and spattered the room with her blood. She curled into herself as she cried, distraught at the confirmation that she had been too late in her realization. Clarke didn't want her anymore. The blonde hadn't even wanted a drawing of her, a drawing that had previously been one of her favorites, and Lexa couldn't stomach the fact that Clarke might not be able to stand the sight of her anymore.

All of her energy flowed out of her, and she felt as if she wouldn't be able to move a muscle, even if she tried. Or maybe she just didn't want to. She wanted to lie in one place for the rest of her life, her desire to pretend that she was fine now gone. She watched the tears drip from the ridge of her nose onto the floor for quite some time before finally deciding that she could no longer bear to be up in the attic. This had been her and Costia's special place, as well as the place where she had first gotten together with Clarke, and she didn't need any more reminders of the love that she had lost. She tried not to think about how it was her fault that she had lost it this time.

Pawing at her eyes to dry them, Lexa dragged her sorry self off of the ground. Right before she turned to leave though, her eyes settled onto an item that had been left on the end table that Clarke had rolled her into months ago. Clarke's sketchbook balanced on the edge of it, and Lexa's heart filled with hope. The blonde had been there, after all.

She stepped closer to the table, picking the sketchbook up in her arms. First, Clarke had left the drawing and now the entire sketchbook, and Lexa knew that this must contain some sort of clue as to where the blonde was hiding. Maybe Octavia was right, and Clarke was testing her. If she truly cared about Clarke, she would be able to decipher the clue. She felt confident again as she flipped to the last filled page in the book.

Her face fell when she saw that there was no clue as to where Clarke had gone next. A sketch of a sleeping Lexa looked out at the brunette from the page, and she wondered why Clarke had chosen that image. She almost whimpered aloud when she thought that it might be because that was the only way that Clarke really saw her anymore. She couldn't help but notice that there were jagged lines drawn through the picture, like scars marring Lexa's peaceful features, as if Clarke hadn't liked the way the drawing turned out. Lexa knew though that it stemmed more from the fact that she didn't like the subject matter of her drawing. The drawing itself was perfect.

Lexa closed her eyes, not wanting to look at the drawing anymore, and she felt as if she wanted to dig her hands into the skin of her face and tear until her scars matched the unintentional ones in the picture. She deserved that, and so much more. Clarke had clearly lost her patience when Lexa had taken too long to show up, and now she was gone.

Tears escaped from green eyes again at the fact that Clarke hadn't known about Lexa's detention, probably thinking that the brunette had found the drawing and thrown it away, not even bothering to come looking for her. Lexa felt absolutely miserable, and she wished that her stepfather was there to beat her senseless. If there was ever a time that she actually deserved to be beaten, she knew that it was now. She much preferred the physical pain of bones snapping to the immense heartache that was tearing her insides apart right now.

Putting the sketchbook aside, Lexa racked her brain to try and think of where the blonde might have gone from here. She briefly thought of under the bleachers at school, but she quickly threw that aside, knowing that Clarke most likely did not wish to be found anymore. Lexa knew that her roommate had probably gone somewhere that Lexa was not familiar with, but the brunette knew that that could be anywhere. She didn't have a car, and the farthest that she had ever walked from here was to the movie theater that was two blocks over. She knew that she had been going to school here for almost two and a half years now, but she had not paid much attention to all of the attractions of the city, and she did not have enough time to search through each and every one.

Lexa took a deep breath and closed her eyes, trying for a moment to put herself in Clarke's shoes. If Clarke had been the one avoiding her, where would she have gone? That was easy. She would have gone out into the forest behind the campus. She liked to climb up into the trees and read a book or take a nap when she was upset. She knew that it was dangerous to nap in trees, so she always brought a rope with her to tie herself to the trunk. She had no idea where Clarke would go if she were upset though, so she decided to try a different tactic. If Clarke had been avoiding her, she would most likely start pushing everyone away again, much like she had been doing at the beginning of the year. That was her coping mechanism when she was extremely upset, and she knew that Clarke's was…Her eyes widened when she realized exactly where Clarke had gone. Or at least, she now had a general idea. She sped off down the hall, knocking on the door across from hers for the second time that day.

Octavia huffed in annoyance when she saw who was back at the door. "Lexa, what the hell is going on?"

"I need to borrow your car," Lexa said immediately.

"What? Why?" Octavia looked slightly taken aback by the urgency in the other girl's voice.

"I think I know where Clarke is, and I want to go after her." Lexa was shifting from foot to foot, anxious to get on the road before something happened, adding to the growing list of terrible things that were all her fault.

"What's going on with Clarke?" Raven appeared in the doorway beside her roommate.

"Is there a bar near here?" Lexa asked, pretty much ignoring Raven's question.

Octavia shrugged, but Raven snapped her fingers. "Yes, I see it every time that we drive to the airport to fly home. I wanna say it's four or five blocks from here. I think it's called Larry's Tavern?"

"Thank you." Lexa dipped her head in gratitude before turning her full attention back to Octavia. "Can I please borrow your car? I know it's within walking distance, but I want to get there as quickly as I can."

Octavia looked slightly overwhelmed as she grabbed her car keys from the bookshelf by the door and tossed them to Lexa without hesitation. "You really think that she'd start drinking again over this? She talked about that time of her life as if she never wanted to go through anything like it ever again."

"It was her way of coping at one point though. I think that she's really upset right now and that relapsing isn't out of the question in this situation," Lexa explained, trying her best to remain calm.

Octavia nodded warily, looking unsure. "Okay. Let us know if you find her."

Lexa nodded to the two girls, both of whom were looking at Lexa like she was crazy. She knew that they didn't believe her, partly because they had never experienced anything really traumatic and partly because they clearly thought that Lexa might simply be off her rocker right now. Lexa ran off in the direction of the stairs, not bothering to try and convince them that she was right. She didn't want to worry Clarke's friends until she was sure that there was something to worry about.

* * *

When Lexa entered the tavern, her eyes almost immediately landed on Clarke, who was sitting at the bar. She looked to be okay, but she was drinking, as Lexa had feared, and she appeared to be very drunk by the way that she was wobbling in her stool, almost as if she was having a hard time keeping her balance. She also appeared to be flirting with the bartender, and Lexa tried not to think of how much that hurt her. Flirting wasn't cheating, and Lexa honestly didn't even know if they were together anymore. She was not going to cause a scene because she was hurt that Clarke might be interested in someone else. Instead, she walked over to the blonde and placed a hand on her arm to get her attention. "Hey, Clarke."

Malicious blue eyes turned to Lexa, and she was shocked by the ferocity in them. "You finally decided to show up, huh? Well, you're too late. I was just telling Niylah here what a complete bitch you are."

The bartender, Niylah, looked up at Lexa with an apologetic glance, letting the brunette know that she hadn't been flirting back. She probably only stayed to listen to Clarke because she didn't know how to handle the drunk blonde. Lexa tried not to let her girlfriend's words affect her, even though she knew that the blonde was right. "Come on, Clarke. Let's go home."

"I'm not going anywhere with you, Lexa," Clarke snarled. "I don't want anything to do with you anymore."

The words hit Lexa like a slap to the face, hurt rising in her chest at the realization that Clarke no longer cared for her. Still, it was Lexa's fault that Clarke was in this mess right now, and it was her job, if not as Clarke's girlfriend, then as her roommate, to make sure that she got home safely. "Please, Clarke, just come with me. I don't want to leave you here all by yourself. How much have you had to drink?"

"I don't know. Probably six or seven beers. Maybe eight," Clarke slurred.

Lexa's eyes widened, and she suddenly felt dizzy, wondering how on earth someone could drink so much beer so quickly. Clarke couldn't have been there for more than an hour. She must have been downing drink after drink, and suddenly, Lexa was a whole lot more worried than she had been only seconds ago. She didn't know much about alcohol, but she knew that drinking so much so quickly couldn't be good for you.

When Lexa didn't answer right away, Clarke pushed herself up from the barstool, seemingly headed for the other end of the bar to get away from Lexa. Almost immediately, she tripped over her own two feet and stumbled into Lexa, who quickly wrapped her arms around her roommate to steady her.

"Get off me," Clarke growled, pushing weakly against Lexa's chest.

"If I let go, you're just going to fall to the floor," Lexa argued. "I think I need to take you to the hospital. You've had way too much to drink."

"I said, get off me, you bitch. I hate you." Clarke elbowed Lexa in the ribs, causing her to gasp in pain, but she did not let up on her grip.

"Did you hear me, Lexa? I fucking hate you," Clarke said savagely. "Now, get your hands off me and leave."

Lexa tried hard to blink back her tears, but a few of them rolled down her cheeks anyway. She hated that they had gotten to this place, and it was all her fault. She had finally driven Clarke away, exactly like she had wanted, and she realized how stupid she'd been to ever want such a thing in the first place.

She knew that this was not the time or the place to fall apart, so she tried her best to pull herself together. "I am so sorry for the shitty way that I have been treating you, but I want to tell you that when you are sober. Right now, I really just want you to cooperate with me because we need to get out of here."

"Stay the fuck away from me!" Clarke yelled.

The blonde seemed to summon all of her remaining strength because she shoved Lexa roughly to the floor, where the brunette splayed out on her side, feeling the breath knocked right out of her. She breathed heavily, expecting her stepfather to appear, but he did not. It seemed that she was so worried about Clarke that she didn't even have a flashback, which surprised her. However, Clarke was looking at her with a cold, hard look that was very similar to one that her stepfather would wear, and she wondered if Clarke might be about to hit or kick her. She cowered away, but she knew that she deserved it, that she would not try to get away if Clarke attacked her. At the sight of Lexa cowering on the floor, the angry look in Clarke's eyes fell away, and she slowly sunk to the ground.

Lexa sat up from her place on the floor, rubbing her left arm, which had taken the brunt of the fall. Clarke's eyes were instantly drawn to the motion, tears welling up in them. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't," Lexa reassured her, pulling a soft blond head against her chest. "I'm fine. I'm the one that hurt you."

Clarke nodded against her roommate's sweater, and Lexa was beyond glad that the girl had finally calmed down. After a few moments, the blonde wiped her eyes and tried to stand up, but she didn't even make it into a sitting position before collapsing back into Lexa, clearly feeling dizzy.

"I think I'm a little drunk," Clarke hiccupped with a giggle.

Lexa might have found it endearing if she weren't so damn afraid. "I can help you stand, Clarke, if you'll allow me to."

"Okay," Clarke mumbled, letting Lexa pull her up from the ground.

The two of them staggered out of the place with some difficulty, Lexa supporting most of Clarke's weight, and the brunette found herself wishing that she had been able to find a closer parking space.

"We're not good for each other, are we?" Clarke murmured quietly, the sound almost lost to the rumble of engines on the street.

The question took Lexa by surprise. Her mind had been so dominated by the flurry of concern that was running through it for the girl who was leaning against her that she hadn't even stopped to think about something like that. She could see where Clarke was coming from, and she knew that her roommate was probably right, after the events of this week. She couldn't exactly bring herself to care right now though.

"I don't know, Clarke," Lexa answered honestly. "All I know is that I love you, and that's all that matters to me right now."

It pained Lexa more than she cared to admit when Clarke didn't say it back.

Once the two of them were finally in the car, Clarke curled into herself in the passenger seat, shivering with cold. Lexa started the engine and turned the heat up as far as it would go. She was instantly sweltering in the sweater that she was wearing, but she barely even noticed. Her only goal was to make sure that nothing happened to Clarke before they made it to the hospital.

After a few seconds on the road, Clarke began mumbling deliriously to herself, and Lexa pressed harder on the gas pedal. "I hate Lexa, do you know that? But I love her so much. I don't even remember why I hate her, but I think she was being an asshole lately…I can't remember what she was doing, but I don't think that I can ever forgive her for it."

Lexa felt like she was listening in on a private conversation between the blonde and her friends, but there was no way that she could block it out in the close proximity of the car. She thought about turning the radio up, but she did not want to irritate her roommate. Instead, she decided to respond to the girl's statement. "I'm sure that Lexa loves you, too. She feels like a fool for ever having treated you so badly."

"How the hell do you know?" Clarke was still shivering despite the burning temperature of the car.

Lexa didn't know how to respond, but it didn't seem to matter because Clarke forgot all about her question a few seconds later. She began muttering on about something else entirely. This was complete gibberish or maybe Lexa simply could not make it out. Even this stopped after a few minutes though, and Lexa looked worriedly at her roommate, who seemed to have fallen unconscious.

"Clarke?" Lexa called out, but there was no response. "Clarke, please wake up."

Panic rose inside of Lexa when Clarke didn't answer again, and she tried her best to push it away, needing to keep her head clear in order to focus on the road in front of her. She didn't know if the blonde was breathing or not, but she did know that if Clarke died tonight, it would be all her fault. For the first time in her life, Lexa ran a red light.

* * *

When Lexa arrived at the hospital, exactly four minutes later, she hopped out of the car and ran around it, flinging open the passenger side to reveal the unresponsive blonde. She tentatively held her hand out in front of Clarke's face, and she almost shouted in relief when she felt expelled breath hitting the back of her hand. It was very shallow breathing though, and Lexa knew that she probably did not have much time before it stopped. She lifted Clarke from the passenger seat and hurried toward the hospital entrance, not even noticing how heavy the blonde was in her extreme fright. Blue eyes fluttered open at the jostling movements, settling on Lexa's face in a daze.

"Lexa? What's happening to me?" Clarke's eyes looked fearful for the first time that night, almost as if she had finally sobered up a bit.

"You had way too much to drink, and I think you might have alcohol poisoning," Lexa explained as calmly as she could. "Have you ever had it before?"

Clarke shook her head, clutching tightly to Lexa's sweater and trembling violently. "Please help me."

"You're okay." Lexa tried her best to sound reassuring. "Just hang in there, roomie."

_I can't lose you, too._

Clarke's eyes drooped shut again as Lexa burst through the doors. Thankfully, there were three nurses at the front desk, and they immediately jumped to attention at the sight of the unconscious girl in Lexa's arms. A nurse was by Lexa's side in an instant with a wheelchair, and she helped the brunette lower Clarke into it.

"What happened?" the nurse asked.

"I think it's alcohol poisoning," Lexa admitted.

The nurse gave a brusque nod, and the other nurses raced beside her, one speaking into a pager and the other calling back to Lexa that they would be back shortly to show her to the waiting room. The brunette could do nothing but watch as her girlfriend was wheeled out of the room, green eyes never leaving a small blond figure until the girl was out of sight.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that last chapter got a big response, too. Thanks, guys! The big question seems to be, will Clarke forgive Lexa? Well, the wait is finally over, so you can read to find out! Enjoy! <3

The sound of loud chatter was all around Lexa as she stood in the center of the bar, a splash of blond on a barstool catching her eye. Lexa's brows knitted in confusion. She thought that she had already left the bar, vaguely remembered carrying Clarke into the hospital, and she wondered if she had simply imagined all of it. Clarke then stood from the barstool, and Lexa hurried over to loop an arm around her waist, steadying her as she wobbled. Clarke immediately pushed her away, blue eyes sparking with fury.

"I hate you, Lexa."

Lexa blinked away the tears that pricked her eyes at the statement, feeling an extreme sense of déjà vu. "Please, Clarke, just come with me."

The blonde was in the process of shaking her head, about to snap out some equally nasty remark, when her eyes rolled back, and she collapsed to the floor. Lexa's eyes widened with fright, and she instantly crouched down beside her roommate, trembling with worry and an immense guilt. This was her fault, after all.

"Clarke," she called desperately, but she received no response. Her hand immediately went in front of the blonde's mouth, horror flowing through her veins when she felt no air hitting the back of it.

"She's not breathing!" Lexa yelled out to no one in particular.

Someone dropped down beside Lexa, but she found that she could not tear her eyes away from the girl on the floor long enough to tell if it was a man or a woman. All of her focus was on the words that she was currently chanting in her head.

_Please don't be dead. Please don't be dead. I can't live without you._

Her heart stopped when she heard a female voice declare, "No pulse."

Wailing in agony, Lexa sprang from the floor, eyes darting over the sea of people who had gathered to see what the commotion was. "Somebody, please help!"

That's when her stepfather emerged from the crowd, pushing people aside until he stood in front of Lexa with a smirk on his face, a tiny spark of triumph in his cold eyes. "There's no bringing her back, Lexa. She's dead."

The brunette's head spun. He had to be lying. Clarke couldn't be dead. Lexa couldn't accept that.

" _You_ killed her," her stepfather sneered.

Lexa shook her head in disbelief. For the first time ever, her stepfather was no longer her greatest problem, and she easily tore her gaze away from his to look at the girl on the floor, his mocking laughter fading into the background as Lexa finally crumpled.

"Clarke, please don't leave me," Lexa whimpered, tears flowing from her eyes as they sprang open to land on Raven's warm brown ones.

"Lexa, it was just a dream. Clarke's going to be fine," Raven reassured, holding on to Lexa's hands. "They had to pump her stomach, but she is recovering now. Abby's with her."

Taking in her surroundings, Lexa saw that she was sitting in the hospital waiting room, and she realized that she must have dozed off while waiting for the others to arrive. Raven was now sitting beside her, Octavia occupied the chair on Raven's other side, and of course, the hospital staff would have notified Clarke's mother. Lexa knew that she had to have been asleep for a few hours if Abby was already here.

Lexa tried her best to shake her nightmare, but even the news that Clarke was going to be alright did nothing to calm Lexa's racing heart and fast breathing. She could still picture the blonde's lifeless form lying on the ground. She felt like she was going to be sick at the knowledge that the blonde's last words to her in the dream had been "I hate you." What was even worse was that those words hadn't merely been a part of the dream. Clarke had said them in real life as well, more than once, and it looked like the blonde had meant them.

The feeling of her throat closing up caused Lexa's eyes to widen in panic. She should have expected it; this happened to her every time that she woke up nowadays. She wanted, needed, to bring her hands up to her throat, but they were still being clasped in Raven's, and she found herself collapsing against the other girl's chest.

"Lexa, are you alright?" Raven asked, concern lacing her voice.

For a scary second, Lexa could not speak, so she was unable to tell Raven what was wrong. It was clear to her that the other girl just thought that she needed to be comforted after the dream she had woken up from, and she briefly wondered if this would be the time that she never took another breath. Determined not to die, she summoned all of her strength and forced out a few words, despite her struggle for air. "I can't…breathe."

Raven understood in an instant, and she peeled Lexa away from her, forcing green eyes onto hers. For the first time, Lexa was glad that this other girl had been present when Anya had instructed Clarke on how to take care of her during panic attacks.

Lexa barely registered it when Octavia sprang up from her chair and ran out into the hallway, presumably in the direction of the nurses' station. All she could focus on was Raven's determined voice. "Lexa, focus on calming down, okay? You can get your airway to open on its own if you stop getting yourself so worked up."

Lexa shook her head. "I…need…a bag," she gasped out, shaking with the effort.

"No, you don't," Raven told her. "You can do this. All you have to do is think comforting thoughts. Think about Clarke. She wouldn't want you to suffocate out here. If anything, you need to stay alive for her."

Lexa knew that Raven was right, even with the shortage of oxygen to her brain. If Clarke had overdosed on alcohol because Lexa had been avoiding her, what would happen to the blonde if Lexa died? The brunette's first instinct at not being able to breathe was to panic and claw at her throat, and she already felt herself calming slightly at having her hands held away. She focused on the memory of blue eyes as much as she focused on the brown eyes in front of her, and she felt herself overcome with thoughts of her girlfriend. Clarke smiling. Clarke laughing. Clarke looking at Lexa like she was the only person that she would ever want in this world. Lexa smiled in relief when she felt air entering her lungs again, sucking in deep gulps of it as she brought Raven's hand up to her hair. Raven caught on immediately, running her fingers through chestnut curls, and Lexa leaned into the overwhelming comfort of the touch.

She looked at Raven with awe-filled green eyes. "You were right. I got my throat to open up on my own."

"I told you that you could do it." Raven looked slightly proud of herself.

Octavia raced into the room, a nurse following closely behind. The brunette skidded to a halt when she took in the scene in front of her, eyes widening in disbelief as she clutched a bag in her hands. "What happened?"

"Lexa got through it on her own," Raven said. "All I had to do was tell her that Clarke needed her to stay alive, and she focused harder than I've ever seen her focus on anything. She was telling the truth, O. She still loves Clarke."

A relieved smile spread across Octavia's face, and she was about to respond when the nurse interrupted. "If you don't mind, I'd still like to take a quick look at you to make sure that everything's fine. It's standard protocol."

Lexa very much minded. The poking and prodding that doctors normally did made Lexa extremely uncomfortable, but she nodded her permission anyway, not wanting to make a scene in front of Octavia and Raven.

The nurse looked over Lexa, making sure that her heart rate was back to normal and that nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary. The brunette didn't even realize how tense her shoulders were throughout the entire ordeal until they slumped in relief once the nurse was gone. Octavia opened her mouth to say something, but Abby chose that exact moment to make an appearance.

Lexa was out of her seat, completely forgetting about the other two, the moment that she saw the older woman. "How is she?"

"She's going to be fine, but they want to keep her overnight for observation." Abby shook her head in confusion. The stress lines upon her face were a clear indication of the strain that the older Griffin had been under ever since she had received the news that her daughter was in the hospital.

"How did this happen?" Abby asked, looking expectantly at Lexa. "I mean, I'm aware of the fake ID she used to get into the bar, but I don't understand why she would relapse. I thought she was doing so well here."

Lexa hung her head in shame, unable to meet those distraught eyes, exactly like her roommate's except in color, for a single moment longer. "It's my fault."

"How? What did you do to her?" Abby demanded, and Lexa was taken aback at the sudden wave of protectiveness that the woman displayed for her daughter.

The brunette swallowed thickly, wishing that she could be anywhere else, but she knew that she needed to own up to her mistakes, even if it meant that Abby might hate her as much as Clarke did. "Clarke and I haven't been on the best of terms since we last saw you, and I have been treating her rather unfairly. I never thought that she would go and do something like this." Lexa finally found the strength to raise her tear-filled eyes back up to look at Abby. "I was a fool, and I am so sorry."

Lexa sniffled, but her expression shifted to one of curiosity when she saw the anger slowly leaving Abby's eyes, presumably at the heartbroken look that was displayed on Lexa's own face. The younger girl could see the conflict on Abby's features, the way that she was struggling with whether or not to give Lexa a piece of her mind for all of the pain that she had put her daughter through. Lexa waited for her punishment, knowing that she deserved to be screamed at, but the yelling never came, Abby's face morphing into a more sympathetic one as she cleared her throat. "Is this about what happened last month?"

"You could say that, but it's all my fault, and I promise you that it will never happen again." Lexa didn't want Clarke to shoulder any of the blame as far as her mother was concerned, even though the brunette technically hadn't forced Clarke to go out and get drunk. The very thought of Abby pulling Clarke out of Polis due to this incident caused Lexa's heart to race with anxiety. She didn't think that she would ever be okay again if she lost Clarke.

After several seconds of tense silence, Abby nodded. "Go talk to her."

Lexa's eyebrows shot up in surprise, having thought that Abby wouldn't want her anywhere near her daughter after this. She opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, her words were cut off.

"It's apparent that you two have a lot to talk about." Abby crossed her arms over her chest, and Lexa got the message loud and clear. This was her chance to make things right with Clarke, and she had better not screw it up. "She's in room 303."

"Thank you." Lexa quickly headed for the hallway, not wanting to waste another moment when she could be with Clarke.

"Oh, and Lexa?" Abby's voice caused her to stop in her tracks, green eyes slowly turning back to look at the older woman. "Do better this time."

Lexa nodded in understanding, taking the warning for what it was, before turning once more to head into the hallway that would lead her to her roommate. Abby was right when she had said that the two girls had a lot to talk about, but Lexa did not know how much of it, if any, would be good. She didn't think her roommate would want to take her back based on what she had said in the car, but that didn't stop Lexa from trying. She was determined not to leave room 303 until Clarke was convinced that Lexa still loved her.

When she reached the room, she paused outside of it, squaring her shoulders and taking a deep breath, before pushing open the door. The first thing that she noticed was that Clarke looked way too pale and way too small lying in that hospital bed. The second thing that she noticed was that Clarke was alive, and that was really all that mattered to Lexa at the moment.

Blue eyes glanced up to meet Lexa's, and the brunette's heart sunk when she noticed the anger that was present in them again. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I, um, I just wanted to apologize to you for being such a bitch," Lexa said in a small voice.

"It's too late for that, Lexa," Clarke snapped. "I almost died because of you."

Lexa felt a lump rise in her throat, but she also felt a surge of anger at the accusation. "I will admit that we were both in the wrong here, but you can't pin the entire blame on me. I may have been the reason that you were upset, Clarke, but I was _not_ the one who told you to go out and get slammed. That was all you, and you need to own up to what you've done, too. I mean, I may be a worthless piece of shit, Clarke, and I may not deal with my problems in the best way either, but I'd never do anything life-threatening. So, yes, you could've died today, and you scared me half to death, but that was all because of you."

Clarke's jaw set in anger, and she didn't respond for several seconds. "Why did you even come after me? You clearly haven't cared about me at all for the past month, so why would you start now?"

"I do care, Clarke," Lexa argued. "I never stopped caring about you. The only reason that I didn't come up to the attic right away was because I had detention after school, and the only reason that I was pushing you away in the first place was because I didn't want you to be stuck with someone like me. I can never do anything right, and I'm hard to handle, and I always end up finding some way to hurt your feelings, just like this. I thought that if I started avoiding you, then you would finally get the sense to break up with me and find someone who actually deserves you."

"That wasn't your decision to make, Lexa," Clarke seethed. "If you were so worried that you weren't good enough for me, then you should have come to talk to me like a goddamn adult."

"I know." Lexa hung her head. "God, when I saw that drawing, I realized just how wrong I had gotten it. I had never understood how you could look at someone as pathetic and me and see someone important, but I saw it in that drawing. The way you saw me was nothing like the way I saw myself. You loved me, and I went and screwed up the one thing that made my life worth living. I feel like a complete idiot."

Lexa broke off, shaking her head as her tears escaped. "When you fell unconscious in that car, I was so scared that you were going to die, and I realized that my life would be nothing without you. I thought that maybe you might have felt the same way about me, and I finally understood why you were pushed to this point. You thought I didn't care about you, and I am so sorry for ever making you think that. I never would've been able to live with myself if you had died, especially if I had a hand in it."

Clarke remained silent, looking as if she was warring with herself, like she couldn't decide whether she wanted to comfort Lexa or tell her to get lost. Lexa waited with bated breath for Clarke to collect her thoughts, daring to hope that the blonde's compassionate side might win out. Blue eyes were full of sorrow when she finally responded. "Lex, I don't think that I can forgive you for this one. I'm sorry, but you're not good for me right now, and I think it would be best if we spent some time apart."

Lexa felt like she had been sucker punched, all of the breath leaving her lungs as she fell to her knees in front of her roommate, not even caring that tears were pouring from her eyes as she turned her gaze back up to the blonde. "I know that you must hate me right now, but I want you to know that I still love you with all of my heart, even if you can never forgive me. I understand your decision. I am not good for you. I don't really think that I can ever be good for anyone, but if we find a way to be friends again someday, I promise that I will never make this mistake again. I will always talk to you about what is bothering me, even if my instincts are screaming at me to push you away, because I never, ever want to hurt you like this again. I'm sorry for being such a disappointment."

"You're not a disappointment, Lexa," Clarke said with a sigh. "I know that you were only trying to do what was best for me, but I think you understand now that you don't know what's best for me. What was best for me was you. I was so damn happy with you, Lexa, maybe happier than I've ever been in my life, and I never thought that you were worthless. I still don't. You will never be worthless to me, Lexa."

Astonishment played out in green eyes as she looked up at Clarke. "But my stepfather—"

"Don't ever listen to your stepfather, Lexa. I realize that no one ever defended you to him, not even your own mother, but trust me when I say that he's the piece of shit, not you. He only called you all of those awful things because he didn't want to face the fact that they applied to him instead of you." Clarke paused, looking down at where her hands were fiddling with her hospital gown, before bringing her eyes back up to meet Lexa's. "You can be hard to handle sometimes, but that doesn't mean that I didn't love you or that you didn't deserve me. You do deserve to be loved, Lexa. Maybe more than anyone else on this planet. The truth is that I don't think that I will ever be happy with anyone else because they're not you."

Lexa didn't know what this information meant for them, but it was reassuring to hear it, even if it was too late. She could see that the blonde was growing more tired by the second, and she thought that it was probably time for her to leave. However, she knew that she couldn't leave that room without letting the blonde know how much she meant to her one more time. "I love you, Clarke."

Clarke only stared at her for a moment, and Lexa was about to get up and hurry out of the room before she started crying again when Clarke finally spoke. "I love you, too."

_Love_. Lexa couldn't help but notice that Clarke had used the present tense of the word. She tried not to let her hope play out on her face though. Just because Clarke still loved her didn't mean that the blonde would want to be with her anymore. Things were clearly over between them, at least for the time being.

She looked down at the item that was wrapped around her wrist, the item that she had almost forgotten that she had plucked from her nightstand before heading up to the attic, what felt like ages ago. A new strength flowed through Lexa at Clarke's words, and she carefully pulled the item off of her wrist, standing up and crossing the short distance between herself and Clarke, where she promptly held it out for the blonde to take. "For you."

Clarke's eyebrows knitted in confusion, but Lexa didn't miss the tiny smile that was threatening to come over her lips. "The headband that I stole from you in our first week of school?"

"This headband was the cause of one of our first fights, back when we hated each other, back when we probably wouldn't have been able to stomach the idea of ever loving each other," Lexa said with the faintest smile. "I know that it's too late now and that you may very well never wish to speak to me again, but I still want you to have this as my way of saying that I never want to have another fight with you."

Tears welled in Clarke's eyes as she accepted the headband, immediately pushing it into her hair. She was silent for several long seconds, and Lexa shifted awkwardly, wondering if this was her cue to leave or if the blonde had simply run out of things to say. Lexa was speculating that Clarke might have fallen asleep with her eyes open when the blonde scooted over and patted the space beside her.

Lexa looked up in surprise, meeting Clarke's eyes for confirmation that her roommate actually wanted this, and she received a nod in return. She wondered why Clarke wanted her to get into the bed, thinking that maybe the blonde was just being polite so that Lexa did not have to sleep in a chair in the waiting room. Yes, that must be it, she thought. She was about to tell Clarke that she would be fine in a chair (she had already been sleeping in one, after all), but she decided that it would probably be best to accept Clarke's small act of kindness, even if it made her feel slightly awkward.

She rigidly laid down beside Clarke, lying on her back and keeping her eyes fixed on the ceiling. She was careful to keep ample space between herself and the blonde, not wanting to irritate the other girl or ruin this more amicable mood that had settled between them. Clarke let out a breathy laugh, and Lexa's brows furrowed in confusion, wondering what was so funny. Before she got a chance to ask, Clarke was pulling Lexa against her, and the brunette instantly melted into her side, even though she was surprised that Clarke was allowing this contact. She couldn't stop a sigh from escaping her lips as she burrowed her face into the blonde's chest, wondering why Clarke wanted Lexa to lie against her. This time, Lexa couldn't crush down the hope that was blossoming inside her.

"Are we okay, Clarke?" Lexa dared to ask after several seconds had passed in silence.

She wanted to smack herself in the forehead the minute that the words were out of her mouth, hoping desperately that she hadn't just ruined this tentative peace.

"Yes." Lexa relaxed as the blonde placed a kiss against her head, and she burrowed deeper into her roommate.

Several seconds passed before Clarke spoke again, so softly that it was hard to hear her over the beeping of the heart monitor. "I'm not breaking up with you, LW."

Lexa's lips quivered, wondering if it was possible that she had heard correctly. "Really?"

"Really," Clarke confirmed.

Tears began cascading down Lexa's cheeks, creating a damp spot against the blonde's hospital gown. She felt that she had been crying too much today, but she couldn't help herself in her immense relief. Clarke said nothing, simply holding Lexa as her sobs shook her. Lexa murmured "thank you" over and over again, unable to fully express the gratitude that she felt about having been given a second chance. She had thought that she had lost Clarke forever, and she vowed to herself that she would never do anything that could even possibly mess up their beautiful relationship ever again. The two girls fell asleep that night, tangled up in each other after far too long, and Lexa finally slept soundly throughout the night, no nightmare to wake her up in the morning.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Sunday, Clexakru! I am really glad that the majority of you enjoyed the last chapter. I have now decided to give you a more lighthearted one after all of the angst that I have put you guys through. Enjoy!

The next morning passed in a blur for Clarke. She woke up beside Lexa in her hospital bed, relieved when the brunette didn't have a nightmare, but she barely even got to say two words to the girl before the doctor was back, asking Lexa to remove herself from the bed so that he could clear Clarke. Once the blonde was released, Abby brought her back to the house and stayed with her for three more hours, despite Clarke's insistence that she was fine, wanting to make sure that her daughter stayed hydrated and ate a decent meal. Clarke was relieved when it was time for her mother to leave for her flight, not at all enjoying being fussed over. She almost screamed when Abby began to wonder if maybe she should cancel her flight and stay here with Clarke for another night. The blonde loved her mother, she really did, but she couldn't handle the constant coddling that came from Abby's being both a mother and a doctor. She politely argued that Abby did not need to stay here with her and that it would be fine for her mother to go back home. Abby just stared at her, looking as if she didn't quite believe it.

"I'll be fine, Mom. I promise," Clarke said again.

"How can I trust you right now? After what happened?" Abby asked, and Clarke knew that her mother had a point. How could she expect the older woman to ever trust her again when she had gone out and done the one thing that Abby had sent her here to prevent her from doing ever again?

"I will never drink again, Mom. I mean it this time," Clarke said, shuddering at the thought of what she had went through in the past day. "Drinking that much was the stupidest thing I've ever done. I didn't even mean to. I was just so upset, and once I started, I couldn't stop."

Abby was still looking at her warily, so the blonde decided to tell her mother what had really scared her into never wanting to drink again. "There was a moment when I woke up after I had passed out in the car. Lexa was carrying me into the hospital, and it was like I could feel the life leaving my body. I knew I was dying, and it was all I could do to cling onto her sweater. Clarke closed her eyes at the memory, wishing she could shut it out as easily as she could shut out the sight of her room. "I never want to feel that way again."

She opened her eyes to gauge her mother's reaction, and she felt slightly better when Abby nodded. "I spoke with Lexa yesterday, and she said that you two had been having trouble with your relationship since I last saw you, yet you never drank throughout that whole time. So, what happened yesterday that made you want to go to the bar?"

Clarke averted her eyes, looking down at her lap as if there was something very interesting resting upon it. "Lexa had been avoiding me, and I always suspected that she might have her own stubborn reason for keeping us apart, but I couldn't get her to tell me what it was. I couldn't even begin to guess, so I left this drawing on my bed for her to find because I knew that it would get her to see that I loved her and hopefully come to her senses. What happened was all a misunderstanding, really."

Clarke couldn't keep the embarrassment from showing up as a blush on her face. "I was waiting for her in the attic, and when she didn't show, I thought that she had seen the drawing and that she didn't care about me anymore. I felt worse than I had in a long time, and that's why I went to the bar. Turns out that Lexa had detention after school, and she hadn't even seen the drawing when I left. It was stupid really, but I thought that she didn't love me, and I couldn't handle that when I was still so in love with her."

"That's no excuse to drink, Clarke," Abby reprimanded. "Especially as much as you did."

"I understand that now," Clarke said solemnly. "Besides, I couldn't even get my hands on any alcohol if I wanted to because you've already confiscated my fake ID."

Clarke shot her mother a grin. Abby was not amused. "You never should have taken a fake ID to school with you in the first place."'

Clarke's grin fell away. "I'm sorry."

"Are you sure you'll be alright here all by yourself?" Abby asked for what must have been the ninetieth time.

Clarke rolled her eyes. "I won't be alone. I'll be with Lexa."

"Are you sure that it's a good idea for you to continue to be with Lexa?" Abby asked. "She seems to have a lot of issues due to what she's been through, and I know it's terrible, but it's not fair of her to ask you to deal with that."

Clarke was quick to jump to her girlfriend's defense. "She didn't ask me for my help, Mom. I basically forced my way into her life when she was nowhere near ready for a relationship. Besides, her 'issues' are the reason that she started to push me away in the first place. She knows that she can be hard to be with sometimes. That's exactly why she felt the need to let me go, and look how well that turned out."

Abby pursed her lips, clearly not liking her daughter's decision. "Fine, Clarke. It's up to you because it's your heart, but I hope that you will be careful with it."

The blonde nodded, showing her mom that she was very serious about her decision to stay with Lexa. She only hoped that it would not prove to be the wrong one.

Once Clarke had finally bade her mother goodbye, after several reassurances that she would be fine, Abby left. The blond girl relaxed into her bed, delighting in finally having a moment to herself, even though she knew that it wouldn't last for much longer. Just as she thought, the door cracked open seconds after Abby had left, Lexa pushing her way back into the room. If it were anyone other than her, Clarke would have told them to go away, but she smiled at the sight of her roommate, relieved to see her willingly walking into the room once again while Clarke was in it.

"Where have you been hiding out?" she asked.

"I was downstairs playing Xbox with Emori," Lexa said.

Clarke gave her a smile that was both knowing and teasing. "Couldn't face my mom?"

"I already spoke to her last night, and she was very disappointed in me," Lexa scuffed her shoe against the carpet. "Besides, I wanted her to have time alone with you before she had to leave again."

"Well, thank you," Clarke said, "even if she did annoy the crap out of me."

Lexa nodded, and then she stood awkwardly in the center of the room for a moment, almost as if she couldn't decide whether to go back to her bed or if it was alright to join the blonde on hers. Clarke tried to think of something that she could say to break the tension, but Lexa spoke up first. "Are you hungry or thirsty? I can go downstairs and get you some water."

Clarke groaned aloud. "Please don't ask me that. I got enough of that from my mother."

Lexa's brows furrowed. "Are you sure, Clarke? I know that alcohol can dehydrate you, and you drank so much of it."

Clarke sighed, and then she beckoned for Lexa to come sit beside her on the bed. The brunette looked surprised, but she did not hesitate, walking over and sinking down on the edge of it. The blonde sat up and placed a hand on her girlfriend's knee before she addressed her in a gentle tone. "Do you remember when we talked about how you didn't want me to fuss over you when you have flashbacks?" Lexa nodded immediately, and Clarke continued. "The same applies to this situation."

Lexa nodded brusquely. "I am sorry."

"Hey, it's fine, Lex." Clarke reached out to cup her roommate's cheek. "You have to make the mistake in order to learn from it, just like you wanted me to do with you. I understand that you're worried about me, so how were you supposed to know without me telling you?"

Lexa smiled at Clarke's statement. "I don't know, Clarke. I am so glad that you are alright."

"I am too, LW. I'm sorry for scaring you like that," Clarke said, realizing that she hadn't even thought to give Lexa this small apology, too.

Lexa looked surprised for a moment, but then she smiled that smile that Clarke loved more than anything else in the world. She leaned forward to capture Clarke's lips in hers, but the blonde was quick to place a hand against her chest to stop her, blushing when she accidentally brushed the top of Lexa's breast. The brunette didn't even seem to notice though. She was too caught up in her confusion at why she had been pushed away.

"I am not allowed to kiss you?" Hurt was prominent in green eyes, and Clarke tried not to wince at the sight.

She felt bad, but not bad enough to reconsider. She sighed as she ran a hand through her blond curls. "Listen, Lexa, I think we should try taking things slow, which means no kissing, at least for a few days. We rushed into our relationship way too fast, and I don't think that we ever fully had a chance to learn how to be together. But I want to. So how about we just focus on loving each other for now without being physical?"

Lexa was silent for a moment before nodding reluctantly. Clarke knew that the other girl didn't want this, but after everything Lexa had put her through, she felt like her roommate at least owed her this much.

Clarke was slightly surprised by the words that came out of Lexa's mouth next. "Can we still sleep together?"

Clarke wondered if maybe the brunette was joking, but Lexa looked dead serious. Clarke sighed in exasperation. "Lexa, if we're not even going to be kissing, why would you think that it would be okay to sleep together?"

Lexa's eyes widened in realization, and a laugh escaped her lips. "I suppose I might have worded that wrong. I meant to ask if you would be comfortable sharing a bed with me."

"Oh." Clarke nodded. "Yes. I don't ever want to sleep without you again."

Lexa immediately breathed out a sigh of relief. "Good. I don't either."

Clarke's hand began to draw patterns on Lexa's knee, and the two of them relaxed into silence, simply taking comfort in the fact that the other was present. It had been way too long since the two of them had just spent time together like this, and Clarke was beyond glad that she had her roommate back by her side. She knew that the other girl had hurt her, and it was hard to forgive her, but as long as Lexa was serious about this, Clarke knew that she would be much happier with the brunette as her girlfriend.

Suddenly, Lexa seemed to remember something, her eyebrows shooting up and a smile creeping onto her face. Clarke looked at her curiously, and hopeful green eyes turned up to meet blue. "Would you allow me to take you out for a date this weekend?"

Clarke considered this for a moment before nodding her agreement. "We are still a couple, so I suppose that would be fine."

"Great!" Lexa's eyes were brighter than Clarke had seen them in a long time. "Do you like—well, never mind. I want it to be a surprise."

"Okay, Lexa." Clarke was more than happy to allow her girlfriend to surprise her, finding herself to be excited at the prospect of this date already as well. "I'm sure I'll love it."

* * *

Over the next week, true to Clarke's desires, Lexa did not kiss her, the two of them drawing the line at holding hands and cuddling. Not even kisses on the cheek or the top of the head were allowed, and it was slowly driving Lexa crazy. She did not even protest once though, knowing that she needed to endure this punishment for what she had done. She supposed that she should be thankful that Clarke was even allowing her to touch her at all.

Things slowly went back to normal for the two girls. They resumed eating under the bleachers on most days, they did their homework together, and they slept curled up in the same bed each night. Touch did not appear to be a problem for them. In fact, they were touching more often than not, constantly wanting to feel the pressure of the other girl against them, as proof that this was really happening. It was as if their relationship had been tinged with sadness, what was once gentle touches now a desperate clinging, like each was afraid the other might disappear if they dared to let go.

Now that they were finally spending time with each other again, it was hard for them to be apart. They had spent every moment of every day this week in each other's presence, except for when they were at school, and Lexa did not think that that could possibly be good for their relationship. So, that was why she had decided to hang out with Anya on Saturday afternoon before she went out with Clarke that night.

At the moment, Lexa was napping peacefully against Clarke's chest while the blonde read an article or something on her laptop for one of her classes. Lexa's dreams were pleasant as she was safe in Clarke's hold, and she was relieved that she had only had one nightmare this week.

When Lexa opened her eyes, the first thing that she noticed was that Clarke's hand was playing with her hair. She hummed in delight, leaning into the touch. The soothing motion almost lulled her back to sleep. That was, until she caught sight of the time on Clarke's laptop, and her eyes widened. She was meant to meet Anya ten minutes ago. She lifted her head from the blonde's chest, and curious blue eyes turned to meet hers. It was at that moment that she realized she had also forgotten to even mention her plans with Anya to Clarke. Some girlfriend and friend she was.

"I am only going to spend some time with Anya." Lexa answered her roommate's silent question. "I promise that I will be back in time for our date."

Clarke nodded in response, and Lexa got off of the bed, ready to run down the hall when the sound of her girlfriend's voice caused her to turn back. "What time should I be ready?"

"How about 6?" Lexa asked.

Clarke nodded. "I'll see you then."

Lexa shot her girlfriend a smile before heading down the hall again, knocking on Anya's door before entering. The older girl was sitting on her bed with her arms crossed and one eyebrow raised, clearly waiting on her friend to show up.

"What took you so long?" she asked.

"I fell asleep," Lexa admitted. "I was tired because I stayed up late last night working on that history assignment."

"The Civil War project?" Anya asked, and Lexa nodded. "I remember when I had to do that. It sucked."

Lexa narrowed her eyes at her friend. "Shut up. I'm just glad that it's over, and I feel rejuvenated now that I have taken such a wonderful nap."

The two of them were silent for a moment before Lexa spoke again. "So what do you want to do?"

Anya shrugged. "I don't know. Emori's with her boyfriend, and I was bored, so I just wanted someone to hang out with. How are things going with Clarke?"

"Fine, I guess, although we haven't spent much time away from each other." Lexa's gaze dropped to her feet for a moment before she continued. "I honestly think that Clarke's afraid I won't come back every time that I leave her."

Anya gave her a pointed look. "That's no way to have a successful relationship. You need to trust each other. That's, like, the whole point."

Lexa knew that her friend was right. Clarke didn't quite trust her yet, but she had good reason not to. The only way for Lexa to prove that she was trustworthy again was to make sure that she always returned to Clarke whenever she left, never pushed her away. Lexa didn't want to share any of this with Anya though, so she tried to appear confident in her answer.

"I'm here, aren't I? Clarke didn't cry or anything when I said that I was leaving, so clearly, there is some level of trust going on."

"But not enough," Anya argued, seeing right through her best friend. "You need to woo her. Take her out on a date or something. You need to show her that you're serious about your relationship and fix the things that you messed up, and most of all, you just need to show her that you love her."

"I am taking her out on a date tonight."

"Good. Where?" Anya asked, already eager to know the details, and Lexa sort of wished that she hadn't. She knew that her best friend wouldn't hesitate to make fun of her for it, but she also needed the reassurance that she was doing the right thing.

"I don't know if she'll even like it, but…" Lexa trailed off. "Well, Luna's family gave me concert tickets last summer for you and me to use in an attempt to cheer me up. I had completely forgotten about them until last weekend because I hadn't actually intended to use them, but I do now. The concert is tonight, and I want to take Clarke."

"I'm sure she'd love to go. I mean, who doesn't like concerts?" Anya asked, pausing for a moment before adding. "Who are you going to see?"

Lexa blushed scarlet. "Taylor Swift."

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Anya groaned.

Lexa's forehead creased. "You think she will not like it?"

"I'm sure she probably will, but I wouldn't," Anya said, as she was much more into rock bands and the like. Lexa knew exactly what was coming next when she saw the twinkle in her best friend's eyes. "I just wouldn't let her know how much of a die-hard fan you are. Like, I wouldn't tell her that you have every single one of Taylor Swift's CDs. And those two posters you had in your room freshman year? I wouldn't say anything about those either. And I _especially_ wouldn't mention the time that—"

"Okay, Anya, I get it." Lexa nudged her friend in the side, cheeks burning as she rolled her eyes. "I will not tell Clarke about the Taylor Swift obsession that I had freshman year. I am not an idiot. I can assure you though that I am no longer obsessed with her anymore."

"Oh, really? Then, why are you going to the concert?" Anya asked skeptically.

"Because it will be a nice experience for Clarke. I want to take her somewhere fun, you know? Besides, I would not want to waste the tickets." Lexa shot a wink at her friend. "This may be the only chance that I have to see Taylor in concert."

"Whatever," Anya stood from the bed. "I'm tired of being cooped up in here. How about we go outside?"

"But it is like fifty degrees out there," Lexa whined.

"You seemed warm enough a few seconds ago when I was teasing you." Anya's eyes glittered mischievously.

Lexa shot her a glare, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Oh, come on. We can go for a walk in the forest," Anya suggested. "I know you like it out there."

Lexa wondered how on earth her best friend could've possibly known about that, as she hadn't taken to hiding in the forest until last year, but she decided that it was probably better not to ask. She tried to fight a smile at the thought of going out to the woods that she loved so much, knowing that there was no way that she wasn't going to give in to this one. "Fine. Let me go grab a jacket."

* * *

Shortly after Lexa left the room, Clarke got bored of the homework that she was doing, finding it far less entertaining to read the article in front of her without a sleeping Lexa lying against her. The room felt empty now without the other girl in it, and Clarke wondered, for the first time, if maybe spending all of their time together was not as healthy as she might have thought. Deciding that she could finish her homework tomorrow, she closed her laptop and wandered across the hall to visit her friends.

"Hey, Clarke." Raven looked up with a mixture of surprise and delight in her eyes. "I thought that you were hanging out with Lexa today. Didn't you say you were going on a date tonight?"

"We are, but she's spending time with Anya before we go," Clarke said calmly, trying not to let her frayed nerves show through.

"And how do you feel about that?" Octavia asked. "You two haven't spent too much time apart this week."

"I'm fine, O." Clarke rolled her eyes at her friend. "I'll see her tonight."

Octavia raised an eyebrow. "It hasn't even crossed your mind that this might be her way of ditching you?"

Clarke should have known that her friend would see right through her. Of course, it had crossed her mind. How could it not, after everything that Lexa had put her through? She suddenly found herself at a loss for words. She wanted to deny it, but she couldn't when this was exactly what had been on her mind from the second that Lexa had left their shared room. Her decision to hang out with Anya did seem pretty spur of the moment, almost as if it were just an excuse to bow out of going on a date tonight. Clarke did not think that she could handle it if Lexa never returned. That's why she had come over to see her friends. She thought that they would make her feel better, not worse.

"Octavia, come on," Raven chided. "You know Lexa's not going to do that."

Clarke's eyes widened in surprise at the fact that Raven was so quick to jump to Lexa's defense. When Clarke had first become friends with Lexa, Raven had hated the other brunette. In fact, it had been Octavia who had been the more welcoming one. Clarke wondered what had changed.

"I just want you to be really sure that you still want to be with Lexa," Octavia said. "I mean, she didn't just push you away for a couple of days. She ignored you for a whole month. You almost died because of her, and I don't want to see you get hurt like that again."

"Listen, I know that Lexa has done some shitty things, but it wasn't her fault that I went out to drink. I was the one who chose to do that all on my own." Clarke sighed. "I suppose I may have overreacted a little. I was waiting for Lexa in the attic, but I lost my patience quickly and went out to the bar before she even got a chance to show up. Besides, she didn't know that I was going to do that. If she had thought that her actions might have led me to do something like that, then I don't think there is a way in hell that she would have even started avoiding me in the first place."

Clarke paused, hoping that she was making at least a little bit of sense, but her friends just stared at her. She took a deep breath and continued to speak. "Basically, we messed up our entire relationship, but I want to fix it, and so does she. I love Lexa more than anything, and I don't want to be without her if I don't have to, but if she starts pushing me away again or if I feel that she's not putting in enough effort, then I won't hesitate to break up with her."

"I don't think you'll have to worry about that," Raven said confidently. "I'm sure that Lexa's as serious about your relationship as you are. You didn't see her in that hospital. She was scared to death. I mean, she probably deserved a good scare after everything she put you through, but still. And then, of course, there was the nightmare thing."

Clarke snapped to attention at that last part. "What nightmare thing?"

"Lexa didn't tell you?" Raven tilted her head to the side, a sheepish grin on her face.

Clarke shook her head, and Octavia glared at her roommate. "Don't tell her that."

"She deserves to know." Raven shot the other brunette a stern look. "Besides, if I don't tell her, she'll just go running to Lexa about it."

Clarke wished that her friends would stop talking about her as if she weren't there. Lexa was her girlfriend, and she had a right to know whatever Raven thought she knew about Lexa's nightmares. Clarke lifted a hand. "I'm right here, guys."

Octavia huffed, running her fingers through her hair. "Fine. Tell her."

"Lexa had a nightmare at the hospital," Raven began, and Clarke's face twisted in concern, "only it wasn't about her stepfather this time. She never actually told me what happened in it, but I think it was about you. Anyway, she had a panic attack, like she always does, but we didn't have a bag with us, so Octavia ran off to get one. I stayed with Lexa because I was afraid that she was going to suffocate, even though I knew it wouldn't take long for O to return. I tried to think of anything that I could say to her to help her, and then it hit me. I told her to calm down because _you_ wouldn't want her to die out there, and she did. She focused so hard on calming herself down that she got her throat to open up on her own."

Clarke's jaw dropped in amazement, not even knowing how to respond, and Raven took that as her cue to continue. "At first, she protested. She tried to tell me that she couldn't do it without a bag. I mean, you've seen how panicked she gets when she goes through that, but the minute I mentioned your name, all of that panic and fear for herself went out the window, and she was determined. She does love you, Clarke. She did it for you."

"Wow, I—" Clarke tried to blink away the tears that had formed in her eyes as she listened, a little bit in awe. "Yes, I am really happy that you told me that. Thank you."

Raven nodded in acknowledgement. "No problem."

"Has she had any nightmares since?" Octavia asked.

"One," Clarke said. "A few days ago. I don't know if she would have gotten through it on her own, if that's what you're asking. I had practically shoved a bag in her face the minute it started. Come to think of it, though, she didn't cry afterwards. She normally cries, but this time, she just leaned against me for a few minutes."

Raven nodded with a smile, and even Octavia looked more at ease than she had only moments ago. "I think she's finally getting better, Clarke," Raven said. "For real this time."

Clarke couldn't stop the smile from spreading across her own face when she realized what Raven was implying, even though she had left it unsaid. Lexa was determined to get better for Clarke.

* * *

That evening, Clarke ate a quick dinner with her friends before going back upstairs to do homework while she waited for Lexa to return. Clarke figured that Lexa must have gone out to eat somewhere with Anya because she hadn't seen her roommate at dinner. The blonde tried not to let that worry her, tried not to let suspicions creep into her mind that Lexa hadn't even gone out with Anya at all, but was rather trying to avoid being around Clarke. She was semi-relieved that Anya hadn't shown up at dinner either, but she still couldn't shake the feeling that Lexa might not be coming back.

As the clock drew closer and closer to six, Clarke grew more and more worried, so much so that she got up to pace the room for a little while. She pulled on a lightweight hoodie and slipped her wallet into her pocket. Then, she tried to relax on her bed while she waited for Lexa to show, hoping that she wasn't waiting again for something that would never happen.

Clarke practically slumped in relief when Lexa swept into the room at five minutes till six, smiling when she caught sight of her roommate and murmuring a warm greeting.

"Did you have fun with Anya?" Clarke asked, as Lexa headed for her wardrobe.

"Yes." Lexa opened the door. "We walked around the campus for a long time and then we went out for dinner. It was nice."

Clarke was about to ask Lexa where she and Anya had gone to eat, but she paused when the brunette froze. Clarke peered curiously at her, unable to see her expression because her back was turned.

"Lexa?" she asked, slightly worried.

Lexa finally turned to face her. "My zipper is stuck."

She tugged on it a few times to prove it, and Clarke bit her lip in her struggle not to laugh at the overly upset look in Lexa's eyes.

"Do you really need to change your jacket before we go?" Clarke asked, trying not to let her amusement show. "It's cold outside. We can deal with this when we get back."

"I am taking you somewhere that is indoors, and it will probably be quite warm," Lexa said. "I would really prefer to change into a lighter jacket."

Clarke rolled her eyes at her roommate. "I thought we were supposed to leave at six. It's two minutes till now."

"And I would have already been ready and in a lighter jacket, if I were not stuck in this one." Lexa frantically began to tug at her zipper, and Clarke wondered if her past made her claustrophobic or something or if she was just being dramatic. Either way, Clarke was by Lexa's side in an instant, placing her hand over the brunette's to calm her down.

"You're never going to get out of this jacket if you do it like that," Clarke said gently.

Lexa clenched her jaw, but nodded, letting up on her tight grip on the zipper. Clarke placed her roommate's hand back down at her side before she calmly took the zipper in her own hand. As she examined the jacket to make sure the zipper wasn't simply caught on the fabric or something of that sort, Clarke could feel Lexa's eyes on her in a mixture of frustration and fear. Clarke tried to pull the zipper down as gently as she could, but it did not budge. After a few more tries, Clarke's brows furrowed, and she let go, moving over to her vanity table.

"Clarke," Lexa whined the minute that the blonde had pulled away, looking close to tears. "I am really hot now in this heavy jacket, and I'm starting to feel light-headed. You can't leave me like this."

"Lexa, calm down," Clarke said in exasperation, sifting through the drawer she had opened. "I'm not leaving you. I'm just trying to look for a way to get the zipper to move."

"How?" Lexa said miserably, and the blonde wanted to laugh at the pitiful look on her girlfriend's face.

Instead, she raised an eyebrow. "You realize that, if worse comes to worst, you can probably take the damn thing off over your head, right?"

Lexa blushed scarlet at the realization, and Clarke smirked when green eyes darted away from hers. Clarke went on as if nothing had happened though because, really, the situation wouldn't have been any less embarrassing if Lexa couldn't get the jacket off without unzipping it. It still was not as big of a deal as Lexa was making out to be. Besides, Clarke was confident that she could that she could fix it.

"What are you looking for?" Lexa asked after some time, while Clarke was wishing that she had organized her drawer better, or maybe that it wasn't so full of stuff.

"When I was little, I used to have this one jacket where the zipper would always get stuck, but of course, that was my favorite jacket, so my mom couldn't just pitch it. So, whenever the zipper would get stuck, she would rub chapstick or liquid soap on it, and it would slide right down." Clarke held up a tube of mint chapstick with a look of triumph before pulling a face and dropping it back in the drawer. "Come to think of it, the liquid soap always worked better." Clarke grabbed Lexa's hand in hers, and she began pulling her girlfriend in the direction of the bathroom. "Come on, you big baby."

Lexa huffed and retracted her hand. "I am not a baby."

"Not even two minutes ago, you were acting like the world was ending because your zipper got stuck." Clarke gave her girlfriend a pointed look.

The brunette scowled, but she did not argue any further, and Clarke easily reclaimed her hand. When they reached their destination, Clarke squirted some soap onto her finger and began rubbing it onto the problematic zipper, wishing that her eyes weren't so drawn to the way that Lexa's breasts moved with the motion. Clarke chided herself because the two girls were supposed to be taking things slow, and she hoped that her eyes hadn't dilated at the sight. She knew that they had. This time, when she pulled on the zipper, it moved after the third try, sliding down its track of teeth until it was fully unzipped.

"Thank you," Lexa said gratefully, looking sort of amazed that Clarke had been able to do that so easily. Or maybe she was just amazed that Clarke had taken the time to help her. Clarke knew that if this had happened to Lexa as a child, then she wouldn't have been getting that jacket off until she realized that she could pull it off over her head. Clarke couldn't help but picture a younger version of her girlfriend, alone and afraid that she might be stuck in her jacket forever or maybe worrying that her stepdad might beat her if he realized that she couldn't get out of it. The thought caused a surge of anger to go through Clarke. Lexa should have been able to go to her parents for help, not be afraid that they might hit her if she couldn't do something on her own. This only made Clarke more determined to try and work things out with Lexa. The brunette did not deserve any more pain in her lifetime.

"You're welcome," Clarke said as she wiped the zipper off with a tissue. "Now, you owe me an extra impressive date."

Clarke shot her girlfriend a wink, and the other girl gulped. The blonde could see how serious this date was to Lexa as the brunette went straight back to the room to change jackets as quickly as she could. Clarke knew that she couldn't possibly be disappointed by whatever Lexa had in store for her though. Any time spent with the brunette would make Clarke beyond happy.

When Lexa held out a hand to Clarke, she did not hesitate to take it, the two of them walking down the stairs side by side. Lexa seemed a little self-conscious after what had happened, but Clarke did not think any less of her because of it. In fact, it was refreshing to see Lexa panicking over something as trivial as the zipper on her jacket getting caught, in comparison to the things Clarke had seen her panic about since they'd met. Besides, Clarke would never admit it, but she had found the entire incident to be rather adorable.

* * *

The stadium where the concert was being held was seven blocks from the school, and as it was about a twenty-minute walk to get there, Lexa had wanted to take Lincoln's car; Clarke seemed to have other ideas. The blonde insisted on walking, and while Lexa had thought that she was crazy at first since it was so cold outside, the brunette was slowly beginning to see Clarke's reasoning. She stayed pressed up against Lexa's side the whole way there, holding onto her arm, and Lexa smiled, feeling much warmer already than when she was out with Anya, even though the temperature had dropped about ten degrees. When they finally reached the stadium, its large digital screens displaying images of Taylor Swift, Clarke gasped in amazement.

"We're going to see Taylor Swift?!" she asked, clearly excited. "That's where you're taking me?"

"Yes." Lexa nodded with a small smile. "Do you like her music?"

"Of course, I do." Clarke shot her girlfriend an incredulous look. "Doesn't everyone?"

"Not Anya," Lexa remarked.

Clarke scowled in distaste. "Well, Anya doesn't know good music then. How on earth did you get tickets?" Clarke's eyes filled with awe again, clearly still in slight shock, and Lexa was bursting with happiness at the fact that the concert was such a big hit with Clarke.

"Luna's family gave them to me this summer to try to cheer me up," Lexa explained. "I wasn't planning on using them, and I had honestly forgotten about them until I started thinking of a date idea for us."

"I am really glad that you remembered," Clarke said with a bright smile.

Lexa hadn't seen Clarke smile like that in such a long time, and it was honestly a relief. She wished that she could take away the pain that she had caused the other girl, but as that wasn't really an option, she decided instead that she would just have to make it up to Clarke as best as she could. Clearly, the concert was a good start.

As the two girls passed through security, Lexa squirmed in excitement. She may have taken down her Taylor Swift posters, but that was mainly because she had lost all joy in everything last year, and not even her favorite singer could cheer her up. She wasn't going to put the posters back up, but she may have been lying when she told Anya that she was over her Taylor Swift obsession. She hadn't been this excited in quite some time, and she couldn't wait for the concert to start. Clarke took Lexa's hand in hers, and she led them to their seats. Both girls smiled when they saw how close to the stage they would be sitting, and they knew that they would probably be able to see Taylor just fine without even needing to look at the screens.

When Taylor finally emerged from backstage, everyone was screaming, and Clarke and Lexa were immediately on their feet. She began with "Welcome to New York," and Lexa was immediately singing along. The brunette knew every word to every single song, of course, and she wondered if maybe she should pretend that she didn't know some, not wanting to come off as obsessed. She tried it for one song, but she only lasted a verse before she was singing again, and she suddenly didn't care anymore, too caught up in the fact that Taylor Swift was right in front of her. Clarke didn't know all of the words to every song, but she knew most of them, and she did a lot of video-taking on her phone, which Lexa was sure she would thank her for later. She herself was too caught up in the excitement of the whole situation, unable to bring herself to do more than watch and sing along. This was her first concert, after all.

Being so close to Taylor Swift was almost surreal, but after several songs, Lexa found herself paying more attention to the blonde beside her than the one onstage. Clarke put her phone away, and the two of them began to sing the songs to each other, Lexa soon finding herself to be quite caught up in the blue of her roommate's eyes. Lexa was beyond excited when Taylor began to sing "Begin Again," Lexa's all-time favorite song, and she was even more excited when Clarke knew it as well. The brunette couldn't stop herself from gripping her girlfriend's waist and pulling the other girl against her so that they could sway to the music, getting completely caught up in the song as the world around them faded away. Lexa realized that some of the words of the song were really true for her this time. She had stopped believing in love after Costia had died, and it may not have been on a Wednesday in a cafe, but she had certainly watched it begin again. She was watching it begin again right now.

The last song of the night was "Shake it Off," and the two girls danced and sang with the rest of the crowd, loving every minute of it. When the concert ended, Lexa was extremely sad to see Taylor go, but her happiness that Clarke had had a good time outweighed the sadness. The two of them filed out of the stadium, both buzzing excitedly to each other about their experience.

On their way out, they were walking past a little gift shop, and Lexa wanted nothing more than to go inside and buy a Taylor Swift shirt. As surprising as it might be, she didn't already have one, and she wanted something to serve as a memento of this beautiful night. She looked longingly into the store, her thoughts warring inside of her head. She wanted to ask Clarke if they could stop for a moment, but she couldn't get Anya's words from earlier out of her head. She wondered if Clarke would think her obsessed if she asked to buy a T-shirt. In the end, her instinct won out. She knew that nothing could be nearly as embarrassing as the huge scene she had made over her zipper getting stuck before they left. Lexa blushed at the thought, beyond relieved that Clarke had not been disgusted with her.

"Clarke, would you mind if we stopped for a moment so that I may purchase a T-shirt?" Lexa asked.

"Of course not," Clarke said. "Go ahead."

Lexa ran into the shop as Clarke sat down on a bench to wait for her. She told herself to be quick, not wanting to make her girlfriend sit there for too long. Once Lexa had decided which shirt was her favorite, she purchased it and hurried out of the shop. Lexa knew that a huge grin adorned her face when Clarke spotted her because it seemed that the blonde couldn't help herself from mirroring it.

"Happy now?"

Lexa nodded enthusiastically, sure that she was probably blushing. Clarke followed her out into the chilly air, but it felt refreshing against Lexa's skin after the stifling heat of the concert. The two girls talked excitedly all the way home, not a moment of silence as they recounted their perfect evening, and it felt like only a few minutes had gone by when they reached the house, rather than twenty. Neither of them made a move to walk through the door, lingering outside, as if by some unspoken agreement. Neither girl wanted their magical night to come to an end.

Excitement was still thrumming through Lexa's veins, and she had a newfound confidence within her due to the success of their date. "May I kiss you?"

Lexa bit her lip as she waited for an answer. On the bright side, if Clarke was going to say no, she didn't say it right away, contemplating her answer for a good ten seconds.

"Sure," Clarke finally said, with a playful smirk, "but you have to catch me first."

Clarke ran off before Lexa even had a chance to register what she had said. A slow smile spread over Lexa's face as she recovered from her shock, and she raced off after Clarke, running as fast as she could to catch up. The blonde ran around the school building, and Lexa wished that Clarke would run into some dead end or something, as Lexa was pretty far behind. She perked up when Clarke ran around the football stadium. Lexa cut right through it, meeting Clarke at the other side and only missing her by a hair as the blonde whipped back towards the houses.

Lexa let out a laugh. She hadn't felt this carefree in a long time, her only objective to catch the blonde in front of her as they ran under the light of the moon. Clarke tried her best to shake Lexa off by darting around corners and running between houses, but Lexa had longer legs, and she caught up quickly. She grabbed Clarke by the back of her jacket and pinned her against the side of Azgeda House, holding her hands up above her head.

"Feisty," Clarke noted with a smirk.

Lexa only smiled in return. "I have caught you fair and square, so I believe that you now owe me a kiss."

Clarke pretended to think about this, and Lexa worried for a moment that she was being serious, that she might deny Lexa the chance to kiss her because she was still not ready. If that was so, Lexa would back off immediately, not wanting to pressure her roommate into anything, but she would also be more than a little disappointed.

After a few moments had gone by in silence, Clarke gave a dramatic sigh. "Fine. But only if you release my hands."

Lexa easily released her grip on Clarke's hands, which immediately tangled in her brunette curls. She felt a hand cup the back of her neck, and then she was being pulled roughly against Clarke, their lips moving together desperately after having been apart for so long. Lexa dropped the bag that housed her shirt to the ground as she gripped Clarke's hips, pinning Clarke further against the wall with her body and moaning when their chests pressed tightly together. They didn't even notice the freezing air that was nipping at their cheeks, the warmth of being in a heated lip lock chasing the chill of the night away.

The brunette wished that they could stay that way forever, feeling as if she would rather run out of air than take her lips off of her girlfriend's, but she forced herself to pull away when Clarke squeezed her breast.

"Am I too much for you?" Clarke asked playfully, eyes hooded with desire.

Lexa nodded a little bit, trying her best to force her own desire away. She knew that Clarke could get a little carried away, but the blonde had asked to take things slow, and Lexa was not going to dishonor that just because Clarke was caught up in the emotions of the evening. That was exactly what had happened when they had first started their relationship, and Lexa was determined not to allow it to happen again.

For the first time since Clarke had suggested it, Lexa realized that she wanted to take things slow as well. If they allowed themselves to sleep together tonight, then she knew that Clarke wouldn't be the only one who regretted it in the morning. Lexa liked the idea of she and Clarke having the chance to work on just being good for each other, without all of the physical stuff to cloud their judgement and get in the way.

Clarke seemed to sober a bit at the lack of verbal response from her roommate, furrowing her brows in concern. "What's wrong?"

Lexa raised her eyebrows at the question when she realized that she could not think of an answer to it. Whenever she had been asked this question before, she found that she had a long list of possible answers to give, even though she said none of them aloud. Now, the answer that she always gave, the answer that had always seemed like the biggest lie in the world, was no longer a lie.

Grinning happily, Lexa pressed her forehead against Clarke's, breathing the answer that had never been more true against lips that were swollen from kissing.

"Nothing."


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this is a day late, guys, but life got in the way of my writing last week. Final papers and all that. Anyway, since it is December now, if you guys would like to send me Christmas/winter/holiday themed Clexa prompts, I would love to fill them throughout the month. If you have any ideas, you can either tell me via comment or you can leave it in my dropbox on tumblr at clexawarrior.tumblr.com. Thank you to everyone for continuing to read my story and an advance thanks to anyone who decides to send me a prompt to fill. Enjoy! <3

Clarke awoke the next morning to find her arm slung around an empty pile of bedsheets, and her eyes sprang open. Lexa was no longer lying beside her. Frowning, she looked over to Lexa's own bed to see if maybe the brunette had decided to go back and lie there in the middle of the night, but it was empty. Dread settled in the pit of Clarke's stomach, a feeling that had become all too familiar in the past month. Lexa was gone.

The two of them hadn't slept together last night, had simply fallen asleep when they got back from the concert, but Clarke couldn't help but remember the heated kiss they had shared outside of Azgeda House. She wondered if her bold behavior had scared Lexa away again, and she chided herself for having been so stupid. She shouldn't have gotten so lost in the moment. She shouldn't have touched Lexa's chest without permission. She wouldn't even let Lexa kiss her without permission, and then she had gone and done that. Lexa had probably decided that she didn't want to be with Clarke anymore after last night, and so she was off hiding somewhere again. The thought made Clarke sick to her stomach.

She really hoped Lexa was not going to start pushing her away again because if it happened one more time, then that was it. She wouldn't allow herself to be in a relationship with the other girl if that was the way that she was going to be treated. She couldn't believe that Lexa would just leave like this though, especially after last night. Lexa wouldn't have taken Clarke to that concert if she didn't still love her. Besides, she had been into the kiss, too, until Clarke had squeezed her breast. She was the one who had wanted the kiss to happen in the first place. On top of that, Lexa had promised never to push Clarke away again. If last night had bothered her, then she would sit down and talk to Clarke about it. She had to. Perhaps, the only reason that she was not lying beside Clarke right now was that she simply had to go to the bathroom.

Pushing the bedsheets aside, Clarke rolled out of bed, planting her feet firmly on the braided rug. She traipsed out onto the hardwood floor of the hallway. The bathroom door was open. No Lexa.

Clarke blinked back tears, wondering if Lexa was up in the attic. She thought about going up there to try and talk to the other girl, but she decided against it. She would give Lexa the day to come and talk to her, and if she didn't, then that was it. They were over.

Clarke wished that she wasn't so hurt by that thought.

She knew that Indra didn't normally make breakfast until around ten on the weekends, and it wasn't even nine yet, but Clarke went downstairs anyway, hoping that the house mother might be willing to make her something earlier. She was already feeling hungry, and she knew that there was no way that she was going to be able to fall back asleep without Lexa by her side.

When Clarke pushed into the kitchen, she saw Indra seated at the kitchen island, providing what seemed to be unnecessary supervision while Lexa cooked at the stove. Clarke rubbed her eyes to make sure that she was seeing correctly, but sure enough, there was Lexa, making scrambled eggs in a frying pan. The blonde tried not to let her mouth water when her eyes landed on the stack of chocolate chip pancakes that were sitting on a plate beside her girlfriend. Indra rarely ever cooked chocolate chip pancakes, normally opting for blueberry or banana because they were healthier, but chocolate chip was Clarke's all-time favorite.

"What's this?" Clarke asked. Her blue eyes were curious, but also filled with relief at the fact that Lexa was simply making breakfast rather than avoiding her.

Lexa spun around, flour streaked across her left cheek, and Clarke smiled at the adorable sight. "Clarke, you can't be in here."

The blonde's grin didn't falter. "Did you make these pancakes from scratch, LW?"

Lexa nodded. "Indra doesn't even have any pancake mix." She scowled down at the ground. "This was supposed to be a surprise. Yesterday morning, I asked Indra if I could use the kitchen early today so that I might make breakfast for you."

Clarke's smile grew even wider at the news. Lexa hadn't been bothered by anything that had happened last night. Lexa wasn't mad at her. Lexa was making her breakfast. Clarke let out a small laugh. "It's a great surprise, Lexa. Thank you."

"I'm glad that you like it, Clarke, but you have to leave now. I will bring it upstairs to you when I am finished." Lexa grabbed Clarke by the shoulders with a small smile and began pushing her back towards the door that led from the kitchen to the hallway.

Digging her feet into the ground and grabbing onto the island, Clarke tried her best to resist Lexa's shoving. "Lexa, wait," she said, and the brunette paused in her efforts. "You've got a little flour on your cheek."

The brunette pulled a face, bringing a hand up to rub at the wrong cheek with a cute little scowl.

"Wrong side. I'll get it for you." Clarke leaned forward and licked the flour right off of her girlfriend's cheek, a smug smirk on her face.

Lexa did not find that to be quite as amusing as Clarke did. "Clarke!" Lexa brought the sleeve of her purple shirt up to wipe at her face. "I don't want your saliva all over my face, especially when I'm cooking. That's disgusting!"

Clarke leaned in close so that Indra would not overhear, nipping lightly at Lexa's earlobe. "That's not what you were saying last night."

Lexa gasped, but she couldn't stop a smile and a blush from playing out on her face. Clarke wanted nothing more than to lean in and give her a quick chaste kiss, and she was about to do so when Lexa reached into the bag of flour and flicked a bit of it at Clarke. Blue eyes sparked with surprise and slight outrage. She was immediately reaching for the bag of flour herself, intending to send a wall of powdery white over her girlfriend, but a hand on her arm stopped her. Only then did she remember that Indra was still there watching them, and she turned her face up with a sheepish grin.

"I would really appreciate it if you girls didn't make a mess of my kitchen," Indra said with a laugh. "Any mess you make is up to you to clean, so I would think about that before dumping that bag of flour all over Lexa."

Indra had a knowing twinkle in her eyes, and Clarke wondered how she had known that the blonde was going to throw more than a little bit of flour. Regardless, Clarke politely dipped her head in acknowledgement. She did not want to clean up the mess that the flour would most definitely create.

"Why don't you go wait upstairs, Clarke?" the house mother suggested with kind eyes. "Lexa will be up shortly."

Even though Clarke really wanted to wipe the smug look off of her girlfriend's face, she didn't want to be disrespectful, so she headed back to her room. She couldn't ignore the way that her heart felt ready to burst with love though. She didn't think that anyone had ever made her breakfast before like this, and she found the gesture to be extremely sweet. Maybe Raven was right, after all. It seemed as if Lexa was beyond serious about fixing the things that she broke, and Clarke couldn't even begin to express how happy she was to have the beautiful girl back in her life.

* * *

When Lexa entered the room a few minutes later, Clarke saw that she had also made biscuits, and the blonde's heart warmed at the sight of Lexa placing a tray down into her lap. Lexa climbed into the bed beside her, and Clarke turned to face her, wondering if this was a leftover part of their date from last night. "What's this for?"

"This is for the simple occasion that I love you, and I don't ever want to let you go again," Lexa said with sincere green eyes.

"Thank you, Lexa. I love you, too," Clarke said, wondering if she should reward her girlfriend with a kiss.

"Well, aren't you going to try it?" Lexa asked before Clarke could decide.

Clarke cleared her throat awkwardly, a little embarrassed that she had been staring at Lexa's lips. "Oh, um, yes, of course."

She brought a piece of the pancakes to her mouth (already covered in butter and syrup, she might add) and sighed as the delicious chocolatey flavor flooded her senses. These pancakes were way better than Clarke had expected, almost as good as Indra's and maybe even better than the ones that Clarke's own mother made.

"Where on earth did you learn to cook like this?" she asked.

Lexa's pleased green eyes turned a little sad. "Costia used to love cooking, and she taught me how to make a lot of things freshman year. When I first got here, I was having pretty constant flashbacks and nightmares, and Costia found that it helped me to have something that I could focus on. Cooking was something that we used to do together a lot."

"Oh," Clarke said, refraining from saying that she was sorry because she knew that the brunette would hate it. Instead, she picked up some more pancake with her fork and offered it to Lexa. "Want some?"

"No." Lexa was quick to shake her head. "This is all for you, Clarke. I already had some cereal before I started cooking."

Clarke smiled so widely that she thought her face might split in half, and her heart melted at how special Lexa made her feel. Her next words were out of her mouth before she could even comprehend what she had said. "Come home with me."

Lexa pulled back slightly, brows furrowing in confusion. "What?"

"Come home with me for Christmas," Clarke clarified, feeling a little sheepish that she had just blurted that out in the heat of the moment.

"You want me to spend winter break with you at your house?" Lexa asked quizzically, looking a little doubtful.

Clarke was sure that she wanted this. She had meant to discuss it with Lexa sometime in the near future, but she chided herself for bringing it up so suddenly. She quickly found herself very nervous. "Well, I just thought you might want to because you obviously can't go back with your own parents, and you said that you never felt like you belonged with Luna's family, and I mean, I'll miss you over the break. You don't have to though. I just thought I'd offer, but you can go back to your own home, if you want to."

Lexa shook her head at the blonde. "When are you ever going to get it, Clarke? _You_ are my home."

Clarke was overcome with emotion at how much she clearly meant to Lexa. Only last week, she had thought that she meant nothing to the brunette anymore. She would've never thought that Lexa might consider her to be home. This place, maybe, but not her. Clarke had always thought of her own house as her home, and she had never even considered that home could be a person. She wondered if Lexa might be her home, too. Not even an hour ago, Clarke had thought that Lexa might be leaving her again, that their relationship might finally be over, but now she saw that Lexa cared about her so much more than she had previously allowed herself to think.

"Do you really mean that?" she asked with wide blue eyes.

"Of course I do," Lexa replied immediately. "I have been waiting my entire life to feel like I fit in, to have someone that I feel loved and safe with. I feel all of that with you."

Clarke could feel tears forming in the corners of her eyes when she realized what Lexa was implying. "Is that a…?"

Lexa leaned forward to press a kiss against Clarke's lips, not moving away as she murmured her answer. "Yes, Clarke. I will go home with you for Christmas."

Clarke pressed her lips to Lexa's again, smiling into the kiss, and she was just about to sink her teeth into that plump bottom lip when Lexa pulled away. Clarke whined at the sudden lack of contact, and she gave Lexa a puzzled frown.

"Eat your food before it gets cold." Lexa gestured to the tray that rested on her girlfriend's lap, letting out a chuckle.

Clarke thought that Lexa's lips looked much more delicious than her food, but the other girl was right. They were taking things slow, so Clarke should probably keep the lip-biting to a minimum. Still, she could not keep the happiness out of her blue eyes as she continued to eat her glorious breakfast, content to keep her gaze on happy green for all of eternity.

* * *

"Who the hell has the marshmallows?" Raven shouted over the din in the kitchen.

"You guys are the only ones who need the marshmallows," Lexa answered. "They're probably still in the pantry."

Clarke laughed as she continued to mix the mashed potatoes that Lexa had abandoned. The brunette made her way over to help Octavia and Raven find the marshmallows to top off their sweet potatoes. Clarke had recently found out about the house's tradition of helping Indra cook for Thanksgiving every year. While at first she had been a little wary, Clarke had to admit that it was pretty fun. Indra made the turkey and rolls, and the students worked in pairs to make the rest of the side dishes: Anya and Emori made stuffing, Monty and Lincoln were in charge of the green bean casserole, Octavia and Raven had sweet potatoes, and Clarke tried her best to help Lexa with the garlic mashed potatoes. The brunette really didn't need much help though, so Clarke was more than content to watch her. She never knew that cooking could be so sexy, but Lexa found a way to make everything sexy, in Clarke's mind.

As for Bellamy and Jasper, nobody seemed to want them anywhere near the food, so they stayed out of the kitchen. Lexa said that they were terrible cooks, and Clarke had already heard the horror stories. This tradition had apparently started two years ago because Lincoln and Costia liked to cook and wanted to help their aunt out in the kitchen. Jasper and Bellamy were put in charge of the rolls because they were the only ones with absolutely no cooking experience, and they had managed to burn them to a crisp, almost starting a fire.

Clarke now watched with barely concealed laughter as Lexa grabbed the marshmallows down from the top shelf of the pantry. She shoved them at Raven with a slightly annoyed frown before coming back to take control of the mashed potatoes. No sooner had Lexa walked away, than Raven opened the marshmallow bag too quickly, sending several mini-marshmallows rolling across the tile floor.

"Careful," Indra said as she went to inform the other members of the house that dinner would be ready soon.

"Yeah, Rae, be careful," Clarke mocked, throwing a marshmallow at her friend.

The marshmallow bounced harmlessly off the other girl's arm, but it still served to get her attention. Raven had a mischievous twinkle in her brown eyes, and Clarke thought that maybe it had not been such a good idea to throw that marshmallow.

"Watch it, Clarke." Raven lobbed a spoonful of sweet potatoes right into Clarke's face.

"Raven!" Clarke yelled in outrage. She quickly grabbed a napkin to wipe off her face and shot a glare at her girlfriend, who was trying and failing to hide her laughter. Clarke ripped the spoon right out of Lexa's hand and sent a spoonful of mashed potatoes right back into Raven's own face.

"Clarke!" Raven exclaimed. She clearly had not expected the blonde to retaliate.

Clarke felt a hand land upon her arm before she could respond, and she looked up into reproachful green eyes.

"Clarke, these are for eating. Don't throw them around," Lexa chided.

The blonde didn't even have time to say anything before sweet potatoes splatted across the top of Lexa's head, streaking through her hair. Lexa's mouth dropped open as she looked up at Raven in shock. Then, Lexa's previous rule went right out the window as she got a spoonful of mashed potatoes and hurled them right onto Raven's white shirt, creating a nice, large stain there.

"Lexa!" Raven cried, and Clarke thought that it was starting to sound like _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ in here with how many times they were yelling each other's names. "This better come out of my shirt."

"This better come out of my hair," Lexa argued as she looked at her reflection in the microwave with distaste.

"It'll come out once you shower," Raven said. "If this stains, then it won't come out even once I wash it."

"Should've thought of that before you started throwing potatoes around," Clarke said with a smirk.

Lexa's eyes went back to the mashed potato bowl, and Clarke quickly grabbed her by the arm, pulling her away before she could do any more damage. Lexa tried to jerk out of her grasp, but Clarke kept a firm grip, hoping that it wasn't bothering the other girl, hoping that Lexa would let her know if it was.

At that moment, Indra entered the room, taking one look at Lexa and Raven and shaking her head in amusement. "I leave the room for less than five minutes, and food is already flying, huh?" The two girls looked away guiltily. "Let's try to keep the food in the bowls, please."

Lexa and Raven exchanged sheepish grins while Clarke began pulling paper towels off of the roll that rested on the island. She wondered if she should hold them out to Lexa and allow the brunette to do it herself, but Clarke knew that it would be easier for her since she could actually see the top of Lexa's head. She carefully reached out to tilt Lexa's head to the side, and the brunette angled it even further, giving Clarke easy access.

"Just stay still, Lexa," Clarke instructed.

Lexa didn't move a muscle as Clarke began dabbing at the top of her girlfriend's head, trying her best to get the sweet potatoes out of her hair. Raven was doing the same with her shirt a few feet away, using water to try to prevent it from staining. Clarke wondered briefly if she might be embarrassing Lexa by doing it for her, but her roommate didn't say anything, so she didn't stop until she had gotten it out as best as she could. The top of Lexa's hair was still more red than brown, but the clumps of potatoes were gone at least. Lexa nodded her head in thanks, and Clarke shot her girlfriend a teasing look.

"You know, red hair really suits you."

Lexa nudged her in the ribs, but Clarke didn't miss the tiny smile that was on her lips. Clarke grabbed the bowl of mashed potatoes and brought it out to the dining room table, pleased that she was the first person to set something out, even though Lexa had done all of the work. It was not long, though, before everyone else was finished, and then the peace and quiet of the dining room was shattered by the loud chatter that came from the residents of the house.

When Clarke tasted the food, the amazing flavor of Lexa's potatoes did not surprise her, but the deliciousness of everyone else's dishes did. She had honestly expected some of the food items to be less than stellar, but it was clear that her housemates had become quite good at this over the years. Even better than the food and the familiar feeling of being surrounded by all of her friends, was the fact that her hand was being warmed under the table by that of the girl that she was most thankful for in the world.

After dinner, everyone went out to the field to meet up with the other houses and play some friendly games of football. Clarke was not too excited because sports were not really her thing, but she knew that it was tradition. She wanted to take part in it, if only to spend more time with her friends. All of the padding that she was given to wear felt strange, especially since she had never played this game before, but Lexa looked hot in it. Clarke found herself wanting to tear the outfit from Lexa's body right then and there, and she quickly shut down that fantasy before it could even begin playing in her mind.

As the games went on, Clarke found that Lexa was really good at football, scoring multiple touchdowns, but then again, so were most of her housemates. The only two that didn't seem to be as great were Jasper and Monty, and that was only because they didn't take the game as seriously as the others, preferring to joke around. Clarke tried her best to run around and appear as if she knew what she was doing, even though she didn't have the faintest idea what was going on for the majority of the time. Her teammates seemed to have the collective idea not to throw the ball to Clarke, but the blonde honestly preferred it that way. She would much rather watch Lexa and her friends play than actually try to participate herself. That was why she was caught completely off guard during a game against Azgeda when Bellamy, the quarterback for that game, tossed her the ball.

Clarke's eyes widened as the ball hurtled towards her, focusing all of her energy on catching it. She was so relieved when she actually did that she froze for a second, momentarily forgetting what to do next. It didn't hurt her though. She had been wide open when Bellamy had thrown the ball to her because the members of the other team had stopped expecting Clarke to get the ball a long time ago.

She jumped to action a moment later, sprinting off towards the side of the field that she knew would score her a touchdown. She almost made it, too, but she was tackled to the ground by Ontari a few feet from the makeshift end zone.

A numbing pain shot up Clarke's arm as she landed hard on her elbow, knowing immediately that she had hit her funny bone. She curled onto her side, waiting for the pain to diminish before she made any move to get up. She couldn't help but remember the first time that she had ever hit her funny bone when she had slipped at the park while trying to climb back up a slide. She had been six years old, and she had screamed like she was dying. Her father had freaked out, but her mother had only laughed at his behavior, having known exactly what had happened since she was a doctor. Her dad always reacted like that when she was wounded, fussing over the smallest of injuries, even if they hadn't particularly upset Clarke. She had always found it to be annoying when she was younger, but she couldn't help but wish that her father would run in from the sidelines now and scoop her up in his arms. She wouldn't mind the coddling if it meant that she could see him one last time.

Tears slipped from Clarke's eyes before she could stop them, even though her pain had subsided by now. She hadn't let herself think about it in a long time, but she missed her father, and now that she had remembered him, she couldn't stop. Images of past Thanksgivings infiltrated her mind against her will: her father bringing the turkey to the table with a huge grin, she and him trying to see who could eat the most food, she and her parents gathered around the TV to watch _A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving_. Clarke hated the fact that she had to spend Thanksgiving this year without him, that her life was simply going on without him in it.

Footsteps raced over to where Clarke lay, and she tried to wipe at her face, but it was too late. Whoever was standing above her had obviously already seen her tears. She had only made it more obvious by trying to wipe them away.

"Lexa?" Bellamy called out warily, clearly unsure what to do, and the brunette in question was dropping down beside Clarke in an instant, removing her helmet and fixing concerned green eyes onto blue.

"Are you okay, Clarke? Where does it hurt?"

The blonde knew that she should feel slightly good about how upset Lexa seemed right now because it was another confirmation that Lexa loved her, but she couldn't bring herself to do anything more than place her hand over her heart. Lexa's eyes widened for a moment before understanding dawned in them, and she quickly helped Clarke to her feet. She placed Clarke's arm around her shoulders and wrapped her own around the blonde's waist, making it appear as if Clarke really was injured as she turned her eyes out to meet the questioning gazes of their housemates. "I'm taking her back to the house. She's probably fine, but I want to make sure."

"Aw, come on, Clarkey," Raven teased. "Don't let a little tumble take you out."

Clarke couldn't see the look that Lexa shot Raven over the blonde's head, but it did the trick because Raven promptly closed her mouth, nodding to the pair as they made their way off the field. Once they were no longer in sight of their housemates, Lexa released her hold on Clarke, no longer needing to put up the pretense that the blonde was physically injured. She didn't say a word though, allowing the two of them to remain in silence on their walk back to the house. Clarke clasped Lexa's hand in hers, squeezing gently in silent thanks.

* * *

When Clarke and Lexa got back into their room, after having returned their football gear to the gym, Clarke immediately collapsed on her bed, leaning against the headboard and looking very much like she wanted to cry. Lexa wondered if the blonde was waiting for her to leave, but she figured that Clarke probably would not hesitate to tell her that if that was what she wanted. Lexa carefully closed the distance between them, going slowly to give Clarke time to ask her to leave. She sunk down onto the edge of her roommate's bed when the other girl did not. Lexa rubbed a hand up and down Clarke's shin, hoping that the effect was somewhat comforting for her girlfriend.

"You want to tell me what happened out there?" Lexa asked, after several minutes had gone by in silence.

Clarke sniffled, her lower lip trembling as she seemed to war with herself internally about whether or not she actually wanted to talk about whatever it was that had bothered her. Lexa was about to assure her roommate that she would not be offended in the slightest if the blond girl wanted her to leave. She would understand if the girl needed space right now, but Clarke was talking before she could. "I hit my funny bone out there on the field, and it made me think of my dad. He used to flip out over every injury I ever got, even if it was minor. Once I started thinking about him, I couldn't stop, and I thought of the fact that it's Thanksgiving, and he's not here. I wanted nothing more than for him to run in from the sidelines to fuss over me, and I wish that I hadn't hated it so much when I was younger. I should have appreciated every single moment that I had with him."

"Clarke, don't." Lexa reached out to wipe away the few tears that had escaped from their blue prison cells. "There was no way that you could have known that anything was going to happen to your dad. If he did something annoying, then it was okay for you to be annoyed by it, especially if you were only a kid. He cared about you, Clarke, so much, and that's what you need to remember. I'm sure that there were plenty of ways that you showed him that you cared about him, too."

Lexa thought guiltily about the smashed picture frame that had taken up permanent residence in her roommate's nightstand drawer. She felt sick that _she_ had broken something that was so important to the blonde, and she wished that she could forever erase that memory from Clarke's mind. Lexa knew that Clarke didn't hold the incident against her because of how much she had been hurting at the beginning of the school year, but that certainly did not excuse her actions. Clarke should hate her for ruining something that was obviously so valuable, for almost ruining their entire relationship, and she was extremely grateful that Clarke was able to love her so much, even if it was hard for her to see how sometimes.

"Listen, Clarke, there's nothing that we can do to change the past," Lexa continued quietly. "All I know is that your father wouldn't want you to be hung up on the memory of him on Thanksgiving when there's no way that he can be here with you. He would want you to be happy, especially on days like this, when you still have so much that you can be thankful for." Lexa paused for a moment, reaching out to cup Clarke's cheek and draw gentle patterns there with her thumb. "I know this because a wise blond girl once told me something similar about Costia. She was right."

Clarke's eyes widened in awe, and Lexa didn't miss the flicker of affection that was coloring the blue. "Thanks, Lexa."

Lexa also did not miss the way that the blonde's lips had not ceased their trembling since the two girls had arrived in the room. "You know, that girl also told me once that it was better to let my tears out when I needed to than to try and hold them in. She was right about that, too."

The blonde finally allowed herself to release her tears at Lexa's words, sobs tearing up from her chest and escaping through her mouth. Lexa wanted nothing more than to pull Clarke into her, but something told her that her roommate would not like that very much. If Clarke wanted to be held, then she would have collapsed against Lexa by now. Lexa might like to be held when she was upset, but it was clear to her that Clarke preferred to cry alone, so the brunette racked her brain for a different way that she might be able to comfort her girlfriend. When Lexa had nightmares in the mornings, Clarke seemed to draw almost as much comfort from holding Lexa as the brunette drew from being held, and she wondered if Clarke might like to hold her now. She supposed that she might as well give it a try because anything was better than watching helplessly while Clarke fell to pieces. She tentatively leaned her head against Clarke's chest, hoping that she would not further upset the blonde.

The moment that Lexa's head made contact with Clarke's chest, the blonde wrapped her arms tightly around her girlfriend, pinning the other girl against her. Lexa instantly felt trapped, and she wanted nothing more than to fight her way out of the choking grasp, but she forced herself to remain still. Images of her stepfather grabbing her in his tight inescapable grip flooded through her mind, and she took deep breaths to try and calm her racing heart. She was not about to be thrown into a wall or get the living daylights beaten out of her. This was Clarke, and the blonde was not going to hurt her, would never hurt her. Besides, she had put this poor girl through hell. The least she could do for her was endure this sudden feeling of panic that bubbled up inside of her in order to ease her girlfriend's pain.

Lexa wrapped her own arms around Clarke's waist, keeping herself soft and relaxed so as to be as comforting as she could. If Clarke had done this a few months ago, Lexa would have squirmed out of her grasp immediately, would have been unable to force herself to stay. She managed a small smile of satisfaction at the fact that she hadn't even flinched away. She definitely did not like it, the blonde's grip so different than the comforting one that she usually used when holding Lexa, but at least the brunette was able to manage it. Clarke cried into Lexa's hair for several minutes, and Lexa rubbed her girlfriend's back in an attempt to be as soothing as possible.

When Clarke's sobs finally started to die down, her grip on Lexa mercifully loosened, and the brunette relaxed into Clarke's now comforting grip. She waited for Clarke to speak, but the blonde said nothing, so Lexa allowed her to have the silence. The quiet stretched on for so long as the two girls held each other that Lexa felt herself drifting off to sleep when Clarke let out a chuckle above. Out of all of the things that Lexa had expected her girlfriend to do when she finally broke the silence, she had to admit that chuckling was not one of them, and she wondered if she had simply dreamt the noise. She turned her inquisitive green eyes up to meet humor-filled blue.

"Your hair smells like sweet potatoes," Clarke explained with another laugh.

"Shut up." Lexa playfully rolled her eyes, trying to scowl, but she knew that it came out as more of a smile at the knowledge that Clarke was obviously feeling much better.

"You need a shower." Clarke ran her hand over the portion of Lexa's hair that was stained red.

Lexa shot her a mischievous smirk. "Wanna join?"

Clarke raised an eyebrow. "We're taking things slow, remember? Besides, do you really think that you can handle being around my bare breasts without at least wanting to touch them?"

Lexa brusquely shook her head, trying her best to keep her eyes from falling down to the aforementioned body parts. She had meant to arouse Clarke a little bit to tease her, but the blonde had taken it in stride, completely turning it around on Lexa so that she was the one who was left with her mouth dry.

"Point taken," she said, cringing at the husky sound of her own voice.

Lexa leaned forward to press a chaste kiss to Clarke's lips before sliding from the bed, shaking off her brief bout of arousal as she headed to the shower. She finally understood how Clarke must have felt when helping her through all of the pain that she had been dealing with at the beginning of the year, how providing that comfort might have helped the blonde to further get over her father's death. Helping Clarke through the pain of her sorrowful memories today made Lexa feel like her life actually had purpose, like she could finally give back to Clarke, for once. It made her feel like she might not be so worthless, after all.

* * *

Clarke simply sat on her bed for several minutes after Lexa had left, trying to work up the courage to get out her phone while her girlfriend was in the shower. She wanted to call her mom to wish her a happy Thanksgiving, but she also had a very important question to ask that was setting her nerves on edge. Still, she wanted to do it while Lexa was not in the room, so she pulled out her phone and dialed.

"Hello?" Her mother answered after the second ring.

"Hey, Mom. Happy Thanksgiving!"

"Happy Thanksgiving, sweetheart," Abby said warmly. "You sound like you've had some fun today. How has your day been so far?"

"Great. We helped Indra cook our Thanksgiving meal, and then we went outside to play football."

"Football?" Abby sounded interested, probably wondering how on earth Clarke's friends had even talked her into playing. "How did that go?"

Clarke contemplated on lying and telling her mother that it had gone off without a hitch, but, in the end, she chose to be truthful. She never was very good at keeping things from her mother. "I didn't do much, but when I did get the ball, this one girl tackled me, and I hit my funny bone. It made me think of Dad and the way that he would always make such a big fuss over every little injury."

"He was always so ridiculous with that," Abby said, unable to keep the humor out of her tone, "but I suppose that was only because he cared about you so much." Her tone took on a more serious note. "How did you handle that? Were you okay?"

"I am now," Clarke said. "I was pretty upset when it happened though. Lexa took me back to the house."

Abby's tone seemed to tense a bit at the mention of Lexa. "I take it that you and Lexa are doing alright, then?"

"She's been perfect, Mom. She took me to see Taylor Swift last weekend, and it was amazing. Then, she brought me breakfast in bed the next morning," Clarke gushed, trying not to cringe at how lovesick she sounded. "She's been really good to me lately."

Abby's tone softened at the news. "Well, it's great to hear you sounding so happy again. I'm glad you're doing so well."

Clarke cleared her throat then, knowing that it was as good a time as ever to bring up the question that she had been dying to know the answer to. She figured she might as well get it out before her roommate came back. "Mom, I have a question to ask you, and you're probably not going to like it, but I want you to know that it's really important to me."

"Have you been drinking again?" Abby asked warily.

"No, Mom." Clarke was quick to shut down that train of thought. "It's nothing like that. I promise."

"What is it?" Abby asked, now more curiously than anything.

"Can Lexa come home with me over winter break?" Clarke asked quickly, screwing her eyes shut tight, as if that would prevent her from seeing her mother's reaction, even though she couldn't see Abby at all.

"I don't know about that, Clarke." Abby's tone shifted back to a stiffer one.

"Please, Mom," Clarke begged. "She obviously can't go back to live with her own parents, and I want her to be somewhere where she can be loved and feel like she belongs, especially over the holidays."

"I don't think that's such a good idea," Abby persisted, and Clarke's face fell. "I don't have any idea how to take care of Lexa."

Irritation boiled up in Clarke at the statement. "She's not a child. She can take care of herself. If anything happens, then I promise you that I know how to help her." Tears began to well up in Clarke's eyes, and she kept on talking, willing to do anything that it took to make her mother see that Lexa wasn't a bad person. "She helps me, too, Mom. In a way that I don't think anyone else can. I never told you this because I didn't want to make you feel bad, but I always hated it when you, or anyone really, would hug me when I was upset. The only person that I wanted to be held by was Dad, and if anyone else did it, it just felt like they were pitying me or trying to replace him. I never told Lexa that this upset me either, but somehow, she already knew. She didn't even try to hug me when I started sobbing earlier. She let me hold _her_."

She let that sink in for a moment before continuing. "I didn't even realize how comforting it was for me to hold somebody else when I was upset, or maybe it only works if it's her, I don't know, but I felt so much better when I was holding her. It made me feel like she knew that she could never be the person that I really wanted in that moment, but she was still there for me, and I liked that. God, I must have squeezed her guts out. She must have been so uncomfortable, but she didn't even complain. She just let me hold her until I didn't need to anymore."

Abby was silent for several long seconds, taking in the gravity of what Clarke had just told her. "Where would she sleep?" Abby finally asked. "You don't even have a double bed, Clarke, and I'm redoing the guest room right now."

"Lexa won't mind sharing," Clarke said easily, sounding way too confident, and she wanted to slap herself for letting such a stupid thing fly out of her mouth without even thinking first.

"And just how do you know this?" Abby asked skeptically. "Have you two been sharing a bed at school?"

Clarke wanted nothing more than to deny it, but she knew that there was no point. Her mother already knew the answer because of Clarke's loose lips. "Yes, we have."

"Clarke, have you been sleeping with Lexa?"

The directness of the question stunned the blonde, and she was silent for a moment before she found her voice again. "Yes. I just said that." There was no way that she wasn't going to deny this one, even though her approach probably hadn't been the smartest one.

"That's not what I meant, Clarke." The blonde could picture the scowl that her mother was more than likely wearing on the other end of the phone.

The blonde knew that she had been caught, but there was still no way that she was going to say it. "And I'm choosing not to answer that question."

"Clarke, I'm your mother. I deserve to know," Abby argued.

The blonde did not think that her mother had any right to know about her sex life, but she did not say as much to Abby. Instead, she racked her brain for anything else that she might be able to say to deflect the question. However, all rational thought flew out the window when Lexa walked in, her hair still wet from her shower, wearing nothing but a black bathrobe. Clarke's eyes darkened at the sight, and she wondered for a moment if maybe she shouldn't be so intent on taking things slow. Lexa saw that Clarke was on the phone, so she didn't try to talk to the blonde, but she did wander over to sit beside her on the bed, her head taking up residence on Clarke's chest. The blonde tried not to think about the fact that Lexa was wearing nothing under that bathrobe.

Clarke suddenly found her mother's question much more humorous now that her girlfriend had returned, and she felt the urge to inform the brunette about what she and her mother had been discussing. "My mom's asking me if we've been sleeping together."

Lexa stiffened for a moment, blushing beet red, and Abby began to ask who her daughter was talking to when Lexa burst out into a fit of giggles, finding the entire thing much more humorous than Clarke originally had. Come to think of it though, Lexa had always been more open about their sex life. Clarke couldn't help herself from joining in on the laughter, absentmindedly running her hand up and down her girlfriend's arm.

"And what are you going to tell her?" Lexa lifted her head to look up at the blonde with a smirk.

"The truth?" Clarke suggested, feeling much braver now that Lexa had joined her.

Green eyes widened slightly in surprise, but the brunette spoke no words, so Clarke took that as her cue to answer. "We have slept together, Mom, yes, but not for quite some time."

Abby let out a long sigh. "I guess I'm not going to prevent you from sleeping with people, Clarke, even though I wish that I could forever. At least you can't get pregnant with Lexa." Clarke's face was growing redder by the second as her mother talked. "Just be sure to stay safe. I'm actually sort of glad that you're in a monogamous relationship with a girl. Especially since something tells me that Lexa's not the first person that you've ever slept with."

"I'm not answering any more questions about my sex life, Mom," Clarke groaned. "I will tell you that Lexa is the first person that I have ever loved, and you can take that however you want."

"Fine. Fine, I'll stop," Abby relented.

"So, the answer?" Clarke asked, traces of her nervousness creeping back into her tone. "To that question I asked you earlier?"

"We can try it," Abby said, "but if she's too hard to handle, she goes home, okay?"

"It's a deal, Mom. Thank you," Clarke said, feeling more relieved than ever.

After a few more minutes of conversation, Clarke finally got off of the phone, finding herself both nervous and excited to tell Lexa the news. The brunette stayed silent, so Clarke decided not to tell her right away, instead allowing the two of them to revel in the feeling of the other pressed against them. Clarke began combing her fingers through Lexa's wet hair, and Lexa sighed in contentment at the feeling that she loved so much.

"Does my hair smell better now?" she asked, after several seconds, with a playful grin.

Clarke took a deep inhale of Lexa's fruity shampoo, smiling at the familiar sweet scent. "Yes, it smells very good, and the color is back to brown, so that's another plus."

Lexa rolled her eyes, but she couldn't quite keep a smile from touching her lips. "I thought red suited me."

"I like your hair just the way it is, Lexa," Clarke said sincerely.

Lexa smiled, and Clarke asked a question she had been curious about for some time. "How did you know that it would help me to hold you?"

"Just a feeling, really," Lexa answered with a shrug. "You didn't fall into my arms, so I figured that you must not like to be held."

Clarke nodded. "Did I hurt you?"

Lexa chewed on her lip. "You didn't hurt me, Clarke. I was afraid, but I was fine. I could handle it for you."

Clarke's heart swelled at the statement, Lexa smiling back at her, and Clarke couldn't keep the outcome of her conversation with her mother to herself for a moment longer. "I asked my mom if you could come home with us for winter break."

The small smile fell away from Lexa's features, and suddenly, she was the one who was nervous. "What did she say?"

"Well, I had to argue with her for a while," Clarke admitted, "but she said yes."

"She did?" Lexa asked in slight disbelief, daring to hope as she pulled back to look at Clarke with bits of excitement swirling in her green eyes.

"She did," Clarke confirmed with a wide grin.

Lexa's lips were on Clarke's a moment later, and even though the kiss was chaste and not nearly long enough, Clarke relished every second of it. As she tangled her fingers in brunette curls, she thought that she might finally understand what Lexa had been talking about when she had said that Clarke was her home.


	27. Chapter 27

Tension in Arkadia House was high today as everyone got ready for the Polis Kickball Tournament. No one was as excited as Octavia, but everyone was still buzzing around to get ready to go, and nerves were as high as the hopes that Arkadia would finally win this year. Lexa hadn't been as focused on kickball lately what with all that had been going on between her and Clarke, but now that the day was finally here, Lexa found herself more than a little nervous as well. She had participated in every one of their mini-tournaments, and it seemed like her plan was working. They had lost almost every single practice game, and she knew that Arkadia's statistics for the season were at an all-time low. She only hoped that this plan would help Arkadia to win.

After tying her shoelaces, Lexa gave herself a quick once-over in the mirror, running her hand over her neat ponytail and nodding at her reflection as a way to convince herself that she could do this. She was just about to go downstairs to join her housemates when she felt Clarke come up behind her and begin rubbing her tense shoulders. Clearly, her nervousness was much more obvious than she had thought. Or maybe Clarke just knew her too well to miss it. Lexa slumped into the girl that had stolen her heart, sort of surprised that Clarke was back in here at all. She wondered if the blonde had seen her nerves a long time ago.

The two of them had stopped changing in front of each other ever since they had agreed to take things slow, not wanting to tease one another, especially on a serious day like this one. Clarke had changed in the bathroom today, while Lexa changed in their shared room, and the brunette wondered why Clarke had even come back in the first place. Perhaps she just wanted to check on Lexa after having picked up on how nervous she was, or maybe Lexa was taking too long, and everyone else was already waiting for her downstairs. She hoped that it wasn't the latter.

Lexa turned to capture Clarke's lips in a chaste kiss, hoping to draw strength from the familiar feeling of the blonde's soft pink flesh against her own. Clarke only allowed it for a second before pulling away again with a sympathetic look. "Nervous?"

Lexa nodded, meeting blue eyes in the mirror. "Aren't you?"

"I think everyone is, Lex, but you seem extra nervous."

Lexa bit her lip and tried to pretend that she didn't notice the way that Clarke's eyes were drawn like magnets to the action. She quickly let it go. "It's just that everyone is so sure that we're going to win, and Octavia is so excited, and it's my plan that's got everyone's hopes up. What if we lose? I don't want us to lose."

"Look at me." Clarke turned Lexa around, bringing her hands up to cup her girlfriend's cheeks. "If we win, that would be amazing, but it doesn't matter if we lose. I mean, everyone will be disappointed for a bit, but they'll get over it, and we'll have another shot next semester. Just because you came up with the plan doesn't mean that you are responsible for the outcome of the tournament. We all share the responsibility equally, so don't worry about whether we're going to win or not. Let's just get out there and have fun with our housemates because, even if we lose, we get to spend the entire day together having a blast."

Lexa's shoulders slumped. "I suppose you're right, Clarke."

"I am right, Lexa," Clarke said firmly. "Say it. 'It's okay if we don't win.'"

"It's okay if we don't win," Lexa repeated, but she wasn't sure if she believed it. She would be incredibly disappointed, especially since she had wanted this almost as badly as Octavia during her freshman year. She wanted it pretty badly this year, too, not only for her teammates, but also for herself.

Clarke saw right through her and was clearly determined to dispel Lexa's nerves. She squished Lexa's cheeks together. "Say it again."

Lexa tensed up at the tight grip on her face, but her fear was quickly driven away when she saw how ridiculous she looked in the mirror. "It's okay if we don't win."

Lexa giggled at the sight. "You're right, Clarke. I don't know why I'm so uptight about this, but I will try my best not to be."

Clarke smiled at her, and Lexa smiled back, giving her the smile that she knew Clarke loved more than anything else, the one that the blonde had drawn and labeled her favorite. Lexa couldn't help but give it after being distracted from something that was bothering her immensely. She was rewarded with an even wider smile from Clarke, and she tried not to let her nerves rise again as she grabbed Clarke's hand in hers, and they headed out the door.

* * *

The Arkadia team got out to the kickball fields with fifteen minutes to spare. They didn't play at the school because their school only had two fields, and they would need many more to fit in all of the houses. Polis Boarding School owned a wide expanse of land that was located across the street about a mile from Jaha's ice cream shop. They used it to build a total of eight kickball fields so that this tournament would be possible to complete in a day. Since there were thirty-two houses in total, Lexa knew that they would be playing five games today if they made it all the way through. She kept a firm grip on Clarke's hand, feeling her nerves shoot through her again as the team waited for Raven and Octavia to get back from looking at the lineup.

When they saw the two girls returning from the wall that everyone was crowded around, many eager heads turned their way to hear who they were matched against first.

"Desert House," Raven told them when she and Octavia reached the group.

"No," Emori groaned. "I was hoping it would be Azgeda."

"We should be fine," Lincoln said. "Desert House isn't much better than Azgeda. We're really lucky we didn't get matched up with Mount Weather, or any of the top teams, for that matter."

"Yeah, but we're used to playing against Azgeda. I mean, I'm used to playing with them. So, we know who's good and who's not and where to kick the ball. You know, that sort of stuff," Emori pointed out. "But yeah, it is a really great thing that we aren't playing Mount Weather."

"We'll probably play against them anyway, though, if we make it all the way." Jasper pointed out. "I mean, they've won the past two tournaments."

"We will end up playing them, but we can't worry about that right now," Lexa said. "We need to just relax and focus while we're playing an easy team."

Octavia whistled then to get everyone's attention, and Lexa turned to the sound, sure that a pep talk was going to follow. "Okay, guys, I realize that we're going to be paired against Mount Weather eventually, and that is intimidating because they always beat us, but if we can make it to the championship, that would be a feat in itself. We have never been in the championship before as long as I have been here, and I'd love to make it. So, with the weaker teams, we stick with Lexa's plan. Make it look like we suck in the earlier innings, and then come back and cream them at the end. That way, they are overconfident throughout the entire game, and when we do win, it will make it look like a fluke to any teams that might be watching. Most importantly, though, let's just have fun, guys. Even if we don't win, it'll have been worth it to play because I get to spend the day with all of you."

"That is so sweet, Octavia," Emori said with a teasing smirk. "I wish I could say the same." She stuck her hand out in front of her. "Let's win this thing."

The rest of the team piled their hands on top of Emori's. "One, two, three, Arkadia!"

On their way to the field for the first game, Lexa passed some kids from Desert House, who were talking about how they were so glad that they got paired up with Arkadia in the first round because it would be an easy win. Lexa smiled in satisfaction at the fact that her plan was already working. Clearly, their track record of losing most of their practice games to Azgeda had gotten around the school.

Even though most normal kickball games lasted for five or six innings, the students of Polis only played for three in the tournament so that they had plenty of time to finish all of the games in one day. In the first inning, Lexa made sure to keep her kicks extra sloppy, and it seemed like her teammates had the same idea. Arkadia still scored a run, but Desert House easily scored two. The other team got even more cocky when Arkadia scored no runs in the second inning, and Lexa smiled when Desert only got one. In the third and final inning, Arkadia brought their A-game. Lexa was proud when she kicked a home run with loaded bases in that last inning, scoring four runs in total for her team. There was no way for Desert House to catch back up after that inning, and Lexa and her friends cheered at the game's end. The members of the other team looked completely put out, but Lexa and her friends were so overcome with glee that they didn't even seem to care.

After Arkadia was ushered off of the field, they got to sit on the sidelines and watch the next game take place, as there were too many houses in the first round for them all to play at once. The game in front of them was Azgeda House versus Blue Cliff House, and whoever emerged as the victor would become Arkadia's next opponent.

"Man, I hope Azgeda wins." Emori crossed her fingers.

Lexa turned her head to look at her friend. "I think we'll be fine against either one of these teams. Neither of them is very good."

"I know, but Azgeda is worse," Emori argued, "and like I said before, we're more familiar with that team."

"She's right," Anya agreed with her sister. "Azgeda is much worse. They haven't advanced past the first round in two years, and even then, they only made it to round three. Blue Cliff House has been to the semifinals twice in that time."

Lexa nodded to her best friend, thankful for the statistics, and then she turned a teasing smirk to the girl that was sitting right next to her. "You just want to root for your boyfriend's team."

"Maybe." Emori's face turned pink at the accusation.

"You also want to play against him, so you can get the chance to crush him," Lexa said with a knowing smile.

Emori playfully rolled her eyes. "Shut up, Lexa."

Lexa smiled cheekily at the confirmation that she was right. She turned her gaze to the rest of her teammates, noticing that they were all supposedly rooting for Azgeda as well. Lexa looked past Clarke and her friends, laughing out loud when she heard Jasper and Monty, who were seated farthest away from her.

"Woo! Go, Ontari," Jasper yelled to the girl on first base.

"Looking good out there, Ontari," Monty shouted.

The Azgeda girl glared murderously at them, and both boys devolved into fits of laughter. Lexa caught their eyes, tilting her head in the direction of the furious girl, and they both nodded to her in encouragement.

"You got this, Ontari!" Lexa added her voice to the mix.

If Lexa had been close enough, she would have heard Ontari actually snarl when her glare fixed onto the laughing brunette. Clarke looked curiously at Lexa from her spot beside her roommate.

"That's the girl who always takes the fall for Jasper and Monty's pranks," Lexa explained. "I helped them prank Mrs. Tawney that time when she gave us all detention."

"What did you do?" Clarke asked with an amused smile.

"We may have smashed chocolate cake in the teacher's textbook, left a water balloon on her chair, and superglued her mouse to her desk," Lexa said, unable to stop herself from giggling. "Believe me, it was hilarious. Even more so when we framed Ontari. She got suspended for three days."

Clarke cracked a smile, shaking her head at her girlfriend, and Lexa kissed her cheek before the blonde turned back to whatever conversation that she had previously been having with Octavia.

* * *

After the game between Azgeda and Blue Cliff, Arkadia was overjoyed to see that Azgeda emerged victorious. Against their own plans, Lexa and her teammates were all overconfident going in to that game, but it did not seem to affect them. They still easily beat the opponent that they normally practiced against.

Next, they were matched against Trishana House, and Lexa could see that everybody's confidence had dwindled down. Trishana wasn't one of the best houses in the tournament, but they were pretty good players. They had always proved to be a good match for Arkadia in the past and had even beaten them. Lexa felt her palms becoming sweaty as the game began, and she could only hope that Trishana thought that Arkadia would be an easy win and that they had only gotten this far through luck.

The members of Trishana House did believe that at first, but they quickly realized that Arkadia was still a match for them and stepped up their game. The Arkadia team played hard, but their hopes were a little dashed when the other team scored five runs in the second inning, leaving them behind by two. However, they were extremely lucky when Trishana had a less than stellar last inning, clearly tired from the games they had played before. Arkadia did well, and they ended up winning by three runs.

"We made it to the semifinals!" Lexa exclaimed when the game was over.

"I am so excited, guys," Octavia said happily, eyes shining as she grabbed Lincoln's hand. "We could actually win this year."

"I wonder who we'll be playing next," Bellamy said.

"Not Mount Weather, not Mount Weather," the whole team began to chant quietly, like Harry Potter hoping that he wouldn't be placed in Slytherin.

When the round had finally ended, the school headmaster, a burly man named Gustus, stepped forward to announce which teams would be matched together in the semifinals games. The entire team from Arkadia House clasped each other's hands, still hoping against hope that they would not get paired with Mount Weather first.

"Congratulations to all four of the teams that have made it this far," Gustus began. "I am very proud of all of you for your hard work and dedication to the game. You will be given an hour break now to head back to your houses for lunch, and then the tournament will resume. If your house has already been knocked out, then of course, it is not required for you to return, but I still hope to see many of you back here to support your classmates. Now, without further ado, here is the lineup." He paused, allowing the suspense to grow, and Lexa knew that she was probably cutting off all of the circulation in Clarke and Anya's hands. "Mount Weather House will be playing Delphi House, and Arkadia House will be matched against Floudon House."

* * *

"I can't believe we're playing Floudon House next," Raven said in despair. "We're gonna lose."

They were all back at their house now, where Indra had a quick lunch of sandwiches waiting for them, and everyone's nerves were running high as they thought about the game that they would soon be playing.

"No, we're not," Octavia assured her. "We're gonna win, remember?"

"Yeah," Bellamy agreed. "At least we're not playing Mount Weather yet."

"But still, Foudon House has been in the championship for the past two semesters," Raven argued, tossing her head back to glare at the ceiling. "Why couldn't we have been paired with Delphi?"

"Maybe, we'll get lucky, and Delphi will beat Mount Weather," Clarke suggested, and Lexa smiled at her girlfriend's optimism. "Then, we won't have to play them at all."

As cute as her girlfriend was being at the moment, Lexa knew that that was never going to happen. Mount Weather was the hardest team to beat because they had the best players in the school, and there had never been a tournament where Mount Weather hadn't made it into the championship. At least, not as long as Lexa had been going to school there.

"That's never going to happen," Raven whined, voicing Lexa's thoughts aloud. "No one can beat Mount Weather."

The others didn't argue with her, and Lexa felt a flare of determination shoot up within her. They couldn't talk like that, couldn't give up just because Mount Weather was too hard to beat. Arkadia needed to stay confident and fight back. It was the only way that they were ever going to win this tournament.

"We will," Lexa said, confidence lacing her tone. "We can beat Mount Weather."

Octavia nodded brusquely, a spark of determination in her hazel eyes as they met green. "Agreed."

* * *

The game against Floudon House was intense, and Lexa's teammates were more focused than she had ever seen them, working extremely hard to keep up with the other team. Clarke was focusing especially hard, and Lexa had to admit that the blonde was so much better at kickball than she had been when she had first started out. She knew that Clarke was secretly proud of herself for being decent at a sport.

The two teams were neck and neck throughout the entire game, but Arkadia emerged victorious by one run, thanks to a stellar kick by Octavia that sent both she and Bellamy across home base in the last inning. Everyone was screaming when it happened, and Lexa was pulled into a hug by Clarke, still trying to process the fact that they had just won.

"We're going to the championship!" Octavia squealed, locking eyes with Lexa as Clarke pulled away from her. Lexa nodded to the other girl with a wide grin.

"First time ever." Emori slapped Octavia's hand in a high five.

"Don't get too excited yet," Bellamy said to his overexcited housemates. "We still have to play Mount Weather."

Octavia's shoulders slumped a bit. "They won, then?"

Bellamy nodded, and Raven scoffed at him. "Don't be such a sourpuss, Bell. Even if we don't beat Mount Weather, it is still beyond exciting that we got into the championship. Besides, we can beat Mount Weather, remember?"

Lexa nodded along as Bellamy agreed, leaning down to give his girlfriend a chaste kiss.

* * *

The game against Mount Weather wasn't going as well as Lexa had hoped. It was the last inning and Mount Weather was still ahead by two runs, meaning that Arkadia needed at least three to win the tournament. Octavia stepped up first, and Lexa watched as the girl kicked the ball solidly over everyone's head, easily reaching second base before the other team got ahold of it. Lexa cheered excitedly, squeezing Clarke's hand, as Raven stepped up next. The girl gave the ball a nice clean kick, racing out to first base. Lexa's veins thrummed with excitement, knowing that they were so close to winning this thing. That was, until Harper caught the ball in her hands, meaning that Raven was out. The brunette looked up at her friend with betrayal in her eyes, but Harper just shot her a wink before tossing the ball back to the pitcher. Lexa wished that Harper could be a part of the Arkadia team, like she was in the practice rounds. She was a good player, and the team hurt a bit without her.

When Emori stepped up to the plate, Lexa was reminded that her team hadn't really been hurt as badly as she had previously thought. Emori was a really good player as well, but since she normally played with Azgeda in the practice rounds, at least Arkadia had gained her back for the loss of Harper. Emori's kick went high, like Raven's, but it went to the opposite side of the field from Harper, and the people there did not catch it until it had hit the ground. Emori made it to second base, and Lexa threw her hands in the air when Octavia made it home, still not releasing Clarke's hand and forcing it up as well.

 _One run down._ Lexa thought as she watched her best friend step up to kick next. _Two more to go_.

Anya must have been extremely nervous or something because her kick did not make it out of the diamond, a boy named Cage easily grabbing it out of the air.

"You're out," he sneered.

Lexa curled her lip in disgust at the arrogant boy, but she was surprised that Anya was so nervous. The older girl was always so calm, and Lexa knew that Anya must want this pretty badly, just like the rest of them, if she had had such an off kick. Anya's nerves certainly didn't show though, her appearance exuding its usual calm, and Lexa wondered if maybe there were other times when her best friend was nervous, and she just couldn't tell. Still, Lexa's brows knitted with worry when she realized that one more strikeout would mean the end of the game. Mount Weather would win again.

"Oh no," she heard Octavia say from somewhere behind her.

Clarke swallowed thickly in anticipation because she was up next. Lexa could already see the extreme nervousness that was in the blonde's eyes. There was a ton of pressure on the poor girl, so Lexa squeezed her hand and tried to be as reassuring as possible. "We're just out here to have fun, Clarke. I know that we made it farther than most of us might have dared to believe, but at the end of the day, it's all just for fun. It doesn't matter if we don't win. All that matters is that I believe in you, Clarke. You can do this."

Clarke nodded in appreciation, giving Lexa a tiny smile. "Good luck kiss?"

"Of course." Lexa leaned forward to touch her lips to Clarke's, the two of them only remaining in the lip lock for a fraction of a second before Clarke was pulling back to head out onto the field. Lexa shot her one last reassuring smile, and Clarke managed to send one in return.

Lexa clung to the fence as she watched her girlfriend step up to the home plate, hoping that Clarke would stay as calm as she could and just focus on kicking, rather than all of the hopes that were currently riding on her back. When the ball came her way, Clarke gave a strong kick. It wasn't the cleanest kick Lexa had ever seen, and she held her breath as it skidded through the grass, sighing in relief when the people on the edges of the diamond missed it, Harper quickly jumping forward to snatch it up as Clarke reached first base and Emori reached third. The Arkadia team erupted into cheers, and Lexa began breathing again, taking deep breaths when she realized that she was up next. Anya and Lincoln wished her good luck, and Lexa left the rest of her teammates, knowing that it was up to her to bring Clarke and Emori home.

She stepped up to home base and squared her shoulders, trying her best to remain calm and treat this as if it were just any other kick. When the pitcher rolled the ball to her, she kicked hard, grinning when the ball sailed over everyone's heads as she sprinted around the diamond and smiling when she noticed Emori cross home. She wondered if she should stay on second when she noticed Maya get hold of the ball in the outfield, but Clarke was already making a mad dash for home, so Lexa continued to third. Lexa held her breath as Maya hurried closer and whipped the ball at Clarke, but it missed the blonde by an inch, and Arkadia erupted into cheers when Clarke passed home.

Lexa continued to race after her, elated and in slight shock that her team had won. Arkadia had actually won. The minute she joined her teammates, she was enveloped in a hug by Anya, Emori quickly joining in, and Lexa squeezed them tight.

"Nice kick, Lexa," Emori praised, and Lexa simply nodded in thanks.

When they all released their grips on each other, Lexa noticed Octavia bouncing excitedly towards her. "That was fantastic, Lexa." Octavia threw her arms around the other brunette excitedly. "We won."

"I know," Lexa said, shaking her head a bit. "I still can't believe it."

When Octavia pulled back, Lexa accepted a high five from a grinning Raven. Before either girl could say anything, Lexa noticed that Clarke was running towards her, and green eyes widened when the blond girl jumped. Thankfully, Lexa recovered quickly and caught the girl in her arms, accepting a deep kiss from her girlfriend. Although the kiss wasn't very heated, it was definitely a step up from the chaste kisses that the two girls had become used to.

"You were amazing out there, Lexa," Clarke murmured against her lips, hands cupping the sides of Lexa's face. "I love you so much right now."

"I love you, too, Clarke," Lexa said, breathless. "You didn't do too bad out there yourself."

Lexa's eyes widened again when Clarke grabbed her ponytail to gently pull her head to the side before pressing her lips to Lexa's neck. It took everything Lexa had not to moan as she pushed Clarke's face further against her.

Lexa was pulled away from her girlfriend when she felt someone yank her ponytail a lot harder than she knew Clarke would, and she was lucky that she didn't drop the other girl as she panicked slightly. She gently lowered Clarke back down to the ground, taking comfort from hooded blue eyes as she turned around to see Raven. She rubbed at the back of her head, wishing that the other girl hadn't yanked so hard. "What was that for?"

"That was to stop you two lovebirds from being so gross in front of everyone. No one wants to see that." Raven pulled a face, but Lexa could still see the amusement in her eyes.

Lexa grumbled under her breath, about to respond when she saw Gustus handing Octavia the Polis Kickball Cup, Arkadia taking it from Mount Weather. The Mount Weather team looked disappointed, but Maya and Harper didn't seem to mind. Both of them had already joined the Arkadia team to give their congratulations. Lexa found that she could not take her eyes off of the Cup, and she couldn't wait to see what it would look like displayed in the front hall of their house.

* * *

When the Arkadia team finally got back to their house, there was lots of excited screaming as they gathered around the pedestal in the center of the front hall. Bellamy removed the vase that normally resided there and placed it next to the staircase while Octavia and Lincoln adjusted the Cup in the center. Lexa had to bite back a squeal at how great it looked, squeezing Clarke's hip excitedly. The blonde leaned into her touch, and Lexa placed a quick kiss to the side of her girlfriend's head before turning her attention up again when Indra swept into the room.

"What's going on?" Indra's brows were furrowed, confused as to what all of the commotion was about. Her eyes widened immensely when they landed on the Cup that was now on full display in the center of the hallway. "Is that…you guys did it. I am so proud of you."

Lexa watched on as Indra pulled her nephew into a hug, moving on to hug Octavia afterwards, and making her way around until she had given everyone a hug, letting all of the residents know how proud of them she was. When Indra finished her rounds, she gestured to the living room, clearly about to suggest they all sit down in there for a while so she could hear about the tournament, but Mr. Kane chose that very moment to appear at the top of the stairs.

"How did we do?" he asked as he began to descend them.

"We won!" Octavia bounced up and down with excitement.

"Great work, Arkadia." He gave the students a warm smile. "I hope you're ready to tell me all about it."

"Well, we were all really nervous to begin with, and we were paired against Desert House, but once the game started…" Octavia began to tell the tale of their victory as the twelve of them moved into the living room. Lexa plopped down onto the couch next to Clarke, smiling brightly when the blonde leaned into her, and wrapped an arm around her waist. Everyone was just as excited as Octavia was, and the members of the house could not keep themselves from jumping into the tale many times throughout.

"And then, Lexa stepped up to the plate. The fate of the game was on her shoulders," Octavia said in an overly dramatic fashion. "Keenan rolled the ball to her, and she kicked it clean over everyone else's heads."

"I sprinted through the home base, then," Emori butted in, "but when I looked back, Clarke was making a dash for home behind me."

"Maya had caught the ball, and everyone was on edge as she threw it at Clarke," Raven said.

"But it missed her by the smallest sliver." Octavia held up her thumb and pointer finger to demonstrate, a tiny space in between them. "Then, Clarke raced through home, declaring us the winners."

Excited chatter broke out at the end of their epic tale, and it didn't die down for a good two minutes.

"As I've said, I am quite proud of you," Indra said. "You guys just relax in here, and I'll prepare a celebratory feast."

The students cheered as she rushed off to the kitchen, and Kane stood shortly after. "I have some work to do in my office before dinner. Excellent work today."

A calming quiet settled over the room, and Lexa relaxed further into the couch, wearing a pleased smile. She hadn't been this happy in quite some time. It had felt great to win the Cup today, and it felt even better to be sitting on this couch with her girlfriend, surrounded by all of her friends that she loved so much.

Lexa knew that the silence wouldn't last too long with this group of people, and she wasn't surprised when Raven broke it after a few minutes. "We should probably start studying for our finals soon. The first two are on Wednesday."

Lexa nodded reluctantly. She had forgotten all about finals in the excitement that was brought about by the tournament, and she didn't exactly want to be reminded right now. Raven was right, though. The school had given them the day off tomorrow to prepare for finals, but Lexa groaned internally at the thought that she would be taking tests for three days after that.

"Don't bring that up, Raven," Emori complained. "Nobody want to think about finals right now. I'm just gonna pretend you never said that."

"More importantly, the end of semester dance is on Friday," Octavia was quick to say. "Choosing an outfit for that is way more important than studying."

Raven scowled at her roommate, and Lincoln quickly jumped in before any bickering could start. "Raven's right, O. Studying is probably more important than your outfit to the dance, considering that you'd look good in anything."

Lexa nodded in appreciation of Lincoln's smoothness. She wished that she could be that quick-witted with Clarke. He had managed to compliment Raven and Octavia at the same time, and stop an argument from breaking out. That was a feat in itself, what with how stubborn the two girls were.

As Lexa looked around at all of these people that she was now friends with either again or for the first time, she realized that this was their last week together before the break. For the first time, she realized that she was going to miss these people in the month that they had off from school. She had gotten so used to seeing them every day and loving every minute of it. It was going to be weird for her to go so long without seeing any of her friends even once.

"I can't believe that this is our last week together," Lexa said her thoughts aloud, filling the void that had been created in the conversation.

"You're making it sound like it's our last week together ever. We still have a whole nother semester, silly," Anya pointed out. "Most of you have even longer than that."

"It'll still be weird not seeing you guys for so long after living with you every day." Lexa looked down at her lap.

"I understand what you mean," Raven said. "It's always hard being away from you guys."

While getting the opportunity to go to a top boarding school like Polis was great, being apart over breaks was certainly a downfall. Most of them lived in different states, so it would be really difficult for them all to meet up over the holidays. Lexa knew that Anya and Emori lived in the state of Virginia, where Polis was located, and so did Lincoln, but they all lived hours away from the school. Jasper and Monty were from Ohio. Lexa knew that they had come to the school together, having been best friends since kindergarten. She herself was from North Carolina, and she knew that Bellamy and Octavia were from the same state. She was pretty sure that Raven was from Delaware, and Clarke was from…it was in that moment that Lexa realized that she didn't actually know where Clarke was from and hence, where she would be spending winter break. The thought scared her a tiny bit, and she wondered how on earth she had not thought to ask before.

"Clarke, where exactly is it that you live?" she asked.

Many other heads turned to look questioningly at Clarke, and Lexa realized that this was a question that no one knew the answer to. Clarke looked slightly surprised, as if she hadn't even realized that she had never mentioned where she lived before. Lexa understood though. It was tied to her past, and that was something that Clarke just didn't want to think about.

Lexa was shocked at the fact that she had agreed so easily to spend the break with Clarke when she didn't even know where it was that she would be going. As long as Clarke was there, she didn't really care. She knew that showed some big commitment on her part.

Clarke turned to Lexa with a sheepish grin, and Lexa thought that she could detect a hint of regret, or maybe doubt, in blue eyes. "New York. Right there in the city. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before." Clarke's eyes fell down to her lap. "I know that the city is loud and crowded and really overwhelming. I didn't even think about that when I asked you. I'll understand if you want to back out."

Lexa shook her head, allowing a small smile to play out on her lips. "No, it's fine. I'd actually kind of love to see the city, and there's no one I'd rather see it with than you."

"Okay, what are we missing here?" Emori interrupted, clearly voicing the thoughts of everyone in the room, if the multitude of confused frowns and furrowed brows were anything to go by.

"Clarke has asked me to go home with her for the break, and I said yes," Lexa explained.

"Are you sure you'll be okay in New York?" Anya asked carefully.

Lexa resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "I'll be fine, An."

"I wish I got to go to New York," Raven mumbled, and Clarke laughed.

"Maybe you can come and visit over the summer," she suggested.

"Well, I hope that the Griffin family is a better fit for you," Anya told Lexa.

"Something tells me they will be," Lexa answered, looking at Clarke with love-struck green eyes.

"Just don't forget to keep in touch, okay?" Anya looked pointedly at the two roommates, and Lexa stuck out her tongue.

"Don't get all emotional yet, you guys," Octavia chided. "We still have one more week together before we're split up for the break, and I vote that we make it a kickass one. I know studying for finals isn't exactly the funnest thing in the world, but we can study together for the classes that we are all in, and we can make a game out of it, so it doesn't get too boring. Plus, the dance is on Friday, and we all know that will be amazing, so let's not worry about the break right now."

Everyone seemed to perk up at Octavia's words, and Lexa marveled at the way that the other girl was always able to have this effect on everyone. That was, until she brought the topic of conversation right back to the original one that everyone had wanted to avoid. "So, on the topic of finals, since we have literature first, who wants to explain to me what happened in _Jane Eyre_? I could never even make it through the first few chapters."

Lexa rolled her eyes at Octavia, but she couldn't keep the smile off of her face when Clarke began to explain the book to her friend, and she was happy that _she_ could call the other girl a friend now, too. She was amazed that this blond girl, the roommate that she had vowed to hate forever, had gotten her to open up so much more than she ever had before. No one else would have ever been able to do even that, let alone crack open Lexa's hard shell and show her that losing Costia wasn't the end of the world. This only confirmed for Lexa that Clarke was her soulmate.

Because of Clarke, Lexa was now friends with each and every person in her house, and she had come to be quite close to them. She was closer to these people than she had ever remembered being to anyone else in her life, save Costia, and she was glad that Clarke had gotten her to see reason. The blonde had been right, of course. About everything. Costia would want Lexa to be happy. Costia would be happy to see Lexa being friends with all of these people that they used to know.

Lexa may have wanted nothing to do with Clarke at first, but now she was so glad that the blonde had come into her life. Because of Clarke, Lexa finally had the one thing that she had always wanted. The one thing she had always thought that she would never have.

A family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it! I'm sorry that there wasn't as much Clexa in this chapter, but I wanted to include the kickball tournament, and I wanted the focus of this chapter to be more about the bond between the housemates. Also, as you might have noticed by now, this story is going to be ending quite soon. I am planning on having two more chapters, so I hope that you will all enjoy the way that I decide to end this! Thank you to everyone who is still reading this story, and thank you all for the over a thousand kudos that this story has reached. I never thought that I would actually get there. You guys are all so amazing <3


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, Clexakru, I just wanted to let you guys know that I may be a few days late with updating next week. I will be on vacation this week, so I will not have as much time to write, and Sunday is Christmas, so it might be difficult for me to post on that day. That being said, I will still try my best to post on time, but I just wanted to give you guys the heads up that that might not be possible. Anyways, I hope you enjoy the new chapter!

After curling her hair to perfection, Lexa went downstairs with Anya to join their friends, who were most likely waiting on them. The members of Arkadia House all wanted to go to the dance together, and Lexa knew that there were probably a few members who were now regretting that they had ever wanted such a thing. Anya had been helping Lexa get ready, and the brunette finally felt satisfied with the way that her hair looked, even if it was just hanging loosely over her right shoulder. She hoped that her housemates were not too upset with her for probably being the last one to join them.

"Hey, guys," Raven greeted when the two of them entered the living room. "Are you finally ready to go?"

"Yes, but it appears that Clarke is still getting dressed," Lexa noticed, not seeing her girlfriend anywhere in the room.

Raven groaned in annoyance. "Oh, I know. She and Octavia have been upstairs for ages. They're taking forever."

Lexa just chuckled, sharing an amused glance with Lincoln. Clearly, neither of them minded that their girlfriends were taking what was obviously a little too long for Raven's liking. Lexa was fine with waiting. She was honestly just excited that she was even getting to go to this dance with Clarke at all. Lexa might not be the best dancer, but that did nothing to dull her enthusiasm, and she knew that her girlfriend wouldn't care either. A night spent together was more than enough for the both of them.

As the brunette looked around the room, she noticed that she and Lincoln, and probably Anya, seemed to be the only ones who were fine with waiting a bit longer before heading over to the dance. Emori was chattering excitedly to Anya, clearly more than ready to go, and Raven looked like she was about ready to storm out the door. Bellamy was trying to calm his girlfriend down a bit, but even he was looking antsy. It was at that moment that Lexa realized that Clarke and Octavia weren't the only ones missing from the group downstairs.

"Where are Jasper and Monty?" she asked. "Are they still getting ready as well?"

"No. They went to Mount Weather because they wanted to pick up Maya and Harper and bring them here," Lincoln explained.

"Yeah. They left like half an hour ago," Raven complained. "They'll be back any minute now, and Clarke and Octavia will never even know they were gone. You and Anya almost didn't know either."

"Well, some of us actually want to look good for our dates," Lexa teased, and Raven stuck out her tongue, cracking a smile.

The girl was about to say something back when she was interrupted by the front door opening, and Maya and Harper wandered in with their boyfriends.

"I guess we get to stare longingly at the Cup now whenever we come to visit you," Harper teased.

"That's right." Monty kissed her cheek. "And we're never giving it back."

"We'll see about that."

Lexa's eyes were drawn away from the conversation by Maya pulling her into a hug. She stiffened at first, but she soon relaxed and returned it, glad that it was not a tight one.

"Are you still doing alright, Lexa?" Maya asked when she pulled away.

"I'm doing great, actually," Lexa informed her. "I'm really excited to be going to the dance."

Maya smiled brightly. "I am, too. It's good to hear that you and Clarke are back together again."

"It feels good to be back with her." Lexa eyed the ground. "I was stupid to ever think letting her go was a good idea in the first place."

"We all make mistakes, Lexa," Maya said, placing a gentle hand on the brunette's arm and drawing green eyes back up to her own. "What happened in the past doesn't matter anymore. It's all about what we do to fix it."

Lexa nodded gratefully. She certainly understood that, after everything that she had been through in her life, and she was glad to hear that the other girl thought that there was still hope for her. She was finally starting to believe that, too. "Thanks, Maya."

Before she could say another word, voices were heard from the hallway, and Lexa was made speechless by the sight of Clarke descending the staircase with Octavia behind her.

"Finally," Raven muttered, following Lexa's gaze, but Lexa almost didn't even hear her.

Even if Lexa had been annoyed with Clarke for taking so long, she would have forgotten all about it the moment that she saw the blonde. Now, she knew exactly why Clarke had insisted on getting ready in Octavia's room today. She had wanted to surprise Lexa. Clarke was wearing a beautiful blue silk gown that really accentuated the color of her eyes, and her hair was styled in an elaborate bun behind her head. Lexa couldn't help but notice how the dress was especially form-fitting in the breast area, and there was an ample amount of cleavage showing.

A shove from Anya brought Lexa to her senses, and she quickly brought her eyes back up to her roommate's face before they could darken past the point of no return. She hurried over to the bottom of the stairs to meet her girlfriend, holding out her arm for Clarke, who gratefully took it as she descended the last few stairs.

"You look beautiful." Lexa didn't even want to know how love-struck she looked right now.

"You look pretty good yourself." Clarke raked her eyes up and down Lexa's body, which was clad in a one-shoulder black satin dress, before bringing them back up to meet Lexa's with a smile.

Lexa was about to lean in for a quick kiss when Indra emerged from the laundry room. "Oh, my goodness. You all look so lovely tonight."

Everyone thanked her, and Indra was quick to say, "Let me go get my camera, and I'll take pictures of everyone."

"Do we have to?" Raven whined.

"Come on, Rae. Don't you want to remember this night forever?" Octavia asked.

Raven rolled her eyes, mumbling something about how they had these dances every semester, but she did not complain anymore. First, Indra took pictures of all of the couples, and Lexa smiled brightly as she posed with Clarke. She wondered how on earth such a beautiful girl could love her, and she knew that she was beyond lucky to be able to call this blond girl hers. She held Clarke tighter and smiled brighter as the camera flashed.

After their couples photos, Indra took one of the whole group and then a silly one, of course. Lexa stuck her tongue out and went cross-eyed, and Clarke held bunny ears behind the brunette's head while wearing a duck face.

When they were finally on their way to the dance, the entire group talked excitedly, and Lexa just clung to Clarke's hand as they walked over to the school gymnasium. They entered the huge space to hear fast-paced music, and once Emori met up with her own boyfriend, the entire group of friends began jumping around excitedly. Lexa was dancing with Clarke at first, but soon everyone was intermingling, and Lexa found herself being spun to so many people that she didn't even know who she was dancing with anymore. The crowd of bodies pressing against Lexa didn't even bother her at all, and she knew that it was because these people had become like siblings to her. She was completely comfortable around all of them, and that was saying something, considering that she hadn't wanted anything to do with any of them at the beginning of the year.

After about an hour had gone by, the group decided to take a break and head over to grab drinks, all of them getting large cups of fruit punch and drinking them dry within seconds. Lexa grabbed a second cup and then walked around the food area, trying to decide on something that she might like to snack on. The first thing that she noticed were buffalo chicken wings, and she thought what an odd food item that was to have at a dance. It wasn't that Lexa didn't like buffalo chicken. She just did not want to get it on her dress, and she knew that someone most likely would by the end of the night.

It turned out that someone got the sauce on their dress a lot sooner than Lexa had anticipated, and that someone was Raven. Lexa turned her head up from the pretzels that she was munching on when she heard the sound of Raven's slightly embarrassed voice. "I accidentally got buffalo sauce on my dress."

Of course, the girl's dress was white, and Lexa just laughed as she grabbed a napkin, running some water from one of the jugs onto it. "Hold still, Raven."

"Do you think you're gonna be able to get it out?" the other girl asked hopefully.

Lexa started scrubbing small circles over the spot near Raven's collarbone, trying her best not to make the stain even larger. "I should be able to get some of it out, but I don't know about all of it. That's more of a job for Indra."

Raven nodded as Lexa continued her work until the spot looked as good as it was going to get. The orange had faded considerably, and Lexa was proud of her work, even though it hadn't come out completely.

"There you go." Lexa backed away and focused her eyes on Raven's. "It's not nearly as noticeable now."

"Thank you, Lexa," Raven said appreciatively. She paused, looking as if she wanted to say more, so Lexa patiently waited for her to gather her thoughts or decide not to say anything else. Raven continued after a few more seconds. "I'm really glad that we became friends this year. You're not nearly as bad as I thought you were."

"You're not so bad yourself," Lexa returned with a small smile.

Before Raven could say anything else, Octavia came over with a plate of chocolate fondue. "You guys should try the chocolate fountain. It tastes amazing."

Raven's eyes sparked with excitement. "Chocolate fountain? Where?"

Octavia pointed in the direction that she had come from. Raven was about to run off towards the fountain when Lexa caught her arm to stop her. "Be careful this time. You don't need a chocolate stain to match the one from the buffalo sauce."

"Yes, Mother." Raven rolled her eyes before her face broke out in a grin. "I promise I'll be extra careful this time."

"She won't," Octavia said as soon as her roommate was out of earshot.

Lexa nodded in agreement. "I'll get another napkin ready."

* * *

After a brief stint at the chocolate fountain with Octavia and Raven, (by some miracle, Raven had managed to keep her dress chocolate-free), Lexa headed back out to the dance floor in search of Clarke. She spotted the blonde talking to Bellamy while they danced around a bit, so both Lexa and Raven headed that way as Octavia went off in search of Lincoln. Clarke caught her girlfriend's eye and shot her a sweet smile. "What's up, guys?"

"We were at the chocolate fountain," Raven announced.

"What's that on your dress?" Bellamy asked his girlfriend.

Raven spun around to face Lexa. "I thought you said it wasn't noticeable."

"I said it was less noticeable than it would have been if I had not tried to wipe it off," Lexa corrected her.

Clarke just chuckled. "Why am I not surprised? It was the buffalo chicken wings, wasn't it?"

The opening bars of the first slow song of the night saved Raven from answering as she quickly pulled Bellamy away to dance with her. Lexa extended her hand to Clarke, raising an eyebrow in question. The blonde smiled brightly, but before she could make any move to accept the outstretched hand, Anya cut in. "May I have this dance, Lexa?"

Lexa looked warily at both of the girls in front of her. She honestly didn't mind sharing the dance with Anya, knowing that there would be many more slow songs to come, but Lexa wanted to make sure that Clarke wouldn't be upset that she was spending the song with her best friend instead. Clarke didn't seem to mind at all, waving her off as she went to whisk Octavia right out from underneath Lincoln's nose. Lexa laughed, glad that her girlfriend didn't seem to be disappointed in the slightest. She turned her gaze back to Anya then, focusing on the girl in front of her as she clasped her hand and rested her free hand on the other girl's shoulder.

"Why did you want to dance with me, Anya?" Lexa asked with a mischievous smirk. "Is this your way of telling me that you wish to steal me away from Clarke?"

"Don't you wish?" Anya said smugly. "I have no wish to ever see you naked, Lexa. Believe me. The reason I asked you to dance is so that I could get you away from Clarke. That way, you can do that thing that you wanted to do while she's distracted? Or have you chickened out?"

"Oh." Lexa's eyes widened when she realized that she had almost forgotten, and she was extremely grateful for her best friend right then. "Of course, I haven't chickened out. I almost forgot, that's all."

Anya thumped her on the forehead. "What kind of girlfriend are you?"

Lexa shot her a smirk. "The kind that you wish you had."

"Yeah, right," Anya scoffed.

They danced closer to the DJ station, splitting when they lost sight of Clarke, and Lexa quickly went over to put in her song request. The DJ was very kind, letting her know that that would be the next song, and then Lexa returned to her dance partner. "The song's up next. Thank you for reminding me of that. And for providing the distraction, of course."

"Anytime," Anya told her. "I'm just glad that you've finally gotten your head out of your ass and started treating Clarke right again. That girl is so fucking good for you."

Not long ago, Lexa would've argued that it didn't matter because she wasn't good for the blonde, but now she thought that maybe she could be. She knew that she wasn't always good for Clarke now, but that was why she was so determined to put her shit in the past where it belonged. She was intent on becoming good for Clarke, and she was proud to think that she was well on her way.

"I think that Clarke is the best thing that's ever happened to me, An," Lexa said. "I want to be better for her. Even if I'm hard to deal with every once in a while, I know that Clarke will be patient with me because she cares about me. I mean, Costia loved me, too, but there's just something about Clarke. It's hard for me to explain it." Lexa struggled to find the right words. "She's just…she's special."

"Okay, I may not know Clarke half as well as you do, but I can agree that she's special. That girl loves you, and she's willing to do anything for you. She's a keeper, Lexa. Don't let her go again."

"I won't. I was stupid to ever even think that could possibly be a good idea."

The two of them fell into silence then, enjoying the other's company as the song played on. A few more seconds went by before Lexa spoke again. "I'm going to miss you nest year. I really wish that you never had to leave."

"I do, too, Lexie," Anya said, using a nickname that she hadn't used since freshman year. She continued on, regardless of the surprised green eyes that were now fixed upon her. "But don't worry about it. We still have another semester together. It's not like I'm graduating right away."

"I know," Lexa said softly, "but a semester is not a very long time. What happens after it's over?"

"Most likely, I'll go to Polis University, just like almost everyone else who graduates from this school does. If you decide to go there, too, then we'll only be apart for a year," Anya said simply. "If, for some reason, that doesn't work out, I have also applied to NYU, where I could see you and Clarke anytime you decide to stay at her house. Besides, I will definitely be coming back to this school some to visit Emori, and I suppose I might be able to make some time for you during those visits."

Lexa smiled widely, and she thought, for what felt like the millionth time this week, that she was so grateful that Clarke had brought her to her senses at the beginning of this year. If the blonde had just left her alone, then Lexa would have wasted yet another semester of her limited time with her best friend, and she didn't want that. What she wanted was to make every minute of next semester count, and she also wanted Anya to know how much she meant to her, even if it felt a little sappy. "I love you, Anya."

"Love you, too, kid."

Lexa raised surprised green eyes on her best friend for the second time that night. She had thought that Anya would brush her off and make a joke about it, maybe say something about how Clarke might get jealous if Lexa kept saying stuff like that. However, the older girl said nothing of the sort, and Lexa knew that her best friend was feeling the imminent possibility of their separation as much as she was. Anya was never this open about her feelings.

Lexa rested her head against her best friend's shoulder for the short remainder of the song, wanting to just take a moment and feel close to this girl who was so important to her. She smiled when she felt Anya's head lean against her own.

When the next song started, the moment was broken because Lexa needed to hurry up and find Clarke. She pulled back from her best friend, still wearing that smile on her face, and Anya nudged her off in the direction that they had last seen Clarke. "Go get your girl."

Lexa found Clarke already looking for her, and she quickly grabbed the girl's hand, twirling her around before pulling her body right up against her own. Clarke giggled happily, and Lexa smiled even wider at the sound that she would never tire of hearing. She wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's waist then, pulling her impossibly closer, and the blonde gave her a knowing look. "You asked them to play this, didn't you?"

"Maybe," Lexa said, her lips pulling up a little further. Her face turned pink at the fact that Clarke had figured it out so quickly. She supposed it was probably pretty obvious, though.

"Is this becoming our song now?" Clarke asked curiously.

"Only if you want it to."

"I do." Clarke pressed a happy kiss to Lexa's lips, their teeth clashing because of their wide smiles, but neither girl seemed to mind.

The song, of course, was Taylor Swift's "Begin Again," and Lexa could tell that Clarke was as happy as she was that they were getting a chance to dance to it properly, on a dance floor, rather than pressed between a crowd of people at a concert. Lexa reveled in the feeling of Clarke against her, wishing that she could stay in this moment for all of eternity.

At the constant feeling of their chests pressed together, Lexa found it hard not to glance down at her girlfriend's cleavage. When she finally allowed herself to look, thinking that one glance could not do any harm, she found herself pressing kisses to the tops of the other girl's breasts before she could even think to stop herself. Only when she lifted her head and saw Clarke's shocked expression did she realize what she had done. Her entire face flushed red, and her smile fell away.

"I am so sorry, Clarke. I—"

She was cut off by the feeling of the blonde's lips pressing against hers, and she melted into the kiss, forgetting her embarrassment since Clarke clearly was not mad about it. Once Clarke had pulled away, Lexa's eyes fluttered open at the lack of contact to see Clarke looking at her with a smug smirk. "It must be hard on you, having to keep your hands off my boobs, huh?"

Lexa hadn't even thought it was possible for her to blush harder than she had been a few moments ago, but she quickly found that it was. Clarke was right about that. Not being able to touch the blond girl's boobs was torture for Lexa, but she wasn't going to complain about it. Obviously, she shouldn't be touching Clarke there if they were taking things slow. However, she now found it hard to keep her eyes away from the one place that they shouldn't be. She cleared her throat before finally forcing her eyes back up onto Clarke's.

"Maybe one little squeeze would help," Lexa said hoarsely.

"Tonight," Clarke promised. "If you're good."

Lexa let out a laugh as she gripped Clarke tighter. "I will be on my very best behavior, then."

She may have tried to joke a bit, but god, was she serious. She would do anything for just a little squeeze of Clarke's breasts. She had missed them so much in the past few weeks. But she would never touch Clarke without her permission, would never even ask for permission when Clarke had requested to take things slow. She didn't want her girlfriend to feel pressured into doing anything with Lexa before she was ready to. One little squeeze wouldn't hurt, though, would it?

"How was your dance with Anya?" Clarke asked, drawing Lexa's mind back to the present.

"Good. I suppose that you know by now that she asked to dance with me so that I could put in my song request." Clarke nodded, and Lexa continued. "It was still a nice dance, though. I'm going to miss her after next semester. I don't want her to leave, and I don't want you to leave either."

"You still have three more semesters with me." Clarke smiled warmly at the thought. "Even after we graduate, I won't pass up the chance to go to the same college as you. It would be weird for us not to be roommates, and if I think that's weird now, I can't even imagine what it will feel like after we've lived together for three more semesters."

"But what if we don't both get accepted to the school we choose?" Lexa asked. "What if we end up going to different schools anyway?"

"Then, we'll find a way to make it work," Clarke said honestly. "I'm in this for the long run, Lexa, and I'm not going to give you up just because I don't get to see you very often. I love you, and you're stuck with me until you don't want me anymore."

"Then, you are stuck with me as well," Lexa said with a playful grin, "because I will always want you."

The two girls fell silent then as they swayed to the music. Lexa wished that the song would go on forever, but it was already approaching the last refrain. Dancing with Clarke to this song felt so right, and Lexa vowed that she would always request the song at every single dance she went to for the rest of her life, even if Clarke was no longer there to share it with her. She trusted that the blonde had meant it, though, when she had said that she was in this for the long run, so Lexa didn't think that she would ever have to worry about dancing to this song alone.

Lexa began to sing that last refrain to her girlfriend, unable to stop herself. Clearly, Clarke had had the same idea because she opened her mouth at the same time that Lexa did. The two of them danced and sang the song to each other, lost in their own little world, just as they had on that one perfect night.

* * *

When Clarke and Lexa entered their room that night, all that the brunette could think about was whether or not her roommate was going to make good on that promise that she had made to her at the dance. It was already midnight (Mr. Kane had extended curfew because of the dance), and Lexa was feeling tired, but she couldn't really bring herself to want to fall asleep. She felt a twinge of sadness that her last night together with her housemates was over, but she pushed it to the back of her mind, knowing that they would all be together next semester. She wanted to just focus on being with Clarke now.

Lexa knew that the two of them should probably start packing their stuff up, as they had to be out of the house by three tomorrow, but she couldn't bring herself to care. All that she wanted was to touch Clarke's breasts, the sight of them in that dress only making her all the more aroused. It had been almost two months since she had last been allowed to touch her favorite part of Clarke's body, and she would be fine with not even having sex, not going any further at all, if she could just—

"Lex, before we do anything else, I got you something, and I want to give it to you." Clarke broke Lexa out of her thoughts, causing green eyes to rise from her chest.

Lexa's cheeks flushed a faint shade of pink. "You didn't have to get me anything."

"I wanted to. I helped Octavia and Raven pick out something for their boyfriends, and I wanted to get something for you. Besides, everyone tells me that it's basically tradition to get your significant other a gift for after the dance, and we're dating, so." Clarke broke off, taking a deep breath. "I'm going to stop rambling now and just give it to you."

Clarke pulled something out from under her bed and handed it to her girlfriend. Lexa looked down at it, tearing off the snowman wrapping paper to reveal a candle from the Yankee Candle store. Peppermint Swirl. Lexa's eyes lit up the moment that she saw it, and she had to stop herself from ripping off the lid and inhaling deep breaths of the scent. She hadn't had a candle since…well, it had been way too long since she had last owned a candle.

She wondered who told Clarke about her love for candles. She supposed that it could have just been a lucky pick, but she suspected that Anya probably had something to do with it. She wished that she could light her new treasure right away, but she knew that the house had a policy against lighting candles, so she supposed that she could wait another day or two. She forced herself to put the candle down on her nightstand and reach into the drawer because she had gotten Clarke a gift, too. She only hoped that her girlfriend would like it.

Clarke tore off the reindeer wrapping paper with ease, her eyes widening in shock when they fell upon the item that was inside. Lexa was silent, waiting for Clarke to respond, but she didn't for several moments. Instead, tears began to fall from Clarke's eyes as she turned them back up to meet Lexa's, looking between the girl in front of her and the item in the box several times. It was the picture frame that Lexa had smashed on Clarke's first day at Polis, painstakingly glued back together, with the picture of the blonde and her father taking up residence again in the center.

"You fixed it?" Blue eyes were shining with more love than Lexa had ever seen in them.

Lexa nodded. "Well, Anya helped me, but it was my idea. That's what we were doing when you were getting ready with Octavia. I was a little afraid that you were going to come in and see us because the glue was taking forever to dry, but you and Octavia took even longer."

Clarke chuckled a bit, but her eyes remained wide. Lexa thought that the blonde liked the gift, but she wanted to be absolutely sure. "Do you like it? I thought about getting you a new one, but I figured that you would probably rather have the exact one that you gave to your dad. I tried to make it perfect, but I know you can still see the cracks. I found an exact replica online, though, so I can order that one, if you want me to."

Lexa's answer came in the form of a searing kiss, Clarke forcing her tongue into the brunette's mouth. Lexa stiffened in surprise for a moment. The two of them hadn't used tongue since the night of the concert. For the past three weeks, they had kept their kisses closed-mouthed and chaste.

Lexa quickly sunk into the kiss and returned it, her heart on fire from the feeling of her tongue exploring Clarke's mouth once again. She thought, with a bit of embarrassment, that she might be about to come from this feeling alone.

Growling, lost in the heat of the moment, Clarke bit down hard on Lexa's bottom lip. A stinging sensation came over the lip, and Lexa let out a strangled sound that was somewhere between a grunt of pain and a moan. Clarke pulled back immediately at the sound of her girlfriend's discomfort, and Lexa was surprised when she saw Clarke licking blood off her teeth.

"I'm sorry," Clarke said sheepishly, handing Lexa a tissue to hold to her lip. "I didn't mean to hurt you. It's just, well, I've wanted to bite on your lip for so long, and I guess I got a bit carried away."

"It's okay," Lexa panted, dabbing at her lip to gather up the blood. She honestly didn't even feel much pain from the area, and all she wanted was for Clarke's lips to be back against her own.

"We should probably put some ice on it," Clarke said with a frown.

Lexa shook her head, tossing the tissue into her wastebasket as she pressed her lips against Clarke's again. Now that they had started, she didn't want to stop. She knew that they were still supposed to be taking things slow, but she was finding it harder and harder to abide by that rule. That was why she almost screamed in frustration when Clarke moved away again. The blonde didn't go far, and Lexa fought to keep herself in check, keeping her lips away from Clarke's when the blonde's forehead settled against hers.

"You were right about the picture frame, Lexa," Clarke murmured. "I do want the original one because it was the one that I gave to my dad, but I want it even more now because you were the one who glued it back together. Every time I look at the photo, I'll be reminded of him, but then I'll see the cracks and think of you."

Lexa hung her head, not seeing how that could possibly be a good thing. "You'll be reminded that I broke it. I'm really sorry I ever did that in the first place."

Clarke was already shaking her head. "No. I'll be reminded that you took the time and put in the effort to glue every piece of it back together." Clarke reached out to cup her girlfriend's cheek, and Lexa slowly let her green eyes wander back up to the blonde's face. "I like the cracks, Lexa. I remember reading once that everything is cracked and that's how the light gets in. We are each other's light, LW. We fill each other's cracks."

Lexa looked up at her roommate with a bit of awe in her eyes when she realized how true that statement was. Whenever either of them broke down or "cracked," the other was always there to pick up the pieces and glue them back together as best they could.

Clarke reached out to grab Lexa's hands, and the brunette smiled when Clarke brought them to hover over her chest. "I believe I owe you something."

Lexa fought the urge to just reach out and squeeze hard. She wanted to make sure that the blonde actually wanted this, too. "Are you sure?"

Clarke nodded, and Lexa could read the truthfulness in her eyes. "Yes. Squeeze. Knead. Anything you want to. You're allowed to touch me."

"Wait, touch you, as in have my way with your chest or have my way with you?" Lexa wondered if she was pushing too far for asking such a thing.

Clarke paused, considering this for a moment before she finally released a breath and answered the question that Lexa was dying to hear the answer to. "We've been taking things slow for long enough now."

Lexa reached out with a smile on her face and grabbed two handfuls of breast, squeezing hard and wanting nothing more than to rip off that beautiful blue dress so that she could take the nipples into her mouth. Not wanting to move too fast, she simply kneaded the breasts with her hands, reveling in the feeling and watching the movement that her hands created. Clarke moaned, and Lexa could tell that she was trying hard to give the brunette as much time with her breasts as she could.

Before she knew it, Lexa was being flipped onto her back, and she whined at having her contact with those beautiful breasts cut off, moaning as they pressed against her own. Lexa didn't complain though, lying out on her back without protest because she was really fine with it by now. She knew that her girlfriend always liked to start out on top. Sometimes, it was hard to get Clarke to lie out on her back at all. Lexa thought that this was probably going to be one of those nights.

Clarke kissed Lexa roughly, Lexa's lip stinging a bit from the bite, but she barely even noticed as their tongues clashed together. Clarke reached underneath Lexa to unzip her dress, and the brunette arched her back, giving her girlfriend easier access. The minute that the zipper was down, Clarke was pushing the dress off of Lexa's shoulders to get access to the brunette's breasts. Lexa made a whining sound that she was not at all proud of when Clarke trailed her tongue along the bit of Lexa's cleavage that she could get at while the other girl was still wearing a bra.

Lexa moaned loudly when she felt her roommate's thigh push in between her legs. She immediately thrusted her hips to rub herself against Clarke, and she did not miss the blonde's smile of satisfaction. The smile was followed by a quick shiver, probably at the feeling of Lexa's wetness against her thigh.

Clarke quickly removed Lexa's bra, pulling a nipple into her mouth and running her tongue roughly over the hardening nub. Lexa picked up her pace, frantically rubbing herself back and forth against her girlfriend's thigh and hoping that she might get off on dry humping alone. Clarke probably picked up on the fact that Lexa's cries were getting louder because she removed her leg from in between Lexa's right before the brunette could climax. Lexa let out a long and pitiful whine.

"Calm down, LW." Clarke chuckled. "I'll take care of you…eventually."

"Clarke, I need this now," Lexa pleaded, more worked up than she thought she had ever been before. Clarke ignored her though, pressing their lips back together to cut off any further protests.

Lexa felt herself near tears. She had been so close to reaching her climax, and she had not had an orgasm in so long. If she weren't so worked up right now, she might have played along and allowed her girlfriend to do whatever it was that she wanted, but Lexa was desperate. She hoped that Clarke would not notice as she snaked her hand down to where she needed it the most.

Lexa growled in frustration when Clarke caught her hand right before it could disappear underneath her dress. Clarke pulled back and simply smirked at the other girl before leaning down to kiss her again, pinning Lexa's wrists above her head. Lexa immediately tensed up at the action, wrenching her hands free as a gut reaction to the firm grip, her heart instantly racing. Her chin and wrists were her most sensitive areas because her stepdad always used to grab her by one or the other before a beating, and she tried her best to calm down as Clarke immediately pulled back to straddle her. Blue eyes filled with concern. "I'm sorry, Lexa. I forgot."

"You're fine, Clarke," Lexa assured as her heart rate returned to normal. "I may not like being restrained by my wrists, but if that is something you like, then I can try it on you."

She blushed when her roommate moaned in response, getting the feel that this was something that Clarke would enjoy very much. It surprised her since Clarke was the more dominant one in bed, and it made Lexa feel apologetic that she could not allow the blonde to do it to her. "I'm sorry, Clarke. I didn't mean to disappoint you."

"Hey," Clarke said, looking as if she was going to reach down and grab Lexa's chin to bring the brunette's eyes back to hers. Luckily, she stopped herself, seemingly remembering that Lexa didn't like that either, and she grabbed the brunette's shoulder instead to get her attention. Lexa obliged, bringing her eyes back up to meet Clarke's.

"It doesn't matter if you don't want to try something that I like," Clarke assured her. "If it makes you uncomfortable, then that's okay. I promise that you're not disappointing me. I couldn't possibly get joy out of something if I knew that it was torturing you."

Lexa nodded in understanding, wondering for what felt like the millionth time how on earth she had gotten so lucky as to be with Clarke. No one had ever known her this well before, saying exactly what she needed to hear and meaning every word of it.

Clarke held Lexa's gaze for one more second and then she tore the brunette's dress off, pulling her underwear off with it, all in one sweep. Lexa was slightly embarrassed at the way her legs spread open of their own accord. Clarke seemed to be aroused at the sight, though, and she instantly dove down to eat Lexa out. The brunette almost screamed when Clarke stopped inches from where she needed her and decided to blow on her hot sex instead.

"Clarke," Lexa whined, grabbing a fistful of blond hair and trying to shove her girlfriend's face against her.

"Uh, uh, uh," Clarke teased, resisting Lexa's push. "You have to say the magic word."

Lexa was too desperate to even argue this time. She needed to get off sooner rather than later. "Fucking please."

"Fucking please?" Clarke repeated in mock confusion. "I am not familiar with that term."

"Please fuck me, Clarke," Lexa whimpered.

"That a girl."

Lexa didn't even have time to be embarrassed by her behavior before Clarke's tongue was thrusting in and out of her. The brunette turned into a moaning mess as she writhed beneath her girlfriend, feeling as if moans might be the only sound that would ever leave her lips again. She began thrusting her hips in rhythm with Clarke's tongue, and it only took her a few seconds more to reach her climax. She screamed Clarke's name so loud that she was sure everyone on her floor could have heard her. She could only hope that they were all too busy with their own significant others to notice.

Clarke didn't stop once Lexa's body stilled, keeping up her thrusts to drive the brunette to another orgasm. Lexa involuntarily resumed her own thrusting in response to the other girl's motions. She briefly wondered how Clarke's tongue wasn't feeling stiff by now, but she supposed that she had come pretty quickly the first time. She came even faster the second. When Clarke's tongue didn't stop after orgasm number two, Lexa grabbed her by the hair and tugged her face away.

"Clarke, please stop it," she cried. "I can't take it anymore."

The blonde complied, lapping her tongue up Lexa's sensitive slit once more to collect any remaining juices before pulling away completely. She moved up to lie on top of Lexa again as the brunette rested for a moment, peppering kisses all over her roommate's face.

Once Lexa finally got her breathing under control, she tried to roll Clarke over, but the blonde resisted, putting her hands down on either side of Lexa's head to brace herself. Lexa looked up at her curiously, although she already knew what was coming next.

"I want to stay on top."

"But I want to play with your breasts," Lexa whined. "I want you underneath me."

Clarke contemplated this for a moment before sighing and rolling onto her back. "Fine, but my dress stays on."

Lexa looked at her in slight disbelief, but the blonde only winked at her, and Lexa supposed that this was her punishment for forcing Clarke to be on the bottom. Lexa just shrugged then, willing to accept it if she got her way. She rolled onto Clarke and pulled the blonde's dress down a bit, making quick work of disposing of the girl's bra so that she could get her mouth on those delicious nipples. Lexa was rough, leaving small bites around the smooth flesh of Clarke's soft mounds, pulling and pinching at the nipples with her fingers. After fifteen or twenty heavenly minutes, Clarke pulled Lexa back by her hair, forcing green eyes onto blue. Lexa was surprised when she wasn't bothered at all by the yanking grip, even though she thought that probably had something to do with what had previously been in her mouth.

"Lexa, enough with the breasts," Clarke pleaded. "They will still be there after I have had at least one orgasm."

"You do not like it when I play with your breasts?" Lexa teased.

"Not as much as you do," Clarke shot back. "I haven't had an orgasm in months either. I'm probably as desperate as you were. Well, maybe not that desperate."

Lexa decided to ignore the jibe. "Maybe I will give you three orgasms in a row."

Clarke visibly grimaced at the thought, but she did not argue, seemingly willing to let her girlfriend do what she wanted. Remembering their conversation from earlier, Lexa pulled Clarke's wrists above her head and pinned them there with one hand. Clarke began to struggle, but Lexa held her tightly, clearly proving to be stronger than her girlfriend when the other girl could not get free. Lexa trailed her other hand down her roommate's body, dipping it under her dress and bringing her lips to Clarke's ear to whisper in it. "Safe word is rainbow, okay? Say that, and I'll let go."

The blonde laughed at Lexa's choice of safe word, but the laugh died in her throat when Lexa winked at her before dropping her mouth back down to an irresistible breast. Before her girlfriend could complain, Lexa dipped her hand beneath the waistband of Clarke's underwear and thrust her fingers into the blonde's soft folds. She didn't even take the time to tease, wanting to keep her roommate pleased so that she could be pleased as well. Clarke started to struggle harder against Lexa's grip, clearly wanting to tangle her fingers in brown hair, but no safe word was spoken, so no hands were released. Lexa kept up her pace as she drove her girlfriend up to her climax. She considered pulling out of Clarke right before she could reach her high, to tease her, but she decided not to, wanting to give the other girl consecutive orgasms like the blonde had done to her.

Lexa was surprised when she was actually able to go through with her three-orgasm threat without any complaints from the blonde, although she could see that her roommate was practically crying by the third one. Once Clarke's body had finally stopped shaking for the third time, Lexa pulled her fingers out from the blonde's underwear and sucked them clean, feeling mighty pleased with herself. Lexa curled into Clarke's side to go to sleep, but it seemed that her girlfriend had other ideas. Clarke rolled on top of Lexa again, and the brunette gulped at the devilish smirk on her roommate's face. She shuddered in anticipation, wondering what exactly she had gotten herself into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special shout-out to user stars379 for giving me the idea for Lexa's gift to Clarke. I know that you asked for this to happen a long time ago, but I haven't forgotten. I always planned for them to have a dance at the end of the term, and it fit perfectly here, so I hope that you enjoyed it!


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas, Clexakru! As my Christmas gift to all of you, I give you this final chapter of IHYDLM. Thank you for all of the bookmarks, comments, and kudos that you guys have given me on this work, and thank you also to those who have just been reading it. You guys are all so awesome, and I don't know what I'd do without you. The fact that so many people love this story means so much to me because the story is so special to me. It has actually been my favorite story to write. I love these characters and this world, and it will be hard for me to part with it.
> 
> If you guys are really in the Christmas spirit, feel free to check out my one-shot, Underneath the Mistletoe, or my ongoing Christmas short story, Hike into My Heart. I will also be starting a new story sometime in January, so I hope to see some of you again there.
> 
> For the last time, I really hope that you enjoy the new chapter and that you find the ending of this story to be satisfying! :)

When Clarke blinked open her eyes the next morning, she was happy to see Lexa cuddled into her side, wearing absolutely no clothes. Clarke's dress had eventually found its way to the floor last night, and she found the feeling of Lexa's bare skin against hers to be refreshing. It had been way too long since they had last slept without any clothes on.

Clarke blushed when she saw what she had done to Lexa's lip. It was swollen from where Clarke had bitten it, and the blonde thought that Lexa might not be happy when she woke up and saw it. Clarke might have gotten a little carried away last night, but she hadn't been able to help herself. She had wanted to bite that lip hard for quite some time now, but she had lost control last night and bit right through the skin. It was an accident, but Clarke still felt a bit bad about it.

Continuing to kiss afterwards had probably only made it worse, and Clarke chided herself for not forcing them to stop so that she could hold some ice on it. However, they had both been in too much of a haze to care. Now, Clarke wanted to bring the swelling down, and she fully intended to put some salt water on the place where her teeth had broken the skin, knowing that that was a quick way to treat a swollen lip. At least, that's what she had done when she had busted her lip in a fight at school, shortly after her dad had passed away.

Blue eyes fixed on the photo frame that now rested on Lexa's vanity, where she had placed it last night. She smiled at the sight of her and her father back together in the very frame that she had given him, what felt like ages ago. She smiled even wider at the touch of Lexa that was now present as well. She had thought of gluing the frame back together herself, but she hadn't because she hadn't wanted to be reminded that it was cracked. Now, though, she loved the cracks. She knew that her heart would swell every time she looked at them because she would be reminded of how much Lexa loved her. Clarke's gift paled in comparison, and she wished that she had gotten Lexa something better than a stupid candle.

Clarke was pulled from her thoughts when Lexa cracked open a sleepy green eye. "Clarke, you're thinking so loud that it's woken me up. What's going on?"

"I was thinking about how much I love the gift you gave me last night," Clarke said easily. "I mean, Anya said that you would love the candle, but I wish that I had drawn you something, or that I had at least put in as much effort as you did."

"You already drew me something," Lexa reminded her. "It's beautiful, and I will keep it forever. Besides, I really do love candles, and I honestly can't wait to light the one that you gave me. Your gift was perfect."

Clarke couldn't help a smile from playing out on her face. "Fine. So, maybe my gift was alright."

"You are more than enough of a gift for me," Lexa said softly.

Clarke could read the honesty in her girlfriend's green gaze, and she leaned forward to press a gentle kiss to her cheek before snuggling back into the brunette. Clarke felt herself falling back to sleep almost instantly, but Lexa shook her to keep her awake. "As much as I would like to lie in bed with you all day, we have to pack everything up so that we'll be ready to leave. We were supposed to do it last night, but, well…"

Clarke smiled at the thought of just why they hadn't gotten any packing done last night. "We should probably shower, too."

Lexa nodded in agreement and slipped out of Clarke's arms, standing from the bed. Clarke groaned in annoyance at the fact that the brunette was no longer keeping her warm, and Lexa chuckled at the pout on her roommate's face. "Do you want to go first, or should I?"

"You can go since you're already up." Clarke let out a loud yawn, stretching her arms up above her head.

"Okay, but no falling back asleep while I'm in there." Lexa gave Clarke a pointed look.

Clarke rolled her eyes, wishing for a moment that the other girl didn't know her so well. "Fine. I'll start getting my stuff together."

Lexa went to gather her shower things as Clarke stood from the bed, still trying to wake herself fully. Lexa slipped on her bathrobe and was about to head out the door when she caught sight of herself in the mirror and stopped dead in her tracks. "Oh, my God. Look at my lip!"

Clarke looked down in embarrassment, unable to meet the brunette's eyes. "Oh, yeah. I'm really sorry about that."

Lexa tentatively poked at her lip with her fingers for a few seconds, wearing a dismayed frown. "It's so puffy."

Clarke shrugged her shoulders, her eyes still trained on the ground. "It's not that bad."

She thought she was speaking the truth, at least. It wasn't half as swollen as the lips of those girls who had done the Kylie Jenner Challenge. However, she knew that Lexa's lip was still swollen enough that their housemates would notice it. The blonde finally lifted her head to see green eyes glaring at her. "Are you kidding me? It's huge. How do I get it to go down?"

"Salt water," Clarke suggested. "At least, that's what I used when I busted my lip."

Lexa nodded brusquely and turned without a word, heading downstairs. Clarke knew that she was going to get some salt, and she really hoped that her girlfriend wasn't mad at her. She really hadn't meant to bite that hard. She had just gotten overexcited, and it wasn't like Lexa hadn't been just as bad. Clarke knew that her breasts would be sore for a few days, and she honestly didn't know if there was any part of them that wasn't covered in bite marks. Still, she supposed that no one could actually see her breasts, whereas Lexa wouldn't be able to cover her lips. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that their housemates would say something about it, and it embarrassed her slightly that everyone would know what she and her roommate had been up to last night. Then again, they had all probably been doing the same exact thing.

When Lexa came back to the room with a cup full of salt water and a cotton ball, Clarke noticed that her cheeks were tinted pink, and she thought that Indra had probably noticed the swell of the other girl's lip immediately. Instead of dabbing the salt water onto her own lip, like Clarke had expected her to do, Lexa simply held out the cotton ball to the blonde without a word.

Clarke swallowed thickly when she realized what Lexa wanted her to do, throat suddenly feeling quite dry, and she knew that her eyes had probably darkened considerably. "You want me to dab this on your lip?"

"Yes," Lexa said simply, her face remaining impassive.

Clarke shuddered at the thought. She wasn't sure if she could possibly do this without falling back into bed with the other girl, and she turned her eyes back up to Lexa's with a helpless blue gaze. "Your plump, sexy bottom lip?"

"Yes, Clarke," Lexa repeated, a mischievous smirk spreading over her face. "This is your punishment for biting it."

"But it's even bigger now and even sexier," Clarke protested.

Lexa simply shrugged, still wearing that same little smirk. Clarke took a deep breath. This girl was going to be the death of her. Clarke took the cotton ball from her girlfriend and dipped it into the salt water. Then, she began to dab it onto Lexa's swollen pink flesh. Lexa hissed in pain, but Clarke didn't stop, didn't even say anything, because she was too mesmerized by the way that her favorite part of Lexa's body was moving beneath her fingers. It took everything that Clarke had not to lean forward and grab that swollen lip in hers.

When Clarke had finished her dabbing, Lexa pulled back, shooting Clarke a small teasing smile before gliding out of the room without another word. She knew what she had done, and she was gloating. Clarke wished that her boobs would swell to twice their size so that she could drive Lexa this mad. Then again, she was pretty sure that she could drive Lexa insane with the breasts that she already had.

She shook her head from side to side to try and clear it of all thoughts of lips and breasts and Lexa underneath her so that she could start packing her stuff up. As she slid her suitcase out from under her bed, she couldn't help but think about the last time she had seen it. When she had first arrived at Arkadia House, she had wanted nothing more than for the end of the semester to come so that she could go back home. Now that she was actually leaving, though, she found that she wanted nothing more than to be able to stay.

She started transferring clothes from her wardrobe to her suitcase, and she wondered when this place had come to feel like more of a home to her than her actual house. She knew that it was probably right around the time that she had started falling for Lexa.

* * *

Breakfast flew by that morning, the conversation flowing naturally between the housemates as if it were just any other day. Everyone was happy and jocular, and no one would ever know that they were about to be leaving each other. They had all agreed the previous morning that they would not say goodbye until after breakfast and that they would not say a word at the table about the fact that they weren't going to see each other again for a month.

Of course, Lexa's lip did not go unnoticed, Raven's eyes widening the moment that the other girl sat down. "Lexa, what the hell happened to your lip?"

The brunette in question scowled, but she didn't even blush. "You know what? I'm gonna let Clarke answer that question."

The blonde did blush, furiously, as eight expectant heads turned her way. "I may have bit it too hard, but you don't understand. Her lips are fucking sexy, and we hadn't had sex in months, and I just couldn't help myself."

"You're right, Clarke. I can't say that I understand," Raven teased, unable to hide her smirk. "I mean, _I've_ never wanted to bite Lexa's lips."

"Shut up," Clarke rolled her eyes grumpily.

The meal ended too soon, and then they were gathered in the living room, Mr. Kane saying one last goodbye to them and telling them that they were free to go. That was when it all really started to hit home for them that they were leaving each other, even if it was only for a month.

"I guess we'll see you next year." Octavia was the first one to break the silence that had settled over the students. "I'll miss you guys over the break."

"Oh, please," Raven scoffed. "At least, you have Bellamy. Some of us aren't so lucky as to have siblings or live so close to one another, like those two." She gestured to Jasper and Monty.

"Bellamy told me that you're coming to our house for Christmas, and Lincoln is flying in for a few days as well, so we'll be together again for a little while," Octavia pointed out.

"I guess you're right," Raven said with a smile.

"No fair." A pout formed on Clarke's face. "You guys can't get together without us."

"Oh, don't complain to us about what's not fair, Clarke," Octavia was quick to say. "Your girlfriend is going to be living with you for the entirety of the break, and you guys are gonna be in New York. Talk about unfair."

"I guess you're right," Clarke said cheekily, echoing the words that Raven had said seconds ago.

"We should probably hit the road," Bellamy told his sister before she could say anything else.

She shot him a look that said that leaving was the last thing that she wanted to do, but then she sighed. "Okay."

The two of them said their goodbyes, and so did Lincoln, the only other one who had a car. Then, they were leaving for the semester, Octavia and Lincoln holding hands until they had to split. Clarke reached down and squeezed Lexa's hand, glad that she did not have to say goodbye to the brunette, at least. The room was quiet as the rest of them waited for their parents to come and claim them one by one. Or rather, two by two. Raven was the only one left who would be leaving by herself.

The first parent to enter the room was Jasper's mother, who was picking up both her son and Monty. Apparently, the two boys only lived fifteen minutes away from each other. They went around the room to say goodbye to everyone before they left, and when it was Clarke's turn, she hugged them both. "I'll see you guys next year."

"Maybe, you can join in on some pranks," Jasper said with a wink.

Clarke smiled. "I'd love that."

Next through the door was Abby, and Clarke was off the couch in an instant, running into her mother's arms. The older woman squeezed her tightly. "I'm so glad to see you, Clarke."

"I'm happy to be coming home to you," Clarke said, and she wondered how it was possible for her to want to stay here with her friends, but also for her to want to go home to her mother. She supposed that the main reason that she felt more at home at Arkadia House was because of the events of the past year. Her house didn't feel as homey anymore because of who was missing.

When Clarke and Abby finally released each other, the blonde noticed Lexa hanging back as she interacted with her mother, clearly a little unsure of what to do. Clarke made her way over to her girlfriend, squeezing her hand. "You ready to go?"

Lexa nodded. "After we say goodbye to our friends."

The two girls hugged the remaining three goodbye, and when Clarke reached Raven, her friend squeezed her tight. Clarke thought she detected a hint of sorrow in the usually playful brown eyes when she pulled away, and she smiled at the confirmation that Raven was going to miss her as much as Clarke missed her. The sorrow was gone in an instant, though, the playful twinkle taking up residence again. "Have fun in New York. Be good to your girl, and don't forget to bring me something back."

"I was actually thinking about bringing back a little something for everyone," Clarke admitted.

"Then, bring me something extra," Raven said with a wink and a smile.

Clarke could not help but laugh. "I will."

She didn't think that the others would mind if Raven got an extra New York trinket. That was just Raven being Raven, after all.

When Lexa appeared by Clarke's side, the blonde hugged her friend one more time before turning to look at her girlfriend. Lexa nodded to her, and Clarke nodded back, grabbing the handle to her suitcase. Lexa did the same, both girls slinging their backpacks over their shoulders, and then Clarke took Lexa's free hand in hers as they headed towards the door.

Abby's eyes widened when she caught sight of Lexa's swollen lip, and Clarke knew that her mom would probably understand exactly what had happened to it when she saw the blush that was adorning her daughter's cheeks. Clarke cursed herself for blushing so easily. Abby's look of surprise was gone before Lexa could see it, replaced with a wide smile as she led the way out the door. Clarke and Lexa walked out after her, following her down the sidewalk to the car that she had rented from the airport. Clarke let go of her slight embarrassment and her sorrow at leaving her friends behind as she walked, simply enjoying the crisp winter air and her girlfriend walking beside her.

* * *

"New York really is amazing, Clarke," Lexa said, her face pressed to the cab window.

Clarke just chuckled at her girlfriend's cuteness. They hadn't even entered the city yet, but Lexa was content to look at it from across the Hudson River. Once their flight had landed, they had gotten a taxi to take them into the city, and the mesmerized look in Lexa's eyes had not left since the city had appeared.

Lexa turned back to look at Clarke with a smile when trees obscured the view, excitement dancing in her green eyes. "Where are we going to first?"

"Wherever you want to go," Clarke said with a smile of her own.

Lexa just shrugged. "I don't know. You're the one who knows the best places to visit."

Clarke realized that Lexa was right, and she had to remind herself that this girl had never actually been in the city. "Okay, then. How about the Empire State Building? You're not afraid of heights, are you?"

"No, Clarke, I am not," Lexa answered. "That sounds very fun."

Clarke nodded in agreement, already thrumming with excitement at the thought. The Empire State Building had always been one of her favorite parts of the city, and she could not even count how many times she and her friends had been up to the observation deck before she had gotten caught up with the wrong crowd. She found that she couldn't wait to take Lexa up there. If the brunette was already so excited by the city without even having entered it yet, Clarke knew that she would love to look down on it from the highest point.

* * *

After stopping back home for a few minutes to drop off their suitcases, Clarke, Lexa, and Abby made their way to the Empire State Building. Abby handed Clarke money for two tickets when they got there, saying that she would remain in the lobby while the two of them went up to the top. Clarke knew that her mother had seen the view many times before, but she also knew that Abby was not staying in the lobby because she was tired of going up to the observation deck. She was trying to allow her daughter to have some time alone with Lexa. The blonde was grateful for that since the two girls hadn't been alone since they had left Arkadia House that afternoon.

When the two of them finally reached the top of the building, Lexa was quick to head over to the edge so that she could gaze upon the city, Clarke close behind her. She didn't miss the slight awe that was on her girlfriend's face, and she couldn't help but chuckle a bit when Lexa looked down. She swayed a little, clearly feeling dizzy, and she backed warily away from the edge. Clarke nudged her in the side. "Thought you weren't scared of heights."

"I'm not," Lexa defended herself. "I've never been this high up before, so I wasn't used to it, that's all."

As if to prove her point, Lexa stepped back up to the railing and looked down, not seeming to be bothered at all this time. Then, she turned her gaze back to the city, looking out at the buildings that were just starting to light up as the darkness of night crept into the sky.

"It's beautiful," Lexa said.

Clarke nodded. "It is."

The two girls devolved into silence as they both enjoyed the view of the city, each one perfectly content to just stand there and look. Clarke rested her hand on the small of Lexa's back, absentmindedly rubbing little circles there. She smiled when she felt Lexa's head come to rest on her shoulder.

She never realized how beautiful the view actually was from the top of the Empire State Building and how much she had missed it in her time away. She had lived in this city all her life and had been up here so many times with her friends, but she had never just taken the time to stop and appreciate the sight before. She had always been engaged in some conversation or so focused on a drawing that she wouldn't even think to make time to just stand in front of the railing and drink in the sights of the city below her. This had just been another pretty view for her to draw, and she never realized exactly how much she had taken it for granted until now. Many people, like Lexa, only got the chance to visit this amazing city once or twice, and still more never got to come here at all. She was lucky to live here, just like both Octavia and Raven had implied, and it took finding Lexa for her to realize that.

After a few more minutes, Lexa's eyes lit up as she seemingly remembered something, and she pulled away from Clarke to turn excited green eyes onto blue. "Can we go see the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center?"

Clarke smiled brightly at the thought, wondering why it hadn't crossed her mind. That was the most popular thing to see around Christmas time, and it would be a perfect place for them to spend the rest of the evening. "Of course we can. While we're at it, we can go ice skating, too. My mom and I have season passes to The Rink."

Lexa suddenly looked nervous, and Clarke wondered if maybe ice skating wasn't such a good idea, after all. The brunette looked down at the ground, scuffing the toe of her boot against the concrete. "I haven't been ice skating since I was ten. I don't really remember how to do it."

"Don't worry about that," Clarke pressed on, having seen the spark in Lexa's eyes that told the blonde that her girlfriend would love to skate if she could remember how. "You'll get the hang of it again in no time. You can even hold my hand until you do."

Lexa made a show of looking down at their currently joined hands. "I don't need a reason to hold your hand."

Clarke blushed a little, pulling her hand away from Lexa's. "Now, it looks like you do."

The blonde began walking away, smirking when she noticed Lexa looking at her in disbelief. "Where are you going?"

"There's more than one side to the building," Clarke gestured to the adjacent railing that she was heading for. "If you want to see the Christmas tree before midnight, then we better get to the next view."

Lexa rolled her eyes as she followed her girlfriend. "I'm not taking that long to look."

"You are, but it's okay," Clarke said in a much more serious tone. "I haven't ever taken nearly long enough to look and actually appreciate what I'm seeing."

Lexa just smiled, taking Clarke's hand again and leaning into the other girl's shoulder as they looked out at the sights together. This time, Clarke couldn't bring herself to pull her hand away.

* * *

"I think I'm gonna buy one of these." Clarke reached up and grabbed a one-foot replica of the Empire State Building off of the shelf.

After looking at the view off the top of the building from all four sides, Clarke and Lexa had wandered into the gift shop for a few moments, and it had not taken Clarke long to notice that Lexa was looking longingly at these statues. In that instant, she knew that she was going to buy one for Lexa, no matter what.

"You don't have to buy that for me." Lexa saw right through Clarke's act, and the blonde should have known better.

Still, she decided to play innocent and pretend she didn't know what Lexa was talking about. "I'm buying it for me. I suppose I will have to share it with you, though, since we do share a room."

Obviously, Lexa saw right through that as well, but she didn't argue. She just smiled and shook her head as Clarke handed it to her, clearly deciding to accept the gift for what it was. While she was thinking of gifts, Clarke pulled down a mini replica of the Empire State Building; this one was only a few inches tall.

Lexa's brows furrowed in confusion. "Who's that for?"

"Raven," Clarke answered. "She wants me to get her something extra, and this is honestly perfect."

Lexa shook her head, a smile spreading over her features. "Of course she does."

* * *

Clarke watched Lexa as she stared up at the giant Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center, her face awash in the glow from the multicolored lights. However, the way that Lexa's face was lit up with the glow of the Christmas lights in the night wasn't even what made Clarke swoon. It was the huge smile that was on her face. She looked like a kid on Christmas morning, and Clarke was honestly surprised at how happy this city made Lexa. She would've thought that it would have had the opposite effect on the brunette, but Lexa clearly loved being in this new place, and she seemed extra excited about this particular attraction.

"Did you never have a Christmas tree or something?" Clarke wondered aloud.

Clarke normally wouldn't ask a question like that for fear of coming off as rude, but this was Lexa, and she knew that the brunette would understand that she was only curious.

"It's not that I've never had a tree before. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday ever since I was a kid," Lexa answered easily. "Luna's family always had a Christmas tree, and I would always get so excited to go with Luna to pick one out and then decorate it. We even got ornaments with our names on them at some convention one year, and you can only imagine how ecstatic I was."

Clarke could not help but smile at how cute her girlfriend was being. "Did you let Luna and her parents know that you were staying with me this year?"

"Of course I did, Clarke," Lexa said.

"What did they say?"

"That they would miss me and that they heard about what happened on Family Visiting Day," Lexa explained, her eyes falling to the ground. "Apparently, the school called them about it since they were listed as my emergency contact. They want to come next year."

Clarke was not surprised at all that they would want to come and see her girlfriend. They clearly thought of her as part of their family, too, and Clarke was determined to get Lexa to see that. "You should let them."

"I will," Lexa said easily, to Clarke's surprise, bringing her eyes back up to meet the blonde's. "You've been right about so many things this year, and I think that you're right about this, too. I probably wasn't as much of a burden on them as I thought."

The two girls shared a smile, and then Abby returned with the skates that she had rented for them. Clarke had argued that they could rent their own skates, but her mother had insisted because Lexa was the guest, and she didn't want to make the young brunette wait in line. "Here you guys go. You can skate whenever you're ready."

"Lexa was just telling me how much she likes Christmas trees," Clarke informed her mother before turning back to her girlfriend. "It's a great thing that you love them so much. My mom doesn't get the tree until I come home, so you can help us pick it out, if you want to. You can help us decorate it, too."

"I would like that very much, Clarke." Green eyes got impossibly brighter, and Lexa smiled impossibly wider.

She was relieved to see that the swelling in the other girl's lip had gone down considerably since this morning. Still, Lexa was stretching her swollen lip in a way that had to be slightly painful, but it did not appear to be bothering the girl. In fact, she hadn't really been bothered by it last night either. Clarke's mood darkened a tiny bit when she thought about why that might be. This girl had been in so much pain before on a daily basis that she probably barely even felt the ache of a bitten lip.

Clarke wished that she could pull Lexa into her and shelter her from the world because she never wanted this brunette to be hurt by anyone ever again. At least, Lexa's parents would not be able to harm her anymore, unless they wanted to go to jail. They deserved to go to jail, though, and Clarke still hated them with such a burning passion. She would never tell Lexa until much later, but she fully intended on bringing that video in to the police the minute that the brunette turned eighteen, hopefully putting those people behind bars once and for all.

Clarke was overjoyed by the fact that Lexa was doing so much better now than ever before. She hadn't had a panic attack in weeks, and while Clarke could not be completely sure, she didn't think that the brunette had had a flashback either. She wondered if maybe Lexa seeing her parents on Family Visiting Day had actually helped her a little bit. She was able to see that she could, in fact, stand up to them and that she wasn't alone anymore. Clarke, and everyone else in that house, would immediately come to Lexa's rescue, if she needed it.

As Lexa continued to admire the tree, and Clarke continued to admire Lexa, the blonde thought how lucky she was to have gone to school at Polis. If she hadn't finally agreed and had instead talked her mother out of sending her there, then she would never have met Lexa, and she didn't even want to think about a life without this beautiful brunette girl in it. Christmas lights were dancing in Lexa's eyes, and Clarke knew that there was nothing that she loved more than seeing her girlfriend this happy.

"You ready to go?" Lexa asked after a few more seconds had passed.

Clarke just nodded and took her girlfriend's hand to lead her over to a bench where they could sit down and put on their skates. Once their skates were on, and they had received a "have fun" from Abby, the two girls glided out onto the ice. Lexa clutched tightly to Clarke's hand at first, and the blonde really did try to keep her up, but it wasn't long before she was falling onto her butt.

"You okay, Lexa?" Clarke asked as she extended down a hand to help the other girl up, trying her best to keep the concern that she was feeling out of her eyes.

"I'm fine," Lexa said, getting to her feet with ease.

It didn't take Lexa long to get the hang of it, but even after she would be fine skating by herself, she never let go of Clarke's hand. The blonde didn't mind at all because she didn't want to let go either. They went around and around the ice rink, and Clarke had almost forgotten just how much she moved this feeling, enjoying it even more now that Lexa was with her. Soon enough, she turned around to go backwards, releasing Lexa's hand for a moment so as not to throw the other girl off balance. Lexa's eyes widened in shock. "What are you doing?"

"I'll be fine," Clarke assured her, taking both of Lexa's hands in hers to pull the brunette along. "You can be my eyes, Lex. Just let me know if I'm about to run into anyone."

Lexa nodded, cracking a smile. "Okay. I won't let us crash."

Clarke was pretty much a pro at skating by now, and she kept the two of them going as Lexa stilled her feet, letting the blonde take complete control of them. Clarke looked back every now and again to get her bearings, but for the most part, she just trusted Lexa to say something if they were about to fly into someone.

They skated for hours, the world melting away around them as they got lost in each other's eyes. Clarke knew that keeping her eyes trained on Lexa's was distracting the other girl from watching where they were going, but she didn't even care. The silent love that was being exchanged between them was worth it. They crashed into people more than once, getting dirty looks, but the two girls almost didn't even notice, getting right back up and doing the same thing as they had been before.

They finally got off the ice and returned their skates, after agreeing that they would spend much more time here in their stay, and Lexa voiced her need to go to the restroom. Clarke pointed her in the right direction before wandering over to where her mother was sitting on a bench.

"Lexa had to use the bathroom, but I'm sure she'll be back shortly," Clarke said as she sat down.

Abby nodded, she and her daughter going silent for a few moments, before she spoke up again. "You were right. You two are good for each other."

"I tried to tell you that before, Mom," Clarke said jokingly, but she was honestly a little surprised that her mother had come to terms with it.

"I was a little wary about this at first because of the way that Lexa treated you before and everything she's been through, but you two get along really well together." Abby paused after that, but Clarke could tell that there was more that she wanted to say when she began shaking her head. "No, it's more than that. It's like you complete each other, and I'm sorry that I didn't realize that before. I don't think I've ever seen you this happy, Clarke."

Clarke was honestly in awe, too shocked to speak. She had thought that she would have to spend the entire break trying to prove to her mother that Lexa was a good person, but it seemed as if Abby had already seen that all on her own. Clarke knew that she and Lexa must look pretty love-struck around each other for her mother to have seen that this quickly, but she honestly didn't even care.

"Besides," Abby added. "You guys did look really cute together out there on the ice."

"Do you really mean all of that?" Clarke finally found her voice.

Abby smiled warmly. "Of course I do, sweetheart."

* * *

Next stop was the gift shops around the city, where Clarke and Lexa wanted to go to get a little something to bring back for their housemates next semester. The two girls and Abby walked into the first store they saw, and they all split up to walk around and look at everything that was there. Needless to say, there was a lot in the store.

Clarke began looking at shirts first, finding some really nice ones, and she thought that maybe she could get some of those for her housemates. Until she checked the price tags. She would have to get eight of them, and she did not want to spend that much money. She wandered over to a wall of magnets next, but she sighed when she didn't see anything that she liked. She was heading over to Lexa to see if the brunette had found anything halfway decent when she noticed some really nice New York City skyline keychains, with people's names written across the bottom. She called Lexa's name, green eyes snapping up to attention, and she pulled a random keychain off the hook, holding it up so that her girlfriend could see. "What do you think of these?"

Lexa shot her an amused smile. "They are very cute, Clarke, but do you really think that you will be able to find all of our friends' names?"

Clarke simply blinked for a moment because she hadn't even thought of the fact that she might not be able to find everyone's name. She was starting to think that she might not even be able to find a single one. "Damn it. Why do all of our friends have to have weird names?"

Lexa just shrugged, the smile never leaving her lips, and Clarke turned her attention back to the task at hand. She smiled when she saw a Lincoln keychain, but her smile dropped when she remembered Bellamy. She didn't even have to look to know that his name wouldn't be there. She thought that maybe she could just get him something else as she pulled down a Jasper keychain. However, that was as far as her luck went. There was no Raven, no Octavia, no Monty, no Anya, and there was certainly no Emori. There wasn't even a Clarke, and the blonde's shoulders slumped in defeat as she turned her eyes back to her girlfriend, who was trying not to laugh.

"How about we get them these snow globes?" Lexa held up a small snow globe, "I NY" printed around the stand.

"Perfect," Clarke said with a relieved smile.

The two of them picked up eight snow globes, getting a mix of black, purple, and blue stands, deciding that they would allow their housemates to work out who got what color. They knew that it would probably turn into a fight, with those guys, but it would make the gift-giving much more interesting.

On their way out of the store, Clarke's eyes were drawn to little green street signs that had people's names on them and said New York City at the top. She had never seen them before, and she pulled Lexa and Abby to a stop as she went over to look at them. Lexa followed her, and Abby waited for them, playfully rolling her eyes at her daughter. Clarke just stuck her tongue out before spinning the display stand around to the C area. Her face broke out in a grin when she saw a sign that said Clarke Avenue, and she quickly pulled it down from the rack.

"Do you want one, too?" Clarke asked her girlfriend.

Lexa just nodded, so Clarke called back to her mother. "Can we get one of these?"

"Yes, Clarke. Just hurry up," Abby said. "It's getting late."

Clarke nodded to her mother and quickly spun the stand to the L section. She scanned through it twice, but there did not appear to be one that said Lexa. She was about to tell her girlfriend, but Lexa came around the rotating display stand before she could, already holding a sign. Clarke's eyebrows shot up in surprise, wondering if the girl had gotten the last Lexa one. The brunette clearly noticed Clarke's look, spinning around her sign for the blonde to see. Alexandria Drive. Clarke had completely forgotten that her girlfriend's full name was Alexandria. She had gotten so used to calling her Lexa.

"I forgot that was your full name," Clarke admitted out loud. "It's very beautiful. Why don't you use it?"

"You do not like Lexa?" the brunette asked with a small frown.

"Of course I do, LW," Clarke said immediately. "I would never even dream of calling you anything else."

"You just called me LW," Lexa pointed out with a teasing smirk.

"Whatever." Clarke playfully rolled her eyes as a laugh escaped from her lips. "I'm just curious as to why you go by Lexa. I've actually never heard that name before."

"Because Alexandria is a mouthful," Lexa said with a twinkle in her eyes. "I went by Lexie when I was younger because that's what my mom used to call me. When I was in fifth grade, though, I decided to change my name. I wanted to shed all traces of my mother since she wasn't in my life anymore, so I chose a new nickname. Lexa. That's the name I've gone by ever since."

"You never thought to use Alex or Ali?" Clarke asked curiously.

Lexa scrunched her nose up at the suggestions. "I did, but I chose Lexa instead because I wanted something different."

Clarke nodded. She certainly understood that. She liked her own name for that same reason. It was unique for a girl.

"Would you like me to call you Alexandria sometimes, then?" Clarke asked, even though she knew what the answer would be. She just wanted to hear her girlfriend say it.

"No." Lexa shook her head with a smile. "Just Lexa."

* * *

When Clarke, Lexa, and Abby got back to the house, Clarke could tell that Lexa was starting to feel tired by the way that she had been leaning against the blonde as they walked back. She had the perfect way to make the girl feel more awake, though. She and Lexa placed their gift bags on the coffee table, and Clarke hurried to the kitchen for a moment, glad that her mother began to make small talk with Lexa to distract the brunette. A vase of red roses stood on the kitchen table, and Clarke was so glad that she had thought to ask her mother to get them yesterday. She grabbed the vase and hurried back out to Lexa, handing it to the brunette. "These are for you."

"What? Why?" Lexa asked, brows furrowing even as her eyes lit up.

"You didn't think I'd actually just gotten you a candle for our first dance together, right?" Clarke asked, face morphing into a mock-pout. "I know that flowers are practically your favorite thing in the universe, so I wanted to get these for you. Red roses. I know, a little cliché, but oh well."

"I love them." Lexa's eyes shined with happiness. "But _you're_ my favorite thing in the universe."

Clarke moved in to give her girlfriend a chaste kiss before pulling back to whisper in her ear. "You're my favorite thing, too"

Lexa blushed and smiled, inhaling the sweet scent of the flowers in the vase. "Mmmm. These are lovely, Clarke."

Clarke couldn't help but chuckle; Lexa was being so adorable. The two of them shared a love-filled look for several long seconds before Abby spoke, reminding them of her presence. "Well, I'm going to bed, girls. I'll see you both in the morning. Be ready to decorate for Christmas."

"I will," Lexa answered, setting her vase on the coffee table with the gift bags before turning to Clarke. "We should probably head to bed, too."

Clarke nodded in agreement, grabbing Lexa's hand to pull her upstairs to the room that they would be sharing. Clarke's room, where they would be sleeping in a single bed, just like they were used to. Feeling tired, Clarke immediately began stripping her clothes from her body, grabbing some pajamas from one of her drawers. Lexa let out a small whine before Clarke could even begin to put them on, calling her attention to the brunette standing behind her. "Do we have to sleep with clothes on?"

Clarke just raised an eyebrow at her. "Lexa, it's like 30 degrees outside. Do you want to freeze?"

"I suppose not," Lexa grumbled, "but don't you have blankets?"

"Fine," Clarke relented. "I'll go grab some blankets."

Clarke hadn't even had to think before conceding to her girlfriend because she didn't want to go back to sleeping with clothes on again either. Now that she had slept with Lexa's naked skin pressed against hers once more, she found that she never wanted to sleep any other way.

She grabbed some of her blankets down from the top shelf of her closet, throwing them onto the bed, before peeling off her bra, underwear, and the headband that she wore almost every day now, and climbing under the covers. She was joined a few seconds later by Lexa, and the two girls snuggled up together to keep warm.

"So how did you like New York?" Clarke asked quietly.

"It was amazing. Thank you for inviting me here." A bit of Lexa's excitement from earlier returned to her eyes. "I never want to leave."

"It is really nice here," Clarke agreed easily, "but you haven't seen anything yet. Just wait till it snows. My mom and I always love walking through Central Park in the snow. This year, you can come with us."

Lexa didn't respond, and Clarke began to rub the girl's back, wondering if the brunette might have fallen asleep with her eyes open. However, Lexa was blinking, and her back muscles felt tense for some reason unbeknownst to Clarke. She could read in green eyes that something was bothering her girlfriend, and no matter how much she tried to smooth out Lexa's muscles, they still felt knotted.

"You okay, Lex?" Clarke asked softly.

Lexa nodded, but then she pulled away from Clarke and sat up, looking as if she intended to get out of bed. Clarke quickly sat up with her, trying to ignore the frigid air that was now hitting her bare skin as she reached out to rest a hand on Lexa's knee. "What's wrong?"

"I just…" Lexa trailed off, averting her gaze. "It's not fair of me to interrupt your time with your mother."

"You're not interrupting, LW, I promise," Clarke said gently. "It's not like you're taking me away from my mother. I get to spend time with her and you, and honestly, my mom and I would probably be sad if it was just the two of us this Christmas. I'll be much happier with you here."

"Are you sure?" Lexa was still looking at the sheets.

"Positive," Clarke said without missing a beat.

"I'll be much happier with you, too, roomie," Lexa said with a small smile.

Clarke reached out to cup Lexa's chin in order to bring green eyes back to hers, but she stopped before she could do it, remembering that Lexa did not like to be touched in that area. She blushed at the fact that she had almost forgotten again, and she knew she was going to have to work harder to keep these things in the back of her mind if she wanted to continue dating Lexa without making her uncomfortable each day. She was just about to drop her hand awkwardly back down to her side, hoping that Lexa hadn't noticed, when she heard the brunette speak. "Do it."

"What?" Clarke asked, wondering if she had heard correctly.

"I know that you were going to touch my chin," Lexa said calmly, "and I want you to do it."

Clarke was about to protest, not wanting to do anything that Lexa had clearly told her not to do, but she kept her mouth shut. Lexa wouldn't be saying this if she didn't mean it. She clearly wanted, maybe even needed, Clarke to do this, so the blonde didn't argue, even if she didn't really want to go through with it.

She tentatively reached out to cup Lexa's chin as gently as she could, guiding green eyes back up to meet blue. To Clarke's surprise, Lexa didn't flinch away or show any signs at all that the touch had bothered her. She wondered if Lexa's reaction had been better because she had known that it was coming this time, or if she was truly getting over her fear of being touched in certain places. Maybe it was a mixture of both.

Lexa brought her hand up to rest over Clarke's, squeezing it to make the blonde's grip harder. She still did not flinch, and no fear played out in green eyes. A small smile of satisfaction played out on Lexa's lips, and Clarke did not think that the other girl even knew that she was doing it. Clarke couldn't help but smile herself. "I'm touching your chin."

"Yes, you are touching my chin," Lexa agreed simply, but Clarke could see the happiness behind her eyes.

"You're going to get through this, Lexa," Clarke said confidently.

"Maybe not completely, but mostly? Yes, I am." Lexa said, allowing her smile to grow wider as she never broke her gaze away from her girlfriend's. "I love you, Clarke."

Clarke met Lexa halfway as the brunette leaned in to kiss her, making sure to suck on Lexa's upper lip this time so as to avoid the swollen bottom one. Clarke honestly didn't mind, though. She loved both of Lexa's lips, and she was more than happy to be kissing this girl in front of her because she just loved everything about Lexa. When Lexa finally pulled away, Clarke opened her eyes to see green eyes slowly fluttering open, still a little dazed from the kiss. She didn't think that she had ever seen anything so beautiful. "I love you so much."

"I love you," Lexa repeated, eyes sparkling with more happiness than Clarke had ever seen in them, and that included their time in New York that day. "Don't leave me."

Clarke's lips parted in slight awe as she caught onto exactly what her girlfriend was doing. She was repeating the words that she had said to Clarke when she had been running a fever, what now felt like so long ago. Only it had been "I hate you, don't leave me" then. Now, it was "I love you, don't leave me."

Back when Lexa had first said those words, the two of them had just been getting used to having the other around. They couldn't stand each other, yet they didn't want to be apart. It was confusing for both of them, that war of emotions, and they had come so far since then. Now, Clarke couldn't imagine ever being without Lexa because a life without this other girl in it would most certainly be a dull one. She knew Lexa inside and out, just like the brunette knew her, and that's how she could be sure by the look in green eyes that, despite her words, Lexa didn't even have a single fear that Clarke would leave her. Even after all they'd been through, Clarke knew by now that Lexa was never going to leave her either. The two of them were meant to be. They were soulmates. So Clarke gave the only answer that made sense, the only answer that she would ever be able to give again.

"I won't ever leave you."


End file.
